You're Ugly, You're Ugly and Your Mama Dresses You Funny

I think by 4th grade, my son started caring about his clothes.
Here's a newsflash: Yes, even with "zero tolerance" for bullying, kids still bully. It becomes about not getting caught.
Like every other "against the rules" thing in life.

Have you ever seen About A Boy?

I can remember when the kids went through this. It's so funny. I let then wear what ever as long as it is weather appropriate. I absolutely laid down the law that it wasn't acceptable if it wasn't right for what was going on outside.

For instance, little girl putting on tights, leggings, shorts, socks, and boots on a 113 degree outside day or wearing a tank top and shorts on an icy day. Inside and at home anything was fine but going to school or outside they had to dress for the weather.

I also go through their closets in the spring and the fall and put off season clothes out of their reach so they really didn't have that option.

When mine was old enough to express a preference, I let her pick her own clothes. My only requirement was that they be weather appropriate.
And if that meant that she wore a Ramones t-shirt with a tutu and cowboy boots to church, then so be it.

LOL my daughter and two of my sons are excellent dressers and take pride in selecting nice clothes and putting together stylish outfits. Then there's my 10 year old. Oy. He had a presentation to give yesterday on Ireland so he was wearing a maroon Gaelic Football jersey and paired that with red basketball shorts that are too small and have a stain on them. Really? I had to bluntly tell him that the shorts and shirt clashed and that he needed to change into something else for the bottoms. He decided on black and white plaid cargo shorts.Those didn't match either but it was better than red so it was good enough. He goes out looking like he's wearing clothes from the donation bin on a regular basis. It makes me cringe but his friends are equally un-fashion-conscious so I guess it's fine. My oldest son is constantly trying to give him pointers but he just won't hear it.

Kids are pretty forgiving of each others' style. At the other extreme, my youngest is 8 and while he cares about how he looks, he makes some unusual choices. He has a love of satin vests (the kind you wear with a tux for prom) and bow ties, so he'll wear jeans (blue or colored), a button-up shirt, vest and bow tie to school just on a random day, not a dress-up day. He has a nice collection of regular ties and knows how to tie a half-Windsor knot, so he routinely wears ties to school, sometimes with a short-sleeve dress shirt and shorts. He wears red sneakers and red pants, and manages to pull it off and doesn't get teased. He's also a fan of knit scarves and loves to head out with a long-sleeve tee, a sweater vest and his favorite striped scarf looped in a Parisian knot.

Let him wear what he wants...peer pressure and societal norms will creep in over time and by the time his 5 or 6, he'll care about what other people wear and think and will either own his funky style and get away with it or will dress to conform with his peer group.

My boys have always chosen their clothes, and it's still interesting sometimes at the ages of 10 and 17 (in 3 weeks). We've also had continuing discussions about what colors look good together and other fashion discussions through the years. My youngest has always been interested in how he looks, especially how his hair looks. My oldest didn't really care until girls entered the picture. Both of my boys are pretty confident in who they are, and that helps as far as dealing with others' opinions.

Last Friday, my oldest wore silk suit pajamas to school (made popular on "Where I Met Your Mother"). I think it's ridiculous, but he pulls off wearing them well. Other students love it when he wears them, and even teachers seem to get a kick out of it.

My youngest is in a skinny jeans and flannel shirt over a t-shirt phase. What 10 year old wears skinny jeans? He looks good, though, like a mini-hipster. He also loves hats.

I love that they are - themselves.

No, do not "guide" him on this. And depending on where you live, and what school your kid goes to, he might not ever experience teasing about how he dresses. We live in a pretty alternative area and unique styles/looks are common among kids, and no one is teased for it.

Yes, kids are allowed to tease. Kids can endure a certain amount of "teasing." Zero tolerance can be taken too far.

Your son has a unique personality. It's cool - don't squelch it.

Not sure for all kids, but my daughter started around 5 or 6 with clothes she just refused to wear.

I let her pick out most of her stuff but she knows if I don't approve she's not getting it. She has always been pretty good about matching as well so I am not sure if that was learned or natural.

I think anyone that has children can tell when a child dresses themselves and it is something all kids should do. It helps to teach them (when someone pokes fun) and lets them express themselves.

PS: I don't see all teasing/poking fun as bullying. Kids need to learn how to deal with stuff like this and get thick skinned as long as it doesn't go too far.

Don't overthink it. Please.
It's clothes. My son's only limits are no seriously unseasonable clothing (no shorts in winter, no turtlenecks in summer sort of thing) and no dirty/stained clothes for school. Those live in the playclothes drawer. Otherwise, I don't get him anything that he can't wear and which doesn't suit the school dress code.

Kids are going to tease each other. We can't shield them from this, really, unless we are the one dressing them outlandishly or not providing age-appropriate clothing. I cannot-- and refuse to- micromanage my son's world in this way. If you wear something crazy and someone says something, okay. Take it for what it is. One person's opinion. If it makes you uncomfortable, then reconsider what you are wearing. If not, go for whatever makes you happy.

Let them choose. Any age can tease. I suggest that children learn best when peers give feedback. My daughter and now my granddaughter had/have specific styles which I sometimes don't agree with. I let them dress however they want even if their choices are inappropriate for school as outlined by the rules.

Kids need to try out different ways to express themselves. Through clothing. If I knew that they weren't following the rules I gently reminded them. Neither girl was ever sent home. One time my daughter did have to change in something from the school closet. She learned a lesson and paid more attention to the rules. Experience with natural consequences is a better teacher than Mom's control.

In the lower grades kids don't care so much about looking right. They put together odd combinations and rarely would a classmate comment. Dressing to adult standards is not important. Wearing what they choose is important.

Btw. Teasing ias you descibed it is not bullying. Bullying has to include intimidation and fear about safety. The words you cited is not bullying.

I think your son was dressed OK. As an adult I would comment to him about how creative he is and that I liked the way he dressed.

i sure hope we never take 'zero tolerance' (a ridiculous term) to such degrees that kids are not allowed to express themselves at all. one kid telling another 'you look goofy' is NOT bullying.
peer pressure takes a bad rap, and often rightly so, but it has a place and a necessity. if kids never experience displeasure or censure from other kids, they don't learn how to get along in a crowd, and however much we all want our kids to be strong individuals, getting along with others is a hugely important skill. and it's one that parents can't impose from the outside.
the most i'd do with this quirky and eclectic young fashion rogue is to say 'wow! you are going to make some waves today! you ready for it?'
my boys were SO laissez-faire about their clothes, this really didn't come up much for me. but we did go through phases where there were mohawks, blue hair, cowboy boots (and no other footwear), or capes.
let him rock it!
khairete
S.

I let my kid wear what he wanted to wear, as long as he was dressed for the weather and with some restrictions for special events. I think it's important to emphasize their individuality if someone criticizes them. "Oh we don't always dress like the kids in commercials" or "We like to be real individuals and creative types." You can also prep them a little by giving them these responses if they are going off to school in clothes that will invite comments. With adults, I just say, "Gee, kids get so much pressure in their teen years about their looks, do we have to start now?" I think that's the biggest problem - fashion pressure, body image issues, and all that are a huge problem, as well as an expense pushed on us by the manufacturers. It happens with toys and cars too. Buy buy buy.

I think you can gently say, "These pants look nice with that shirt. See how they both have blue in them?" But I didn't push it. My kid was color blind so he started with all black by about age 7, which was fine by me.

Children are children and they speak their mind unfiltered. Yes if you dress your son like this he will get teased by his peers. Children often do what they are not allowed to do because they test boundaries.

I know your son is very young. If you want to dress him like you described above that's great but I wouldn't let him leave the house like that.

All people will make a judgment based on what you look like it is unavoidable but it is always important to put your best foot forward.

Such a good question! It so depends on the kid. Some kids are aware of wanting to dress like the other kids in preschool. My daughter was one of those - she had a phase of only wearing dresses, another of never wearing dresses, wanting to wear certain favorites (dont' we all have those items of clothing?). And when my husband dressed her in the morning (if I had an early appointment or soemthing) I never knew what she'd look like when I picked her up. My son had a phase of only wearing sweat pants and never a shirt with buttons. But for the most part I'd let them wear stripes with flowers or winter with summer, glittery shoes with sweatpants, etc.

As for the teasing - it begins around 3-4 grade. In 4th grade my daughter came home from school and asked if we could shop for her clothes in the mall and not at Target. Apparently it was a big discussion at recess - and since we don't shop at Abercrombie the "cool" kids were making her feel insecure about her Target attire. Same thing with "Uggs" and at one point Coach sneakers. Really? We never succumbed however. My kids are tall and they went through a size of clothing every season and only one or two years in each of their lives were they able to wear clothing from the year before. I was not going to spend $120 on boots she'd wear for one winter. We got Kirkland equivalent boots for $40.

My son was another story. His older sister told him he couldn't wear sweats to school every day in middle school or he'd be made fun of. So he'd wear them only on gym days but he still didn't really care until recently. There was a magical change for him right around age 15. Now he spends his money on clothing and shoes. He never wears sweats to school - he often wears khakis or nice corderoys, almost always shirts with collars, etc. He likes brand names but I'm teaching him how to shop for discounts. he likes Marshalls - and knows how to look for coupons for Macys.

But I have to say , when I see little kids wearing outlandish outfits I know they have a good mother who is encouraging their creativity. I wish I had been a little more free about that when my kids were little.

I let my kids choose what they wanted to wear out of clothing that I had purchased. I bought a lot of mix and match things so they would start to recognize what went and did not go together. I would not have let my son go out in the outfit you describe except perhaps on a dress like a clown day. sorry but it sounds like a costume. My cousin let her daughter dress how she wanted always. and I was both amazed and annoyed that my cousin thought it was ok for her kid to go to school in a Halloween costume in February etc. That kind of costume is to garner attention. It takes away from a teachers ability to keep the class on track etc. So I guess I was guided by peer pressure as I never wanted my kids made fun of. And the outfit you describe will have kids talking about him by kindergarten and as he gets older will be remembered as that kid who dressed weird. At least in our area. And while they may not be allowed and may not do it in front of a teacher believe me they will be doing it.

My older son was three and over at the neighbours having a water fight in the back yard. His pants were soaked so the neighbour gave him a pair of her grandsons to wear. They were red and had some sort of puppy print on them. Quite awful. The first thing my little guy said when he got in the door was "get me out of these ridiculous pants!" (He has always been quite articulate and had great fashion sense.) My younger son wore his underwear backwards for about two years (from age 3-5) because he wanted the Superhero on the front where he could see him and not on the back.:)

I always help my dd with clothing choices....I had my dd when I was much older and I grew up in the era when we had to be neat and clean to go to school, we had to wear dresses and boys always had shirts tucked in, etc.
I always make sure my kid has matching clothes, appropriate for the weather. If she wants to dress funny at home or on weekends..no problem. But why subject her to teasing? I think it is part of a parents job to guide kids through these choices. I still feel that kids should dress respectfully for school

I would guide him in his choices for clothes to wear to school as kids can
be mean.
It starts early & can follow a child.
I would let your dear child wear what he wants at home but no to school.

The world can be a mean place but we can do our best to lead & help
our kids. I've seen mean things on the playground when I volunteer.
You can tell the kids (they're older) that follow their parents' lead.

Let him dress up how he wants at home but lead him/lay out clothes for
him to choose from so he can start off on the right foot.

My DS has always dressed by just pulling out whatever is on top in the pants drawer and shirt drawer. Sometimes it matches, other times not so much.

in preschool, I always let him choose. Once he got to K, I would give him a little guidance if the pants and shirt really didn't match. At first I wasn't going to but I'll be honest, I overheard some other kids at the bus stop making fun of a kid at school because of how he dressed, and I didn't want DS to be that kid.

I would like to comment that if my DS had a strong preference, I would let him stand his ground if he wanted to wear that item. But in his case, it's really a total lack of interest in clothes that results in his outfits.

(sure, there is zero tolerance/no bullying in theory, but no one can control what kids say to each other all day on the bus, at recess, etc. And unkind words aren't necessarily bullying)

While I did show my boys outfits that looked nice together, colors that coordinated, and helped them to understand the difference between dress clothes, school clothes and play clothes, I did pretty much leave their fashion choices to them. They've done just fine.

We do have a couple of rules: No wearing visibly dirty clothes unless it's for play, and no leaving the house in pajamas unless it's pajama day at school.

Now, all that said, regarding your sweet son's outfit: While it might be cute in preschool, such a "loud" outfit would be a distraction in grade school. So, in teaching him all of the above, I'd also talk with him about moderating his look for school a bit. Perhaps just the rugby shirt, jeans and crucifix, and then he could put on the other stuff to wear at home.

Making fun and teasing can start anytime. But I wouldn't make that the reason for modifying or moderating his style.

My son (6 in 1st grade) wore the traditional Indian (from India) garb my ex sent him from a trip to India to school last week. We're talking long 'kurti' cotton shirt to knees (like a dress) over cotton pants. Yes, he looked "Muslim", in our hillbilly racist Obama hatin' town. I told him some kids might make fun of him for wearing a "dress" and some teachers may not understand why he is wearing that and might think he's a different religion, but he didn't care. There was a fire drill that day and he was out in it with no coat for the whole school to see..

I asked him how it went when he got home. He said he'll never wear that again. :)