Would You Consider Searching for Your Hubby's Bio Father?

My daughter has no interest in tracking down her biological father (I adopted her from my younger sister). Her best friend from RI feels the same way. To them, family that raised them is their family and they feel both completely happy. So many people have delusions of a wonderful reunification and that usually isn't the case. I'm so thankful my daughter is happy with her life and isn't searching for anything else!!

.

It is your husband's right to search for his father, not yours. Make sure the information is kept safe in the event he changes his mind at some point, but leave it alone.

I do research on my family ancestry all the time, and have uncovered some things I wish I hadn't. That said, IF you persisted and found out his father was dead, a criminal, hadn't abandoned him as he was led to believe (a common occurrence,) was a U.S. senator, etc., how on earth would you be able to keep this to yourself and from your husband? For both your sake's, leave it alone.

And, just so you know, if your husband ever decides to seek information on his biological father, the fact that you have his SS# is a gift from God that will open doors normally locked.

But I repeat, you leave it alone.

I would be curious but I would NEVER search for his bio dad. That is up to him, no one else.
I was a single mom with my first son and I have no info about my son's biological dad except for his name. I would hope that if HE ever wants to find him that HE does the searching, no one else. There is a reason that man has nothing to do with us and there is a reason that his dad has nothing to do with him. If he really wanted to find him he would have been able to.
Let your husband sort out his feeling on finding the paper with his name and number on it, and let your husband be the one to search him out.
I see that you said you would never contact him but you are curious. I understand the curiosity...but it could blow up in your/his face if you look when your husband doesn't want you to or know that you are.
L.

Type is ssdi (social security death index). i believe it is free on ancestry.com
with the social, you can visit us search and do a complete background, with current addresses and names of all people associated with him. It runs about $40, but can be on sale sometimes. I would then let your husband decide what to do with the info.

When I realized my bio dad left us and was dad to someone almost my age, but not us, it was more hurtful than him simply leaving. plus, i found out what a nutjob my M. had been. only he can decide if it is worth it

I, too, would take my husband's direction on this since it is his father. Also, I would lean toward the grandparents having the largest hand in the abandonment since they forced their teenage son to disappear.

I would leave it up to your husband to look if he is interested. (unless there are medical issues with your children),

Yes, I would curious. Personally, no I would not do it. In my opinion it is your husbands choice. This is a personal choice he may not want to know. And he may want to down the road...this is very new for him to have a name a full name. What does he say? Probably hasn't said anything...discuss any expectations he may have. You could be opening a can worms he doesn't want to know about.

With that if he does you should/would totally support him but I think this is his choice.

As for using a SS# you may have to start with a full name...maybe get a PI involved.

Yes, I would look for him, (but would not contact him), the blame is mostly on the grandparents. It's ultimately your husbands decision if he wants to know your findings and initiate contact, but this man has a posterity too that deserve to know who this person is and it would be good to know if he has any health issues that your husband and children should be aware of. I know you can find people using their ss#, plenty of 'people finder' websites, but hard to tell which are scams or not.

this may be helpful, it is from a genuine genealogy researcher:
http://www.ehow.com/video_###-###-####_find-someone-socia...

video transcript:

"Hi, I'm Richard Goms from Salt Lake City, Utah. We're talking now about how to find a person using their Social Security number. There are a number of reasons why you might want to do this. You might have lost track of a family member, you have their Social Security number, you want to track them down. You may have a list of children that you have a list of Social Security numbers for, but you don't know which one belongs to which. Or you may be an employer, ready to hire a person, you want to verify their Social Security number. In order to look up a person who is living by Social Security number, there are a number of websites that will allow you to do this. Most of them charge a fee. However, the United States Social Security website will allow you to look up ten numbers per day as a free service to American citizens. It's a little easier to look up an individual who is deceased. There is a Social Security death index that is available online on many different websites. Familysearch.org is one. Rootsweb is another one. And, you can look up the individual by Social Security number that way. You can then, if you'd like, to get more information you can order the Social Security application from the Social Security Department.

I would be curious too, but I would stay out of this for now. Maybe "put it in your pocket" for later but you need to follow your husband's lead on this. I mean obviously as you know, this is such a sensitive time for him right now. I wouldn't bring it up unless he does first.

I would be curious, but with something so sensitive, I don't think I would do it without talking to my husband first. If you get your husband's approval, you can always contact a private investigator. I know they cost money, but it's better than going to various websites, spending money on searches when you don't know the accuracy.

I would make it clear that I supported him looking for his bio dad if he wanted but not be disappointed if he did not look.

You must understand that his dad could be a homeless guy that is living under a bridge and would make your husband feel guilty if he knew.

It could be that this guy could now want to come to x-mas, birthdays, and really want to know your children but is a complete alcoholic in denial and violent at that!

If the guy was a great guy and has a wonderful family but never made an effort to find his 1st child then what will your husband feel?

Personally I think it opens way too many ?'s and very little closure.

I would not. I would, however, try coaxing my husband into talking about it gently and see where he is at on it. I would let him know that if he ever wanted to find him, I'd be happy to help. I think that's the kind of thing a man would want to do for himself and decide for himself.

I would be curious. But I would not do it. I would leave it up to my husband. I don't think you can track him down with SSN, just find out if he is deceased.

I would encourage my husband to do it, but I would never do it without his consent. My husband was actually in a somewhat similiar situation and found his biological father when he turned 30. The first meeting was so-so and they kept in touch for awhile, but then lost contact for about another 10 years. At approx. age 40, my husband found him again. For the last 8 years they have been slowly developing a relationship and my husband has met and spent time with all of his half siblings. Ironically, his relationship has been getting progressively closer with his bio dad and then bio dad was just diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. We live in different states, but we are trying to stay in touch and get together as much as we can in the time we have left. There are a lot of reasons bio dads abandon their kids, especially when the bio dads are just kids themselves, and although I certainly don't justify it things can work out in the end. My husband has probably been MUCH more forgiving of the situation than I would have been, but his bio dad is a good person who was young and made some mistakes. I've enjoyed getting to know him, although if he were my bio dad I might harbor some resentment. Another irony, although bio dad has three other children our kids are his only grandchildren, at least so far. He is making a real effort to get to know them. Good luck.

I would wait and see if your hubby wants to know these things. I would imagine this is very hard for him, so many mixed emotions. I wouldn't do it without his knowledge.

I think it's ok to look for your own curiosity, but I wouldn't go further than that. Let him if he wants to. My husband hasn't talked to any of his family in over 16 yrs. I'm curious and have tried to look them up, just to see if I could see what they looked like, but I would never try to contact them. That's his deal. Sometimes it's better that there is no contact.

I know most have said they would not look for him. But me being who I am would search. It would then be up to him if you found him to make contact. He may be over whelmed right now with everything being new to him. Because if he was that young it may not have been his choice but his parents to leave. He may have been afraid to find your husband. I have tired to find my son's bio father online with just a name and have no luck. Have not done it to make contact but want to know how hard it will be when he's old enough. when he's old enough I don't think I would try to stop him from finding him. most of me hopes he wont since he has a wonerful daddy that has been there for him since he was 10 months old that has given him his name.

Good luck and God Bless!

This wouldn't be for my husband, but for my first love/fiance...

He found out THIS YEAR at the age of 48 that the man he has been calling "dad" for all of his life is NOT his dad. Unfortunately, his mom isn't sure WHO his biological father is.

To search using a SSN? I believe you would have to prove you are family first - I believe and ask the SS Administration to help you locate the person. You can also do a "google" search on the name as well...You might get a ton of hits if it's a common name. I think you can try "people search" on yahoo...I don't know if it's free anymore.

I'm sorry your husband lost his mom...and you your MIL. Especially so tragically...

I hope you find what you are looking for. If we had more information for my first love, we would search...it might help explain some of the health issues...

GOOD LUCK!!!

My husband's father left his mother when DH was 2 years old and never bothered to have any contact with him since (DH is 44 now). DH has never met him, seen him, heard from him, or had any interaction with him in any way. Coincidentally, several years ago, he did end up getting contacted by half-siblings from his father's side who were able to tell him where he was, show him pictures, etc. So he had the information he needed to get in contact with him but chose not to. He told me that once he turned 18, and his father still had not bothered to be any part of his life at that point, he was done, and was not going to seek him out himself (apparently the man is an alcoholic who managed to father something like 10 kids with 5 different women and because of his alcoholism, does not have much of a relationship with anyone and doesn't really engage or initiate contact with anybody). I've thought about trying to get a hold of him myself, try to make him feel accountable for his actions, but really, it's not up to me. DH wants nothing to do with him and I need to respect that. We live several states away from him so it's not like I expect him to suddenly show up on our door step someday. From the sounds of it, DH didn't really miss out on much. So personally, based on our situation, I wouldn't bother - I would leave it up to your husband to decide if he wants to try to contact him but like others have said, I wouldn't expect some kind of fairy-tale reunion-type happy ending.