:)
Why did you leave right away?
You can always go to counseling yourself.
Wow, I’m so sorry! It does sound like there is more going on with her than you know.
I’m not sure what your options are other than to “lay low” and just pretend like nothing happened for the sake of your grand-kids. If she doesn’t want to have a more direct, in-depth relationship then there’s not much you can do.
I’m not saying either one of you is right or wrong. It’s just that if she won’t talk to you about any substantive issues in your relationship, or consider a neutral counselor, then what can you do?
Of course your husband should stand up for you - you’re his wife! That’s something that we daughters forget sometimes. We would want our husbands to do the same thing. It is good, though, if husbands can try to not make things worse, or escalate things.
Good luck - hope you feel better about all this soon.
I cannot begin to guess, based solely on what you have included in your post.
The first thing that comes to mind is the possibility of something medical with your daughter. After that, is problems with her and her husband and she lashed out at someone “safe”.
Problem is, if it is the former, then I would suggest you contact your SIL and ask him if she is ok physically, or is she on some sort of medication that is affecting her mood and that you are concerned, because her behavior was outside the norm (not because your feelings are hurt—leave that alone for now). BUT, if it is the latter, contacting your SIL is the last thing I would suggest.
So…
At any point after you returned to her house, did you have time alone with JUST HER, where you could have asked her if everything was ok (in general) and where you could have expressed concern for her without putting her on the spot with her husband present, or discussing something she wouldn’t want to in front of her children?
ETA: having re-read the post in its entirety… what exactly do you mean by: this isn’t the first tantrum she has thrown? Again, you gave only this one situation by which to draw any sort of conclusion. If this was a one time freak-out.. it could be medical or whatever, as I mentioned above. And if it is one MORE tantrum, it still could be medical or marital problems… but it ALSO could be issues she has with YOU. And you conveniently left out what precipitated any of the other tantrums you allude to. What might cause her to be so angry with you that she has a tantrum on more than one occasion?
I think there’s more to this story than you can possibly relay in a short question. Her behavior does seem over the top, juvenile, and unreasonable in the way you’re describing it, but I also wouldn’t presume to finish someone’s laundry as a guest in their house. Could it be that you overstep in other ways when you’re a guest in their house? Your reaction was to discount her feelings (“you didn’t mean it”) when perhaps she did mean it and there were reasons you need to hear? I’m not saying you were in the wrong – no one here could know because, like I said, it sounds like there is far more to the story than can be written here. You’ve offered nothing by way of explanation except to wonder what’s wrong with HER. Perhaps she does need counseling – or maybe you do. But try to understand (I’m sure you might remember this yourself) that it’s difficult to be the adult child of someone who will always act like the parent, no matter how old their child gets, especially when that parent is a guest in your home. Perhaps she feels disrespected as an adult – it doesn’t help for her to have a juvenile outburst – but maybe you might consider what you’ve done wrong… Just a thought.
HMM. I know you were trying to help, but unless asked that kind of “help” is not wanted or welcomed. Here is what I mean - my mom gets one to two weeks a year being grandma with my kids and not having to share with loads of other family members. When she comes to visit the LAST thing I want is her help with my laundry or cleaning my house.
I finally had to sit down and explain this to her. That I am not mad she wants to help out, it makes me frustrated that the one time she actually gets the grandkids to herself (without having to share time with in-laws like at holidays) you are doing my laundry. It makes me feel like you are more interested in how I run my house than your grandkids. I got it covered - I do this all the time when you aren’t here:)
SO- any possible chance your daughter had that kind of moment? It is a stressful time of year and sometimes all it takes is one malfunction to break the balance - shrinking a sweater could have been that moment.
I do think the “i hate you” comment was a little overboard, but you are right not to medle in their marriage or suggest anything that you haven’t been told or she has confided in you - not your place.
Good luck. This is just one take on it. There could be many explanations.
What a nightmare, I’m glad you and your husband are home safe and sound. There may be things going on with your daughter, but that does NOT give her the right to treat you and her father the way she did. Without an apology, I would not have returned to their home. Why should you and your husband be walking on egg shells?
I had a similar event on Thanksgiving two years ago. My sister, who I use to see maybe 4 or 5 times a year for a few hours, decided to send a letter and tell me everything she thought was wrong with me. I thanked her for her input and have loved her from a distance for the holidays and other special occasions.
Yes, sometime for our own peace of mind, we just have to love people from a distance.
Hmmm. I kind of agree with others, that there is something more going on with your daughter. But if you pry, or suggest counseling that would not be good. Why not try an ice breaker at first. Try to find a sweater like the one you ruined, if not, get your SIL a gift card, and send it to them, with a note, YOU apologizing for ruining the sweater, and telling them how you feel in a NICE way. That way they won’t feel you are trying to stir the pot, and I am sure you will get a reply from them and you can go from there. Good luck to you. Family drama sucks.
I remember your question from October…you since “deleted” it. But I remember your SIL was deployed overseas and your daughter left her home while he was deployed.
For this situation - you all acted poorly in my book.
You did laundry - great - did you ask? I know people can be VERY particular about people touching their laundry - EVEN PARENTS/family…
Your husband stood up for you - great.
Your daughter came unglued.
You left like (in my opinion) two children running away from home. Was her reaction right? NO WAY. However, you left instead of talking to her about it. Even just cooling off in your room.
With the limited information you have given us, it’s VERY hard to tell if there is a problem with their marriage or a problem with your relationship with your daughter.
What role does her husband play in this relationship and event? Was HE upset that his sweater was dried? Did he ask you to do his laundry? Did SHE ask you to do the laundry?
When my parents visit - my mother ALWAYS asks if she can do laundry or help out. Not out of fear of me or my husband but out of respect. Just like when I go to her home - “Mom - do you mind if I put a load of laundry in? Do you have any that needs to be done?” My grandmother has a PARTICULAR way she likes to do laundry - even at 96. We don’t “touch” her laundry. I know - but even one of my best girlfriend’s - does NOT like people - EVEN HER OWN MOTHER - to do her laundry.
Since you don’t live just down the street from your daughter, I would talk with her on the phone or over Skype so that you can get this resolved. There’s more going on. You need to ask questions. Remember - if you don’t ask the hard questions - you won’t get the answers. This won’t be an easy conversation to have with her. DO NOT ACCUSE her…use the “I feel…I was…I am…” not the YOU are or anything like that. She will go in defense mode.
Good luck!!
Well, I have to wonder what the history is between you and your daughter before this visit. I have to wonder what the history is with her father. It sounds like there’s a lot of baggage from her childhood or from her teenhood that isn’t resolved and that she might be working out. For all you know, she’s already in therapy and there are things coming out already and that’s why she was easily upset.
I mean, the clue is in what she said. “why do you always take up for her, I hate you and never want to see your face again” That tells me you and your daughter don’t have a close or good relationship and probably never have, and she felt like her father couldn’t support her even when she was upset that you ruined a load of laundry. I’m telling you right now that the laundry? It was a final straw on her camel’s back and you broke it. Then your husband bonked it on the head with a hammer.
Her husband came to her aid and was comforting her. He’s probably the one who convinced her to allow you back in her home during what was already a stressful visit for them due to issues you’re clearly unaware of. But you think there’s a problem in her marriage. I say it’s not. I say it’s Family of Origin Problems. And you need to talk to her without blaming her or anything. And when I say talk to her, I mean ask her questions and then listen and not get defensive.
The way you worded this makes me feel like you are her step mom? “I was doing something with the children my husband, her dad stepped in and said “she was just trying to help” She then said to her dad” Either this is badly worded or…
I mean if you are her step mom her “tantrum” makes perfect sense.
Wait, is this the same daughter you wanted to invite yourself to in your last question?
Sounds to me like you may be helped with a little counseling.
I am guessing here that you and your daughter have issues. Your daughter could use counseling but that is her decision. And YOU should also go get into some counseling. If she has had tantrums other times with you then obviously something is wrong with your relationship with each other and perhaps you cannot step back and see yourself. I’m not saying it is all your fault. Why don’t you start working on yourself. Also, I think listening to what your daughter has to say is a good idea. I am thinking of my relationship with my own mom - she cannot see her own faults and she often drives everyone around her a bit nuts. She is very difficult for me to be around for very long and I feel like I am biting my tongue for much of her visit trying to be civil. Perhaps you cannot see the ways in which you are driving your own daughter insane?
Perhaps it is as simple as her hubby doesn’t like certain articles of clothing to be placed in the dryer, like myself, because they could shrink. Her reaction was such that you did something that would cause a problem for her and/or her hubby. My hubby accidentally puts certain tops in the dryer, and he gets an earful because he knows that we don’t have money for me to keep replacing what he accidentally shrinks.
Just my two cents.
Megan
None of us know the history - howz your relation with your daughter and her husband otherwise? Also , are you her step mom ?
Just considering this incident , I would say all of you were wrong except the son in law. If you are her step mom , I can understand why she was that upset when her dad took your side. Or if there is a history of him always taking your side and not hers ever.
She definitely should not have said all that she said if this was just one random incident. Also, you both going out of the house was so childish. You were visiting, you are the older and supposedly wiser people , you should have stayed and talked about it after everyone calmed down instead of walking out in the cold. Your daughter was wrong but you both were terribly wrong. Maybe it was a very expensive sweater, maybe she bought it as a gift to her hubby. You had to check with her before doing her laundry if she is so particular about things. Also you need to read washing instructions always before washing sweaters. You are not actually helping someone if you are not doing it right, you know what I mean. It was only helpful if she had clean laundry at the end of it, it’s very stressful if someone (even a mom) decides to do something just to help out but doesn’t bother to do it right. It was carelessness/negligence on your part which could be avoided if you had just mentioned it her before doing her laundry. Maybe she would have told you about the sweater. Her reacting the way she did is not right, but all that could have been avoided if you just told her that you will be doing the laundry for her.
I think this was a silly issue to walk out of the house. I am guessing there is more to the story here , as in some previous unresolved issues.
She does not need counselling. Jesus! This is a simple issue that can be sorted out by talking to each other. Don’t play blame games but just talk to your daughter calmly , tell her you are sad with what happened. And ask her why she lost her temper for such a simple issue. And that hurt you. Be calm and try to resolve it with your daughter. She doesn’t need a counselor for losing her temper just once. And if you think she does, your husband does too. Looks like anger runs in the family. And from the way you have written the post, you do too. Also you had to stop your husband from walking out of the house, instead of going with him. If you doubt there is something going on in her marriage , talk to her. Even if you can’t ask her directly , once she realizes you are being so very understanding and she feels comfortable to open up to you , she might tell you what’s really bothering her. It might take some time for her to open up but damage has been made, you need to repair it.
My grandparents used to fight like cats n dogs. They never did it in front of us when we were younger , but even as a teen I used to hate it. What did you teach your grankids her? - if mommy gets angry at something you did not do right, shout back at her and walk out of the house in anger? Kids learn by watching what adults do.
Sounds like she has a dramatic nature, and perhaps the apple doesn’t fall from the tree. I know she shouldn’t have yelled at you like that but who grabs their luggage and starts walking in freezing weather unless you were looking for a dramatic exit yourself?
If you are going to walk into the fire, don’t be surprised when you get burned.
When my mom comes to town I can be stressed to the point of wanting to pull my own hair out. Instead, I scream at my husband.
Moms cause stress. It’s a fact. Call her and deal with it and move on.
I’m not sure what to say…
THEY invited YOU. YOU were trying to help. You ruined a sweater…was it a personal gift from the King of England?
Her behavior was absolutely ridiculous. How old is she???
I would NEVER EVER in a million years talk to my mom like that and her and I do not have the best relationship.
I think I would think long and hard before ever taking all that trouble to go stay with her again. Rude, obnoxious, and childlike.
If you get the invite again, graciously decline and tell her that your and your husband obviously impose to much stress on her, and dont want to ruin her holdiays again. What a brat!
I’m not really sure what to tell you.
But, perhaps a solution to fix the sweater (which is a good reason to call, break the ice, and talk) might help…
Can you talk privately to her husband and ask what is wrong? It sounds like you are surprised, despite the fact that she sometimes throws tantrums. I wonder if she has emotional problems that are starting to get worse. Just listen to your son-in-law and see what he says. Don’t offer your views, just listen.
I don’t think I’d stay with them any more. Instead, budget for a hotel and don’t stay more than a few days. NEVER use the washer or dryer again, for heaven’s sake. And don’t try to talk to her about her problems. It wouldn’t do any good anyway.
For someone who takes family for granted or uses family members, sometimes pulling back from them because of bad behavior is enough of a lesson. They may never apologize (or maybe they do, but the offense was bad enough that the person they hurt needs a break from the offending family member until they get over it) and by putting some distance between you, they have to actually think about their behavior because it changes the relationship. I believe that THIS helps them re-think how they treat family and though you may never really discuss it, they might learn the lesson and behave better next time. However, if you act like nothing happened, then NOTHING is learned, and she may never get help. Perhaps what will have to happen is that her husband will throw down a gauntlet - get help or he’s leaving. That’s why I think that you need to pull back some so that she will actually FEEL something about her own behavior rather than you just letting her think that somehow she is justified in what she did.
Sometimes we have to help people see things by showing them rather than talking to them. It seems your daughter might be one of these kinds of people.
Good luck,
Dawn
The holidays are a very stressful time of year. It’s very possible that with having guests and all the other holiday responsibilites she just lost it. It can happen to the best of us.
The way I see it, you can do one of 3 things…
- ignore it, put it in the past and move forward
- talk to her about it, find out if there’s anything else happening in her life,
- talk to her husband and see if this was just a one time thing, or if she may need some medical assistance, or just an extra set of hands to help out and relieve some of the stress