(This is a sort of complicated situation, so please bear with me. I'll try to boil it down to essential details. But if you have questions, please ask and I'll reply in the So What Happened.)
My husband's niece is getting married this weekend.
1. October -- she sent out an email "save the date" announcement to my hubby's extended family. He's one of 12 adult kids, so it went to a ton of aunts/uncles/cousins etc.
2. October -- A couple days later she emailed the same list to let folks know there was a huge airfare sale that folks traveling to the wedding might want to take advantage of.
3. December -- Her parents (my husband's sister and brother-in-law) sent us an Christmas card-type announcement. It had pictures of the couple and the date and the location of the ceremony but no other details.
That was it for communication. We did not receive a wedding invitation.
Other info that may or may not matter:
Niece, her fiance and my brother-in-law are of a different religion from everyone in my husband's family. Non-members are not allowed in the place where the actual ceremony will be -- including the mother of the bride.
My husband's family is going through a rough time. The 12 siblings have fractured into two main groups and some are not talking to one another -- very ugly.
My husband is close to the mom of the bride-to-be.
We knew in October we would not be traveling to the wedding.
So -- my husband spoke with his sister last week saying we would not be there for whatever festivities were available to non-members. (Which we still don't know what they are!) She was completely understanding about our not traveling and suggested we send a card.
What would you do? Hubby is leaning toward sending a card. I lean toward making a donation in their name. Ultimately it's hubby's call, but I'd love some perspective.
Thanks in advance!
To try to address some of your questions:
1. The Christmas card we got was definitely NOT an invitation. It just said "our daughter will be married on this date." It didn't have a time, directions, information about a reception or rehearsal, etc.
2. The groom's mother sent out invitations. We did not get one.
3. My husband is not close to his niece (but he is close to her mom -- my husband's sister.)
4. The donation idea was from a past experience with this family. We used to do holiday gift exchanges with them, but two years ago they said they would prefer not to do that and instead suggested we make donations in their name.
InMy30sAlready articulated exactly how I feel -- thank you for expressing this much better than I obviously did!
And yes, the niece/fiance are Mormons and we are not. I didn't want to name the religion because I didn't want to bash a group, but knowing that may provide a clearer picture of the confusion over "you're invited/not invited" thing...)
*****
Decision: We'll be sending the couple a small gift certificate and a card. Thanks all!
I would only send a card. I am kind of appalled at this major breach in etiquette on their part. Sending save the date type of announcements and not an invitation clearly stating festivities is very, very poor manners.
Being of a religion that excludes non members shouldn't be an excuse to be even more rude.
You are very gracious. I feel for the bride's mother most of all. :(
Send them a gift. I'm having a hard time understanding what you're getting at. Regardless of whether or not you were invited to the wedding, you want to congratulate her on her marriage, do you not? One normally does that with a gift, correct?
Send them a gift.
I am LDS. I did have a temple wedding. I also had a reception-not to get gifts but to share my happiness with those that could not go to the actual ceremony. The temple is sacred to us so no, non-members are not allowed-not even for a wedding, That said, I don't understand why you didn't get a inivitation for at least the reception. (I am assuming they planned one.) It was rude. BTW, the only "festvities" not available to non-members is just the ceremony.
I would just send a card. Maybe a small gift card included if you can afford it.
If it were me, I would just send a gift, especially if they are a young couple and probably not established as far as housewares are concerned. If they are an old(er) couple a card should suffice b/c they are probably already well established as far as housewares are concerned. But like others have mentioned, it's husbands family, so I would let him make the final decision.
Easy answer: Did you get a real invitation with a real wedding registry? If not, then don't feel bad about the decision you end up making!
Maybe husband should just send his sister a card saying 'Congrats to the Mother of the Bride'? Since you seem to be most concerned about not hurting his sisters feelings.
The fact that non-members are not allowed in to watch the ceremony screams LDS and a temple wedding, to me anyway. If I am correct, it is odd to 'kinda' get an invitation, which is how it sounds to me. The groom's mother sent out the invitations probably only to 'members'. If I were you, I would be un-sure what to send as well...b/c they want you to know they are getting married but 'sorry, you are not 'righteous enough' to actually attend our wedding ceremony, which is just so blech! IMHO, that is. How some people can feel good about getting married somewhere that doesn't even allow the brides own mother to attend is beyond me....just SO BLECH!!!
~Hope I didn't offend any LDS members, it's just my opinion and how I feel about the whole 'temple' weddings. I have known more than my fair share of Mormons and the trend is usually to have a Temple wedding (that only the 'righteous' attend) and then they send out real invitations to a smaller ceremony or just a reception for all the 'other' people in their lives....as to make sure they still get all their 'gifts'!
I am from the deep South so etiquette really matters to me. In this case, I would be HORRIBLY offended if I got a "Save the Date" and information on the time and date of the location of the wedding yet was not actually invited to the wedding.
Practicing a religion is NOT a cause to be outwardly rude and inconsiderate of your family. I could understand if they only sent the Save the Date information and other stuff to the members that were invited...THAT would make sense. For those that were not invited, the right way to do this would be to send a wedding announcement after the marriage takes place.
If I were inclined to be charitable, I might send a card with a gift card in it. I'd have to reach down deep in my heart to do that after being treated so badly by this bride.
A card and modest gift. Why not??
I understand the gift in their name for a funeral but for a wedding for a young couple getting married a gift of a more tangible kind would be more in line. Why would you not want to send a gift? I understand the not being able to afford airfare, hotel etc. But a family members wedding whether you are able to attend or not calls for at the very least a card. and if possible whatever type of gift you are able to give.
If you were "eligible" to attend the ceremony bit couldn't attend, would you send a gift? Of course you would!
In their way they were letting you know a life event in your nieces life.
I can't imagine NOT sending a gift to my niece.
Why in earth would you do a donation?
At the very least, 2 wrongs don'take a right.
I think I would send a card and a modest gift of some type . . . are they registered anywhere? Can your husband find out?
I'm not saying you have to do that, or that's it's socially expected . . . it's just what I would do with my own niece, even if I technically was not invited.
It's strange that they sent out a save the date and another announcement, but not an actual invitation! Wow!
I agree that I'd do a normal wedding thing like send a card, check, gift, something from their registry...etc. If they are not registered then go with cash money, but I think a gift is in order.
I agree with Everley...Send a gift. A little thought goes a long way!
I don't think you can ever go wrong by sending a gift. If it's within your means, send one. If it's not, send a card.
Why would you make a donation in their name? Did they request that?
Sorry, but I don't understand your question. If you have a relationship with her (bride)/them (couple) and want to send a gift or wish them well, then do it. You say that it's your hubby's call, so let him make the call.
Are you sure the card sent in December wasn't the invitation? Anyway, stay out of the politics and fighting. The couple is family and they are getting married. Whatever you would do with any other couple in the family who you were invited to the wedding and couldn't go, that's what I would do for them.
This is not about a lack of etiquette, it is their religion. The family shouldn't be divided and not speaking to each other...it is their religion. The family is being dramatic over something that is a given with LDS. You didn't receive an invitation because you CAN'T go in the temple. They kept everyone in the loop without misrepresenting that everyone can go. As unfortunate as it is, her mother knew this would be the case at the temple. Send a gift and support the (I'm assuming young) couple. They shouldn't be punished for their beliefs.
Send the couple a card w/ a gift card or check. Wish them well.
I would send a card and a gift/giftcard. I wouldn't make a donation in their name.
I'd send a card with a check in it.
Husbands family, husbands choice
Make a donation in their name???? Was that on their registry? If no, then never do that.
I don't understand why you are hesitating on sending a gift or gift card? I am thinking the Christmas card was the invitation. Did someone else get a different invitation? I wouldn't make a donation in their name unless that was asked as I am sure they would appreciate a gift like most new couples. I would send a bed, bath or beyond, pier one or target/Walmart type gift card.
Your husband and the bride-to-be are close. Send a gift.
I would either send a card and a check, or send a card and a gift from their registry unless the couple is requesting charity donations in lieu of gifts. I wouldn't presume to make a charity donation in their name when a couple is getting married. I would have been very disappointed, and I'm not a gift-grabber by any means.
I think I'd try to look at it outside of the ceremony and the politics of the family fight and look at how hubby feels about his sister and his niece. If he wants to send a gift, I think that would be totally appropriate, although not required. I think the official rules of ettiquette require a handwitten note to the couple expressing congratulations, so at minimum a card should be sent. If you wish to make a donation in their name, send a card letting them know of the donation. Howver, if you do make a donation, be sure to do it a charity that means something to them through some kind of a connection or interest that they have. You didn't mention if the couple's ages or if they are just starting out. I think I might be more inclined to send a gift (monetary or otherwise) if just starting out. If they are older, estabished or living together for years, I'd probably be more inclined to send a letter of heartfelt congratulations.
Mormon?
If they are a youngish couple a card, and a gift of some sorts. If they are older and fairly established a donation in their name would be a sweet gesture.
Uhm...what good is a "donation in their name" to a young couple just starting out?
I'd send a card with a gift card to Lowe's or Sears in it. Something they can actually USE to feather their nest.
Mormon-perhaps?
Send them something from their registry-if they have one-or send them a check. I'm glad to hear that your husband is close to his sister. It is your niece-you should send her something that you would love to have. Best Wishes!
I would send a gift.
I'd send a card along with a check to help them start off their life together. If you put aside all the family drama it looks like you want to wish your niece and her future hubby well.
Gift card or check with a nice wedding card. Depending on how close you are to her or her parents would determine the amount. Less if you only hear from her at significant life moments, more if there is an ongoing relationship. No matter what religion they are, a wedding deserves to be celebrated, especially in these times when it's so frowned upon. Good luck!
Huh.
MY first thought would be that the invitation got lost in the mail, or there was a clerical error in the piling/stacking/sorting/hand addressing/ mailing.
You got all the OTHER info, except for the invitation... That screams "whoops" to me. ESPECIALLY with 12 aunts/uncles alone.
Add in a religion with a private ceremony and then there are 3 stacks wedding party, ceremony & reception, reception only.
Things get complicated fast.
(A private ceremony is fairly common, actually. Although in this country that's usually LDS or Catholic, I grew up in Asia... And that's very common there, as well as certain orthodox branches of Christianity in the EU & Near East. I'd say about 1/3 of the weddings alive attended have had private ceremonies. Some where the bride/groom just step away to exchange vows for a few moments... In others its actually several hours long... Or even on a different day!!! Take the religion OUT, though, and its about 2/3s of the weddings Ive attended have been reception only. Die to either elopement or geography (hometown or destination wedding). In military marriages its common for the couple to be wed in one place, and then have a reception -or 2! 1 in each hometown- for friends and family to attend.)
Point being... Regardless of whether I didn't have eyes in the couple because of religious reasons, elopement, or geography... Whenever I could attend the reception... Durn straight I was honored to be wanted in attended (and came), and if I couldn't attend... I certainly sent a gift!
But if I didn't receive an invitation... And was expecting one? I'd ring up my contact person and let them know! LOL, happened twice. Once they found a stack if FORTY invitations that had been knocked off the counter behind a chair. Another time it showed up several weeks later tucked in with my mum's invitation (she'd been on vacation), be ause they'd organized by families. Even though she was in WA and I was in the UK.
Send a card and that's it.
I would send a small gift.
My son married a non practicing Mormon and her uncle officiated the ceremony and we had a very good time.
A month later her brother was married in the Temple but there was a reception afterwards that non members attended.
It depends on the family and how into the religion they are.
Do as you wish and be happy with your decision.
The other S.
Sounds like they are clueless about etiquette. I would send a gift card maybe $50.
So did they actually invite you to the wedding? This whole thing sounds really strange. Send a card with $20 inside. You dont even have to do that since you didnt even get an invitation to the wedding.
This is a wedding to celebrate the establishment of a new family. This isn't a birthday, or Christmas, or some other present giving event where Janie might get something she already has 2 of in the back closet. Where the request of a donation somewhere makes more sense then trying to deal with more stuff.
I would either send them a $20 - 50 gift card to Bed, Bath & Beyond or Target. If you know that they have a wedding registry somewhere, you could also send a gift from that.
I'd send a card with some money. New couples starting out always appreciate that, whether it's for their honeymoon travels or trying to furnish a new home that is "theirs". If a check feels impersonal to you do a gift card, in a nice Wedding Wishes type greeting card.
InMy30's may be on to something. Maybe the reception for everyone else is forthcoming. Maybe.
So the niece has your email address and you have hers, why don't you send her a little note and ask what the plans are.
Once you know where and when you are going or when "your" invitation is, you can send your gift.
I wouldn't bother to shop though...send them a Target' card.
Send a card with either a check or giftcard in it.
According to Miss Manners (I love her column), you should send a letter or a card wishing them happiness. A gift is not required.
OK...I'd send a card and maybe a gift card ($20 or so) to Targets....However, I find it odd (to say the least) that after all the "save the date" notification that there is no invitation to anything, be it the ceremony(I'm not very familiar with the Mormon faith) or a reception of sorts...Even if it was known that you would not be travelling an invite would still have been appropriate.
I would agree that a card with best wishes would be appropriate. I don't think a gift is necessary unless it makes you feel better.
