So last night I was telling my husband that I cancelled my dinner plans with my friends for tonight (they were meeting too early for me and the kids have an event at school) and I also told him that we normally go out after dinner, to a local bar (not a BAR but a restaurant bar or one of the girls houses that does not have kids running around) for a drink and to just catch up more. I literally go out 4-5 times a year with my friends. And that is my choice. I work full-time, have 3 kids that are in 3 sports and activities, and am working on my MBA. I don't have a lot of time to go out anymore. But my husband got flustered because he didn't remember me telling him I went out after dinner. Mind you one time was June 2009 and the other time was June 2010 - not worth an argument either way!
So I went out on Friday night to a bar with some other girl friends and he made a comment about knowing where I went and what I did. I didn't do ANYTHING. I had 3 drinks in the span of 4 hours and had TONS of water because I was driving. I was not even close to feeling the drinks. So then he told me he knew I wasn't sitting down. Umm, I was. But I didn't like that he was telling me he knew about what I was doing, where I was, who I was with, etc. I just felt like he had people spying on me. He knows WAY too many people, but there was nothing to tell. So after almost 9 years together it was like he doesn't trust me to go out. Granted, he is the one that has done things to cause trust issues, so it just really sent me into a tail spin. I still don't really want to talk to him. I guess I felt like I was attacked for going out when he goes out EVERY week. But I feel like I'm making a bigger deal then necessary too.
Kathleen S - I absolutely do not think it was irresponsible to have a few drinks in 4 hours with tons of water...absolutely not. I made 100% sure I was fine and would never do anything to jeopordize my life or any normality for my family.
Thanks to everyone for the responses. My husband plays darts with his friends once a week in the winter, and softball in the summer, so he has his time out. I enjoy it because it gives me alone time with the kids. As long as it's not excessive, I don't mind it. And I think his comments came more from the information I was not telling than anything else. NOT that I was hiding anything, but he has never been one to offer up tons of information without being asked (since the day I met him) and so it's a habit for me to ask him. So I try to do the same to show him how it feels. Obviously he did not like it. And yes, my good friend was very drunk and getting way too friendly with an old ex of hers...so she was wrong, but I talked to 4-5 of my other girl friends for the night. I know he is not cheating, but I do question a lot of what he does becaue it happened before we were married. So maybe he feels the need to give me the 3rd degree. I don't know. We'll have to work through it, but yes, I was VERY upset.
Sounds like he is feeling guilty about something...Understand it is about him. As long as you have talked about the date, time and place where you'll be when plans are made..he does need to trust you.
When's the next time you're going out? Count me in, sounds like fun!
Try to remember (if you can) he is behaving this way because he loves you and cherishes you and feels threatened by this show of independence. After all, where would he be without you!
Next time INVITE him to GNO (BAHAHAHA) and see what his reaction is. Pssh, like he wants to hang out with a bunch of married women/moms talking about diapers! (And let him believe that IS what you talk about, tehehe)
I guess I would let it slide....my guy gets prickly towards to poor boy baggin' my groceries, ridiculous!
:)
a man will not look under the bed unless he has hidden there himself
..french proverb
sounds to me like your husband has either some trust issues or some mom issues, or both. it also sounds like he may very well have someone watching you. it aint being paranoid, if its true.if he can tell you whether you spent your time out sitting down or standing up, then, yeah, he has someone watching you, probably someone you know and possibly trust.course this also means that he probably having you followed because he is trying to prove to himself that you are doing the very same things he is doing.start asking questions, because something doesnt sound right here.
K. h.
I don't know either of you, and your post was a little confusing, but I would just say that very often the guilty party projects onto the other one. Soo... just sayin'.
And you don't think 3 drinks in four hours when you were driving was irresponsible? That part I would be concerned with as well. With three kids at home you have a whole lot you were putting on the line. You made decisions for all four of the other members of your family that could effect every aspect of their lives. Would you be proud if your children were aware of this? Pointing out his indiscretions in this scenario is not a valid defense for your behavior. Not that it doesn't need to be addressed if it is a concern of yours otherwise.
Sounds like maybe when he goes out - he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing so he is assuming that you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing?? Kind of like when someone is cheating, they start getting paranoid, and assume the other is doing what they are doing. Hopefully that is not the case with your husband, but I think that I might consider having him watched for a couple of weeks to see what is actually going on while he is going out.
Was someone else in your group doing something inappropriate? Maybe whoever was telling him this stuff had you mistaken for someone else? I would probably be bothered if my husband was questioning me in that manner as well. Especially if he is going out on a weekly basis. Why does he go out without you so often? I think that would bother me if my husband was going out to the bars every week without me and doing who knows what. Why can't you guys go together? I know that is really not what your post was about, but that is what sticks out in my mind about the situation. Seems like you need to do more stuff together, so that he will feel secure when you are apart.
I like Karins turn of phrase. The one I always use is - A jealous heart is a guilty heart. This would be a red flag to me to ask .....what have YOU been up to buddy?
Dear Lord-He goes out every week. Really??!! And you go out a couple times a year?? Sorry but he sounds like a major chauvenistic domineering jack a&*. Honestly-you need to TELL him how it is going to be. You are going to go out with your friends and do WHATEVER you please. End Of Story. Don't even entertain any discussion on it. You are a grown woman and 50% of your partnership. He needs to treat you like it. If I were you I would plan another night out soon just because you can.
Oh-and you might want to think about having HIM followed. Seriously.
Sit him down and calmly tell him how he made you feel. And I agree with PP who said guilty people project on others. Maybe there's more going on when he goes out every week.
no he is in the wrong and there is probably something for him to cover people who are screwing aroundtend to do things like this and blame you for what they are doing.
Okay... that is infantile.
To make something so common and normal, seem so suspicious and wrong, for you to do.
Geez.
Every human, goes out.
Moms too.
Women too.
Married or not.
With their friends.
He is insecure.
He has double standards.
This is not the Dark Ages.
He is putting his issues, on you.
He needs to grow up.
You hardly go out.
He shouldn't complain.
I don't think that I would go out with my friends and not tell my husband "the agenda" for the night- whether he asked or not! I have a group of girlfriends that get together 3 or 4 times a year (we also get together as couples) and even if we're just having dinner at someone's house, I would make sure he knew where I was.
What did you tell him about those nights out? Seriously... if you told him you went out with friends and left out the fact that you hung in a bar for a few hours, I can see where he would be upset. Implying that you are having an affair is out-of-line regardless.
BTW- it sounds like you still have time to go out with your girlfriends. If he wants to know where you are, tell him before you leave where you are going and who is going to be there. If you want the same info from him, ask.
This all sounds petty to me and I think there's a huge chunk of information missing... if you two aren't spending enough time alone together, maybe he's upset that you're making time to go out with friends and not home or with him enough?
**For what it's worth, my neighbor's husband started making these accusations too... come to find out he was having a long-term affair and they're now divorced.
Yeah that's weird to have someone question your behavior so intently let alone "movements" like that.... I don't like to be monitored and that would very much upset me.. As for the spying friends, to me... having brought your friends into what is a personal matter between the two of you is something I don't like either... I would have a talk with him.. I don't think you are taking this too far..
sounds like he has some maturing to do..
Sounds like his own guilt talking.
If going out for drinks causes problems in a marriage it can become a huge issue if not addressed immediately.
I'd just have a good sit down with him and reassure him that girls night out is not anything for him to really worry about. Once you convince him you arent out dancing and getting all sloshed he should be okay with it, if he chooses not to be okay then off to counseling you go.
If he just "made a comment" and did not try to control your actions then I'd say this is mostly about his insecurities. And, if he has personally failed YOU in the past then ..... well, he is afraid you are thinking like him.
Calmly talk about it. Tell him how you feel, but if it was just a comment.....yeah, you are probably making a bigger deal than it is. You just have a little baggage and resentment festering. Don't we all for one reason or another?
when you know you can not be trusted you do not trust others ... I would be upset but b/c I wonder what he is doing when I am not looking.
My EX and I had the same kind of relationship... in the END I finally found out Everything he was accusing me of (with nothing to "back him" on it) he WAS ACTUALLY DOING TO ME :-( I also suggest having him followed for a couple weeks. good luck
Definitely. The same thing happened to a friend and he was cheating. Something's going on with him and you need to find out what it is because he's reflecting his emotions onto you. Sorry that happened to you. You deserve a break.
I learned the hardway.....my ex husband accused me of having an affair amoung other things. It was so ludicrous my thoughts were how could he even think that and when where and who? It was just so out there for me. WELL HE was the one having the affair and doing the other things he accused me of. May not be the case here, but if he's so obsessed with this, WHY?
Tell him to shut up... unless he wants to go out as many times you do each year. What a prick! He really has SOME NERVE complaining to you about your occasional nights out without the children when he goes out so much more than you and has actually broken your trust. You know - they say those who cheat are the ones accusing their significant others for it. I hope you have him read these responses!
Would it upset me? Yes.
I would try to find out what he's doing when he's going out. Its not good, you can tell by his reaction. He doesn't trust you because he isn't trust worthy.
