Working Mother Guilt

Hi C., I would love to show you what I am doing; working at home, making more money than I ever would for anyone, no bosses, work in my jamies, no stress, etc. It's a 25 year old company, in 48 countries, most advanced products with patents that cannot be copied. My website is www.fogel.nsedreams.com. I can send you also to look at www.nsoverview.com and www.maxcast.com. I hope you will take a look at these. You can contact me at ###-###-#### or ###-###-####. Leave a message if I don't answer. I'd love to talk to you. M.

I know that not working is truly not an option for some. I thought that was me. Now, looking back, it is amazing how much we had before, and how we are still making it on so much less! I found a job at a Mothers Day Out that pays me for 20 hours a week and my kids go for free. I just had lunch with my 4 yr old - love that. I also do two other jobs on the side that I can fit in to my schedule. We all do what we have to do to make it work.

Your other advice is so right. We all have to do what we do, and we choose our outlook. It is what it is. However, maybe this is the nudge you need to make a life change?

My sister has 4 under 5 and is a full time teacher. She would not have it any other way. I know that she is clear about their family situation and plan, and that gives her peace. We grew up in daycare with two parents working and we still turned out well (it does happen that way - because of our awesome parents, I think!)

Is your lack of peace a heavenly tap on your shoulder to move another direction?

I took that nudge loud and clear while grading papers at midnight after nursing my 4 month old daughter and having to pass her to my husband to burp so I could have every minute possible to grade those research papers - which I spent more time grading than my students spent writing them.

I will pray for your peace. You will still cry, still wonder if this is all there will be in life. But if you have a peace about it, it will all work out. Just don't ignore it if this is your 'aha' moment. Need to vent to someone who is not personally involved? Write me back and let's chat!
:)
L.

I feel the exact same way and started to cry thinking about how aweful it is for us both. I can't help you with any good advice other than to tell you I understand because I live it. Isn't that terrible? I am cursed by my bills and credit card debt, but once that is paid off in hopefully 1 year, I am gone and off to couponing and thrifting and helping kids with homework full time mommy!

for me, staying home has never been an option. First b/c of finances and now b/c of divorce. So it's that whole, "it is what it is... let's make the best of it." So a lot of it is attitude adjustment. That being said, it's perfectly OK to have a bad day... you're human.

As a compromise, I would maybe consider not carpooling on Fridays and working your early schedule so you can start off the weekend with some extra cuddles. I know people who carpool don't necessarily carpool EVERY day, so maybe that's an option.

As your son gets older, he'll be up later, especially with the spring time change coming up.

When I get a good case of mommy guilt, I look for the next opportunity to get involved in his classroom or take some time to do mommy/son only time on the weekend. Just some time to get some extra cuddles.

Or, take a half day off one day and plan an excursion.

the other thing I've always done is take my son's birthday off and spend the whole day with him -- it's a blast and a wonderful tradition for us.

hang in there and don't beat yourself up too much. It's all part of being a mommy. If you didn't feel guilty about working, you would find something else to feel guilty about... it's just a mommy thing. ;)

I didn't read all your responses and my response may be of no help at all, but here are my thoughts. You did not say the reason for going back full time, so I wasn't sure if it was due to finances or other professional reasons (need to keep active in your field of work, etc.).

If it's an option, I would try to consider working part time, or trying to work some from home. If your job is flexible, maybe you can do a couple of days from home. Or, is it possible to no longer carpool and go back to your earlier schedule.

I work part time, only because I have a job where I would lose my technical skills if I did not use them (medical field, physical therapist). I work 2 -3 days a week while my 2 boys go to a mother's day out preschool from 9-2. This has been an ideal situation for our family.

good luck trying to solve the issue!

children of working parents are usually great students, independent, have great social skills, and contribute to their family in numerous ways such as sharing the chores as well as the fun times....they also will leave home knowing how to fend for themselves as long as you don't spoil them due to the mommy guilt.
sleep is important and your time together will be more enjoyable if your child gets enough sleep...
I am sure stay at home moms find plenty to feel guilty about too. :)

I felt the same way you do. I was not able to do anything about it until recently when I left the workforce to stay home. I have 3 kids, and it was not my choice in timing to leave, I was planning on this March, but my daycare closed and I was getting a great deal for my 3 kids. I would suggest, if it really bothers you, talk to your hubby about working from home or being a stay at home mom. Good luck.

Dear C.,
My son (17 months) also goes to daycare, where he started at 5 months, but we call it school. They do projects, they have story time, art, music - it really is like school, and he has a great time. I spend a little time with his teachers when I drop him off/pick him up, if there is time, and he really likes them and his little friends there. I don't consider it "other people raising my kid." The way he reacts when I come to get him shows me he knows who his Mama is, but he is also happy to show me things in his class. If I am able to get him earlier some days, I do. If he is in a great mood at the end of the day, then he'll stay up until after dinner when we do bathtime; if he is cranky, he'll get a second nap around 5 or so, and then he'll get up for dinner and maybe go to bed a little bit later. He is the happiest little boy I know, well-mannered, energetic, funny, and sweet; I've only ever seen his going to school as a positive thing.
One day, your son will go to real school, the hours of which will be pretty close to what he's doing now in daycare, and he'll already be used to being with other kids and learning, so you'll be one step ahead. Plus, since he's been in daycare, you won't have to go through him catching every little cold yet again (bonus!). :) It might make you feel better if you talk to his current teachers a little, see how he's doing, what they're doing during the day, etc. I am happy I have a good rapport with them. I think sometimes leaving our kids at daycare is harder for us than for them; chances are, when you're gone, he's having a great time, learning and playing, and socializing. :) Best of luck to you! :)
-Christina

You'll probably never completely get over the guilt, but take comfort in knowing that at your son's age now (and until he's about 3), he'll never remember you weren't there. I know this may sound somewhat contrary to what we've been conditioned to believe, but he will need you more as he gets older. So right now and for the next couple of years, find your passion and make it work for you or find something you can do at home so that you are in a position to be there with him. Until then, do what you have to do and know you're doing the best you can for him. Like the others said, make every minute with him count. Kids are really pretty easy, as long as they know you love them and they can feel that love, they're happy. Don't beat yourself up!

Have you ever thought about working from home? There are a lot of direct sales companies out there. You own your own business and set your own hours. Of course you don't start making a ton of money immediately you do have to build it. You could start working one while you are still at your current job and then transition. You would need to figure out exactly how much money you would need to make to be able to stay at home first. I was not able to stay at home with my first child so I understand your pain. I do stay at home now with my 3rd. The opportunities abound from wine, make-up, health and nutrition, electricity and on. If you would like to know more about my company with is WineShop at Home you can email me.

Try not to feel guilty about having to work. You are providing for his needs. Love on him when he is home and make the most of your weekends.

M.

I worked full time for the first year of my older daughter's life and what we did was put her to bed around 11:00 at night so we could spend time with her. Once I started working part time my husband was working 4 days a week for 1 hours. He got home after 8:00, so this also gave him time with her. It might be hard to implement at his age, but it gave us a lot of time with her. At 1 she was taking 2 good naps a day.

Yes, I had guilt in the beginning leaving my newly adopted 6 week old at the child care center but I soon got over it. When my son was in child care, companies did not want to hire moms with kids because of childcare issues - no babysitter showing up and things - so I chose a center near home that was more like a school. He attended three years and learned many social skills and even some Spanish. We had a set routine of time to leave in morning and pick up time after work. You may have to learn to compartmentalize your life - when you are at work you are at work; when you are at home you are at home - this is what a man does. He doesn't worry about what's for dinner all day long and neither should you. Grab a crockpot and go for it this would give you more time in the evening with your baby. I, too, felt that I was missing out but you make due with what you have to do and get on with life. Every woman is different some like working and others don't but they do what they have to to get the job done. Take a look at your financial situation and compare all the gas, clothes, lunches, childcare and see if you can stay home. Good luck to you. The other S.

I work FT and have two kids under three. Most of my guilt occurred the first year of each of my children. Also, my second had more issues sleeping at daycare than my first for some reason. She was exausted and starving by 5:30pm; we would rush to get dinner on the table and get her to bed. Now that she is older - 18 months it is a lot better and she is not in bed by 6:30pm. She is more hungry than sleepy. Sometimes they would give her a little snack before 5:30; so she wouldn't be so hungry. Plus we fix food for the week on Sunday's so that we are just reheating food during the week which makes it easier. Everyone's feelings are different and it does get easier as they get older. I look at it this way; my kids are probably learning more than they would ever learn at home with me. Both kids learned sign language and do at least 1-2 pieces of art each day. Not to mention the play time that they have with kids. I feel both kids learn a lot in their classrooms and more very well behaved in structured settings. I do feel the school they go to is not just a babysitting service. Good luck.

I raise my kids even though I work. Not the day cares or schools. Yes I only see them for about 4 hours a day during the week. So what? I'm still Momma. I have no guilt.

My kids are now 25 and 20. I went through the same kind of Mommy guilt when they were little. In fact, I started my own in home company just so I could stay home with the kids when my youngest was 2 years old. I had guilt.

I wanted to give you a different perspective then what you are probably getting from other much younger mothers. Now that both my kids are in college (oldest in graduate school) and I look back, I wish I had never quit my great corporate job with insurance and great pay to be a stay at home mom. It was great for a while but I soon found out that I couldn't work from home very well with kids under foot so I put the youngest in a mother's day out. First it was 2 days per week then 3 days then all week long. That defeated the purpose of being a SAHM - but I found I just couldn't get anything done with kids under foot all day. I needed to make some money for our household. I couldn't afford to just live off my husband's income unfortunately.

We managed to keep our kids in private school throughout their entire school career. It was tough. We sacrificed a lot to do it.
Now we are almost broke though because of my husband's business going under and I am now the sole support with my little home based business which since 1991 had grown tremendously. We can't afford health insurance, vacations, or to fix up our home on what I make.

You never know what the future will bring. When you get to be in your 50's it's almost impossible to get anyone to hire you with a good paying job with benefits. My husband used to make $115,000 per year for a Fortune 500 company. Now because of the economy and banks not loaning small businesses any money his company has gone bankrupt and now so are we as well because his start up company started in May of 2006 - right before the stock market took a dive and took our 401K and our savings with it.

He's tried to get other jobs but every company wants someone young that doesn't cost them much on their health care policy, or someone that they can hire with less experience and train them up their way and pay less to.

So, STAY at work. Use your extra income to buy another car and quit the car pool so you can take off at 3:30 p.m. Use that extra income when your kid gets older to put him in private school. Private school was the single best decision we ever made for our kids. Don't trust them to the public schools. It's not that they are not getting a good education there - it's that they will be associating with kids from all kinds of families - good families and BAD families as well. Your child's playmates and who they make friends with are the most important things when they are growing up.

When your kids are in school you will appreciate that you get off at 3:30 and have the entire afternoon and evening with them - yet still are getting a paycheck and benefits.
Good luck and hang in there.

No guilt. You are not leaving your baby at daycare because you cannot handle being home with him. We don't always have the choice of getting to stay home or work part time. The most important thing is that your son knows he is loved. Daycare can make for positive experiences too. He will not be bored, there is always someone to play with. He knows how to follow directions. He is learning about sharing.

I remember the day I picked my daughter up from daycare and she went to sleep after dinner. I cried thinking I would only see her on weekends. We decided she would sleep with us. That way I held her all night. I know lots do not agree with co-sleeping but it worked for us. Helped me not to miss her and feel guilty and let her know she was loved.

Hope you find the answer you are looking for.

C.,

I'm so sorry to hear how bad your day is going. I work as well, and I hate being away from my daughter. She actually won't drink my breast milk at daycare, so she waits for me to get home so she can gorge on it then. It's hard.

If you ever want to talk, my email is ____@____.com and my cell is ###-###-####. I am in the Frisco area and my daughter is also one. Currently, besides my full time job, I am starting to work with a company where I should be able to supplement my income soon and stay home with my daughter. If you're interested let me know. If not, I'd still love to hear from you. Know you're a great mom just because you care enough to cry at work. :)
K.

Hello C.,
Sorry I don't have much advice for you but I can definitely relate to the mommy guilt. I have a two year old and I recently went back to work after taking off about two years. To make things worse, my second son was only three months old! My first day of work was the day my second son turned 3 months old! I felt/feel like a horrible mother! And not only that, my two year old cried for two weeks straight when I left him at daycare. I too feel like someone else is "raising my kids" and it doesn't help because my husband says the same thing..."you should be home...you're paying someone to raise them.." etc. Do not beat yourself up. Things will get better. Your best bet is establishing and maintaining a great support system that hopefully includes your immediate and extended family and network of friends. I was thinking about finding part time or evening work so I could be there more for my children, and that's still a possibility for the future..maybe that would work for you too. In the meantime, you are doing the best you can and you should be proud of yourself!

Hi C.,

I completely sympathize with how you feel. I know I would hate leaving my girls as well. I got spoiled and got to stay home with them then it became apparent that we needed more income coming in. I am still spoiled : ) because I found a great team to work with online. It is great because we are almost all moms and it is totally normal to hear our kids in the background when we are working. You can check out my site if you are interested. I know many moms that replaced their corporate income and now work completely from home (even single moms). Anyways I am not trying to sell you on anything but I know I am happy I found it and I love sharing it with other moms.

Maybe I can help : )

C. http://www.AttainingMyDreams.com

Hi C.,

you've gone through more than I have so far. My girl is 6 months old and I'm currently looking for work. I was 'fortunately' laid off while being 7 months pregnant so my maternity leave has been longer than average leaves in the US. I'm from Finland and moms there stay home 1-3 years with each kid with government subsidies. Therefore, I feel like a bad mom since I'm going back to work already now.

I don't absolutely need to go back for financial reasons. We could probably manage with only one income if we tried hard. Of course I'd pretty much end up staying around the house all day since I wouldn't have extra money for going places with her. That's my 'plan B', which I keep telling myself, in case being apart from her becomes unbearable. However, I don't see myself as a stay-at-home-mom either. I crave all those things that paid work gives me. My 'plan C' is telling myself that IF we were to have another baby in the next few years, I might stay home longer with two kids.

I don't think there's a way to escape mother's guilt. No matter what you do. The best you can do is be true to yourself and make decisions you can live with.

Honestly, do you HAVE to carpool with your husband? I think the time you get to spend with your son is invaluable and not worth the money you save by carpooling (just my opinion). I work, just like you, and wish I could get off a couple of hours earlier. As it is, I drop my kids off at daycare at the crack of dawn so that I can be at work at 7:30 and then leave at 4:30. At least we get a few more minutes in the evening together and everything doesn't seem quite so rushed. Personally, I would try to get your early day schedule back.

Good luck!
L.

Just remember what you are feeling is only temporary. Yes it is very difficult to be a working Mother with all that guilt but you can choose to make the best of it. When you need to cry about it, go ahead. It is okay. Write it down if that helps too. But most importantly, don't focus on what you are NOT doing with your child. Focus on what you ARE doing with him. It isn't worth keeping him awake if he is just going to be miserable. Maybe you could take 15 minutes or so after "getting home" rush and just hold him even if he is asleep. Use that time to dream of the things that will come when he is older. Make the weekends mostly about him (without ignoring the husband of course!) If you think about the fact that you have him all to yourself on the weekends and some in the evenings, you'll see there is plenty of time to spend together. The thing I had to do was to realize that someone else was caring for my children but I was raising them. They get to play all day and they do learn from play but I am the one who instills their values, lets them know they are loved, helps with homework now that they are older, takes them to church, watches (and coaches some) soccer games, etc. It isn't anyone at the daycare that does these things. It is the parents that do all these things and more. I know it is easier said than done but the good news is - it can be done.....

Hi C.,
You've gotten a lot of responses but I felt compelled to add my 2 cents. I went back to work when my son was 6 weeks and I felt EXTREMELY guilty. Over time I have felt less guilty and actually feel like I'm a better parent because I do work outside of the home (while I have a huge amount of respect for stay at home moms, it's not something I'm interested in). I have quite a bit of flexibility and my company is pretty good about work/life balance. I also work from home about 2 days a week.

Sometime around the time my son was 15 months (he is 2 now), I began to feel virtually no guilt for sending my son to daycare while my husband and I work. I actually began to look forward to the "break" of going back to work on Mondays (I guess this is horrible for me to say because I have found that few will admit this!). For me, this is around the time he became less cranky, more fun, started sleeping on a more consistent schedule, etc. I began to look forward to the 2-3 hours we had in the evenings as well as the weekends (which are all about my son for the most part!)

I don't think there is any "easy" way to deal with it. But please know that what you are feeling is very normal for working mothers. And while every one has a opinion, there is perfectly NOTHING wrong with working FT outside of the home and sending your child to daycare.

The guilt goes both ways!!! I am blessed to not "have to" work but I have been selling real estate for 10 years and I know that I will go back to it whem my girls start school in a few years (1.5yr and 3.5yr) so I work a few days a week to keep my business alive and bring in extra spending money.

I love being at home with the girls but I LOVE my work days too. I have HUGE guilt that it feels like a weight is lifted and I have freedom when I drop them at school or grandmas!!!!

So while you fell guilty leaving your kids - I feel guilty loving leaving my kids!! I think guilt comes with motherhood. Who knows if you were able to be home with them all day you may be like me a crave to be alone!!!

Just food for thought!

I am sorry you are having a difficult time-I felt the same way 5 years ago so I changed careers from teacher to work at home mom. I know there are horror stories about work at home jobs but I found an amazing company and replaced my teaching income quickly and now make 3 times what I did teaching working part time from home. Pray about it, you do have options and if you want to learn more about replacing your income from home request info at workathomeunited.com/jobs Blessings to you and your family :)

Hi C.,

You sound just like I did almost 5 years ago before I found the business vehicle that has changed my life. I always said my kids were my priority but the hours I logged at work vs. with them did not reflect that at all. I was making too much money to just walk away, though. I felt like I was trapped in a "golden cage." I'm so glad I found out that there is a better way!

My business is expanding now and I'm looking for a key person to partner with in the DFW area. If you're interested in hearing more, give me a call at ###-###-#### and we can set up a time to get together for coffee.

I don't know if the business I love will be right for you, but what if it is? :-)

I look forward to hearing from you soon!

M.

There is some great advice posted. I feel the same way with my two kiddos.
I "have" to work, but I also like working. I love my job, I love what I do and I have found ways to make it work for our family.
My rule of thumb (and advice to ease guilt) is to make every moment count - at home and the office. If I only have three or four hours with my boys in the evening, we are not going to spend it apart. We prepare dinner together, we read, if laundry has to get done (it always has to get done) they pitch in and help, make games out of the every day things and don't look at them as chores that have to get done. I just take every opportunity to invovle and engage them. Vice Versa, when I am at work, I put my head down and go at it. Yes, I get side tracked when we have a bad morning, but being concentrated at work really helps me feel like I have put in a good day and can go home and focus on the family.
This process really, really helps me. If you try it, hope it helps you, too.
Hang in there. You can do it!!

I had some guilt when my daughter was younger, but I was fortunate to start a Web consulting company with a former co-worker so I could be home to pick up my daughter from school once she started preschool at three years old.

I couldn't find a decent day care center so my mom offered to watch my daughter part-time and we hired a part-time nanny to come to our home. I felt really good about their influences on my daughter and the love they showed her, so that helped offset some of the guilt I felt. But when she started preschool, I didn't want anyone else driving her home every day. I also didn't want to miss any more moments with her since I think she will be my only child. They grow up quickly so I want to make the most of the time that I can spend with her.

As I got my business started, I quickly blew through my savings. My husband insists I still pay half the bills even though he no longer pays for childcare since I'm home - but that's another story.

I was determined not to go back to work for someone else, so I looked for options and discovered the world of couponing. Once I got into it, I ended up cutting our grocery and drugstore bills by more than 50%. I really wish I knew about this before I got pregnant, or at least while I was still working so I could have put more money aside before I quit my job.

If you're thinking about leaving your job at some point to be home or if you are considering a part-time job so you can be home after your son starts school, then I highly recommend looking into the coupon stuff if you're not already familiar with it. Hotcouponworld.com and CouponMom.com are two good places to start.

Back to your current situation - try to make the most of your weekends with your son. Plan some special activities (which you may do already). I have some good memories of taking my daughter to the Dallas Arboretum where she and I had alone time together and got to explore.

Are you able to put him to sleep earlier and then get him up earlier so you can spend time in the morning when he might be less cranky?

Good luck!

I know just how you feel. I had the same anxieties before my son was even born. I just knew I didn't want to have to leave him home. Luckily I have been a successful work from home now for about 2 years now. I don't know if transitioning into a work from home career is something you would be interested in but I think you should check it out! It has been a blessing for me and my family. Just visit http://www.wahmjobfinder.com/gagreen to get more info.

Well, I disagree with Marci that the feeling is only temporary. I having been having working mother guilt since my oldest was born 15 years ago, and I have a 10 and 3 year old as well. Initially I has the same fears -- that someone else was raising my kids. But one thing I learned over time is that's just not true. I had a babysitter, and then ultimately my mother-in-law, to watch my children during the day. But I made it very clear that I am their mother so my instructions were to be followed (not always easy with the MIL, but she got the message!). But when I'd see my kids faces light up at the sight of me, and how they always wanted mommy (no matter how long I was away during the day) then those fears went away. But that didn't change the fact that I hated missing time with them!

I, too, work for a company with good policies for work/life balance (although honestly most people don't seem to respect them, but I've had some awesome managers!). About 5 years ago I finally had enough and decided to move somewhere more economically friendly (North Texas -- I'm originally from NJ) and quit my job and we'd live off just my husband's salary. But guess what? I still work for the same company but do it full-time from home (originally part-time, then moved back to full-time in late 2006). So at least I've gotten rid of lost time from commuting. But it continues to be a struggle since my 15 and 10 year olds are active with extracurricular activities and my 3 year old is, well, a busy 3 year old!

I will say my 3 year old has benefitted from my experience, because I am so much more relaxed about these things with her because I'm sure in the knowledge that my husband and I are raising her, no matter who is caring for her during the days.

So you are not alone in your feelings. But I think you will also see that you are raising your son, while others care for her in your absence.

I know exactly how you feel. I am typing this with tears in my eyes because my 2 are at the sitter everyday as well. I rush them from the time they get out of bed to hurry up and get ready so we can leave and then I rush them when we get home at 6 to eat and bathe and go to bed so we can get up and do it all again. I hate every second I am at work and I don't feel that I ever will 'adjust". Like you, I have to work. There is no other option. It sucks and I know I have given you no advice what so ever - but you are not alone.