I have been in a relationship for 9 months now and dearly love this great guy. He is very good with my 5 yo daughter, although his patience is sometimes short. He has 2 children of his own, ages 13 & 15, so he's out of practice with younger ones. The problem is that my daughter has never known her biological father and she thinks that her mommy is going to get married one day and then she'll have a daddy. I have spoken to me boyfriend about this and he does not want her to call him daddy b/c he's not. He says that he did not give her life & therefore, cannot be her father. I tried to explain that he would be the only father figure she would ever know and that all she cares about is that she has a daddy, blood or not. She is too young to know what biological means. He thinks that she will feel lied to when she's older. She knows he's not her "real daddy", she thinks that one comes with being married. I need some advise on how I'm handling this. Is it wrong to want her to call a step-father her daddy. Is it too much to ask of another man to take on that role. Any feedback would be welcome.
PS
Just to clarify, she does not call him daddy now & I would not expect that until after we were married and living as a family.
Angie,
Put it to him that he will be just like the parents that can't have children and have to adopt. He will still be her father whether he helped create her or not. A Daddy isn't one who just gives life, but one who loves with their whole heart and gives of themselves to a child who needs love and comfort of a father. That is what he will be. As she grows up the truth does not have to be kept from her, just wait until she is old enough to understand. She will always remember when he came into her life. Being as young as 5 doesn't mean she will lose her memory of the time he came into her life. The important thing is that he is now there, he loves her and is willing to give of himself to her. She will be so happy and love him unconditionally. Tell him that.
Good luck.
Ellen
Maybe come up with a special name for him. Have him and your daughter come up with it. Or just try to explain to her that he will be the father figure but to just call him "John" like she probably is already.
Don't ask him to do something he's not comfortable with. Maybe he'll want to later, but I don't see anything wrong with your daughter calling him by his first name.
Hi Angie,
Listen, he has not even committed to you guys(in marriage that is), so it is not even appropriate for your daughter to call him daddy. What if you guys brake up later on, and she will have another daddy leave ?. Of course, little girl wants a daddy, of course, but I would wait to avoid heartbrake. And if he is seriuos, time will come when it would be an honor for him to be your little girl's daddy.
He's telling you that he's not comfortable with it. Listen to him and quit pushing. You guys have "only" been together for 9mos. He doesn't feel like that is a title that he has earned or derserves and you're only going to aggrivate the situation further by pushing. Let time be on your side and see what it bring.
I agree with the other moms here. My husband was adopted by his step-father when he was 5 and he even he doesn't call him "Dad". I wouldn't push the issue anymore and just leave it alone for a little while. Maybe revisit again down the road when you are married.
It is sad that he can not step out of himself to do that. I know there are a lot of people who call their step dad, dad or daddy because they have been good to them or that is the only father they have known. I know the men, even some may not be perfect and far from it, has taken this as a great compliment and a great responsibility. They've administered the spankings and the love.
I know that you may love him dearly, but this is something that you have to look within yourself to ask, "Is this enough for us?" You have been with this child longer than you have been with this man. Kids need and yearn for stability. Is that something that he is not willing to provide, even after you are married? I also know some men who marry the mom, not the child. I hope your daughter will never have to feel that way.
My girlfriend married into a blended family situation and they went for counseling before they got married to make sure that it would be the best situation for all parties involved. I thought that was the most selfless thing that they could have done, be willing to walk away from each other for the kids. They were also willing to sacrifice to make sure their (the entire family) relationship was strong. I was able to give her some insight on the matter and let her know that she needs to have a special title for them so that they know that they belong to her & her household (stability). If she was uncomfortable with calling them her daughters, she can call them her girls. Not refer to them as "Hi I would like you to meet my husband's daughters..." but as "Hi I would like you to meet my girls (not even stepdaughters"
Maybe you can find a healthy alternative. One thing is for sure, you both need counseling. If it bother's you enough to write in and ask for our advise, it is a problem for you and it must be addressed. To be totally ready to deal with this maturely, you have to ask yourself, "Am I ready to leave, if this does not happen?" If your answer is "no" than I suggest you make an appointment to see a counselor (for yourself) tomorrow because there is something deeper there that you need to explore.
Good Luck and God Bless,
Angie,
That's a true dilema and I wish I had a great solve all answer. However, I must say I agree with you and your daughter here. A father or a dad is not necessarily the male who contributes the sperm or "gives one life." I really feel the "daddy" figure is the man who loves a child as his own at any cost, sacrifices for them, supports them, honors them, rears them, and would give his own life for them. I know that doesn't help much, but as an adoptive parent in just 3 weeks! and as a adopted sister, that's my view. I'll be thinking of you and your situation.
Well that is his choice but he is loosing out on a great thing.I had a son from a previous relationship when I met my ex..he was the only father my son ever knew.Never knew his bio father either and he called him daddy/father/dad is whole life.Explain to your daughter that to call him by his name is okay with you both.Hopefully she wont be to hurt by his rejection and yes..that is what it is..good luck..
Shirley B
I can understand how he would be wary of being called Daddy after only nine months of dating; however, if he is going to stick with this "I didn't give her life, so I can't be her dad" after the wedding, then I would recommend rethinking the relationship. This has the potential to break your daughter's heart and ruin her dearest hope.
As a stepmom who has been "Mommy" from day one, I've learned that love is not an emotion. It is a commitment, and then a choice that you make everyday after that. The warm, fuzzy feelings are byproducts of that commitment and choice. This principle applies to healthy marriage, as well as adoptive (legally official or otherwise) parenting. I hope this turns out well for all of you, Angie. God bless.
Angie,
I had a similar situation in my relationship. My husband and i have been married almost a year now and actually together for almost 3 years. When we got together i already 2 daughters (they were 9 and 3) at the time and was pregant with my 1st son. Now while i know not everyone looks at this in the same way, my husband adores my children and they do call him daddy and he personally wouldnt have it any other way, but it was not something we forced on them. We let them make the decision what he would be called wether it was "Will" or daddy or whatever the case may be. The girls understand that he is not their biological father and that that "father" is out there somewhere. My 1st son was born just 2 months after we moved in together and he "daddy" are the best of friends and you couldnt pull the 2 of them apart. We since also had another son together and the way he treats the "step" kids from his own son is exactly the same. My husband doesnt feel that we are lying to our 2 yr old because we once he old enough to understand (like the girls) we will explain to him the whole story of "daddy" versus "biological father".
so in answer to your final question, in my opinion,NO it is not too much to ask another man to take on the father figure role, to me it should be an honor (and maybe this is because of my experience), he knew you had a child when you started dating and if your going to date someone with children and relationship prospers then it comes with the territory (so to speak). I hope this insight into my situation helps somewhat. Good Luck!!!
Maybe it is just me, but how does your boyfriend treat your daughter? I have known a lot of men who have stepped in as stepfathers and kids have called them dad and they were honored. Is it really that he thinks she will be confused, or does he just not want the responisibility? Either way, if you get married, he will be responsible. Does he want more children with you? Have you even discussed getting married? I would think long and hard about getting married until I was sure about what his expectations really are. I do have a lot of friends who had step fathers that they loved dearly, but they did not call them dad, they came up with special nicknames for them. Maybe that is a solution for you.
Sounds like he has no intentions of being committed to her in any way, now or when she is older. He'll be glad when his kids are grown and he no longer as to pay child support. To him she's just the baggage that comes with you and he'll always consider her the third wheel- she'll be a kid on the outside looking in whether he is sharing time with you or sharing time with his kids. He's obviously not interested in being a father again, so don't plan on marrying and having other children with him. My 2 sons were young when we married and they called him dad from the first day. He was the one who came to me and asked to adopt them so they'd be taken care of by social security, etc., if anything every happened to him while they were young. - dump him, there's better out there.
Hi Angie,
I hope that my response to you doesn't come across as mean....
But your boyfreind is right. Even after you are married, she doesn't have to call him Daddy. I'm a child of many step parents, I never called any one of them Daddy. Though at 5, I knew who the real one was. My children have a step dad, and he also has children. I dont expect them to call me MOM, and my children dont call him DAD.
Yes she's too young to understand Biological and all that, but she'll know in time. Children aren't stupid, they know.
It is what it is...He's NOT her Daddy. But he'll hopefully be the BEST step dad and father figure she has! He doesnt need a label. Just a name.
Give it time. See were the relationship goes. Don't stress about it now. I bet if things progressed and you ended up married he would love her and welcome being called dad. He might be a little overwhelmed by the talk of marriage and being called dad. Especially if he's been divorced before. Take it slow and let him get to know and love your daughter for the wonderful little girl she is. He will end up loving her as much as you do and being called dad will come with it. I have a 12yr old step-son who I love as if I birthed him my self. It all comes with time.
Angie,
My response might sound harsh, but before I committed totally to this man , I would think twice about it. Most genuine men would love your child as their own, regardless of whether he was the biological father or not, and would take on the role of being that father unconditionally. I can understand his concern if her biological father was in the picture or you think might someday return to your daughters life, but it didn't sound like that is the case.
When you marry with children you get the whole package and become a family, although his children may not call you Mom either , I am sure you will treat them as your own. The main thing is be a family and love equally and unconditionally.
Best of luck.
It's not clear to me whether you're married to this man or not. It sounds to me like he isn't ready for a big commitment. In that case, I would explain to your daughter that she can call him daddy if you get married. Men adopt children all the time and are referred to as daddy. Get to the root of it and do what's best for your daughter. If you're married or if he plans on staying in a commited relationship with you and yours, then he needs to step up and be her dad (you came as a package deal).
Good luck!!
Well I have a 4 yo babygirl and my boyfriend and I have been together now for 3.5 years. Just like yours she has never known her biological "donor." We didn't have a discussion she just began calling him daddy. At first he was uncomfortable with it so he had a talk with her and it stop for a little. Then I would say a year later she started again and he's fine with it. Even makes comments to her like "Daddy made a wrong turn" so I know he's comfortable with the idea. Maybe its not the baby you need to talk maybe its the boyfriend. Daddy is not just a word its an action.
My mother remarried when I was 12 years old. I never called my step-father daddy, but he would have done anything for me and my brother. He wrote a note to my father that he would never try to take his place but would care for us as if we were his own. I still have the note. It meant a great deal to me.
I would definitely have a talk with your boyfriend and see, if you were to get married would he then accept the role. It is so vital that kids have a "father figure" in their lives. Obviously, she is wanting or needing to call someone "Daddy". If he is not willing, then he is probably not the right person. Good luck. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.