Yesterday my husband, two kids, and I went to visit my in-laws an hour away, and toward the end of the visit, it was suggested (without asking my husband or me) that my daughter stay the night, and as we loaded the car to leave, my daughter was upstairs picking out which bed she was going to sleep in. Neither of our kids (4 and 2) have slept over anywhere without us, and I know to some that's strange, but when both my husband and I were young, grandparent or other family sleepovers were done out of necessity, and certainly there was more planning involved than asking a 4 year old what she wanted to do at the last minute.
Both my husband and I feel she isn't ready to stay the night away from home, as she doesn't sleep well even with all of us together on a vacation, since she's out of her element. And it's an hour away, which would mean us driving 4 hours from evening to morning just to have her sleep over.
We have now been made to feel very guilty about the whole incident, and my FIL hasn't gotten out of bed today b/c he's so depressed that his coworkers get to keep their grandkids and he doesn't. I personally need more than 5 minutes of preparation for my daughter's first sleepover, and her own toothbrush and pajamas would've been nice, too. I've tried to tell them that it's not them, that my kids haven't stayed anywhere, and I guess I just don't get why I need to have them sleep over. When we go to visit, my MIL and daughter will disappear to play Barbies (I'm invited to play after a few minutes) and my FIL and son will play with blocks or lincoln logs or trains with my husband.
I know that a lot of parents enjoy the break that comes with dropping the kids off for the night, but my husband and I don't go out, we'll crash on the couch with a new movie and some popcorn after the kids are in bed at 8:30, and see the kids in the morning. Is it that big a deal to have them sleep over at 4 and 2?
Thanks in advance for the opinions, and also, do you think it'd suffice to plan for us to drop the kids off there for a few hours while my husband and I did some shopping? Is it alone time with them that they want, or is it something else?
I think that a sleepover needs to be discussed well in advance. I would tell the FIL that you need more than 5 min. notice. You need to get things together. The other thing is the drive. I would ask them if they might take her for a weekend sometime - to make the drive worth it.
My kids were 4th and 6th grade before they spent the night anywhere and they spent the weekend with my parents. That was out of necessity - we were moving out of state and had to buy a house.
So... go with your gut. Say no until you are ready.
I learned from a friend (an experienced parent) some time ago that if a situation involving your children makes you uncomfortable just say no. As a parent, you should always have the final say. I agree that a sleepover an hour away from home for a 4 year old is too risky. What if she gets up in the middle of the night, for example? In an unfamiliar environment, that could be potentially dangerous and frightening.
But two bigger issues looming here involve your husband's inability to not speak up to his own parents and your FIL's use of guilt as a way to control the situation. Create some boundaries between you and the in laws. Under no circumstances should they place your child in the middle. Decisions regarding your children's welfare should be up to you AND your husband.
In terms of finding time alone with your husband or simply running errands in peace, find a reliable babysitter who's in your area. Neighbors are great resources!
Chandres,
You are completely in the right. You FIL needs to get over himself. To stay in bed all day depressed over this? Please! If they want that, they could come to your house for the weekend to visit or watch the kids at your house and you and hubby go to a hotel. My 7 yr old has stayed the night with both sides of the family, we live in the same neighborhood, both as a treat and out of necessity. At first I was a nervous wreck, barely slept, and I was just across/down the street! No way my kid is staying an hour away without either me or my hubby or both. I have a 21m daughter who has never stayed the night somewhere without me.
Megan
Trust your instincts- they are your gift from God. I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I, too, have a 2 and 4 year old and neither has ever spent the night away from home without me. I intend to keep it that way, for now. Another option for your in-laws is to come and spend the night at your house. Make it a long weekend with lots of fun activities plannned. Your kids will be on a mini-vacation without ever leaving home. Talk to your husband about how you feel and have him try to explain it to his parents. They would probably accept things better coming from him.
I guess I am the only one on the other side of the fence on this issue. A sleepover at the grandparents house doesn't seem like a big deal to me, it's not like they are totally irresponsible. They have at least one adult child that seems well adjusted. Also to me an hour away is nothing. We have to drive much further than that to see our family, about 7 hours. There is a problem with them just asking your child during a visit to spend the night. Things that that do need to be discussed with mom and dad and planned in advance. Maybe your in-laws want some bonding time with your kids. A lot of people like to spoil their grndkids, with their undivided attention and sometimes fun things that mom and dad might not let them do. We need to allow other family members (grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc.) to develop relationships with our children. It really is nice to have the support of your whole family. Try to think forward to when your babies have kids, would you want to have some time with them to do special things or time devoted just to them? Good luck to you and your family no matter what you choose.
It's great that your in-laws want to be involved. They want some one-on-one time with the kids, and why not? Sleepovers with the grandparents could turn out to be a positive experience that they'll all remember for a long time. And if your daughter has a hard time sleeping for one night, it won't kill her. Maybe she'll learn that she can sleep somewhere besides her own bed and be okay.
But your in-laws should know better than to spring last-minute plans on a family with two little kids! Or to ask a 4-year-old what she wants to do without talking to a parent first! It sounds like your in-laws may be a bit lacking in the social- skills department.
Why not ask your FIL if he'd like to have them over for a sleepover some day in the future, and then pick a date, so you can make sure everyone's prepared?
I don't get the point about shopping during the day-- if you don't want to drive for four hours for an overnight, driving four hours to shop sounds even more inconvenient. Are you nervous that your in-laws won't be able to handle a longer stretch of time?
I would not have been impressed with having that sprung on me last minute eithe and feel that they should have asked you and your husband in private before it was every mentioning it to your children. However you really might want to take them up on the offer. My husband and I had never taken our daughter to either set of grandparents for a sleep over until she was almost 3. I can down with the flu and we wanted to get her out of the house to prevent her from getting sick as well. I also we not able to take care of her at that time. She spent 2 nights at my in-laws house and she loved it. She did have a hard time when she got home because she then explained to me in 3 year old languauge that she thought I had sent her away b/c she had made me sick. I guess the explanation that we didn't want her to get sick got lost to a 3 year old. We also didn't have any time to prepare her for this event and after the fact she didn't want to go back to their house b/c she thought she was getting left there each time b/c she was given no warning the first time it happened. If I had it to do over again I would have let her stay a little younger and prepared and explained that she would be coming back home soon etc. You never know when you maybe in a situation that requires your children to spend a night or two away from home and it will help them if the first time is under good circumstances.
I have some friends whose kids have had "sleepovers" with grandparents since birth. My kids (5 and 2) have never slept away from home without either myself or my husband. It's all about what YOU are comfortable with.
I think your feelings on this are perfectly normal and acceptable, as would be dropping off the kids for the night. It is a personal choice. Don't feel guilty about it, its totally your call.
My 4 year old daughter spent 2-3 nights with her grandmother at our house when her baby sister was born. Other than that, I want her with me for the foreseeable future. Her aunt asks, but I am more comfortable with it this way. My opinion is that when she is older she will be more capable of making safe decisions and following Mom and Dad's rules even in an unfamiliar situation. But for the most part, I just want her near because I am her Mom and that should be good enough for anyone.
I do suggest that you give the grandparents lots of alone time to the point that you are comfortable with it. But you don't need ot make excuses for why no overnights yet. If you feel the need for an excues, say that you think they will have anxiety being away from you. And my personal opinion is that two is much too young!!! But that is jsut me.
If the lack of preparation was the issue, tell them that you will be ready to try it (pick a date) but that you want to do some dry runs first - like having her spend the whole day. Another option is to let themn stay overnight at your house and you and your husband find a hotel nearby. That way, it is your territory, your daughter has the comfort of her stuff, and you know she is safe (the house is childprrofed, the furniture won't fall on her, the doors are secure, etc.).
Either way, no one, not even your husband, should have sprung this on you.
Growing up we had sleepovers at grandparents house since we were born.Our oldest was less than 12 months old when he did. I am sorry I do not see a big deal about it. If your inlaws are hands on grandparents(like ours), why not?My husband always calls them "10 "times a day to check how kids are doing and our 3 year old just says when asked to come to the phone " tell mommy and daddy I love them but we're playing here":)(my inlaws too live an hour from us)
I agree with the post Laura made. Your in-laws need to respect your boundaries and not view your decisions as something you are doing against them or that you don't trust them. You and your husband have every right to decide if and when your children are ready for a sleep over and to plan ahead. My mother used to pressure my sister to leave the grandkids with her (sister lives one hour away), but then call to have my sister come pick up one of them for one reason or another.
I have to say that your FIL's behavior sounds manipulative and juvenile. Maybe I am being harsh here, but his staying in bed is tantamount to a temper tantrum. That is a pretty poor example of how to handle a difference of opinion and that in and of itself would give me pause as to whether he is a good example in other ways. If the kids don't behave the way he wants, will he go to bed and sulk?
I feel for you and I am sure you will do what is best for your family. Take good care.
My mother has played the game of asking to do stuff with the kids last minute and in front of the kids. I find it to be manipulative. It would show a lot more respect for you and your husband if they asked you privately. They know it is harder for you to say no once they get the kids on their side. They raised their kids. It is your turn. If you are not comfortable with having your daughter sleep over then don't let her. As for your FIL and his "depression" I might call it a temper tantrum. That is what I call a child pouting when he doesn't get his way. Both of my sisters have left their kids over night repeatedly with my parents and I have in 12 years done it twice out of necessity. You're the parents decide what you think is best. I am sure that your MIL and FIL would not want the treatment they are giving you.
Don't feel guilty. My husband and I feel the same way and all of our relatives live within 25 minutes of our home. I agree that more time would have been needed, and you would need more time than 5 minutes notice to teach your 4-year-old rules about sleepovers, even at the homes of relatives.
i'm thinking they maybe just dont think you want them left there and wether that hurt their feelings because you said no or because they feel you dont trust them is many of the posibilities. if your child stays with them on the whip it wont hurt anything, they dont need pj's or a toothbrush or tomorrows set of clothes...this is supposed to be fun and exciting to stay with grandma and grandpa. if you trust their care then let them stay and see how it goes. drop them off early and go to some stores or a movie nearby then if they havent called to come home yet head home but tell grandma that if they want to keep them they will have to drive them home should the child(ren) not want to stay the rest of the night.
If I were in your position, I would be so happy that a grandparent wanted to be so involved. Unless your child was crying that she didn't want to stay, I would have just gone with the flow!
One of the best decisions we ever made as a family was our move to this area so that we would be close to my parents. We have three kids and the two girls have been doing sleepovers with friends and the grandparents since 3 years old. My son doesn't have the close friends that my daughters have so being able to have sleepovers with his grandparents or aunt has been a godsend. In this way, he doesn't feel left out and we feel totally comfortable about where he is sleeping. There is a lot of great quality time that comes from spending time with grandparents but you must feel good about the decision. I don't know your situation but I would encourage you to consider beginning to take the kids to the grandparents house and begin to get them used to being in their house without you. You never know if there will be some sort of emergency and the grandparents may have to watch your kids. It is much better to have the kids used to spending time with them without you than not. Good luck with your decision. Take it slowly and you will be amazed at how the kids will blossom by spending time with the grandparents!!
i totally get being annoyed at the last minute request and going to your daughter instead of you. that can be fixed easily enough with a brief courteous conversation with your in-laws. the bigger question is sleeping over at all. if you don't do it, you don't, and there's no discussion. you don't have to justify anything.
but it sounds as if you're not sure about it. personally i adored my time alone with my grandparents. there's a dynamic that changes when you're alone with them without your parents around that has nothing to do with love for parents. it's very precious, and i hope you let your kids experience it.
when i have grandkids i'm SO looking forward to my time with them. if my kids deny me that i'll probably be right there in bed with your FIL.
so to speak.
;)
khairete
suz
I think it is alone time they want plus something more, developing a special unique relationship. We are fortunate to live about an hour from both my parents and in laws. I have a 5 and almost 3 year old. They have had sleep overs since less than a year old. The grandparents love being the caretakers: feeding, baths, sleep, breakfast, planning special activities, etc. When the parents are there it is different somehow. You and your husband may enjoy a night out more than you expect. I think it would be worth the try.
I understand being annoyed about the whole last minute thing but I think as a family you should set down and talk about the whole thing. I have two boys ages 6 and 3 and they love staying at grandma and grandpa's house. My parents live two hours away so when my kids decide to have a sleepover we usually have a half way point where we meet so that neither one of us has to drive the whole way and the whole way back. Another thing my parents have done is they have rented a beach house near us and have let the kids stay with them there so that they are close to home if anything would happen. They did this the first time my youngest stayed with them cause we were not sure how he would do and he was fine. This past weekend he had his first sleepover at their house and he loved it. He did not want to come home. I know as a child I loved going to my grandparents house. I would try and work something out so your daughter can stay over at least one night. Just think these sleepovers would be memories that your daughter will have forever. Life is too short and you never know what could happen. These are just my opionions but the memories I have of my time spent with my grandparents has helped me with the lose of my grandmother and I am 27. Hope this helps.