There is a group of boys at my kids’ middle school who have been bothering (and I’d say harassing) multiple kids. They are in 8th grade…I have a daughter in 8th and a son in 6th (the school has grades 6-8). Examples of things they do: Last year my daughter had a class with a few of these kids. They were constantly interrupting the teacher (who was a long term sub), calling out in class with weird noises, making the “L” Loser sign at kids when they are trying to answer a question, not letting kids back in the classroom (doors are always locked so when a kid goes to the bathroom they have to be let back in). I did mention all this to the principal last year and she said she would look into it. It didn’t seem to get much better as the year went on.
This year, they do things like frequently yell in people’s faces in the hallway. My daughter’s friend’s name starts with the letters “Yo” and they go up to her and say “Yo mama” all the time. She hates it and just says “that’s not my name”. The ringleader “Alex” is in one class with my daughter and makes faces at her and her friend the whole class…just weird faces like gnashing his teeth. He says weird things to my daughter like “I have a crush on you” (which that in itself isn’t weird but combined with all the other things is just creepy)… Also he has said “Suzy, do you want to go digging with me?” (whatever the heck that’s supposed to mean). Then my son (6th grade) told me that on Friday when he was walking to the bus, “Alex” came up to him and said “What’s up” and then a completely lewd comment (“I like your ba***s, I want to sniff them”) and proceeded to make a disgusting sniffing noise. My son was completely shocked
and said he couldn’t even process what he had said. These boys went to a different elementary school than my kids so we didn’t know about any of them until middle school. The only thing I know about Alex is he lives in a wealthy neighborhood.
Needless to say I’ll be calling the school when they re-open on Tuesday to talk to the principal. I just want to get other people’s opinions to see if I am in the right to be totally livid about this. I know there are a lot of awesome moms here who have gone through a lot and have a lot of insight and wisdom. I feel this is sexual harassment - this kid is in 8th grade
and certainly knows better than this. I can tell that as my son is processing this it is bothering him more and more. I plan to insist that this boy immediately has his seat moved and is not sitting next to my daughter in class, and that he should not be sitting within close distance to any other kid in any of his classes. The school has assemblies all the time and the principal is always saying “bullying will not be tolerated” but my daughter says the principal and teachers don’t see what is going on in the hallyway every single day. They say it is constant swearing and yelling. And this school is one of the top performing schools in the state. It seems to me this kid needs immediate serious consequences and that he needs help. It seems to me he needs a school counselor or therapist to be working with this boy. It would stand to reason that he is saying similar things to other kids too. I just wanted to see if I am being over dramatic here? Should I be handling it differently? Also I told my kids to try to ignore this kid (which they do…). Or that they can say “Alex, leave me alone” or something along those lines…but any other advice would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you in advance!
Any communication you have with a school should be in writing (or the communication never happened). Start keeping a paper trail.
This is harassment and should be reported as.
All schools have a protocol for reporting unwanted/ harassing behavior. Look in the student handbook for the process.
Most schools have a ‘Bully Reporting’ link. Students click on this and can make a report. It can be anonymous. But the child does have to make a report. The more specific (what’s staff were around, what students witnessed it, what was said, where it happened, etc) will help the school take action.
Once a report is made it goes to an ‘intervention team’ who will (privately) interview those named in report. This should be done as privately and as confidentially as possible.
Once info is gained and situation assessed a plan goes into place. Staff and victim are the ones informed of the plan. The victim needs to participate in plan and continue to report unwanted behavior. Once more of a pattern is established and witnessed consequences should be enforced. You will not be informed about the other student, just yours.
In the mean time talk with your children about how to manage this on their own: stay in a group (bathrooms and stairwells make easy targets), loudly use their voice: ‘STOP IT’, ‘ I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE’ ‘THAT IS HARASSMENT’, stay close to staff when near those students, leave class a little later or earlier to avoid student during passing periods. Help your kids them come up with other ideas.
Your children can also go speak directly to social worker/counselor and report as it is happening.
Good luck!
ETA: Schools are still dealing with the aftermath of the pandemic. Many schools are short staffed, many districts cannot find enough substitutes for staff absences and many students have regressed emotionally as well as academically. Many school systems are stressed despite what may appear to the public.
I would take a two-pronged approach to this. One would be to talk to the school and try to get some sort of resolution with the bullies. Two would be to work with my own kids on coping techniques.
It sounds as if this is what you are doing. Good for you.
No, I don’t think you’re being overly dramatic. I do think that your hopes and expectations as to how the school should handle the other kids are doomed to disappoint. The line ‘bullying will not be tolerated’ is such BS. Sounds all tough and stern, but as your kids have pointed out, there’s just no way to police all interactions between all kids, nor should there be.
The school needs to step up, and your kids need to be firm (and loud!) in saying ‘That’s not funny’ or ‘Stop that’ and removing themselves when possible from the situation.
The kids who are preventing learning from happening should be reported by the poor long-suffering sub, but it won’t hurt for the school to get some unamused feedback from parents like you whose kids are not benefiting from class time because of the bad seeds.
It’s not for you to decide just what the consequences should be, ie if the kids need therapy. Keep your eye on the prize- your kids being able to learn in a safe, hassle-free environment. There’s a lot the school simply cannot do, but some things they can. You’ll waste energy trying to get the impossible. Set realistic goals and aim for them.
No - you are not being overly dramatic about it at all.
Our kids found this too - it is worse in middle school, and does tend to get better in high school we found.
These kids who do this (especially the lewd stuff) seem to have behavioral issues and are are probably watching porn excessively etc. and are just going for the shock response for whatever reason. We found there were always one or two in a class and the school would try to divvy them up and shuffle them around each year.
They know believe me - and a lot of times, what we heard was that the kids have known issues, and known home life stuff, and because of the times we live in, can only do so much. We had a kid who actually physically touched girls, and was allowed back to school the following year after a brief suspension. It’s almost as if he was considered the victim because of his home life.
I get it - but the girls felt somewhat traumatized.
For your daughter and son - I would tell them to stick to groups as much as possible, (not always possible) and just be loud and say STOP. They can go immediately to a teacher and report it if they feel comfortable. But paper trail - absolutely. If there is one - and more than one child does it, then the kid could be switched classes. Will become someone else’s problem (unfortunately for them) but at least not yours.
Sadly, no - this kind of behavior is not unheard of. Maturity is really not there at this age - and it does improve by high school. Ignore and say STOP loudly my suggestion.
Noises - very common. Pranks - same. Trying stuff out on subs - unfortunately, they take advantage.
Yes, your kids need to advocate for themselves, both at the time and later on when making a report or talking to a teacher/administrator. Role play with them - they should absolutely leave out (as should you) any labels of the bullying kids (No “they need therapy” or “they are special needs”). The kids need to discuss the BEHAVIOR only, not the motivation or the punishment. (After all, the motivation doesn’t matter - there’s no excuse for this.) One thing I would particularly emphasize with your daughter is not to let anyone say “Boys will be boys” - they are only this way because it’s allowed, not because it’s inherent in males. Also, do not permit, “He’s doing it because he likes you, sweetie.” That’s offensive and it implies that women and girls need to accept abuse if the abuser professes love for or attraction to them.
Yes, put everything in writing. A lot of this is on you as parent, but then again, you weren’t at the scene of any of these incidents. You can only report what your child(ren) told you, name the perpetrators, and put down any dates or locations or class periods when it occurred. Do not, in any way, suggest the discipline that should be used, whether kids need a therapist, or anything else diagnostic. Again, your focus is on behavior only, and on the reactions/emotional states of your children.
Whether it’s a top performing school or not has zero bearing on this. There’s a stereotype among some parents (perhaps the parents of these boys, perhaps not) that atrocious behavior happens in lower income families and schools in rundown areas. And my two cents - education should be a public right, not something you get if you’re in an affluence area that pays high property taxes. Every child deserves the same books, class sizes, materials, and resources. Don’t let you administration prioritize school standings or test scores or whatever, when children’s emotional wellbeing is at stake.
" we’ll look into it" is a classic response from any school official. Having your children stick up for themselves, make noise and set boundaries will go over far more than a teacher " talking to" the bully. Sexual inappropriateness however needs to be addressed. I would talk with the Principal , and write down everything that has been stated to your children. Document any visit or correspondence. Having things in writing is by far the best approach when dealing with the school. Emails,etc.
The principal must act on behalf of the affected students. Give her the facts-have the students make a log of the harassment over several days/weeks. Make an appointment and present the information. The behavior affects emotional growth, academic performance, and more. Request steps be taken to correct the problem.
Unfortunately boys at this age may retaliate against your son if they see him as a tattletale. Be prepared. It may get worse before it gets better. Go to school board or school administrators if you’re unsatisfied with the actions taken by the principal.