I want/need suggestions on how to handle the growing attitude problems I am having with my 10 year old daughter. She is so smart and beauitful. She is very active in activities. She is usually a "free spirit" laughing and playing and being a kid. Lately she has smart mouth syndrome and talks back and argues with everything said. Spanking is an option and has happened though I don't like to spank. Grounding doesn't even seem to work. I know that all children go through such trials but how in the devil are we as parents supposed to handle this correctly so that our children grow up to be strong happy will adjusted adults? Any ideas, please???
I would check out who she is hanging out with at school and monitor her friendships. She may be hanging out with kids who are affecting her bad attitude and not helping to make it better. Also what is she watching on tv. I watched a show on nick the other night, it was one of those preteen shows, and the kids were disrespectful to their parents, they had bad attitudes, and basically ran the house, and the parents showed no discipline toward the children. If these are the shows that they are gearing toward our kids I say no tv. Children do go through stages and unfortunately having a bad attitude is one of them, but you just have to be strong. If you have asked her to fix her attitude and she doesn't take away a priviledge, like make her go to bed early, take away tv, something that she enjoys. If she plays sports then I would use that, if she cannot straighten out her attitude then she will not play sports. Spanking can be used, but it should only be used for severe cases of total disrespect. Good luck to you.
I agree with Sarah on the TV programming -I also have a 10yr old - he watches these preteen shows on Nick - as of yet I have not seen very many positive things that he's learned from them. I also have a 12yr old so I know this will pass but in the mean time - the 10yr old gets sent to his room a lot for the mouthiness - with no TV or electronic games.
Good luck.
Is there something behind her irritability? Sometimes if things are ucky at school (i.e. her best friends are excluding her etc) or some place else kids will act out at the only "safe place" they know (which is home). She knows you will love her no matter what. Does she need to express some anger about something? If this is just a developmental milestone then I would just tell her that you welcome her opinion if she can talk to you with respect, but you will not tolerate disrespect. I found with my kids that removing my attention was best ... I'd send them to their room and try to go about my life -- ignoring and eventually extinguishing the deplorable behav. Also be sure to praise her when she acts appropriately ("I like it when we can talk like this, Suzie, you are growing into a wonderful young woman.)
Just my opinion and thoughts
Linda
I am having the same problem with my 10 year old!!! When she gets yelled at, she thinks that she is getting picked on yet she makes the choices to not do what she is supposed to do. I have her in counselling but she also has other issues. I hope they grow out of it!
There is a book called "The New Strong Willed Child" and my daughter is four and already starting with the smart mouth and so far I have read a little of the book and it helps sometimes but you might want to check it out for yourself. Also the same author wrote "The New Dare to Discipline". Just thought they might help. He makes some really good points in the his work.
SHE COULD BE WORSE........THERES A LITTLE GIRL ABOUT 10 WHO LIVES DOWN THE ROAD FROM US WHO TELLS GUYS SHE IS 14-16...SHE LOOKS IT....AND SHE HAS BEEN CAUGHT HAVING SEX WITH OLDER BOYS.....ABOUT 16 YEARS OLD. LAST MONTH SHE CONFIDED IN ME THAT SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS PREGNANT. SHE LIES TO HER PARENTS AND EVERYONE ABOUT EVERYTHING. SHE TALKS TO MEN IN CHAT ROOMS AND TELLS THEM SHE IS OLDER AND HOW HORRIBLE HER PARENTS ARE TO HER........I DONT KNOW HER WHOLE FAMILY LIFE, BUT I THINK SHE MAY LIE ABOUT THAT TOO, BUT I DO NOT KNOW. I DO KNOW THAT SHE HAS BEEN LIKE THIS FOR ABOUT 2 YEARS AND HER PARENTS ARE JUST NOW STARTING TO TRY TO CORRECT HER......SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK IN BEING A MOM TO YOUR DAUGHTER....SHE NEEDS A MOM...EVEN WHEN SHES BEING A PAIN IN THE BUTT...I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TOLD THAT PEOPLE ACT THE WORST WHEN THEY NEED SOMEONE THE MOST. TRUE FOR KIDS TOO.
Rhonda,
I too am a single mother of a almost 10 year old and a now 18 year old. My son became a smart "a_ _" around age 10/11 and the only thing that worked with him was no extra curricular activities(unless it was a team sport and the team would have suffered, because that is a commitment he made to others) but there were no movies, sleepovers, no eating out, no tv, no radio, anything I could think of. Not even any new clothes or shoes. It took about 3 months for his attitude to change but it did and now he is a great respectful young man, and I could not be prouder. My daughter is beginning the same thing, and I have already warned her and told her what happened to her brother, she tries to push the limits, but I remind her that I am not her friend I am her mother and I will not tolerate her attitude with me. Not if she expects me to take her places, like sports, or sleepovers. I have had to be even more strict than I ever thought I would be as a parent, because I am a single mom, but in the end I think it all works out. I even got a sign for my refrigerator that says RESPECT: Give it, Get it!!!!!
That is the rule in our house, and so far it has worked.
I hope this helps a little!!
Goodluck!!
OH how I wish I could help!
My 8 year old drives me up the wall!!!!!!!!!! I would blame it on the new baby in the house, but she was like this before...
I've tried spanking, time outs, no tv
no outside, no toys ( one day several months ago I took all of her toys and put them in my closet and told her I threw them all away)
nothing works, and its ONLY with me...with everyone else, she is PERFECT!
I'm so glad school started today!
let me know if you find a magic answer!
Boy does that sounds familiar, I have a 14 year old that has been threw it and all I can say is good luck. I think from personal experience, that this is the time for you to decide what’s' most important to you with her growth. Now is the time for you to start choosing your battles so to speak. Then make sure that you talk to her a lot. My daughter hates it when I talk to her but it has helped. She knows what I expect and knows that everything else may be negotiable. I know that during the ages of 10 and 11 I really had to "earn her trust" so to speak. She needed to know that I am going to love her no matter what. I do not know all the details of your situation and I know every situation is different. But since I accepted that she is no longer my little girl but now my big girl with her own mind and ability to make her own decisions, things have been great with the way we treat one another. Yes we still have problems, but now I find it very easy to talk to her about her feelings and needs. Let her know that her feelings are important to you and that she can come to you no matter what she feels. If she does not feel safe to express herself now, it will be harder later. I have even gotten to the point that when she does make mistakes, she is able to reconize those mistakes a lot faster and she even tells me what he punishment should be. She had been looking forward to an over night party with her girlfriends for some time and last mo she took off with friends while she was supposed to be babysitting. When I sat her down and asked what she did wrong and how she felt she should be punished, she told me exactly what she did wrong and that she should not be allowed to do the overnight and she did not do her overnight. I even had issues with the friends she was hanging around with, and talked to her a lot about it. Pointed out what her friends were doing that made me worry about her safty. She was able to see the problems and even switched groups of friends. I am not saying become her best friend, that would be a mistake, she needs a mother first and formost and needs to know that that is exactly what you are.
Hi Ronda,
I suggest some materials from loveandlogic.com. They have WONDERFUL materials on parenting. I love their stuff. They use a fun little trick called ENERGY DRAIN. Whenever the child is treating you with disrespect, failing to obey a direction you've given, say, "Ohhhh..... energy drain." The longer you draw it out and look pained the better, BUT YOU CANNOT BE SARCASTIC. If she asks what that is supposed to mean, simply tell her that putting up with that behavior drains your energy. Then let her stew/ think about it for awhile and the next time, she asks you for something,ie wash her laundry, give her a ride somewhere, say ohhh how sad (MUST BE GENUINE) remember when you did such and such earlier, now I used up all my energy dealing with that and I don't have energy to help you with that, but don't worry I'm sure I'll get it back with some good behavior. Check with me next time you need such and such. When she starts to carry on about how it isn't fair and so on, say,"I know," and be sincere. When she starts with how you don't love her anymore, etc., say sweetly, "I love you too much to argue." BUT YOU MUST STICK WITH YOUR DECISION. As times goes on, kids can put some of your energy back by helping with extra chores around the house, not the ones they are supposed to do regularly, things that are usually your job and that will give you extra time if she helps with. Ask her what jobs she thinks may help put your energy back, but they must be done with a good attitude or it doesn't count.
Hope this helps. I've had a little fun with this one myself.
When I say oohhhh... ENERGY DRAIN, my four year old yells, oh no, NOT ENERGY DRAIN, NO ENERGY DRAIN and sometimes gets her act together on the spot, but sometimes I still have to follow through. The fun part is that you have the power to decide later when you will run out of energy, she may thinks she's gotten away with it. Delayed consequences are VERY powerful!
Good Luck!
Paula
Hi Rhonda, I am in your boat. I have a ten year old boy who at times thinks he can smart mouth me. I want to nip this in the bud real fast. At first grounding didn't work. So I decided that if he is going to hard ball so would I. He loves computer so I grounded him from that. When that didn't work I also grounded from going to the park near bye with his friends and continued to add as he continued to smart mouth, he got grounded from t.v.. Then he had to go to bed an hour earlier and he his younger brother and sister, and so on...The price finally got to high for him and he stopped talking to me that way. For now anyway. He is earning back his priveledges as we speak. I didn't just let him have them back because he stopped. He has to show me he means it. My son is a good kid, tries hard in school,loving, kind, and I think wants to know his limmits with his mom. I am a single mother of three on dissability. My children are the love of my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wow, this could have been me 2 years ago. I have a 13 year old step daughter that did the exact same thing except most of what came (and still does) out of her mouth is a lie - no matter how insignificant. We are still working on this too but it has gotten better. I guess it's the terrible two's of pre teens. We did alot of grounding, even my husband did spank her several times too but like you said nothing helped. I can just say she spent alot of time in her room and we had lots and lots of conversations on how this attitude was not going to work.
We also told her that she was getting to the age where trust and ability to talk to us nicely was really going to be an advantage to her - ie: going off with friends, spending the night out and even as far as dating etc in the future.
Now we do still have it occasionally but I think it is a problem that they grow out of. My daughter has gotten better as she gets a little more age on her.
Take care and good luck.
Hi I am a 32 year old single mother who works in home (and looking for an out of home job too). My son is also 10 years old and it seems to me that they are at an age where they are going through a major growth spurt (physically AND emotionally). He seems to be trying to find his independence, so he tests the waters a lot. Obviously I don't think he has a clue about what changes he's going through right now, so I try to keep that in mind. However, I definitely draw boundaries with him (and others) because I refuse to be disrespected and I don't tolerate bad behavior. When these things crop up, I take away what he enjoys most, let him know why I am taking it away and what he needs to do in order to get these things back. For him personally, that is tv, video games, and playing with friends. Taking away these things motivates him to get back in my good graces! I would never take away school activities and sports from him though. Kids need a healthy, positive outlet and if they are not getting that from school activities and sports, where are they getting it from? I definitely do not agree with spanking. I think violence breeds violence. Children learn from a very early age that hitting is bad, so if you hit a child for doing something bad, what they learn is that bad behavior (spanking/hitting) is acceptable sometimes regardless of what people say. And if that's so, then what else do these adults say that isn't really true? I think that it sends a confused message about honesty vs. dishonesty, good vs. bad, right vs. wrong... I don't want my child to think that hitting is okay ever, so I don't ever hit him. I don't think spanking solves anything, but rather creates a path for more trouble on down the road... Anyway, thanks for posting, I've enjoyed reading all of the responses! :O) Good luck with your daughter! Peace, Love, & Light, Sarah
Hi Ronda...
Before I try to give you my 'two cents' here...let me tell you that altho I am far from an expert...I am a very young 47 yr old proud mom...I have raised (and still am raising) my own 5 children who are 25(g), 20(g), 17(b) and my lil angel girl who is 9. (My 17 yr old passed away in Jan of 2002.) I also have 4 step-kids who are 10(b), 9(g), 6(g) and 4(g)...AND I have had countless 'foster' children thru the years. I LOVE kids! Being a mom is my most prized role in life! With that said...here goes...lol...
When my kids were very young, I knew that I didn't want to 'spank' them as punishment/discipline...because I had been beaten as a child almost daily. I wanted to find a way that would teach them rather than punish them for things they were doing wrong. Starting when my first daughter was 3 I let her chose her 'punishment'. I know that sounds crazy, but let me explain... As we all know, grounding doesn't help...spanking doesn't help...yelling, screaming and cussing at them doesn't help...none of these things stop the bad behavior...right? Well, I wanted the behavior to stop. So...when my kids did/do something that they shouldn't have I stop what they are doing and sit and talk WITH them (not TO them). I ask them if THEY know what they did wrong and WHY it's wrong. If they know these 2 answers on their own, then they understand why something needs to happen. If they don't know what they did..meaning...if they are asking "what did I do?"...then I tell them and explain WHY it was wrong. THEN comes the interesting part. I give them 3 options as far as 'punishment' goes. With my now 9 yr old I say something like this..."Summer, (her name) you know that (whatever she did) was wrong and you know that I have to do something so you will remember not to do it again right?" She usually says yes while looking down, she hates it when I am disappointed in her. Then I sagive her her 3 options..."do you want to have to stay off of the phone for the day? (which kills a girl her age...lol) OR do you want to have to miss going skating with your friends/cousins today? (which is one of fav things to do)..OR do you want to help me clean for 3 hours? (at her age, she likes to clean, but for maybe an hour. 3 hours is not fun!) (These are examples, the choices change depending on what is going on in our lives at the time.) She usually takes a few minutes to think about her options and comes to a decision on her own. THIS WAY, she can't/won't come back to me and 'blame' me for her missing out on something SHE really wanted to do. And the few times she has, I remind her that IF she didn't do something wrong, she would be enjoying her activity (that SHE chose to miss out on.) For my kids, along with this kind of 'punishment' comes a rewards 'system' also...meaning...if there is a lengthy time period where they didn't do anything wrong (and you can imagine that this doesn't happen often...lol) they get to do something special that they've been wanting to do...something that they don't get to do on a regular basis. I also taught my kids from very young that if they do something wrong (usually when they're out) and I have to find out from someone else...that their 'punishment' will be a lil more memorable! LOL After this happened a few times, they now come to me on their own (most of the time...lol). I've also taught them that if they lie to me...deny that they did something...that the 'punishment will be more 'memorable' lol.
Out of all of this..my kids know that it's better for them to come to me and tell me the truth...that I won't get mad and start screaming. They know that there will still be a 'punishment'...but not as severe because THEY told me on their own. In starting all of this, I hadn't thought ahead to the 'fun' teen yrs and wasn't prepared for ALL that they know come to me with...lol.. But, I love that they know that they can!
Is any of this making sense? I am not saying that I am a perfect mom. I am saying that I didn't want to be a mom like my own! I wanted my kids to know that they can come to me with anything. That I will put aside what I'm doing (if at all possible) to talk WITH them and spend time with them when they want/need to.
Annie
Hi Ronda,
It looks like you've gotten a lot of great responses so far...
I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes yet (my kids are both still under 4 yrs), but I read a great book that might help. It's called "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk." It's got a lot of great advice that might help. It's worth a shot!
Good Luck!
Laura
My daughter went through that at that age and I decided that spanking didn't help..at that age she was more into video games, talking on the phone, TV etc..the things she loved most were the first things she got taken away everytime I got "the attitude". Instead of TV and Video games, she had to do dishes or dust etc...it didn't take long for her to stop rolling her eyes and stomping her foot at me.
I am inexperienced as a parent on this issue, but remembering the authoritarian household I grew up in, with your permission I'd like to tentatively offer the following:
Consider: is she talking back with the intent of ONLY being disrespectful or is she attempting to communicate her ideas and perceptions of the world she inhabits? Is her intent to establish her own boundaries and opinions thus individualizing herself from you? If so, good! You're raising a thinking child who doesn't automatically accept everything everyone says as true and thus will be able to maintain a level of rational discernment! If so, as a preteen she's more than likely doing it in a disrespectful manner.
Of course I clearly remember days when my parents pushed my buttons so much (as if daring me to act out) that I just had to push back or lose self-respect...it definitely could just be the glorified disrespectful teen thing.
Consider what her intent is first.
My (very humble) opinion is that by the age of 6, unless a child has done something unthinkable, the time for spanking has passed. There are better ways at ten to command respect and obedience. (just remember that first we have to be worthy of it...we have to be real with the kids in regard to our own faults...and use them as a teaching tool.) context and intent are everything.
In our house, if a child speaks inappropriately consistently, they are not allowed to speak at all. That works wonders. hmmm....taking away the ability to use a phone from a preteen....
Hi Rhonda,
The tell tale statement you made "My whole life is running my little angel around"
Sounds like you need to look out for yourself some. Your daughter is noticing that she has you wrapped around her finger and sounds like she is treating you with little respect.
It is so hard to be a single parent and work, be nice and spend quality time with your child. I think that your daughter will show respect for you once you start taking time for yourself. Like tell her that I can't take you ____today. Mom needs to relax for an hour and then we can go for a walk or talk or etc.
Hope this works. Virginia
hi ronda
had the same problem with my now 14 yo.what helped was an advice of a friend of mine:
when your daughter acts up around you it usually means that she feels comfortable enough around you to show her true feelings.all day long we put on faces ,live up to other peoples standards or try to fit into the "clique".then when we come home we can finally let our guard down.
it also helped a lot to talk.always keep talking.
the hardest thing for me was to realize,that my little girl was no longer my little girl.she was growing up to have her own opinion and point of view.
also don't forget that we as women have our monthly moodswings anyway.her emotions will be playing rollercoaster for a while.
i told my daughter ,that i don't deserve beeing talked to in this way after coming home from a 10 hour work day to provide food,clothes and everything else that she calls her own.
and i always told her that our home is supposed to be the place where we can come to and be happy and know we are loved because the world out there is rude and cruel enough.
hope this helps
monika