I have two sons, ages 18 and 10, who for the last 5 years was raised completely by me. Their dad has been in prison for the 5 years, and just recently went into a work release center. During those 5 years, we were separated and divorced. We agreed on visitation for when he was released, which is in August of 2009. About three weeks ago, he got placed in the work release center and was able to come home on the 28th for 7 hours. My youngest son has seen him off and on while he was in prison. My oldest hasnt seen him in 2 years. Both hasn't wanted to see him but went to grandma's to visit with him for the weekend. Now they want to go every weekend to see him. I don't know what to say to them about this and I don't want to seem like I don't want them to see their dad. How do I cope with the fact that I may be losing my kids to someone who didn't care enough to call them or visit with them before he went to prison? I feel helpless knowing that I raised them and kept them fed, clothed, and a place to live while he tried to deny them the child support that they don't get receive and deserve? Can anyone give me some advice so I won't lose my kids or my sanity?
Margie, Please don't try to stop them from going to visit their father. If you do you will lose them..just be there for them. Trust in God..Your sons know who was there for them. You were not their father. Be supportive of them. If you do try to stop them you will only push them towards him. You have raised them to know right form wrong. Just be there for them. Encourage them to tell you about their visit in a positive way. Then you will know what is happening. You will all ways worry. Your a mom. Hopes this has helped....
Hi Margie
I know it has to "feel" like you could "lose" your kids...but know that they are connected to your heart no matter what. The worst thing you could do is deny your kids the "opportunity" to get to know their dad. My dad had nothing to do with me or my bro for 21 yrs and when I was 21 I reached out to him; only for him to die of a heart attack the day before I called again (had left a message)...time waits for no one. I wish my mom would have put her feelings aside...to know we love her no matter what and she is the #1 person on our lives...but we truly wanted to know his side of the family, etc...and its just not a parent's place to make that choice for us. What occurred between two married adults had nothing to do with the kids or their ability to love/learn from them and a parent/child level. PLEASE don't deny them and let them figure it out. NO ONE will replace you...they will love and respect you more for swallowing your heart and pride and letting them LIVE their life....just be there for them, the emotions, questions...boys need men in their life...good bad or indifferent..YOu be their rock and sttandard as you always have....and let them grow up and chose...as long as there is no harm by their father...then let them grow up to know him.....truthfuly...and decide that relationship....its their choice and I wish My mom would have had the courage to let go and let us do it!
hope that helps...God bless!
Good Morning, Margie. My heart goes out to you! Just know that what you have given your children can NEVER be taken away. You are their security blanket, their rock, their everything. It's a natural emotion for them to want to get to know their dad even if he has been absent. This, of course, doesn't take away that it hurts your feelings for them to want to spend time with him now. They are not blind, they know you have been their primary parent and he hasn't. You won't lose your kids as long as you don't alienate yourself from this situation (or any situation in their life). Be the adult who is supportive of their need to know their father and help facilitate it (no matter how much it hurts). It will just make you look even more like the better person you are. Much luck to you~
You can't tell your boys not to like him they have to form there own opinion of him. The best advice is just know you did your best with them, let them know you love them and let them make their own choices about him. They know who has taken care of them and who's sacrificed for them all this time.
You can't look at it as losing them to anyone that comes into their lives. It's an addition to their lives. The more people in the world that love and care about them, the better off they will be. Yes, it's scary. Yes, you probably have resentment toward the fact that you've had to do it alone for the past 5 years. But you can't let that interfere with their desire to get to know their father.
My mom kept my father's identity a secret from me until I was 22. I met him, got to know him a little and then 3 years later he passed away. Because of her feelings about him, I was denied a dad for so long. That's not the way to go.
Find someone that you can talk with and work through your fears about the situation. But don't keep them from forming a bond with him. You have to trust your own parenting skills. You have raised two good, smart boys. They won't turn their back on you just because dad is back in the picture.
I was actually in a similar situation growing up but I was the kid in the scenario. Although you have done a great job raising and taking care of your kids, your kids still want and need a father figure in their life, even if he was not there for them. If you do not let them come to their own conclusions about their dad, they may end up resenting you for it. Don't take it personally that they want to spend time with their dad. I know how hard that must be. But you have to allow your boys to go through the healing process and allow them to forgive so that they don't harbour any bitterness. If so it may very well effect them and their family lives in later years.
You have gotten a lot of good advice to which I agree. However, no one addressed YOU! Do you have any hobbies? Are you dating? Do you have girlfriends you can go shopping with or just go over for coffee? When the kids are gone and you start to feel those negative feelings, find something for YOU to get your mind off them. Its simply hard to have an empty house...mine has been empty all summer (my 3 girls are with their grandmother in TN till August. Trust your kids to make the right decision, talk to them too. But keep yourself busy and just take advantage of when they are with him. Don't make them feel guilty for going either, that would not be fair. Good luck.
What type visitation did you agree too? Is there dad at the grandparents house every weekend?
Nevertheless: tell the boys that they can see him every other weekend.
Remember to keep kids in context. They don't want anything but time and if they get that from a non-cusdotial parent then it is almost like santa came to town. Mostly because it is all fun with that parent. That parent has no want or no need to discipline the kids so it is party time.....of course kids are going to want to spend more time with a parent that is in it for FUN.
You don't have to say anything bad about dad or that "he never called why do you want to see him???"...because they just want to have some kind of relationship with him.
As the primary parent you have the "ugly" job of doing it all...discipline and rules mostly.
Don't worry about losing them to their dad. If dad is irresponsible and start cancelling visits with them, they will see right thru him.
Check out some other sites too (parenting) site or single parent site regarding if you should explain to them that it is all 'fun and game' with dad right now.
It would be so difficult to be in your shoes. I'll give advice that even I would have a difficult time accepting if it were my situation. So, you take how you want and do it or don't. You have absolutely every right to hate what is happening right so much that you feel insane.
Although you resent the kids' dad for what he has and hasn't done, I think your boys are probably just excited to see that their father is interested in them. They have probably been really missing that. It is very important for boys to know their father and feel important to their father. So, as much as it might enrage you, it seems like something your boys really need. So, it also sounds like you need to find a way, as impossible as it seems, to forgive their dad. That is the ONLY way I think you will find sanity. I don't know if you believe in God, but this would be a good time to start if you don't. That kind of forgiveness I think has to come from a Higher Power. Please don't think I'm being preachy or judgmental. I don't know that I would have the strength to see past the anger and resentment.
Now, the only thing I might worried about is what the dad has done to make them want to see him every weekend. You don't want him to be a bad influence on the boys. If they just want to see him because they are happy to have his love and interest, then there's nothing to worry about except taking care of your feelings.
Margie, your boys KNOW that you love them. If they don't recognize all that you have done for them, they will. Just don't let them see how annoyed you are by everything. They may see you as jealous and trying to take away what they are so happy to finally have. Then, that may push them away.
I really hope it works out for you. I don't know if I could handle it being in your situation. I just tell you what I think standing outside of the situation. Good luck.
Hi Margie,
My heart definitely goes out to you and your sons. My advice to you is to pray to God. pray for your sons, Pray for their dad, and pray for yourself. He will get you through this. It must seem scary, but you don't have to go through this alone. If you can, pray together with your sons that God will guide you all through this and give you the wisdom and guidance to make the right decisions and say the right things. He will give you the peace and comfort you're looking for. I will be praying for you as well, and I hope everything goes well and as smooth as it can for the circumstances.
Take care.
Virginia
I hope this verse gives you some comfort, and hope that God does hear our prayers, it comes from Psalm chapter 6 in the Bible;
"I am weary with my groaning; all the night I make my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.
Mine eyes is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.
Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; for the Lord hath heard the voice of my weeping.
The Lord hath heard my supplication; the Lord will receive my prayer.
Let all mine enemies be ashamed and sore vexed: let them return and be ashamed suddenly."
Margie, I don't know you, but mother to mother - I am sorry. Now I don't have very much to say, and I can only say what I feel I would do if I were in your position, and I very nearly was. Your 18 year old has to make his own choice about this, and if it were me, I'd hold my breath and hope that I had done a well enough job raising him that his "father" can't corrupt him. As for the 10 year old, IF it were me, and it isn't, I'd say no, no, no. I don't care what the grandmother says, the 10 year old is too impressionable to be spending time with a convict, ex or not. I know I sound very closed minded on this, and I guess I am due to my past experience. Like I say, this is only me, but I can honestly say, I'd do whatever it took to keep my boys far away. Father or not. I do believe in forgiveness, as one Mom mentioned, but forgiveness in my heart (in my opinion) has nothing to do with putting my children at risk. Again, I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this position. Maybe I am too biased and didn't need to reply, but I just couldn't help it. Sorry if I offended anyone. Good luck Margie and God bless.
My husband has an ex-wife who doesn't like him seeing his kids. All be it for different reasons, I don't think there is ANY reason that would be ok for you to keep your kids from their dad. Unless they were in danger in seeing him. You should try to see it as a positive thing in your children's lives because they are getting to establish a relationship with their father, whether he was there before or not. Isn't it better for kids to have their father in their lives? Wouldn't that make you a bad parent if you denied them of that? In all honesty it sounds a little selfish.... and point blank wrong. Also, child support effects your kids, yes I agree, but not paying it is not grounds to deny your kids their father. You are not only punishing their father, who I know you don't care about, but you are punishing your kids. You're not going to lose your kids, your their mom, they will always love you and always remember you were there for them. Just because they begin to have a relationship with their dad, doesn't mean they will stop having a relationship with you.
Margie,
Unfortunately we are never promised that life's decisions would be easy.
God has given each of us a conscience to let us know what is right and what is wrong. I have a feeling that you already know the right thing to do, but your fears are confusing your decision making.
I understand that you were not prepared for this emotionally, since you didn't expect to have to deal with it until Aug09, but now things have changed. You must address your motives and feelings about this. Although you are not ready for it, your boys are long overdue for it. Regardless of the reason your ex has not been involved in their lives, he is now and they have a chance at a new beginning.
He has had time to think of his mistakes and he is trying to be there for them, otherwise, he would have given them a reason not to want to come back. You are not in competition with him; rather, you must find a way to be supportive of his relationship with them.
Why? 100% for the sake of your sons' needs. Do you want to take a risk on them not being there for your grandchildren? They are learning from their father how to be there for their own children even when they've made a mistake. They need to know that prison didn't rob them of an intimate relationship with their dad. That way, they will be able to work through their hurt from him being gone all this time.
Their love for him and wanting to be with him is in no way a rejection of you, nor does it mean that you will be losing them. And because you have raised them so well, they will have discernment if your ex begins to show signs of negative activity.
You should feel confident rather than helpless since you did raise them well.
You need to find forgiveness in your heart for your ex for not paying child support, not calling or seeing them prior to going to prison. Today is a new day and you will have to leave the past in the past.
For the benefit of your boys, support their decision to see dad when it is convenient for you (and you will need to make it convenient even when you'd rather not) and for him. Try and establish a new relationship with your ex made of friendship and good communication. Later on, your sons will see your efforts as a loving sacrifice and they will appreciate your selflessness.
Since you have raised them on your own for 5 years, you will need to readjust your plans and your way of thinking. Again, you do this because it is the right thing to do, not because your ex deserves it.
You have to realize that no matter what wrong he has done, you both made 2 babies together and you have to give him the chance to make things right with them. This might take time and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, you will need to find something to use your time wisely, so that you don't allow bad thoughts to dominate your thinking. Take up reading or something that you've always been interested in. Spend time with family or friends. Who knows, maybe eventually, you could spend time with your ex and his family as well. Of course, this would take baby steps to get to that point.
We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God~ this means that although your heart is bitter towards your ex, he still should be forgiven in the same way you and I need God's forgiveness for our sins. If you've ever lied, stolen, used God's name in vain, been jealous, lusted after someone, etc... you are in need of God's forgiveness no less than your ex is of yours. None of us are good, but because of God's goodness, we have forgiveness and change in our lives. Just maybe your ex is changing and you should give him the benefit of the doubt. And then, be glad for your boys, many never get this opportunity with their dad's.
Allow God's mercy to soften your heart and you will see your ex through His eyes.
Margie, God loves you and He wants to work in your life. If you put your trust in Him, he will lead the way and you can join Him in what He has prepared ahead of time for you.
This doesn't mean that life will be perfect, just that you don't have to live it alone.
Take Care,
Tina
lawyer prove him unfit hit him for back child pay limit visits to one weekend a month, The 18 year old is an adult aaaand can do as he pleases and you can kick ihmout ot dad 24/7 might open both dad's and sons eyes
The best advice is also the hardest to do.
1. You need to let your kids see him on the weekend. It's not unrealistic to set boundaries though like they can go all day Saturday through Sunday morning but must be home by 12pm so there is plenty of time to finish last minute homework, do last minute shopping, get ready for the next week. Be supportive of their relationship but also be preparing yourself for them to come home heart broken as this new relationship hits the normal bumps in the road. You can't avoid them being hurt because if you do they will resent you for keeping them from him.
Even though you feel that you may be 'losing' them it is actually now that they need you the most - to be their support, their comfort. No matter what, you have laid a good foundation and they know that they can come to YOU at any time and find the understanding and love that they need. You have given them security to spread their wings and take this chance. Be proud of yourself, be strong in the coming days, for yourself.
Don't tell them about the child support and what your ex has done and/or what your feelings are toward him. It is truly best for them to either never know or find out for themselves at a later time. Parents who express things that their ex has done and their (although justified) ill feelings toward them find that they actually build a gap in the relationship between themselves and their children - Sending them closer to the other parent.
I would say that 99% of the men who withhold child support think they are actually hurting you and not the children. They don't understand that it makes our jobs harder as a mom to provide the needs, not even the wants and that you are the only parent left who has to work but also needs to BE THERE for them and that the child support helps your children have a parent (instead of them having to be at work sometimes 2 jobs just to pay the 'need' bills).
Be strong. Have faith. Be understanding. Be secure.