I have a pretty decent relationship with the mom of my kid's classmate. They became instant friends and we moms just seemed to click. We go to events hosted by one another and make sure the kids hang out. In attending a few events that our families have been at, her husband keeps asking "where's your husband?" For a few events, he simply wasn't able to attend due to other commitments or didn't want to. That doesn't prohibit us from going at all. At a recent event where my husband did attend, her husband actually walked up to my husband and commented that he felt like my husband was avoiding him. Now, they don't know each other well, have only met on kid-occasions for brief moments and are not running buddies of any kind. My husband thought this was freakin' strange and so did I. He's never called my husband, they have never hung out or made plans to do anything.
Now if they invite us somewhere, hubby ain't really interested because this makes him uncomfortable. And if I/we show up without him, her husband, even before he says hello, will say something like....."Don't tell me he didn't come or where's he at, work, etc.?" I know he's being friendly, but this makes us very uncomfortable. It's not that my husband doesn't "like" him, but he doesn't know the guy....and this is not helping. Also, just because I become friends with the mom, does not automatically mean that my husband will connect with the dad. I don't push that at all. I've been married long enough to know that this is not an effective or appreciated tactic. Doesn't work with your kids either.
If I invite a couple and one doesn't make it, I don't inquire why, where the person is at or press the person for information or make assumptions. I let it go and enjoy the time spent with who did show up. I don't focus on who didn't come. There is an event coming up in 3 weeks that this couple is hosting. I plan to attend, but my hubby is not interested and I know I'll get the questions and comments. I have never encountered something like this and have no idea how to communicate that this makes us uncomfortable without hurting their feelings. I don't think they are aware that they do this........all the time. I should have paid more attention to see if her husband is like this with other guests, but I am too busy dodging him. The wife does it sometimes. Her husband always. I don't think they mean any harm, but I can do without all the probing.
I have no problem attending an event without my husband and offer no explanations on why he's not present. I might say something in general like, he's working or at a sporting event, but I feel like that explanation should be the end of the questions and comments. Although, I notice that if she shows up without him she does provide a long explanation on why he didn't come. Me on the otherhand, will ask no questions. I don't feel it is necessary or appropriate. You don't owe me an explanation.
I DREAD being invited to something they will attend or they are hosting because now I know hubby will not go to avoid this. I will still go, but how can I enjoy the event without all the questions. Geeeeez. Help me out here, please.
I went to the party without hubby and in true fashion her husband was bummed that my hubby didn't come. I didn't offer an explanation and changed the subject. Her husband said something about he'll just have to come visit my hubby instead. I was like...ok. I know he will not. I don't expect to see them for a while...so alls clear for now
Maybe he was joking/ making small talk? Like just joking, "Hey, are you avoiding me?!" I guess I don't see how it would make me uncomfortable.
You are reading way to much into it. Seriously, it was a joke, I get comments like that all the time because my husband is the one who never get's to go. He works graveyard and works on the end of the week. Also, it's not that mine won't or finds other things more appealing, he can't. He would be there if he could.
I had one person even say "we're starting to believe your husband doesn't exist" who could blame them...they had never seen him up to that point. So i turned into a joke about my imaginary husband.
What I am wondering is why doesn't your husband make more of an effort to attend with you guys? On the rare occasions that my husband can attend, he does, he would never plan something else for that day. He would spend the day with his family....
It sounds like a joke and he was trying to break the ice with your husband.
You have way over read the comment.
Do neither of you have a sense of humor?
BTW, I just took my kids camping last week with a couple of neighborhood families and my husband couldn't make it. Everyone asked where he was and I simply explained he had a lot of deadlines and I hope he doesn't ditch us in the future.
If it comes up again, say that it seems that you and DH are different from her and her DH in that you don't always socialize as a couple. Assure them that DH will attend when it works for him/you. If the husband keeps talking about it, perhaps take your friend aside and say you are confused. There are times that DH and I socialize together, but also plenty of times we don't and it sounds like we are more like you. Do you think the DH is lonely?
I get what you are saying, meaning I read your post and hear your concerns... but at the same time I don't get why you and your husband have allowed it to make you uncomfortable? Just these comments alone would not make it so that I would dread going to an event with them. It sounds to me like this couple are friendly and wanting to get to know you guys better and maybe they want to have a 'couple' as friends for both of them...ya know? So the 4 of you could go out and do things together or whatever? I bet that is it. The husband probably sees how his wife enjoys your company and is hoping him and your husband could become friends too.
If I were you I would ask my husband to give this guy a chance and attend some of the activities together...you never know, maybe you guys will be good friends? If not, so be it...but it wouldn't hurt to try, would it? Unless of course your husband isn't a 'people person' and if that is a case just be honest with the couple and tell them so when they inquire next as to where your husband is at.
Maybe they are just one of those couples that does everything together and they think YOU are the strange ones?
I'm not saying you're strange, I go to a lot of stuff without my husband (especially kid related events) and vice versa. But I have noticed some couples are ALWAYS together. And we DO know someone like your friend's husband, every time I see that guy at a function he always says, "where's M? oh he couldn't make it? tell him hi, we should get together!" He kind of sounds funny (it's like wound up nervous energy or something) and it's actually become a bit of a joke between my husband and I. I'll say oh I saw G, he asked about you, lol!!!
They're make an insensitive joke and you all are oversensitive about it.
Who cares what they think - you just go on and let them be a$$holes.
"Oh, you know some guys-- all this socializing isn't their cup of tea."
or
"Babysitter couldn't make it and it was his turn to stay home."
I don't think you need to give this a second thought. They might be overly-solicitious (which is what it sounds like to me)-- have a few pat answers in your pocket and then, let it go. They might also have some philosophy around both parents going to everything together (some couples do) and in that case, you just have to live and let live-- and so do they.
It sounds like this couple is looking for a friends couple. It also sounds like they're used to spending most of their time together and accounting for all of their time apart, and expect other couples to do the same. They're having trouble grasping that you and your husband aren't like them in that way.
Either you're going to have to distance yourself from them, or you're going to have to have a blunt conversation with them about how it makes you uncomfortable that they're making you account for your husband's whereabouts when he doesn't join you.
I just don't get the problem. I really don't understand why your husband would purposely not go just to avoid their comments. They are pretty harmless and as you said the guy is friendly.
If you really dread going to an event they are hosting because of their questions, don't go. It just seems to me to be a strange thing to even think twice about. It sounds to me like they just want your husband to know he is wanted:). I guess you could ask them what is with the third degree but then they will probably think you are being way too touchy.
You and your husband owe no apologies. Try to ignore him. If his feelings are hurt, it's not your fault or responsibility to cheer him up LOL. Anyway, enjoy your event/activity, be friendly to this man, then walk away. Hopefully, your husband won't allow this to prevent him from enjoying outings with his family. Good luck!!
People are just being polite.. When my husband isn't with me for which often he is not, people do ask about him. I take it as a compliment because he is very likable..
We used to have a "tag team" approach and did NOT expect both adults to be present at a kid event. We simply told people, "we're a tag team"...(because there are chores that need to be completed at home and spouse needs some unscheduled time to relax and rejuvenate...no need to explain beyond the "tag team" approach)...
