Widowed Moms

R.,
I am so sorry for your loss. My advice does not come from the experience of a loss such as your, but the experience of the life I have from understanding life and death.
It is all about God! You can seek therapy and medication but I am here to tell you, you should seek the Lord for answers. He will give them to you. I know it is normal for the loss of a spouse to turn you in the complete opposite direction but you need to call upon you heavenly father and talk to him. Explain to your son what heaven is truly like. Look it up so you can give him an honest definition of where his father is. Let him know that living the right life, he will one day see his father again. Your husband did not have the chance to turn his life to the Lord but the rest of you do. There's a story in the bible where a brother of four ended up in hell. He pleaded to be able to return to the living to warn his living brothers of the life they were living, so they too wouldn't end up in such a place.
At 7 years old it can be difficult for such a loss, turn it around to the good. Move on to dating yes, but get involved with a church. Your son can grow from this not be mentally crippeled. Live every day as it may be your last. Cherish time here but in the favor of knowing what heaven has to offer, don't anticipate tomorrow on earth. Welcome death, for it is your eturnal exsistance that matters. Time here is borrowed, not guarenteed, but eturnity...........How long is that? You could never imagine and that's what we need to work toward. Your son needs to understand life and death, even at 7, he's not to young for the truth. Get him, you and the others involved in church. Turn you lives over to the Lord, for he in control. always know Satan has a vast control on the earthly things but God has the final on everything.
I can't say why God picked that day and that time, I can say it may have been for you to write this and receive this message. The power of God's word is undeniably a cure for any loss or illness. For all that could be wrong is for one purpose or another.......
So sorry you feel so alone. Cry out to Jesus and no longer feel that way!

Dear R.,
I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes there is no way to explain to a child why a loved one has died. I dealt with this 10 years ago with my then 8-year old daughter. I taught her that sometimes bad things happen & that we have no control over them. We live in a world where the actions of other people touch our lives - sometimes for good, sometimes for bad.

We do have the comfort in knowing that we'll be reunited with our loved ones when we've trusted our lives to Jesus Christ. I don't want to sound preachy, but I don't know how to say it any other way. Please don't tell your kids that God took their dad. They will grow up hating God. I spent many months doing all that I could to help my daughter get through the grieving process. One of the best things we did was attend New Hope's Center for Grieving Children in Maitland, Florida. There are other centers in the country - I recommend you do a Google search to see if there's one in your area. If not, I'm sure they can send you some information. The internet can be a tremendous source of support as well. There are grief websites out there. Another thing we did was write down the things we were thankful for in a journal. By focusing on the positive, we were able to see that there is hope for the future. I also prayed a lot. It was during that time that I really grew in my personal relationship with Jesus. I found myself wishing life would just get back to "normal." But I learned that what I needed to do was create a new "normal" for us. I am now remarried with a 6 year old daughter. My now 18-year old is doing well (she's a senior in high school).

As for dating someone else, only you know when you're ready. If you find yourself unable to let go of your husband (you compare the new guy with him too much), then you're probably not ready.

Please write back if you have any questions. I would be more than happy to share more.

God bless you,
L.
____@____.com

i was feeling your problems up until i read 'i just wanna beat him' part.
why because he lost one parent and now he's afraid this new man will take his mom away too and he'll be left alone?
i never understood moms who put their needs in front of their kids'.
he is still very little, and this, i am sure, is a hard time for you, but harder on your kids since they don't understand life and deat this early on.
so instead having urges to beat him when he misbehaves, how about putting your dating on hold for a little longer until he grows up a bit more and realized mom is not going anywhere.

I am so fortunate not to be in your position, and your post made me stop and think how truly lucky I am. I am sorry for your loss and applaud your willingness to move on, especially since it is obvious you miss your husband and are doing your best to put your kids' needs first and foremost. One thing I can say is that I don't think there ever is a "right time" to start dating or getting serious with someone else after your spouse, the parent of your children, has died. Every situation, every experience is different. It seems to me you know that FOR YOU, this is the right time to move forward in your current relationship, but you are held back by guilt and a sense of obligation to your children, particularly because of your youngest son's difficulties.
And considering it seems you ARE putting them first and considering their needs and issues, don't you also think that one of the most important gifts you can give them is a happy mom? Of course it's not going to be easy on anyone at first to make that big step, but if this man is making you believe you are ready to move forward after a heartbreaking and painful experience, don't you deserve to give it a chance? Good luck and best wishes.

I am not a widowed mother but my oldest sister is. She lost her husband in a tragic accident when she was pregnant with her second child. She too was unable to say good bye. She had no family support and raised her children on her own. To say both her boys were a challenge is an understatement. The oldest had a difficult time with the death of his father. He too through temper tantrums often and he only got worse as he grew older. He had a lot of pent up anger. He even ruined a very good relationship she was in. I can only suggest that you stay in therapy. The suggestion to try and move him out of your bed is probably a good one if you are interested in starting a new relationship at some point. I would ask your therapist about this. I don't think you should bring him home in to your bed until the boys all fell comfortable with him, but then again you have a right to have a life. They will all leave you at some point. If you still had your husband with you, you all would probably be going on date nights away from the boys anyway.

My sisters boys are adults and still miss thier father and are still angry after all these years. The oldest one who is 30 is just now coming around. She did not have the advantage of therapy at the time. It was not as big back then as it is now.

Because I am a child of a single mother and have dated several men with children. My personal feeling is that you should not have someone spend the night at your house with you until your married (or at least there is a commitment made). It can be just as difficult on them if the relationship does not work out and he has to move out after they became attached him. Thus my reason for not having him stay the night or live with you.

If your religous, I would seek council with an elder at church and pray for guidance.

Please don't take offense to the person who berated you over the statement you made about feeling like you want beat your child. I think every parent feels that way at times even with children who do not have emotional problems. You just happened to say it. I know there are times I feel that way, it doesn't mean I do it! It also does not make me a bad mother or person! There are days it just feels like it's too much.

God bless you and your family.

Dear R.,
I am not a widow but my mother became a widow early too. My father passed away from cancer when I was 18, and my sister was 16. I applaud you on getting counseling! I have done and been through grief counseling so my advice stems from there.
NO ONE did anything of the sort after my father passed and it took years for me to deal with it. I would be a little hesitant to say that God took him, then the grief turns to anger later toward God and still not dealt with. I had to come to realize that "things just happen" and are out of my control. If I could give any advice, I would say to communicate, communicate, communicate with your sons. Talk about Dad, cry together, remember, keep his memory alive especially for the little one since he is so young, his memory is the shortest. This way, you're respecting Dad, but at the same time they maybe able to give you the respect to move on. The reality is death of a parent at a young age has now made a mark on his life, and someone else coming in will be a process, especially if you're really close.
Try not to hurry the process along, after losing my own father, then last year we lost my father in law, I realize grief has its own timetable, especially if we didn't say goodbye. I wasn't able to say goodbye to my father either--he died before I made it to the hospital, but just a couple of years ago (he died in 1992) I finally wrote him a letter for closure. If your therapist hasn't suggested it already, let the boy(s) write him a goodbye letter. We are emotional beings, and without that outlet, grief can paralyze us for years. His tantrums are probably his only way of expressing his loss, sense of abandonment, and grief. I know its hard b/c you lost someone here too. And I am sorry for that. I hope this helps.

Hi R.-
I am a 36 year old widow with 2 little boys. They are currently 3 and 6 years old. My husband and their father also died in a tragic accident 2 years ago this past Saturday. We were not able to say goodbye either. My youngest does not remember him b/c he was only 14 months when he died. My oldest however does remember him and talks about him often. I did not take them to the funeral but they have been to the cemetary many, many times. I do not know exactly how much he understands about death but he knows that his father is no longer here, and he cannot see him anymore. But he can, and does talk to him. He also likes to sleep with things that were his Dad's. He says this helps him remember him. I think that you should start transitioning your son into his own bed. I am sure you have heard this before, but the longer he sleeps with you the longer it will take to get him out of your bed. And children figure out real quick what our "guilt" buttons are and they use them. They learn to manipulate us very early on. I too have a boyfriend. We have been together 9 months and have been living together for 6. My children love him!! We needed him in our lives so much and I don't think we even realized it. You cannot feel guilty or allow your children to make you feel guilty b/c you want to be happy. You deserve to be happy and if Mama's happy everybody's happy!! :) Don't let your little one rule your life. Talk openly and honestly with him and help him understand that no matter what you will always love him and be there for him. He may be scared right now that if Daddy can go away so can Mommy. But get him out of your bed if you can b/c if he has to leave b/c of a man he will be very angry with you and the man. It is better to do it now. Experts say it can talk up until the age of 10 years old for a child to understand death so we have a few more years of this at the very least! We still cry and talk a lot but we know he is with God in a better place and the will see him again! Best of luck to you, I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can help. Thank you so much! G.

Personally, I do think it might be a bit too soon for your kids to accept you being in a serious relationship. Kids don't really understand adult loneliness, so you'll have to be very sensitive to those issues. I think you will know the right time based on they seem to be doing emotionally. I would be also worried about the older two, as they are usually the ones who bottle up their feelings or don't want to burden you with what's on their mind. But they must miss their dad- as a male figure - terribly. I'm sorry to hear about what you have been through. I would keep things with your friend on the down-low for at least another year. I hope this doesn't sound judgmental- it's really not meant to be.