Why Is My 3 Year Old Acting This Way?

Hi J.-

It's completely normal to worry about your child, but it sounds like your daughter is acting normally.

When kids are in new enviroments, especially enviroments which are busy, they tend to cling to the people they know more and more. It also sounds like your daughter may not know how to react during social situations, specifically with other kids.

If you can, invite other kids over to play at your house, where your child is comfortable, one or two kids at a time. Your daughter will learn to be more social and how to play with other kids, and you can watch your child's behavior.

I have little experience with autism, but I believe that you would see antisocial behavior towards you and your husband too, not just new people.

Good Luck

R. Magby

She might need to be shown how, and at that age a lot of children play more alongside each other than with. Part of breaking that may be for you to play with the children and show her how fun it can be. When she sees that her peers are enjoying their different personalities, she may think that she should do the same. But meanwhile make sure she goes well rested and fed, and keep the playdates short.

Children, especially younger ones often develop unevenly (ahead is some things and lagging in others). Your daughter's behavior sounds in the normal range without more specifics. If you are truely concerned read a bit on early childhood development, talk to your pediatrician or call Early Intervention. Some children are just shyer and take longer to get used to new places and people ( I was like that as a child). Preschool is all about learning social skills and how to get along in a classroom setting. If you want her to learn social skills take her out to the park, library story hour or playgroup or sign her up for a class. I found the playground and playgroup were good for practicing social skills. Teach her a little at a time starting with introducing herself and asking another kid to play. Sometimes when my son seemed at a loss I would offer a few examples of what to say. My son is 4 and has been in preschool almost a year and has made a lot of progress getting along with the other kids. At the beginning of the year he was having a lot of trouble getting along with the other kids (he hit and pushed).

I think if you are worried about Autism you should bring that to the attention of the doctor instead of your husband. Then you can rest your mind, or if there is a problem you can start treatment. I do know that with autism the earlier you catch it the more they can do. I hope all works out for you!!!

My oldest was almost 6 when we had our 2nd daughter. She did go to nursery school when she was 18 months though which did help, but I always made certain that there were things for her to do that included other children. I think your daughter's actions were normal for any child - how do we still feel to this day when we make an effort to someone and they basically snub us - i know that i usually find myself bothered by something and may portray a bit of an attitude. Are there any play groups in your area that you could maybe bring her to, or activities at a local park. The big bonus for me has always been the lake during the summer b/c there are tons of children there. It's nothing you're doing wrong, your daughter may just be feeling things out and the most important thing is that she'll be going to school in Sept - if you feel that strongly about doing something now, maybe the pre-school has a summer program that she could go to just once or twice a week - that way she will become more comfortable with the teachers and children that will be there in Sept which may help w/the whole transition then. Good luck!

If I had to guess, I'd say she is acting like she is because she doesn't know any better. There is a big difference between playing with you and even cousins occasionally than there is meeting new kids, being in different sized groups of kids and navigating that, etc. She sounds like she needs more social exposure. Social behavior is learned for the most part...not something most people are automatically great with.

If she gets attitudes, that is a completely different issue that you need to help her deal with. That is NOT going to help her as she is learning to be more social. It is going to make children shy away from her and affect her even in preschool. You have got to help her learn how to handle things differently. It's no different than when my 2 1/2 year old wants to immediately freak out because I have something he wants. I don't just give it to him because he's 2. I talk to him in a calm voice and say things like, "Do you want 'x' toy? Calm down please and say 'x' please." And I won't give it to him until he calms down which he almost always does. Don't reinforce the attitude or you are going to find yourself with a high maintenance little girl.

As for worrying whether she is autistic or not, I think you are jumping the gun especially going to the extent you are getting upset with your husband because he isn't agreeing with you. :-| Maybe breathing and not panicking is something your daughter and you could work on together as our children often mirror us much to our dismay. Trust me, we have seen ourselves in our children on more than one occasion and it has NOT always been a good thing. It has definitely shown us ways we don't always react correctly and made us realize that we have helped affect our children in both good AND bad ways. :(

If you are curious about autism mile marker concerns, check out the CDC.org website. I believe there is a check list on there somewhere. Also talk to her pediatrician of course but my initial gut reaction is this is a behavior issue and something that YOU need to help her change by doing some things differently (such as more socailization and affirmation of feelings then redirecting).

Best of luck. I think it's great you are trying to get a handle on this and help your daughter rather then just waiting and seeing.

I think your husband is right. If you don't socialize her with kids she can't learn to be social. some kids are just naturally social and some need some coaxing and occasional exposure to kids isn't enough. When she starts preschool it is probably going to be really hard on you and on her but especially you. She will probably have a hard time adjusting initially and you will have the hardest job in letting go and giving her the time she needs to adjust which could take weeks. I've watched parents just pull their kids out within a day or 2 because THEY can't handle watching their child be upset or social. She will learn to share and make friends, being an only child she has never had to compete for attention or time or wait a turn, those are foreign concepts to her. These are important developmental concepts that preschool will help her with and I'm sure her language skills will also improve

Updated

She is only 3 and she doesn't have regular relationships with people her age. Playschool will do her wonders as it teaches social skills and development. She'll be fine don't stress and let her be herself you can't make them be something their not you can only encourage good behaviour and discourage bad in months you'll proberly wonder what all the drama was about.Don't sweat the small stuff. Kids will be kids.

Autism is actually not an easy diagnosis to get. It's more than just being a delayed talker, anti-social or tantruming child. It's actually a learning disability where speech, social delays and tantrums are just a fraction of the equation but are usually the first very noticeable symptoms you will see when autism is involved. If you sincerely question whether your daughter has autism, this website will give you more information about the signs and symptoms of autism and how it is diagnosed: http://www.autismspeaks.org/whatisit/learnsigns.php

After checking out the website, if you still question whether or not your daughter has autism, make an appointment with your pediatrician ASAP and he/she will hopefully give you guidance on how to handle it from there so that your daughter will receive the early intervention she needs to recover.

There's also a chance that your daughter is just another typical toddler. They do tantrum, they don't like to share, they get their feelings hurt easily, and some talk better than others. And sometimes they feel overwhelmed at parties and with new people, especially if they are not used to being around a lot of other kids. Whether your daughter has autism or not, I would suggest trying to get your daughter to the park a lot more and schedule regular playdates with other kids. It takes a lot of work to teach children how to be civilized and learn to play well with other kids. Since your child is an only child, you will have to make a concerted effort to take her out of the home to give her the social stimulation that she needs to learn and grow to be a better playmate.

Hope this helps. Wishing all the best for you and your daughter.

I am wondering why your husband took her back in the car and to her aunt's? Because she was having a tantrum? If so, then that is WHY she has tantrums, because she gets away with it. The more you give in to her attitudes the more she will have them. Parents teach children to cry by giving in to them when they do.
Also she probably doesnt talk as god as other 3's because she doesnt have to. Do you anticipate her needs? Does she point at the fridge and you get her a drink? You have to start having conversations with her. Ask her what she is doing, what she saw on tv, what she wants to eat. When she starts crying make her tell you why, instead of guessing and giving it to her. As far as her having autism, if you have doubts ask your pediatrician or else the school will notice something. All children learn at different times and just because she doesnt talk well doesnt mean there is a problem. She is antisocial because she doesnt know any different.

Hey J.,

If this is just one event, and you have not left out A LOT of information about why you would think autism, then you probably are overreacting. Autism has a very specific range of behaviors that manefist in social, langague, communication and sensory issues that are beyond the typical behavior range in their scope, frequency, and intesity. Autsim does not pop up at one event.

I am one to tell Mom's to trust their gut, but you seemed very focused on yourself and your frustration with how the birthday party made you feel, and how angry you are with your husband for not agreeing with you. I think for anyone to take you seriously, you are going to have to take yourself and your emotions out and be more focused on what is bothering you about your daughter. How you feel about it, and how your husband is not seeing this too is a totally seperate issue.

If you have a lot more to add that makes you wonder, and you need someone to bounce it off of, repost with a clearer picture of what you see and those of us who have autsitc kids can tell you what we saw and guide you on how to find resources to find out for sure. What bothers you about her speech, exactly? The majority of speech issues are not autism, but you should never delay language intervention, so please be more specific so that you do not loose any time on that.

And just a personal note, when my autistic daughter had meltdowns at a public outing, we left because it was best for her and it was considerate to everyone else, but I did this with my typical kids too. It meant missing things that I would rather have attended, and it meant that I was disapointed. As Moms, we have to put the focus where it belongs and this is one of the sacrifices we make, to go home when any child's behavior is unpleasant and they cannot get it under control. I can tell you from experience, having a typical kid means letting go of what disapoints me and moving on, and having an autistic kid means doing that a lot more than I ever imagined.

Post again, especially about the speech.

M.

I don't think your daughter's behavior is that unusual. Tantrums are a common way for kids this age to let us know they are mad when they don't know how to express themselves with words. Kids often outgrow naps at this age. Repeating is a way that kids learn. And a child who hasn't had much experience with socializing isn't going to be comfortable in social situations.

I didn't start either of my kids (they turn 5 and 6 this summer) in preschool until age 4 and because of my son's health issues (low immunity) we didn't socialize alot. Both of my kids act shy and apprehensive outside of their comfort zone. Now that they are in preschool I see that they are becoming more social. But, even with family members, my daughter needs an "adjustment" period. If we go to my brother's house for a party my nieces are all over my daughter. They are very social and like to hug, greet, etc. My daughter doesn't take well to that. If you say hi to her and give her a few minutes to acclimate to the environment she warms up much more quickly.

To help her learn to socialize there are a number of things you can do. Get involved in a mom's group over the summer so she will be around other kids and adults. Be careful not to push her off onto other kids. Ask a child to come and play with you and your daughter. Model how to talk to the other child, share, etc. You could also set up playdates at your house. One child would be a good fit for your daughter. This will allow her an opportunity to gain social skills and self confidence.

As far as her language developement...read to her, sing songs with her, ask her questions about pictures in books, get her to help you with laundry and ask her to bring you the white socks, the blue shirts, etc. If she isn't saying words correctly, model them for her. Talk is full sentences so your daughter can learn how to do that.

If you are still really concerned, talk to your pediatrician to see if there is anything shes that is concerning. Prepare for the appointment by keeping a log of her behaviors. How many tantrums, when are they, do you know what they are in response to? How many words does she say? What are they? Does she speak in sentences, even if only 1-2 word sentences? Does she use facial expressions or hand gestures in communicating? Can she follow simple 1 or 2 step instructions? Does she show affection toward you and your husband? These are some of the questions the pediatrician may ask. Best wishes to you.