My concerns come from a 13 year old on the computer web sites. She says she only talks to people she knows and she won't allow me to have her password.
That's easy. You're the adult in charge. Take the computer away completely. Once she's obedient and respectful enough to have earned it back, allow her limited access on a trial basis to prove herself only AFTER you install a stroke memory program. You can research those on the web. Also, Vicki Courtney mentions a few in her book "My Girl".
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I don't think that there is anything wrong with very limited time on facebook (maybe 30 minutes a day of computer time total), but there is definitely something wrong with her dictating to you that she will not allow you to have her password. If she didn't have anything to hide, it wouldn't be an issue, and that does not respect your authority either. You might disallow computer privileges entirely until she gives you all her passwords. I'm sure it won't go over well, but too bad for her.
If she's managing to get good grades without doing her homework, then I wouldn't worry about that too much. I was valedictorian (of a very small school) and took a stack of books home every night with the best of intentions, but pretty much never studied and managed to get my homework done during lunch, or right before class started (except for term papers, which I would stay up late the night before they were due to finish). These were certainly bad habits and I took them to college with me, but I still managed better than a 4.0 in high school (not so much in college, but still decent grades). It's funny now that my former classmates (in high school) thought I spent all evening every evening studying, which wasn't the case at all. Your granddaughter is probably smart and has figured out her teachers (unless she's cheating or something).
There's an excellent book by the best parenting expert/author I've found called Teen Proofing, by John Rosemond. It could certainly help you figure out these situations. He is no nonsense and no psychobabble. You can find the book on www.amazon.com or probably on his website at www.rosemond.com. Check out his newspaper column there too.
Best of luck to you, and blessings to you for taking in these girls!
Facebook is a little more secure in my opinion than my space. However, you need to be able to check up on her and everything she does online. Passwords not just to these accounts but also any and all email addresses, instant message accounts, etc. You need to have the ability to do any online she does. This has to be a requirement for her to have the privilege of using the computer. If you don't have full access, neither does she. You need to keep track, not only of who she's talking to but also what kind of information she has out there: her address or phone obvuously but her school name, any groups or clubs she's in like band etc. An internet stalker/potential pediphile can use tiny bits of information to find out just about every about her and her family. Until you get access to her accounts try googling her name. You will probably be able to see what kind of info she has out there about herself at least.
I'm sorry to say it but people she knows doesn't equal people you know are safe. So, unless she provides a password so you can supervise, I'd say pull the plug.
I've not only worked with children/teens who were placed in unsafe positions because of the internet- I was one myself. In a faceless environment, such as the internet, it's ALWAYS going to be better to err on the side of caution.
the rule around our house is you might get a myspace at 15 if you show me you are responsible, and I have to know your password until you are 16. Over 16 I will be on your friends list and have full access to your page. If I think it is inappropriate it comes down. My house, my rules, don't like 'em? You don't have to have a computer.
I'll echo the advice of several others. Pull the plug unless she gives you the password, limit her time on the computer, make sure you are in the vicinity when the computer is in use.
I'm hard core, old-fashioned, with kids and grandkids. No homework done, no household chores complete, bad grades, secretive about friends, not involved with any activities or hobbies, these are all possible red flags, not to be ignored.
Take away the phone privileges if necessary, and even the music. I would urge you to use a little "tough love", because if she's doing these things at 13, by 16 it's bound to be much worse (if not before).
If she gives you too much hassle, also consider counseling.
You have an opportunity NOW to prevent more serious problems later on. IMHO there is NO reason for a 13 year old to be allowed to spend time on the computer, the phone, listening to music when they exhibit no accountability or responsibility for other things. They should EARN the privileges!!
Be a super gram to your precious girls, don't be afraid to parent them, love them unconditionally, and you'll reap the benefits later on, and so will they!! Best of luck to you, and thank God those girls have a gramma who cares.
She won't allow you to have her password; you shouldn't allow her computer use at home. She'll still do it at school, but hopefully they have filters in place to prevent the worst stuff. You should have filters in place too, that block bad content and a program that lets you know what websites she has visited. AOL has this capacity, and probably other internet providers too. Also, what if you made computer use contingent on her having an outside activity and actively participating in it? There will likely be fireworks when you lay down the law, but stand your ground. Good luck!
Password protect your computer and don't let her back on it until you know her password. Tell her that she doesn't need to be saying or doing anything online that her grandmother cannot see and if she is to stop. Kids want their privacy, but there are too many online predators out there and you have to make sure she is not getting in over her head. 13 year olds are a prime target for online predators because the penalties in many states go down when the child turns 13. So, many predators target 13 year olds. Good luck with this!
I agree with the password comments. I also would suggest that you get a page yourself. We did this and I can check into who my daughter is talking to without having to log on through her account, as long as your grandaughter adds you as a friend- you may find it as a way to connect in some way as she can help you set up your page and show you what is what. Also with face book you have the option of who can see information and my kids have to keep it set to friends only.
Homework, chores and then fun is the way our after school time works for us.
Best to you-
If I didnt have the passwords to check them when I wanted to then she would have no access to the computer at all. My Space and Face Book has the potential to cause lots of problems to unsuspecting teenagers. Not a good thing grandma. Many a kids have died from the innocent chat with a person a child thought was much younger and turned out to be a pervert waiting to prey on kids. Get control of that now.
As far as the phone goes that is normal. I have a 14 yr old girl that would glue the phone to her head if I let her. She is on the phone more in 1 day then I am in 1 week. It starts from the time she gets home till she goes to bed. I could care less because if she is on the phone then I at least know where she is at. It drives my husband nuts.
The not doing homework would not fly with me also. I wouldnt care if she was getting good grades. My girls know that if they miss a homework they are cut off from the phone, computer and tv till the next report I see says that they are doing homework on a regular basis. School is their job right now and they have to do a good job. If they cant complete homework at school then how good will they do when they have a job?
Dear Rose,
You are correct to be concerned. There is no way that I would allow a 13 year old to be on the commputer if I couldn't be aware of where she is going online and with whom she is talking. There is software available to track kids' online activities. Just because she THINKS she knows the people she is talking with doesn't mean that is always the case. She needs to understand that your knowing is for her protection and that if you can't know then she can't be online. Just that simple. I can't imagine what it would be like to parent grandkids. It would definitely be best to set some ground rules and have them in place before you head back to work. Having that done will give you a much better frame of mind when you have to leave them for work. If you need to talk, I am here..We grandmas need to support one another too. :>)
Take care and God bless,
Barbara B
An alternative to having her password is to get an account on Facebook/MySpace and become friends. I know on Facebook you can see her activity (it updates what your friends have been doing when you sign on). The only thing you can't monitor are her messages, but you can see what's been written on her wall, any pics loaded, etc. That's just a suggestion is you don't want to go the other route. However, I am a firm believer that computer,etc are priviledges and are done after work is completed. I do know that taking a harsh stand can sometimes blow up in your face (but being firm is different). Sounds like some ground rules need to be laid. And putting a password to log on to the computer is not a bad idea either. :) Good luck!
In our home either the adults have access to myspace/facebook or no computer, NO EXCEPTIONS! You have to be wary of anyone on the computer. Anyone can write anything truth or lies and the only one who would know it is God and the person typing. We are from MO and thier was a situation where a 13 y.o. girl had a myspace page, started interacting with who she thought was a boy that was interested in her. When she invited him to a birthday party, the reply was with mean words calling her names and saying things about her. She was a person who suffered from depression and this act of turning on her sent her to commit suicide. Granted that person did not hang her but in my opinion contributed to her state of mind to allow her to bring harm to herself. After further investigation it came out that the person writing on the myspace page was an adult woman who wanted to see if this girl was saying anything bad about others. This is a case that was tried in California because that is where myspace is based from. That county has enacted new laws that address these issues. Please become involved in your granddaughters online activities. Predators can come in all forms and you can never be to careful, especially when you can't see people only type.
Rose,
You need to check up on her computer/phone use. My daughter was using those to arrange pick-ups from friends. I didn't realize she was sneaking out at night and partying until it had been going on for about 8 months. Not saying they're all doing that but, you need to know.
As for school -- my daughter's incredibly bright and always aced classes without doing homework except for the few who made it a large part of her grade. She even passed finals and EOCs without attending (it was the attendance issued that made her fail). There isn't much you can do about homework, if the teacher doesn't make it count. It becomes a little more difficult to get by like that in college because they don't review everything.But if she's smart, she'll figure it out.
What if your granddaughter were of driving age, and you gave her a car, and she took it out for a drive every night, but never told you what she was doing, where she was going, who she was seeing, and never let you come along. Would that be acceptable? Would you be suspicious?
She's 13 years old, so entitled to a little independence and privacy, but not online. She is not old enough to understand the dangers of being online, and could get into a lot of trouble from people posing as her own age when in fact they're adults preying on innocent teenagers.
Having a computer, like having a car, or having anything else other than basic necessities, is a privilege which you can revoke if she doesn't live by your rules. (She may be a very bright child and doesn't need to do homework, or she gets it done during school, so has little or none to bring home; since she's getting good grades, the amount of homework she has is less important.)
The computer should be in a public area of the house -- the living room and not her bedroom -- so that you can pop in and see what she's doing (but of course, she can always quickly shut down a site she knows you wouldn't approve of, so you need to be aware of this). I'd suggest an internet filter like BSafeOnline, which can let you block inappropriate websites, monitor her online activity, and allow internet access only at specified times of day. I think it will also email you a list of all the sites that your granddaughter has accessed (or tried to), and maybe even text of emails or other things. I've heard this filter as being highly recommended, but my kids can't even read yet, so we don't have it.
Go to www.kimkomando.com and you can find a wealth of info and usually free downloads and recommendations about what key logger to put on your computer. Some even will give you the passwords. The other advise here is right on target. No computer till the homework and chores are done. This is from personal experience. My kids did this and had the computer in there rooms unsupervised and things did not go well with them. They are 22 and 19 now and were exposed to things that they had no business seeing. My daughter can't do the simplest cooking or cleaning. She was always on the computer . Some keyloggers can be over rode if detected so the kids don't need to see or know you have one on the computer.
Privacy?? Not in my house, it isn't safe. If she won't allow you access to the password notify the websites of her email address and have her blocked. Would you let her go out for two hours and not tell you where she's been? Hang out with people you have never met, and who may be adults with not so moral characters? She may be doing nothing wrong at all but for her own safety you should know what she is up to. just my two cents
If she won't give you her my space password then take her computer away. obviously she doesn't need it for homework. Let her know you do trust her but its the poeple who stalk children and teens that you do not trust. She has already lied since you have to have a parent's permission if under 18 to start the account (I believe).