Boyfriend doesn't want to be called "Daddy"

Family & Parenting Marriage & Relationships
41

On some level I understand what he is telling you, but I honestly think he is using it as an excuse. It is a very intimidating thing, but she's plenty old enough to know he's not her real daddy and she will never feel lied to. She's going to remember this. That's just silly. HE is having issues with taking on the father role with another one so young, and as long as he has those issues, I would not consider him ready to be a part of your family. She obviously loves him enough to want him to be her daddy. Have her talk to him about it. Have her ask him if he marries you if that means he will be making her his daughter. If she has never known her biological father, then it sounds to me like it would be a good idea for him to adopt her.

My brother was married a year and a half ago and she had a six year old little girl who hadn't seen her biological father since she was a baby. He adopted her, and included her in the wedding ceremony. After he and his wife did their vows, he and Katryn then had their own set of vows regarding being father and daughter. It was very cute and very sweet.

Honestly, if he is this disturbed by it, the marriage should not be a consideration at this point. And it doesn't have to be. You can give him time, and he can adjust to the fact that if he marries you he will be a daddy again. That should affect his decision.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

42

You have only been in this relationship for 9 months. SLOW DOWN!!!

43

My mom got married when I was 9. I was given the choice of continuing to call him his given name, Bernie, as I had been all the yrs him & my mom had been dating, or to start calling him dad. I never felt comfortable calling him dad, so I always called him Bernie. My two younger brothers did always call him dad as he was theirs. When speaking about him, I would refer to him as my father, never dad or step-father. My real dad died when I was a baby, so I never knew any other father but Bernie. It is nice to give the child a choice, but it will be fine. Calling him by his given name is quite appropriate, especially if there will be his, hers & ours kids in the relationship.

44

That makes me angry. If he doesn't love and accept your daughter enough to be her daddy then she'll be in for a lifetime of mistreatment from him. Please don't subject her to that. I've know plenty of other situations where the future husband was delighted to take on the loving role of daddy to his beloved girlfriends children. If she's never had a daddy then find a real man who would love to adopt her after you're married and raise her as his own. It's not too much to ask, it should be a minimum requirement. Raise your standards! If he's impatient now just wait until your married already. That's a recipe for abuse. There's going to be a double standard in your home and that's toxic to all the children. His children will eventually start mistreating you and your daughter and he won't do anything about it. I've seen this before too and it never ends well.

45

Your boyfriend should be delighted that she wants to call him Daddy, most men would be. I think it's normal for a 5 yr old to call a father figure in her life Daddy. If the both of you get marry, he will be her Dad anyway. So, I don't see why he has a problem about it, unless he don't see a future with you.

46

Any man that doesn't want you daughter to call him daddy, has a problem. She can still call him daddy and still know that he is not her real father. She needs to feel that she is part of a real family. If calling him daddy makes her feel that way, then he should not have a problem with it.
We adopted my grandson, he is now 5, and he called us Me Maw and Papa. But, a year ago he changed it on his own. He started calling us mommy and daddy. I asked him why he changed it, he said b/c I wanted my mom and dad to be called by a different name. ( he wanted to be like all the other kids with families). Kids are smart. She knows your boyfriend is not her real daddy, just as my grandson know that we are not. In fact, he has been introducing us to people and telling them that we adopted him. He knows we are his grandparents, but in his heart we are his parents. That is all that matters to kids. She will be forever grateful that he allowed her to call him daddy.
Oh, and by the way, if he is not ok with it....send him on his way. If he can't accept your daughter calling him daddy, then he is not worth it.

47

Let your daughter choose. I think your boyfriend should feel honored at the fact that your daughter wants to call him daddy. She must think of him in a good way. What does he prefer hi you! or hi Daddy!. He needs to think about this. Maybe he is not ready to be a Dad again. He would be if you get married. Better figure it out before hand. If he is not going to step up to the plate and be a dad, you need to find someone more mature. It sounds like your boyfriend is much older than you and in a different stage in life. Just some thoughts-oh yeah, rethink the breast implants. Who cares how big your boobs are! and you are now a role model for your daughter to love what god has given you!

48

This is a tough one. While I agree with your "position" in the end it has to come down to what your boyfriend feels comfortable with.

Is it possible that your boyfriend is worried about how his older children will feel about your daughter "claiming" their daddy? It could be that they are showing signs of jealousy and he wants to protect them or reassure them in someway. Or I could just be way off base.

My brother walked off and left his ex and their 2 daughters when the girls were very young (nearly 5 and 3 weeks). Luckily my SIL met a wonderful man that stepped in and became the man my brother never was. He isn't the girls "father" but he is their daddy. They are older now (11 & almost 6) and are aware that they have another father but they have never felt lied to or cheated out of anything. All they know is that Jason is and always will be the man that is there for him.

Perhaps your bf will change his mind once the two of you move closer to marriage or maybe the 3 of you could find something different but special for her to call him. Something that will recognize the position he holds in her life but doesn't make him feel uncomfortable.

49

Angie,
When I met my DH, my son was 9.. we dated 7 months and got married. He didn't call my DH, DAD until we got married. Keep in mind, that he did see and talk to his Bio-Dad.. it it was an honor for my DS to call my DH "dad"

I wonder why he doesn't want to be called that??? Unless he isn't really considering Marriage at this point... I mean it seems he is pretty adamant about not being referred to or called Daddy. I mean I understand his point of view and I could see if she had a 'daddy' who was involved in her life, but this is NOT the case... She just wants to say she has one... I can't imagine saying as a youngerster.. OH that is just my mom's husband or that is my step dad...

Angie, in fact when I got "remarried" we moved to DH's hometown and he ran into someone at Home Depot and introduced me... he referred to my DS as his step son... I wasn't happy about it as most anyone who knew him, also knew he didn't have any children at the time.

Best of Luck to you. It is great you found the love of your life.

I didn't see your final response until after my message posted... I have to share now that I dated someone like that before I met my DH.
It hurt as my child like yours is a part of you.. it is a total package and although you may have to 'move on' you will be blessed later because of it!
I have to tell you there are plenty of men out there that haven't been married and have NO children (like my DH) who want a family and have no qualms about being a dad and taking on that role.

Angie, YOU deserve so much more and so does your DD... don't accept anything less!
"HE" is out there... God is preparing him for his future with you and your wonderful little girl.

If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone!
Keep your chin up... Don't lower your expectations for anyone.

50

Angie,
Sometimes men just need you to take things slower. Just because he does not want to be called "daddy" today does not mean that he might not want to be called "daddy" in two or three years or once you are married. I would encourage you to talk to him and figure out if he is rejecting your child or if he just needs you to slow down. I would encourage you to ask him what he wants her to call him and then use that language with your 5 year old. Sometimes as women we read more into things than a man intends us to hear.

Good luck with this situation. It is such a touchy one because men never really get it how much women love their children. Don't hear me wrong. Men love their children, but not in the same way that a momma does. We love our children more than life itself.

It is really normal to want a man in your daughter's life that she can call "daddy" and will be a real father to her. Just slow down and figure out if this man is going to be that kind of man or not. You don't have to make any decisions about this today, tomorrow, or next week. Just give it time and keep talking to him about it.

Try not to let it hurt your feelings that he does not want to let her call him "daddy" yet. When he feels like her daddy he will let her call him "daddy."

Sharon

51

Angie, I just read where you are contemplating your relationship. I have not read any of the responses yet, but I feel you have made the right decision. It's hard for some men (most men) to take on other kids and, obviously, he is NOT ready for this. You have your sweet little daughter for the REST of your life and even if you never find a man who will accept her "as his own," you have each other. Thank God for that! Best of luck.

52

There's a couple things that raise red flags for me: one is the lack of patience (we all experience that with kids, but it sounds like it's a concern for you - trust your gut on that). the other is the distancing himself from the parental role. where's the discomfort with being called "daddy" coming from? if he's not ready to step into a parenting role, he may not be ready to be a part of the family. you deserve a full partner and your daughter deserves someone that loves her unconditionally - parents aren't always biological. one more question: does your daughter think of him as a father because he treats her with love, nurturing, and support or is that simply her perception based on ideas of marriage, parenting, etc? hopefully this makes sense. good luck and take care...sarah

ps - i just read that you're contemplating your relationship. you're being a great mom.

53

Angie,
That is deffinatly something that you want to consider before you get married to someone. A blended family is just that, blended. When you decide to marry someone that has children you are decideing to become a part of that family.
A Daddy does not have to be someone that gave life to you, it is someone that helps you through life. A male role model that you want to look up to and learn from. Your boyfriend seems to have a certain way of looking at things, if he can try to look at them in a bigger way would help.
It is not too much to ask another man to take on the role of father to the children that will be his step child. They call it step mother, and step father for a reason. It is something that i would want to make sure would be resolved before you married. Just like you said you would be living as a family. If he never got comfortable with her calling him "Daddy", maybe she could call him Daddy with what his name is attached to it, maybe he would be more comfortable with that. If you do get married he is going to be her step DAD.
I hope it all works out well. I am sure with good communication it will.

54

I just read your response and haven't read the others yet. I think you need to give it time. If he proposes to you then he knows that he will be raising a child. I think he knows more than we all do how much your daughter means to you. However, he has 2 kids and maybe his kids calls someone else dad and that really bothers him.If thats the case give him time.

I really think you might be jumping the gun. Men like marriage to be there idea. I would enjoy this season of your relationship. Remember things change when you get married. Its not bad its just different, so enjoy this phase and if the Lord has put you together then nothing will tear it apart and God has a way of working out the all the details.

55

Before you read mine long response, you need to make sure that first the man wants to be apart of your life AND your daughters. If he really truely wants to be there for you both, then he will treat your daughter as if he helped create her himself. You need to be sure that he will have that unconditional love from the jump. If not then do not continue reading this.

I know my situation may be a little different. My now husband entered my son's life when he was 2. Now my son is 6. At first it was awkward because, my son knows his biological father as well as the new man in my life. I never anything or a title on my son. He called my boyfriend at the time Mr... Then as my son grew older he tried the "dad" title a little as well as just first name. Then one day we were watching the movie "Roll Bounce" and someone said "brotherman." At the age of 4, my son said he's my brotherman (refering to my boyfriend). From that point on he called him Brotherman and continues until this day. That was something that my son felt comfortable with and he established the name. My son still refers to my husband as dad, daddy, and Brotherman. He knows that he has two dads. So in short, I suggest that your daughter grow and come with a name instead of having anything forced on her. It may be as original as my son or it may be simple as dad. Hopes this helps!!!!

56

His stance would bug me.The only thing I could tell you to do is keep your eyes open for any other issues before you make a commitment to this man.

57

Hi,Angie. Don't force this issue. You may think this will make things right, but they won't. He doesn't want it, and may never, want her to call him daddy. Also, this is still a fairly new relationship. This could really confuse her if ya'll should break up. One word of advice. I would watch how ' impatient ' he is with your child. She is your child, and no one should be allowed to treat her badly, like yelling, spanking, hitting in any way. Men can be found everywhere, but there's only 1 child like yours, and that's her. I would tell him, " We are a package deal. That's how it is. You love us both, or get out of here."

I just read your response to all of your responses. I think you're wise to step back and take some time. What a grown up decision. I know it's hard to grow up and realize there's more than just you to consider, but I hand it to you. You are a strong woman, and mother, to make this decision, for the best of YOUR FAMILY. Take it to God and pray about it. Let Him talk to you. Really listen for what He wants to tell you. God bless you and your family.

58

You did not mention where her father is and if he is involved in her life.

I agree with your boyfriend. She should not be calling him daddy unless he adopts her. There are several reasons for this, one is that he is not her daddy. You have been together 9 months, what if, by chance, you break up? She will be devastated and it will really affect her emotionally. Children take everything serioulsy and to heart. They also get hurt very deeply and most of the time they think that whatever goes wrong is their fault. Secondly, you should not pressure him into this either b/c he may get scared away. No man wants to come into a relationship being told he is to play daddy when he is not their daddy. I don't think he is saying he does not want to take care of her when you are married, financially, or otherwise, I think he just does not feel comfortable with a child calling him daddy when he is not her daddy. Give him time as your husband and it will come naturally.

She is 5 yrs old which is now old enough to learn a little bit about her real daddy. Not deep details of course but you can tell her that when two people are in love, they make a baby but that does not always mean that they stay together forever. Sometimes they fall out of love. Sometimes mommies find another person to love and that other person can sometimes become your 'family' but that does not make them your daddy. You will always only have one daddy. This does not mean that ??? does not love you, it just means that he did not create you with mommy. He has his own children and they have their own mommy. You wouldn't want his kids to call me mommy would you? I am your mommy and he is their daddy. When we get married, he will be your family too and he will do everything that daddies do, but he is not your daddy....???? is. It is not fair to her to think one thing and then years later find out another. You can give her bits and pieces of info as she gets older but she does need to know the truth, little by little as she is age appropriate.

Later, if you get married and he decides he wants to adopt her, you sit her down together and tell her that you are all now a family and that ???? has asked if he can adopt you. This will make him just like a daddy and he will be here for you and for mommy forever.

You must be very careful with a child's feelings and emotions. Although it will make you happy to have a daddy for her, you have to think of her. You take care of her as if you were single b/c technically, you still are. Don't get her so close to someone until you are married.

If he has a "short patience", you might need to work on that before you marry him. That is not a good trait to have, especially around a child. Take care of her, keep her in as little of conflict, emotion, etc as you can. Everything a child encounters when they are young is forming their personality later. It is amazing to watch and see what affects them and how. Keep happiness in her upbringing, patience is huge in raising a child. Teach her patience.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.....

59

If you do get married, maybe you could include her in the ceremony as if he were marrying her too almost. You could tell her he is her adopted Daddy. Maybe then he would feel more comfortable with the Daddy name. You could also have her call hhim Daddy John (or whatever his name is)

60

I am glad to see that you are re-evaluating this relationship. My biological father was a loser - as a father anyway. Luckily my Mom met a wonderful man when I was three and he is my Daddy and my children's grandpa. He is the most wonderful Dad I could have ever been blessed with. I wish this for your daughter. Be patient and the right one will come along. Your child is yours forever - a man is a lot more easy to replace. Good luck.