Wondering What Would Motivate a Mom...

I often wonder about this myself. I have a friend, or used to have a friend (haven't talked to her in about 1 1/2 years), that got divorced and willingly gave custody of her two kids to her ex husband. She does travel a lot for work but even on the weekends that she has her kids she commonly gets a babysitter so she can go out with friends. I just don't get it.

I dont know that I could, but for some people maybe they think its whats best? I have a friend whose boyfriend has kids with another woman. The ex makes everyones ( kids included) lives so miserable anytime they see their dad, that he decided to step back for a while, not because he didnt love them or didnt want them but because he felt that they would be happier in the long run if he did, but he does call them as much as he can ( or I should say as much as their mom allows him to)

As a retired police officer, I've witnessed this over and over. And I'm glad it happens. Some people just are not able to be nurturing. When they're in their children's lives the children do not do well. I think that to separate themselves from their children is often a selfless act showing more love than the mother who keeps their child/children and then abuses them.

Sometimes the naturally given instinct to care for our young is just....broken. Thats the best way i can describe it. Im glad i dont have to endure it, but i see examples of it everyday.

My half sister's mother let her live with us (we have the same dad) all through her growing up years. Now that she has a family of her own and is a grown adult, she and her biological mother have a very close relationship. I cannot understand why my sister would be so quick to forgive her mom who didn't want her when she actually required work--raising her.

I have a co-worker who was married with 2 adorable sons and she up and left them all to live with a male co-worker of ours. They go out and party and don't have a care in the world. We were all appalled. Like the other mama below said--some women have NO maternal instincts. So, to us, their behavior IS appalling. And I will admit, I AM judging. ;)

The thought of not raising my kids makes me sad. I have had so much fun kinda reliving my child hood days.

Even on the tough days, the most I can stay away is a few hours.

I would go stand on a freeway off ramp holding a sign if it meant me getting to have my kids with me everyday...but thank god it has not gotten to that point:)

My MIL walked away from my husband. Literal just about.

I am not sure, nor will I ever be sure of why she left him. He worked days and she worked swing. O. day while his dad was at work and Cory was at school she just packed up and left. She was in another relationship at the time...so she had some place to go.

Anyways, my husband came home from school that day to an empty drive way. No clue where his mom was. He ended up walking across a 5 lane main highway alone, to his grandma's house.

She has felt guilty for how things happened ever since. and you can see that when seeing her and Cory interact together. She has been trying to make up for it since it happened.

I don't have any way of knowing for sure, but I believe that some people (women & men alike) are just not built to be parents. That, of course, does not necessarily stop them from becoming breeders. I saw the question you're referring to & IMO, someone who falls into the "not built for parenthood" category is doing the very best thing in the world for their child by staying the hell away from them.

As you can imagine, I wonder that every day and have been asked that question point-blank from my SD. I can say that in our situation, there seems to be nothing obvious or insurmountable. From what we know, she's not an addict and while mom could certainly use some psychiatric help, she's not mentally ill a way that would incapacitate her. She is not incapable of working, has no major health issues, has a roof over her head, a working vehicle, and if any of those things were issues, has people in her life like her own family - heck even us! - to help. I guess that's what kills me - yes she's had some challenges, but she has also had plenty of resources but just reached a point of giving up. I don't get it. I would crawl through fire on bloody stumps to be with my children. I don't understand how a mother - who raised her child(ren) for years and years - doesn't have or can turn off that instinct. Even if I were, God forbid, in some kind of situation where my kids would be better cared for by someone else, I would at least be in contact. I would go out of my mind wondering how my children are and would need to hear their voices and see them on a regular basis.

Those conversations are the most painful. All I can tell my SD is that I honestly don't know what is going on, I don't understand her mother either and as a mother I would never make the same choices but right now, the situation is what it is and I pray that someday they have a good relationship again and can heal, and that her dad and I are here for her for life and no matter what, we'll always be here for all of our children. Our family therapist has also introduced the idea of guilt to SD - that perhaps her mom was in a bad place with the family breaking up and getting out of domestic violence situation and now feels guilty about exposing her to that, leaving, falling out of contact and now it's been so long and awkward that the guilt is making her stay away. It sounds plausible to me.

I could never do it. But, here's my question. How do so many MEN do it? How can they be happy giving up their rights (as my son's bio-dad did) or be happy only seeing their children every other weekend? I can't wrap my head around that! It seems that we really look down on mothers that do it but are okay with men that do. I just don't get it at all. The parent that leaves their child like that are missing out on so much!
L.

I don't understand it either. In simple terms, I believe despite what stereotypes try and tell you, not all women have maternal instincts or a desire to be a mother. I have a second cousin who is 5 years younger than me, who was raised by her grandmother, my Aunt. My aunt got custody of her when she was about 2 1/2 and these were the days where it was practically impossible to remove a child from their mother. Neighbors called my aunt and told her how the mother would put my cousin, a baby at the time, in her crib and leave to go out partying sometimes not coming home until early afternoon the next day. Leaving a baby alone, hungry, scared, dirty etc. Sometimes the neighbor would break in to try and take care of her. This 'mother' did not object to losing custody. She sent her about two birthday cards ever. My aunt is wonderful, loving etc. Despite that, I can't even imagine the pain my cousin must still feel for being rejected by her own mother. I don't think all women should be mothers. I just wish those that are not cut out for it would have the common sense to use birth control and stop bringing these unwanted children into the world. They deserve so much better.

Edited to add: Tracy raises a great point. We all would rather a mother give her child over to someone else to raise them than hurt them. Look at the Casey Anthony's of the world. If only she would have given Caylee away. We would still judge her..but for far less.

I have a male friend who was married for 16 years, and they had 5 boys together (2 were twins), ages 18 down to 9... and she recently up and left them all. I was shocked. She left for another man. Hasn't spoken with the kids, doesn't want to have anything to do with them. You couldn't pay me enough to walk out on my family! There is not O. thing that would make me do that!

Did anyone ever hear about that couple who naturally conceived triplets, and gave O. baby up for adoption!? There was this huge story on it a couple of years ago... the 'twins' got to meet the third kid... it was such a heartbreaking, awkward experience. I have no idea what would compel someone to do that!

Everyone has their own personal issues to face and conquer. Those perceived inadequacies create "coping' mechanisms in our behavior. For some, the coping mechanism is to shut out anyone who can makes us feel, most especially our own children. While I myself would rather cut off my own arm then be separated from my children, I have a great amount of compassion for someone who can walk away from their own child. They must be in a great deal of inner pain and turmoil--possibly so bad that they refuse to look at their own feelings and therefore allow themselves to feel nothing. It saddens me to think of someone being in that much pain.
J.

I need to see my babies daily. They are 8, 6, and 4...but even a couple of nights away with the hubby or for work makes me miss them like crazy. I'll take the insanity of being a busy mom with 3 buys kids over not being a mom anyday. I've been like this from day 1 and I had my frist 3 months after I turned 20.

My husbands mother has had very little to do with him since he was 5 years old and his parents divorced, she didn't even want custody of him. I could never understand how someone could just leave their child like that, and now that I have children of my own I REALLY don't undersand it. It makes me so sad for my husband, he grew up without a mom and he knew it was because she chose not to be there.

I think it is a very selfless thing for a woman/girl who is not ready for a child to give an infant up for adoption. I think in most cases teens who give up an infant give that child a MUCH better chance than if they keep them (and have a better chance for an education, career and eventual stable family for themselves). Also if I did not have the finances to provide for a child, was alone, was in an abusive or unhappy relationship or had an addiction or health problem that made it unlikely I could support a child until adulthood.

Giving up a child you already have? Much harder - but if I lived in a refugee camp, was from a part of the world where I could not provide my child a future (where he might become a child soldier, die of starvation, etc) but could if my child was adopted elsewhere, I hope I would be strong enough to do so. If I were 14 or 15 or 16 and really thought about it, I would be giving my child a better life (assuming they were young enough not to remember).

It's not a double standard -- men often don't have the strong (maternal) bonds that females do. I don't understand a woman who does that, but some women just don't have that instinctive protective bond.

Maybe it's wrong, but I personally judge a woman who ditches her kids more harshly than a man, though I have minimal respect for a lot of men.

Sometimes, it's in our children's best interest. Of course that includes extreme situations. My sister, for example, loves her biological child more deeply than I can describe. She is not capable of raising her. Thus, she allowed her daughter to be apart of our own family. It broke my sister's heart, and my niece's too. But, in the long run, has been for the best. Sometimes the greatest act of love for our children, is to sacrifice our own desire to be near them.

In our situation, it was because of a fairly extreme situation. Here is a blog written by a mother who has made a decision to be a noncustodial mother for less extreme reasons. It is not because she lacks the ability to nurture, but because her desire to nurture her children out weighs that of her own wants. http://anoncustodialmother.blogspot.com/

I have three lovely expieriences with this. it's everywhere! I am the adopted mom of my nephew. She called my brother after two years and said hey i have our child. he goes to visit of couse they do drugs together and a house fire results in the taking of her three children( mine the only O. who is injured) I get a call that there is a child no O. knew exsisted and he now has no home. The adoption finalized 3 years later. She came to see him 3 times since and is allowed to call once a month and write letters send pics as she wants. she has called him maybe 15 times in the 6 years i've had him. she will text me about 3 or 4 times a year all the time asking me how our baby is doing. My baby is just fine thanks. i don't get it either.
Next we have a cousin who set her almost 2 year old over the fence in her car seat to go to the store and didn't come back. she was in and out choosing men, women, drugs, whatever was around until the daughter turned 11. Now she has given up that life and jumped in trying to be mom and doesn't undestand why her daughter constantky rejects her duh! Daughter is 14 now and is exactly like mom in every way.
third! my boyfriend and ex have 5 children. She drug out the divorce for 2 years because she didn't want him to take her kids from her. he has had them alone for about 6 years now (after leaving because of the drug use, cheating and drinking) told him she didn't want them, and that she would get them just to make him owe her. nice right. she hardly ever sees them. so far this year it's been maybe 5 times and i'm being generous. She calls about once a month and tells them how they are her babies and she loves them and how i'm the bad guy in all of this it's great. after the call i have a hard week of attitudes. she usually wants the older ones to party with but never the littles. The 16 yo refuses to go knowing that's what he is there for and doesn't want to be that way. it's sad to see them worship her and her to treat them like extra kids. I love these kids and have spent my every minute trying to make sure they are ok for the past three years. They still hate me!
Sometimes it's better for them to just cut ties and leave. if not they would hate those children to their faces and the outcome could be much worse. At least when they are afar they can fantasize about what could have been without reality taking their hope away. some people have it and some don't. sad!