I am needing suggestions on what to do for my children's birthday parties. Their father and I are divorced. We both have given the kids birthday parties in the past. My children are now in Kindergarten so it's kind of tricky. I seems confusing for a class mate to receive an invitation for my child's party with me and one for his dad's party. We can't throw a party together so that's out.
I have to say that the title of your question made me chuckle... I was like.. what has this world come to!?!? Children are getting divorced? Why did they get married to begin with!
Ok ... all jokes aside. This is a hard one. Unless you are willing to set aside your differences you may have to throw two parties. Either that or one of you throws the party this year and the other does a family type dinner and then next year you switch.
I think that you should put your differences aside for one day and throw the kid a party. Its silly for classmates and friends to get invitations to two parties. Remember that this takes up parent and weekend family time for them too.
Talk it over and see if you can't do 50/50 on cost and be civil for the day for your childs sake. I think it would be a good thing to model for your child as well. Even though mommy and daddy dont love each other they love me enough to do this for me kind of thing. And if its at a park you wouldn't really have to "be together" just in the vicinity. Good luck and I know you can work this out. Its one day in your life and a lifetime memory for a little child.
I can only ditto what the others have said about trying to put aside your differences. This will only become harder as the kids get older if you don't do it now. you and their father are going to be connected pretty much for the rest of your lives because you have children together.
And as a parent I sure as heck wouldn't be taking my kids to two birthday parties for the same kid. I don't have that kind of time OR money.
The only other option I can think of is to ditto again what the first poster said and switch off each year. Although that could be crappy too since whoever gets the sweet 16 also gets the 18th. Both pretty momentous occasions that I'm sure neither of you want to miss.
For your kids sakes please try to put aside the differences. And it'll be good for you too to put them aside.
Put aside your differences. Not just for this one day, but for every day when your kids are involved. They are only 5 now, but you're facing a lifetime of scoccer games, ballet recitals, etc. You were friends and lovers once. You don't have to love each other, but you have to have respect for what you had, and for the children you are raising TOGETHER! You may live in different homes, but you are raising them together! And although you aren't married anymore, you are "stuck" with him. You have to get over the past, and try to have a positive future with your children, which includes your ex. Besides, kids really don't "need" two parties, do they?
Good luck!!!
I think you have to put bad feelings aside and try to do one party with your ex or you invite kids from your neighborhood and your family and he can do the same.
What we do is take turns every other year throwing the "school/friend" party (i.s. we do the 5-year party, she then throws the 6-year party). Then we still do a family party. It is confusing for the other school children if you both try to do parties and then puts the burden on the kids of having to buy two presents (one for your party and one for your ex's party). So far, this has worked out well.
Nowhere in your question do you mention how overwhelming it is for your own children to have two huge celebrations for their birthdays. This shouldn't be about competing for best parent title. With triplets, the size of the classmate celebrations can get pretty out of hand. What if the classmate celebration were simply a cupcake and juicebox in school, maybe an organized game at recess. Then there's a small celebration with family and family friends. These two could be alternated between you from year to year if you and your ex- must throw separate parties.
I want to echo those that suggest that you find a way to work together with your ex. I've seened some pretty scarred kids from prolonged custody battles and divorced parents who can't get along. You might consider a few sessions of family therapy to make this happen. I know it doesn't seem possible now. Just do it for the kids.
If he insists on a party, then I would do something totally different and just as fun. Not to be competetive because noone wins in the end but so that they have good memories from both of you. Also you are right that classmates would be confused to get an invitation from both for two different parties. That would be weird and not fair to classmates either. If he is agreeable, how about one year he does the party and one year you do. The one tht doesnt do the party that year, does something else. That important thing is how the kids feel and not to make them uncomfortable in front of their classmate, or friends because of the situation with you and their dad.
Hi Jolie. Now that the kids are old enough, perhaps they could go to the movies or some other type of special activity (zoo?) with extra-special friends with Dad and an "official" party at home with you? You're right that two parties is confusing (and some people might consider it tacky), plus it draws attention to the fact of your divorce.
Good luck with your decision.
Kate in EC
Maybe you could invite different kids to the different parties: with triplets, there are bound to be a lot of friends! Or maybe you could do half the party: games and snacks, and their dad can do cake and presents (though frankly, that sounds like a lot more work and stress for everyone).
As an aside, my parents divorced as soon as my youngest sister got married. When my sis graduated from college 5 years later, she was really stressed about inviting both of them to the ceremony: but she did. It ws stressful for all of us "kids" (there are three) to be stuck like that. Then when I was pregnant, my sister threw a shower and invited my dad and his girlfriend, and my mom keyed their car: something we never thought my mom of all people would do. Now, nearly 6 years since the shower, my sister invited both parents and my dad's new wife to her housewarming. As far as I know, no one keyed any cars, and they even talked a little. And again it was stressful for all us "kids". We always invite both grandparents to our kids' birthdays: my dad never comes. My point in this aside is to remind you that even as the mother of adult children you will have to deal with your ex. I hope that you will give it some thought, and maybe talk with your ex about it at some point, so that your kids aren't unduly stressed for every happy event in their lives: birthdays, graduations, weddings, housewarmings. I know that you are only half the equation, and I have no idea what kind of man your ex is, but I wanted to put it out there for thought. Good luck with the party: WOW- Triplets! (I am sure you NEVER hear that! ha ha ha)
I agree with the suggestion about taking turns for throwing a party. But really parties are over rated. How about just enjoying a special day out in honor of their b-day when it's your non party year. We don't have parties every year but we just had one yesterday for my son. It had been a couple of years and he really appreciated it. They played flag football and his very close buddies (9 of them) came over. He has many more friends but it's over kill when you start inviting the whole class and everyone you know. The gifts he got were very thoughtful because each of these boys are friends we spend alot of time with on a regular bases and that he's grown up with. my son felt much joy having them altogether.That was a gift in it's self. And he was thanking me over and over as I tucked him into bed. Sorry But I really doubt many kids these days have appreciation like that for the parties they get every year. So don't read to much into parties. There's other very special ways to honor that special day they blessed us.
Both of you need to get past the whole situation and have a party with both of you present. It's about your children not you guys. Have it in a neutral place like Chucky Cheese, the park or something like that and both of you be there. It will not kill either of you to be present for a couple of hours.
Alternate years. One year he throws the big party with friends and you do a family-only party or take your kids somewhere really fun. The next year he does a family-only party and you do the big invite-the-friends party. It may feel like you are missing out when you don't do the friend party because you are used to it. Trust me, you will probably love the off year more and so will your kids. Parties are so expensive. Take all the money you are saving by not doing the big party and take them to a theme park or something. Your kids will have way more fun and will love the special mommy time they get more than their party.
Eventually you guys wont be so upset with each other. Even if you still find his presence annoying try to be the bigger man. When it's your friend-party year give him an invitation, too. He may or may not come but at least he has the opportunity to be included and may even start inviting you to the future parties he throws. It will be good for the kids as well to see that his parents can both tolerate being in the same place for a few hours to celebrate their day.
As the child of divorced parents who really did not get along at all when they were married, I have always appreciated the fact that they would show up at family events (graduations, birthdays, weddings, etc) with no drama and allow the center of attention to be where it should be -- on the child, not on the parent. You'll have to convince your ex that it is no longer about you and your ex, it is about your children. You two must get past this, as others have said. There will only be more occasions in their lives that will require you guys to be there together and it is so stressful and unfair to put the onus on the children -- because that's what happens as the kids become older and more aware (I have cousins who have had to deal with this, so I know). Throwing two parties is kind of competitive ... and -- no offense intended -- maybe bit self-involved on the part of the parent...? Worst case: take turns from year to year. But remember, you will need to figure this out before their 8-grade graduations, before their prom nights, before a lot of milestones where your children will want both of you to be there and to be celebrating them and their accomplishments. Good luck.
It's too bad the two of you can't throw one together. No chance of putting your differences aside for a few hours? That would be best for them.
Other than that, I like Gaby's response above.
I am very intrested in hearing the responces that you recieve on this question....I myself am a divorced mother of twin girls turning 3 in Nov. and am looking for suggestions on how to split birthdays.....
let him throw the big party... U save your money. U can have a slumber party for them instead and have each invite one friend over, or u can take them out to dinner, or take them to an amusement park, or even have a mini party with just your imidiate family over to celebrate. Just do something small and special for them no need for two big parties.
Hi Jolie,
I never had a problem throwing a party together with my ex, but he never wanted to to. For whatever reason, he refused to tell me. BUT, I always invited him...and his girlfriend. But anyhow, that doesn't answer your question...I always invited the kids from school to my party. He usully threw a party, but just his family and friends were invited...I am more involved in the school life of our daughter. I know the parents better, the kids come to my house for play dates, I'm the room parent...etc etc. It was never an issue because he had plenty of friends with kids and plenty of family to make a party for her.
Now, with my step daughter...(that lives with me)....again I am more involved in the school than her Bio-Mother, I am the room parent, kids come to my house for play dates, etc etc. Again, we invited the kids from school to our party..but last year, all of a sudden, bio mom got competative and wanted to throw the same kind of party we were and invite some kids from school...not that she didn't have a right to throw a party for our daughter, but that's another story...lol...so to benefit my baby, I told her Mom that was fine, but we had our daughter make two lists of people, one for our party and one for her mothers. We mailed the invites, so people didn't get confused or feelings hurt..etc etc. Worked out fine, she had a great time and both parties!
Good luck, and with time it usually gets easier dealing with this stuff and an ex...
Diana... :)
Dear Jolie,
Holy Moses! Triplets!
Oh my goodness.
I am a divorced mother too and birthday parties can be such a pain in the rump. My ex and I tried having parties together, but he either took all the presents to house, including all the money that MY relatives gave our son, or, he was all over me begging him to take him back. Neither was a good scenario.
What you're going to have to do is trade off. I know it sucks, believe me. I left my abusive husband before my kid was even 2 years old and he just turned 13 in June. It can be done, but you have to get creative. If it was my ex's year to do the formal b-day party thing, I made arrangements to have a classroom party. I brought balloons and cupcakes and snacks. No presents required. That way, my son got to feel special in class and have ALL his friends and teachers there for a special day. Then, whatever his dad had planned was completely separate. I did the same for Halloween which we trade every year. If I didn't get to go trick or treat with my son, I went to the school and watched their parade and brought snacks for the class party.
May I say that his father has never done any of that. He has his holiday and birthday time and I found a way to have some as well, even on the years I couldn't have my son on the "actual day". I found a way for all of his friends to be included one way or the other. My ex doesn't even live in our town. So, like I said....just get creative.
I'm sure the teachers know that you are not with the father and they are usually pretty good about celebratory stuff. As long as you schedule it ahead and it won't interfere with class time, say towards the end of the day on a Friday. I only had one teacher who was completely opposed to anything sugar so I cut american cheese slices into shapes using a cookie cutter and had crackers, celery, apples, oranges, baby carrots, watermelon. I found packs of erasers or pencils at the dollar store and let my son give them to everyone.
Then, after that....whatever dad did was up to Dad.
Not all kids can attend the most well intentioned birthday party. But, you can still find a way to celebrate with your kids' friends. It takes juggling. But you can do it!
Best of luck.