My daughter is about to go into the middle school and made friends with a girl in her school who is quiet, shy, a little anxious, dresses up much younger than her age, does not have many friends. We became close friend with the family but… even though the girl’s parents are thrilled they are friend and want them to be in the same classroom next year, almost every time we hang out this happens. I think we all had a great time and then the mom will say: “oh by the way when we were hanging out your daughter did … or said…” it is never dangerous or mean to her child. Or she will say: “oh my daughter said your daughter forgot her homework.” You get the point. I am thinking to tell her this: “I was going to actually talk to you about this. When my daughter does or says something that is dangerous or mean, please let me know. Otherwise I can’t and won’t talk to my daughter about everything because she will think your daughter is a tattletale and will not be her friend.” How does this sound? Any other suggestions? Thank you!
@ovy32 I think you are spot on that it is not needed for friend’s mom to mention every little thing to you and for her daughter to mention every little thing to her. I might suggest a bit of a tweak while keeping the essence of your very important boundary.
“I really appreciate how much you care about the girls’ friendship — we do too. I did want to share something that’s been on my mind. When I hear about every little thing my daughter says or does, it puts me in a tricky position as a parent. Of course, if anything serious ever happens with my daughter — something hurtful or unsafe — please let me know right away. But for the day-to-day stuff, I think it’s best for the girls to have space to navigate things on their own. That way they can build trust and a stronger friendship. I don’t feel the need to hear about or respond to every happening.”
I think you are correct to limit the “informing” to “dangerous or cruel remarks” (I’d change “mean” to “cruel” because this mom may have a looser definition of “mean” than you do). I would add that middle schoolers need to develop skills in managing friendships and homework loads, increasing their own responsibilities, and making good choices in relationships. Anything related to schoolwork should be dealt with by the student and the teacher, and kids this age need to be able to handle their assignments with guidance from teachers, not constant oversight by parents, and certainly not oversight by another parent. Tell the mom that you don’t expect your daughter to tell you every single thing that a student does, the teacher says, or what consequences anyone received from the teacher. Learning to handle those thigns are vital life skills. Kids also need to start learning to walk away from mean or toxic people, to look for kindness in their associations, and to be as giving to others as they expect in return. Parents do their kids a disservice by taking away their agency and handling everything (I’d avoid the word “micromanaging” or “helicopter parenting” but I’d try to get that message across with some kind of subtlety. Also say that you don’t want your daughter to view the other child or the mom as so hyper-vigilant that everything she does is being reported on, and say that you’re sure that mom doesn’t want you reporting on every single interaction, positive or negative, either. I would maybe say less about “my daughter won’t be your daughter’s friend” and say more about “making choices to be with kids of similar values and priorities.” Maturing is an awkward thing, and kids need to find their way through a certain amount of trial and error - your daughter’s friend dresses and acts younger, and maybe that’s her preference, but maybe that’s because the mom can’t admit her child is growing up. When both kids get to middle school, they’re going to be with kids their own age but also older, so they will have plenty of admirable kids to imitate and model themselves after, and they will see other kids behaving badly and losing out one way or another (either through kids avoiding them or staff disciplining them). The other girl will either step up her game and grow up in many ways, or she won’t - but all you can say is what your wish is for your own child, and I’d leave out anything about her daughter or what has to happen to “earn” your daughter’s friendship. Nothing has to be earned - you’re just not going to respond to criticisms of inconsequential things or those which are the responsibilities of you, her and her teachers. If the mom persists, give her one warning: “I have already expressed to you that I plan to handle my parenting myself and my daughter’s school performance in conjunction with her teachers.” After that, I wouldn’t respond at all, and I wouldn’t have play dates in your home or the other home. The girls can hang out at school if they choose, or in a group at someone else’s house, but not one-on-one in your home or hers. Unless you feel the need to keep a connection for emergencies, I’d block her number if this persists.
If you like the parents and want to remain close friends, I think I would first acknowledge the shared challenge of knowing when to intervene and when not to intervene as your kids grow up. So, first connect with her…. you are two moms who both want the same thing; for your kids to grow up well. Then you can state your boundary. I don’t think you need to include the worry that they wouldn’t be friends anymore or her daughter is being a tattletale. I think it should be enough to say that you don’t need to hear about the day to day stuff because you’re hoping they learn to navigate things themselves, and/or ask for help when isomething is really important.
I kind of wonder if there is more to this than she is saying. Is there something more that might be bothering her daughter or her about their friendship? If mom persists after you’ve talked about it, I would ask her.
@RN_L I am going to @ovy32 and @Diane_B3 so they are aware of your comment. In this system you need to @ the person to get their attention. You make a very good point by the way that there is likely something else going on in that mother-child dyad.