Hi!
My baby is due in less than a month. I plan to take 3 months off of work to be with her, and then my husband's parents are coming to look after her before she goes to daycare. They asked if they could come for 4-6 months. I convinced my husband to limit it to 3 months, which is still much too long for my liking. They live in another country, so when they visit (only every couple of years) they always stay for a long time (usually about a month) and after a few weeks I am miserable. It's not that we don't get along, but they are very demanding and it is also awkward because, since we don't see them that often, I am not very comfortable around them. My husband loves the idea of them coming because we won't have to put the baby in daycare as soon, and he gets upset if I say anything negative about the visit. I have already agreed to 3 months so I'm stuck with that, but does anyone have any advice for coping while they are here? I am dreading working all day and coming home at night to my in-laws, night after night for 3 months, when I just want to see the baby!
Congratulations on your baby! You are lucky on one respect and that is your in-laws live out of the country!! You are very generous that you are allowing the 3 months. This is your first baby and you do need time with her and it can be stressful.
Set guidelines for the visit. You will have your way of doing things and I'm sure your mother-in-law has her own. Sit down at the beginning of the visit and let them know that with the addition of the baby and going back to work that you won't have the time to devote to their visit as you would like. Let them know how appreciative you are of the visit and then tell them how they can help. Once you have your baby on a schedule you can give you mother-in-law tasks to complete while you are at work. Keep a list on the frig and ask them to help you out. Does she cook? Have her make the meals and while she's at it make extra to put in the freezer for later. Give them both one of those blank books and ask them to write about their lives so that you will have a written history for your baby. Depending on the ethnicity of your in-laws, have them write about traditions the family has and participates.
Bottom line; don't let them stress you out. My mother in law lives in another country and is NOT domestic at all and is very intellectual. She's well read and not maternal, but she means well. We see her every couple of years and it works out well. I give her little things to do to help out and it makes her feel useful. We get along well and it works for us. Enjoy your new baby and suck it up with the in-laws knowing that it is only temporary and not a daily intrusion.
wow wendy, you'd rather have your newborn put in daycare than have the baby taken care of by family members, that is, by the grandparents. i just don't see it. i think you're putting yourself ahead of your baby and it is just not good. just my opinion.
my family lives outside the country and my husband and i begged my mother to come stay with us for a while when my twins would be born. she did. she stayed for 4 months. while it was difficult even for me to have my mom around constantly, and i was not working outside the home, it was great to have extra helping hands. when she left we were so sad because we were losing that help. and i say this emphasizing that my girls didn't have to go to daycare so i was already there with extra helping hands. i think you should beg for 6 months stay for your baby's sake. daycares don't care for the baby like you would or family members would. that's just a fact. the baby will be one extra for the daycare, not the light of their eyes, the joy of their lives, the best thing ever!!!!
i am sorry i am being harsh.
Hi Wendy,
First, any chance you can rent an apartment nearby for them? Or put them up in a hotel on weekends? That way they are close but not constantly there. They might like the space too. Talk openly ahead of time about the need for some family alone time.
Secondly, reevaluate your decision after the baby is born. Your whole world changes so you may decide you want them around for 3 months or longer.
Best of luck!
Hi Wendy,
Trust me - family members taking care of the baby is so much better than daycare - you may change your mind after the baby comes. (plus it costs less).
It sounds like previously, you've been unable to set limitations with your in-laws. Now's a good time to start - especially with the baby. They may not like it because they're used to the "old ways," but you're going to have to voice your feelings and opinions. Make sure your husband deals with them, too and shares the demands... Who knows? Maybe they'll see how hard you work and how busy you are - And if not, you can always just tell them what you're doing and how you don't multitask.
I know that you are feeling stressed out and anxious right now. I think that you shouldn't make any hard decisions until once the baby comes home. A baby can strengthen many strained relationships. I agree with the post about trying to rent an apartment or hotel suite. If you live in the Fairfax, va area there is one hotel near Fair Lakes that are 'suites' and rent on a weekly/monthly basis. All the ammenities of home. That would give them an opportunity for a break from the family and always having to feel the hostess. As for the length of time that they are staying, again wait until the baby comes home to make a decision. There will be a time when you will pray for someone to watch the baby for an hour or so so that you can get some much needed rest.
Good luck and take it one day at a time.
Megan
Hi Wendy,
Learning how to stand up for yourself without getting angry is one of the hardest thing you will ever do for yourself. How can you learn that whatever they do or say is a reflection of how they were raised. Just think, this is their grandchild and the baby will be carrying their genes in his body. Learn about their culture while they visit. Be honored that they care about the birth of you and your husband's baby to come to the states to help you. If you can't cope sometimes, take a break and don't complain to your husband, they are his parents. Would you want him to do the same thing to your parents? Coping is difficult. Find ways to enjoy yourself. The baby is not only for the parents but grandparents and the village.
Good luck. Donna
Hi Wendy,
I think all of the responses have great points. Are you in a position that you must go back to work? Are you going back because you love your job or to make ends meet? In our household I realized with children that my priority was control over my time freedom. I could not stand being away, working 40-60 hours per week, missing events and limited to two weeks vacation. My solution was an internet based home business my cousin shared with me. It brought me home in a few short months. I am looking for other people who have the same desire to teach and train so that they can have options to stay at home, make the money they desire and have the right to make family choices that are right for you. Let me know if you want to talk more about how I did this. Maybe it will be a good choice for you.
Take care, Samantha
Maybe you could have your husband talk with them about having his parents go out on a date night at least once or twice per week on a certain night (movie/dinner/shopping) so as to give you and your husband alone time and alone time with the baby. They might enjoy the respite after caring for the baby during the day. Good luck.
Wendy, all I can say about this is to pray for compassion and understanding. I was in a similar situation about 41 years ago except I lived in my in-laws house for about one year. My husband was away in college while I awaited the birth of my son. I think that maybe some of my attitude was hormanal based but once my son was born, I just wanted to keep him all to myself. Sometimes I know I was not very pleasant. I knew that my attitude was wrong but couldn't seem to get over it. However, it got better as my son got older and we prepared to get our own place. My point is that as I look back on those years, I know that we were blessed to have the love and support from my inlaws and they did not hold my attitude against me. (smile)
Wendy, congrats and blessings on your upcoming birth. All I can say is that you will want and welcome any help you can get with having a newborn trust me. My husband and I don't have any family here in the area and I jump at the chance when my mom or other family wants to come visit--unfortunately I don't get along with the in-laws so they don't come up much (and they live in NC!) Anyway, if your planning to breatfeed, you won't have much time for little stuff around the house either so take the opportunity to have others there to do things for you, like clean, cook, and those moments when you want to soak in a tub---think about it. Your life you've known for the 14 years you and your husband have had is OVER!!! Sorry for the bluntness! I just long for the day I can relax in a tub in peace :) Once they've been with the baby all day-when you go to work-I'm sure they will leave you to have your time once you come home in the evening. You will be grateful for the extra hands.
Best of luck
I really feel for you Wendy! That is a very long time for any in-laws, even ones you like! I admire you for compromising with your husband since it is so important to him, and sacrificing your own comfort.
I can only think of two things: First, do NOT let anything fester. Even something small is sure to boil under the surface for weeks until it blows up! It would be better for you to process through what annoys you and what does NOT work EACH night before bed so you can have a fresh start the next day. Talk with your husband or a good girlfriend... and if it something you NEED to get off your chest, approach your in-laws about it.
Second -- make sure you have YOUR time apart from the in-laws. Take your daughter out anywhere if you have to (Borders, an evening walk, the library, a gf's house)... If you need some quiet away from everyone but don't feel like going out, practice going in your room and shutting the door to unwind. The more you take care of yourself, the better your patience meter will be!
Goodluck with the visit! I really hope it works out for everyone...Also remember that parenting advice can get annoying (REALLY annoying) so learning to ignore advice is a skill worth it's weight in gold!!!
Kristen
Does your husband have an open relationship with his parents? Could he be your advocate?
I am just thinking how fortunate you are to have family that is willing to come help, even if it may seem like it will be a hard thing to cope with. It is hard to know what life will be like until you actually have that baby! But being able to communicate with your in-laws will be key.
Maybe you could just plan tentatively... You could tell your in-laws 3-6 months. Or use your husband as your advocate to talk to his parents. Maybe you will have found a great daycare that the spot will fill up if your baby does not go 3 months after he/she is born. Or maybe you will be so delighted to have your in-laws there to care for your baby (and maybe even housework and meals! a HUGE help!)
I would recommend not making too many "set" plans until you have had time to be with your baby and know how you are feeling. Again, nobody can prepare you for what it will be like once your baby arrives! You may think one way now, but feel the complete opposite in a month.
And if your in-laws do stay longer than hoped for, you can always try to leave with the baby or have your husband suggest outings for your in-laws. Hopefully you and/or your husband feel comfortable talking to your in-laws; good communication will be important. And you will need time alone with your baby.
Hope this helps a little.
Good luck with everything!
It sounds like you and your husband need to have an important conversation about your in laws stay. You are going to be dealing with the pressures of a newborn AND a prolonged visit from your inlaws. I would sit down with your husband and tell him your concerns. I would start off with something positive (i.e. how much you appreciate they are coming to help out), then throw in your concerns (i.e. maybe you feel like you have to play hostess while dealing with a newborn), and then end with confirmation that you are appreciative of all the help they are going to be and you know how he doesn't get to see them very often so its important to him. Subjects like this are so sensitive (I had to do this with my husband). This is a transition time for you and your husband into a family of three and you will also be dealing with visitors while that is all going on. I think if you two can sit down and have a conversation he will be able to understand where you are coming from. Let him know your anxieties about coming home to a full house, when you will just want the baby. I think you will find that he understands and your inlaws will understand the pressures on you as a new mother. If it gets to be too difficult and it seems like they "just don't get it" you might have to sit down and have this discussion with them as well. Hopefully though before you have to go that far, your husband will have said something to them.
I don't know if this has helped at all, but I hope it has!
man i feel your pain. i just had my mother in law my sister in law and her daughter for2 months and it was the longest two months of my life. again it isnt because we dont like our inlawas but 2 months was too long to have anybody in our home,your home is not your own when you have company and it just gest more and more draining the longer they stay.all i can say is keep busey and be patient.also take advantage of the fact that you will have two wonderful babysitters under your roof that you wont even have to pay.take every oppertunity to go on a date with your hubby and to get out and do thngs that you enjoy.i wish you all the luck in the world.
Wendy, I understand your feelings. I felt the same way when expected my first child. I want to keep my baby only to myself. I wanted to take care of her my way. I felt very prepared and totally ready to have this baby.
My parents that live in another country wanted to visit. I love them, but it is always somewhat hard to cope with them staying with us because they have their view on everything.
When baby was born, my husband and I were so happy. I was breastfeeding and took care of my little one. I took off from work for 3 months. I was happy first, but then waking up at night, feeding a baby every 2.5 hours, taking care of other hundred of little things. When my parents finally arrive, before I have to come back at work, I have become a nervous wrack. I realized it is very hard- emotionally (you hormones jumps up and down) and physically, to handle most everything with a new born even though my husband has always been very supporting and helpful.
I believe you come to the same realization. You will need that help, and you will accept it. You need to straight up your priorities—the baby's wellbeing comes first, and then compromise.
Nobody can take care of you child better then YOUR family. It doesn't matter they live in another country—this is their grandchild. And then think about it, for the baby another loving human being is such a treasure in our rough world.
Wendy,
Before your in-laws arrive, you should have a talk with you husband. Let him know that you thrilled that his parents will be able to bond with the baby so early especially since they live so far away. If will be nice for you to know your newborn is in good hands when you go back to work. Tell him your concern is how demanding they tend to be during their visits and you don't think you are up to working all day and coming home to take care of the baby, them and all the normal dinner and other household chores.
Ask that he be prepared to help you with all of these things and, if necessary, explain have his explain to his parents that your plates are very full with parenthood, full-time jobs, and general household duties so that while you both enjoy their visit and appreciate their help, you (meaning both of you) will not be able to take care of them/entertain them each evening. Try to plan a few things for when they first get there but before you go back to work and then again before they return home.
Just try to be sure not to come off like you are attacking them or he will likely become defensive...they are his parents. But you have to do this for your own sanity. By laying it out before their visit, he won't be surprised when you aren't "taking care of the in-laws" later.
Good luck.
Hello Wendy,
You are in a very complicated situation. As you'll find out, it is nice to have people helping during the first 6 weeks, but it is also kind of crazy having people over the first 6 weeks.
Since the decision of your in-laws has already been made, and they are coming for three months, then, try to make the best of it.
First, give them tasks. If you are not specific about what needs to be done, they'll (read your mother in-law) will be content with just holding the baby. While this is great, you'll need real help in other areas such as: food, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning up the house, the "graveyard" shift, and having some time off for yourself. The more specific you are, the better things will go.
Remember, this is your house, your childbirth experience, and your baby. No one wants to come to your house and start cooking if they don't feel comfortable. So, please, asked them directly, make a list, whatever works. Believe me, when I had my first child, I had both, my mom and my mother in-law with me. While my mother in-law was doing everything in her part to take care of ME, so that I could take care of the baby, my mom just held the baby. It was sort of ridiculous that when I came home from the hospital, around noon, my mom hadn't cooked anything for me. She didn't think that I wanted her to do such thing!!!
So, for my second child I became a task master...and she liked it. She knew how she could help me, and she was happy holding the baby.
Good luck
I've dealt with the same issue with my in-laws and really haven't found any way to make the situation better except to take advantage of the "built-in" babysitter aspect. I have twins and my husband is reluctant to use a babysitter that isn't family so we don't get out by ourselves very often. So when his mother comes, we usually go out just the two of us about once a week or so. The kids are usually in bed by the time we go out so we don't have to worry and we know someone we trust is there to watch over them in the event that they wake up.
This might not take away the stress of long-term house guests but might help your marriage stay strong. Good luck and I look forward to reading the other responses!
Hi Wendy,
I dont know from where your in laws are coming so Im not entirely sure of the cultural considerations. In many parts of the world when a woman has a baby they are treated very well by the in laws. No one will expect you to 'entertain' or become super mom. I know you have anxiety about their stay but to be honest, it will be a blessing in disguise and it is a good thing that your daughter wont be put in childcare.
When I was pregnant my mother in law wanted to come for the birth. I put my foot down and said that I needed a bit of adjusting time. So she came after 4 weeks. Im glad that I did have time to feel comfortable as a mother but Im also glad that she came when things began to get tough. She was very supportive and helpful in letting me feel relaxed.
Good luck. DOnt dwell on it too much in advance.
Juliet