I am so desperate for any advice from other parents of 10 year old boys. My son is not at all respectful of my discipling him, he doesn't care what I threaten him with. He is afraid if I say I am going to go get dad though. I just don't know what to do to get him to understand that what I say goes. He also says he doesn't care if he fails his classes, although we have treatened punishment and offered incentives to doing well. He will do good one week and the next doesn't care. I guess I would just like to know that there are other moms out there with my problem. I am so frustrated with him now, I know he is smart he loves to read but has a hard time with other subjects. He is happy as long as things are going his way, as soon as that changes he is willful, defiant and stubborn. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Jessica:
You and your husband need to sit down with him together and discuss it. Having a weekly "meeting" works out GREAT for us and our kids (12 and 10). Your hubby and you need to have a united front, set the rules and punish when rules are broken. No exceptions. No "threats" should be involved if the rules are set and consequences given when the rules are broken. Taking away privileges works wonders for our kids. My daughter (12) absolutely HATES it when we take her TV and/or computer rights away -- she tends to stay in line! :)
Also, it sounds like your son is carrying a lot of pent up anger. You may want to try talking to him about that anger or seek a counselor for him. Better to stay on top of it now so he doesn't become a very out-of-control teenager.
Good luck!
Hi!
I would seriously consider having him evaluated, just to be sure that there isn't some underlying problem. He may be able to get more help in school if they find he has some sort of issue, and you would be able to learn how to better handle his behavior problems at home, though they may diminish over time if he gets help.
I have 2 boys that have similair issues and have been diagnosed with specific problems...after getting help, they are now doing much better and so am I!
I hope this helps you somehow, and good luck either way!!
Jodi
I agree with both peices of advice that you just got. One thing I picked up on in your message is that you "threaten" a number of different punishments. I don't know how well you have followed through with enforcing these chosen punishments, but if you are not following through with them, then he knows they are empty threats and will not respect you or them. Is his dad better at following through with what he says? The family meeting will help you not only be united, but to also come up with meaningful consequences. The rules and consequences have to be of value to him or they won't be effective- no matter how well you follow through. And keep in mind that if you haven't been consistent with him up till now, and that begins to change, he will rebel more before it gets better in order to test whether or not you mean what you say. Stay patient with him (and yourself) because in the long run, you will be doing him a favor even though he won't be happy about it right now.
Jessica,
I feel your parental pain so to speak. I have three kids, two of which are boys ages 15 and 9. Being 10 is a difficult developmental stage, there's a lot happening in that brain of theirs. I have a number of resources for you to help you get through this.
The first resource is for both you and your son. It's a website based on the theory of multiple intelligences. Your son can take a fun and easy online test that will show both of you where his talents and gifts are. This might open a little window of understanding for both of you once you see where his natural abilities lie. After he takes it, have everyone in your family take it. Here's a link to the website where you can take the test http://www.bgfl.org/bgfl/custom/resources_ftp/client_ftp/ks3/ict/multiple_int/index.htm
The second and third resources are books for you to read. The first one is called, "The Wonder of Boys." The author is Michael Gurian. This phenomenal book will help you understand how to parent into the male culture. You, as a woman, are in a completely different culture and can get frustrated trying to parent and guide him from outside his own culture. The second book is called, "No: Why kids of all ages need to hear it and ways parents can say it." The author is a local U of M professor, David Walsh. This book will give you some practical ways to discipline.
The last, and best, resource I want to share with you is Tina Feigal. Tina is a local parenting coach. She is Kare 11's parenting expert and an author. Tina's website is www.NuturedHeart.com and she is the founder of the Center for the Challenging Child. I know Tina personally and highly recommend her.
Hang in there Mom, I know you can do this. Parenting is tough but you're not alone. Continue to reach out for help, build your parent community and learn from others and the experts. Best of luck to you!
Taiha
Hi Jessica,
I also have a 10 year old son who is sometimes disrepectful of my disciplining him. What has worked for me is taking all the emotion out of it. I don't let him see me getting upset by his rudeness and as hard as it is I try not to raise my voice and just matter-of-factly start to take away priviledges..."Ok, you will not be having screen time today." The end. There is nothing more said or discussed. If the behavior contiunes, there are more consequences. The book that I read early on was "One, Two, Three, Magic". It has helped tremendously with behavior issues with all of my children and seems to be the most effective and "nicest" way to discipline and get results (at least for our family) I think Washburn Library actually has a video of it. It might be worth checking out. We also did some counseling with a wonderful child therapist which helped alot with my son's ability to control himself and manage anger and just things that were troubling him. It was very low key and helpful. I think this age is hard, especially today. The best thing I've found is to stay out of the agrument mode and keep calm and confident and follow through. I usually give a warning or two and that's it. The discussion ends and there is a consequence. Good Luck.
Jessica
I've recently read Boys Adrift and Why Gender Matters by Dr. Leonard Sax and they've given me a lot of insight into how to work with my son and how to make choices for his schooling, etc. He's only 5, but I think there some things stay the same regardless of age. Both would be worth checking out - I think that we (moms) tend to expect our sons brains to work the same way ours do.
Follow-through is the biggest thing that will make any discipline strategy work but it's not easy. I found myself in the same place yesterday - I was threatening and not getting the desired result, and then I realized I just needed to give up on getting cooperation and enforce the consequence. I was being just as willful and defiant as my son was by holding out for his cooperation!
I used to be a teacher before becoming a SAHM and disciplining can be a very difficult thing to do. From my experience I learned that telling children expectations often works really well and threats usually mean nothing. Kids know if you really mean what you say or if it's an empty threat. Tell him in 2-3 step directions what you expect of him. If he does everything then he reaps these rewards, however, if he fails to do it then these are his consequences and you must follow through. And, this is the most important thing, don't argue with him. You are the parent and he needs to know that. If he tries to argue then tell him it is not up for discussion and end it right there. Don't get trapped into his battle that he will start. If you do, then you have lost control and he wins again. Also, don't worry if he doesn't like you because you are setting rules and boundaries. Someone told me that around this age if your kid doesn't like you then you are doing your job. If he likes then you are not being a parent. Our job is to teach and to lead not to be a friend.
Jessica,
I can relate to your problem, although mine is with a 9 year old daughter. She loves to read and when applies herself does very well in school - she too doesn't really seem to care if her grades fall, but hates to see disappointment. Discipline is also an issue for me, but never for her Dad - I have always followed through with every threat I have ever made - I just think there is something a little more scary or intimidating in a Dad's voice. It's nice to know there are others going through the same problems. I will be reading a couple of the books listed - thanks to those who have posted titles, I have also read "The Wonder of Boys", I think this is a must have for any mother of a son!! Keep your head up mama, this too will pass!!
Jessica,
Another great book is,"How to Behave So Your Children Will Too" by Sal Severe. It is really about sticking by what you say to your kids, as well as, being more aware of how you react to things. It has helped alot in our house....It also helped me to understand that explaing to your children on a regular basis that they have a choice in how they behave, however, they also will deal with the consequences of that choice, is powerful and empowering, even to a four year old.
Hi Jessica,
you may also read up on ODD. My grandson is a real handfull and I was reading up on this this morning.
Gayle
Take a look at Parenting with Love and Logic. This program takes the responsibility away from you and places in your child making them accountable for their own actions, so you can stop being the "mean mom". I love the DVD's and books they put out. There is also a website. Hope this helps.
I'm a mother of 4 kids. One boy, three girls. My oldest is 31 and my youngest is 18.
In my years of child rearing, I found that the key to good behavior is consistency. If you make a rule, make them follow it ... all the time. No 'well, maybe just this time'. Also, as everyone else said, follow through. Don't make threats you aren't willing to live up to. Threats are, in essence, promises. 'If you do this, I'll do that.' If you don't follow through, you are breaking a promise. I have gone so far as to say, "I told you that if you did that, I'd have to punish you. I can't break a promise." Kids crave guidelines. It proves your love for them. Even though they sometimes don't like the punishment(and they would never admit they like rules) , they will love you even more, because you cared enough to enforce the rule and.... keep your promise. When he is grown, it will make you so proud to see him using the same thing with his own kids. I see my daughter raising her kids the way she was raised. She gets comments all the time, about how well behaved her children are. These growing up years are so short. Make them pleasant.. be consistant and follow through. Good Luck mom!
Hi Jess,
First of all, I think your problem is the constant threats. NO MORE THREATENING. But if you do threatened to do something, DO IT. If you don't, you're sending the wrong msg to your son. He will not respect you. Do not tell him you're calling his dad. You need to make sure that he learns to respect you w/out "I'LL CALL YOUR DAD" ThREATS.
Also I don't believe in incentives. You're sending another wrong msg. What do you think is going to happen if you don't offer an incentive? The day you don't pay, THAT'S IT. He's done listening, he will not deliver. No more incentives. As doctor Phil once said to a mom facing the same problem as you "TOTALLY Stripped his room of all those goodies he has and we'll see then. As he starts to listen more you'll put back one goodie at a time. Very s lo w l y...
The thing here is that he needs to earn what he wants. Starting with listening, following the rules and respecting. He's only 10-- he needs to understand that you're the parent.
Can you imagine what would be like later if you don't straightened these issues now...
Also tried to spent more quality time with him. Once a week make it "son and mommy" day, and the following "dad and son" day (find a sitter for your daughter). Don't go a day w/out saying "I LOVE YOU" these three little words are so very imporatnt to a child. They need to hear this everyday.
Have you ever watch Suppernanny. Watch.
Good Luck,
Luisa ;-)
P.S. May the lord bless your family.
Regarding the schoolwork - my uncle used a trick with his kids that I thought was exceedingly clever. He made a deal with the kids, for every "A" they got, he would pay them, but for everything less than an "A" the KIDS would have to pay HIM! It motivated those kids like crazy and I plan on using this technique with my kids!
Sylvan learning centers.
Talk to school administrators to see if they've noticed anything going on that might make some sense out of his behavior.
If there's something he'd really like to do, make him earn it and stick by it. Example: my son wanted to do karate. I got him in it, was there on the sidelines and saw what was said, how he did, etc. I used those on him at home. Disruptive in class, push-ups. Disrespectful in class, push-ups. I started implementing push-ups. It's a positive discipline issue. It's a time out, per se, but the physical part of it will benefit him. If he can't do it at home, don't take him to class.
For instance.
First off, threats DON'T work. Stop talking and act. As soon as he misbehaves take away a privilege. Then DON'T say anything else. Don't argue about it. Just do it and walk away. You end the power struggle.
Great advice you have received. But if you have trouble following it, seek professional help. I was in the same boat, and I knew what I SHOULD do but my son's manipulation was too strong for me to resist. I'm a person who hates conflict, and oppositional kids love it! I couldn't cope. So I took my son to a psychologist who specializes in this area.
Look at a book called "Try and Make Me." The author of it is the local psychologist who helped me and my son.
Hi Jessica -
I did not read all the replies, so you might have already received the same recommendation from another mother, however I wnated to send it just in case. Their is a book called "Setting Limits With Your Strong Willed Child", and it is VERY helpful. It is especially helpful since it helps us as parents to strong willed children to learn how to interact with them to get them to listen/comply. It is not so easy becasue as you already said, it's us as the parent that also need help dealing w/our issues (temper, patiences, etc.).
I'd suggest getting the book and reading chapters 6 & 10 right away. Both are short and very to the point of helping us parents better deal w/our children!
Best of luck!
I know you have already responded, but I figured I'd still put in my two cents. Watch a little Supernanny if you havent. In problem kids she takes away everything the kid owns- EVERYTHING. Every wall decoration, their pillow (get to keep blankets, cant be TOO cruel, lol)every toy, every game, every privilege. Then they have to earn everything back. My neighbor did this method with her 8 year old girl and the effect was amazing. It was a serious lesson in everything her parents gave her everyday and it was their RIGHT as parents to take it all away again. After she had earned everything back (which took a while!) all they had to do was take one tiny thing away from her and she was reminded very clearly of what could happen again if she didnt shape up. Also, someone said never to threaten. A good point. Just act. He's old enough to remember what consequences his actions will cause without your warning.
As for the grades, someone mentioned what my parents did with me. My parents tried everything to get me to care. I was a smart kid who just had to pay attention a little bit to get A's. But I didnt see how important it was, being a stupid kid, and didnt try. So they paid me. I became an honor roll student immediately. Everyone says you cant pay for grades, and you shouldnt- unless there are equal consequences to bad grades. I got paid for grade increases, quarter to quarter. So $5 for every B to B+, that type of thing. It could add up very quickly if I worked hard. But if I didnt? It was all subtracted with the possibility of me owing them money. There was a bonus for making the B honor roll, and a much bigger bonus for making the A honor roll or getting some other achievement award. If your kid is motivated by money (and how many arent?) this works very well, take it from me. I went from being a C/D student to a consistent honor roll kid almost overnight.