Why Do Some of Us Do This? Sorry So Long

A big part of my reason is that I don't want to know/be fully aware of the part I played in the situation.

When I'm mad about it, I can be mad only at him. But when I bring it up to him, he's inevitably going to say something that puts at least some of the responsibility back on me (and rightly so).

In this case, if I had said something and let him know I was mad, I would have gotten "You could have simply said I needed to be home. Why did you say it was okay if you were mad about it?" And truly, that's a reasonable question. But, when I'm mad, I don't care that I have any responsibility in the situation, I want to be able to blame only him for his insensitivity and double-standard.

Unexpressed expectations.
If someone doesn't know what you are expecting, you can't be upset if the expectations aren't met.
Be clear about expressing your expectations.

I have to say that I am not like this at all, and I actually don't know many women who are! The women I know have absolutely no problem telling their husbands flat out what they think and why they are upset, without reservation, and without waiting to be asked.

You are just setting yourself up with "Do as I say, and not as I do" from your husband (like about the car) and his "increments" of what he's going to do, like the example of him staying out longer and later and not coming home and yada yada.

Why wouldn't he just act like nothing is wrong? That way he gets to do what he wants without having to change his plans. Maybe you'll get over it and maybe you won't, but he is taking the chance that when he gets back, your anger would have blown over and he won't have to deal with the issue.

You are in the wrong here, I am sorry. Get your backbone up, stand up for yourself, and NEXT time he talks out of both sides of his mouth, CALL him on it. ("This is the same man that said we (my daughter, him and myself) shouldn't stay the night at my sisters house one night because we would have my parents car all night and he didn't want to do that. (we borrow mom and dads car when we visit, but we try not to be gone too much with it). So it's ok to do that when he wants to stay at a friends, but not ok to stay with my sister?")

You aren't doing yourself any favors AND you have trained him to take advantage of you like this and to think that it's just fine. In fact, I would think that now he does this to other people too.

Change it up, girl. You have the power.

Dawn

Why didn't you tell him at some point, "No, honey, that is not a good idea. You need to come home and do the things you said you would do." We never would have gotten to the point where I was mad at bed time b/c I would have been honest from the first point at which he wanted to leave at 3pm instead of 9pm.
I rarely get mad at my dh like this any more b/c I don't let him believe I am ok with things I'm not ok with. And no way would I be ok with my dh taking off like that (reason #35 I married a guy who hates professional sports).

And this:
"So later he texts me that he is working out with his friend and won't be home till noon. Which pisses me off more because he knows that we are having people over later and have a lot to do, now I won't have his help"
Wow. Never never never. If he was suppose to help me, I would have told him, "No, you need to come home now and help me with xyz like you said you would. You can work out later when I go to lunch with my friend."

"Why didn't I just read him the riot act when he got home?"
Because you knew it would blow up into something way bigger than it should be because you didn't stand up for yourself to begin with.
"How come I wanted to wait till he asked me about it?"
Because we all want guys to "see" what's wrong without having to be told because we believe that's what a man should do if they love us enough. Unfortunately, men don't think like this, women do.

"I told him when he does that it makes me think that he doesn't give a damn whether I am upset with him or not."
Again, say this to him in the moment, not after he's done 10 things that are not ok with you, but he thought they were at the time because you acted ok with it. He acts like nothing is wrong because he doesn't want to incur your wrath and probably can't remember all the things he did wrong that he needs to apologize for.

Basically, you are allowing him to be disrespectful to you, and people only treat you the in ways that you let them treat you. Buck up and stand your ground next time.

I would be more direct with him . . . that sort of behavior would not "fly" with me and I can't imagine my husband doing that.

You're not his mom or his principal. You guys are supposed to be a team.

He sounds immature.

JMO.

J.:

I am sorry - it sounds like you guys are both in your 20s and don't know how to effectively communicate with each other.

If you are on a 'vacation' and staying at your parents home - okay - got that. You each want to see friends - got that.

You waited because you had the false hope that he would bring you flowers and say I'm sorry, Babe - i love you - i got caught up in MY stuff and neglected you.

You waited until sleep so you could piss him off so he wouldn't sleep well. Instead of talking to him about it when it happened - you waited so that you could steam roll him and give him your wrath. Had you just communicated in the beginning - you both could've had your fun, your way and met somewhere in the middle.

Why don't you BOTH just come out and say 'Jen - I'd like to spend a lot of time with Jeremy while we are here. I would like to go to his place around 3PM and spend the night. Can you drop me off at his place so that I don't keep your parents car tied up?'

Why don't you just tell him NO! We had plans....x y and z. You would avoid a lot of anger if you just COMMUNICATED to him.

So as you can see, I'm not one to hold back on my husband...I tell him what I expect and what I think. He does the same. It works. Does that mean we don't argue? ooh we do. but not that often because we set the ground rules and expectations by COMMUNICATING with each other.

First you need to stop attributing, he probably isn't trying to piss you off or ignore you. That is your frustration.

I used to do that and found all it does is cause fights. Never let anger build up. Thing is you need to express your feelings when you are feeling them so they don't mutate. It just seems like they always mutate into anger regardless of where they started, ya know.

Like when he went over early, oh yeah I know you miss hanging just don't forget we have people coming over tomorrow and I will need your help.

You had to know it would go into an all night, even I saw that one coming. Setting them up to fail isn't fair, they are just like kids in that regard. Are you planning on spending the night? I am sure you will be drinking....

All of this while you are still happy with the man....

Yes we all do this, I just had a nightmare of a marriage for 18 years and figured out this bit of it was self inflected stress and anger so I don't do it anymore. Troy gets to hear what I am feeling and the funny thing is he appreciates it. :) Oh, Troy is new husband...

So sorry J.. That is no fun when your man does you wrong like that.

You don't say anything at first b/c you don't want to turn into a nagging wife. J. - 1, J.'s husband - 0!

But you are the kind that internalizes feelings so it gets bottled up inside until you explode and then your "reasons for being mad" turn into ranting, which most men can tune out b/c of their "tune out" gene they all seem to be born with. Also, most men would rather have a tickle fight w/a TRex than confront a possible pissed off wife. Men have mastered playing dumb by the time they are out of diapers.

As for lunch w/your friend, don't be a martyr...."he wasn't going to be home in time so I cancelled my lunch w/my friend"...no no no. Either tell him to be home when he says to be home and go have your lunch, or bring your daughter to lunch with you, or drop her off with him on the way to lunch w/your friend. He was in the wrong this time but next time, make it work for you.

I suggest learning some assertiveness skills. They will help you fine tune when to say something and in the most diplomatic way.

For the same reason he's a coward to ask. You are mad, but you both know that it will not be the easiest discussion and are trying to avoid it. Or, sometimes, I hold things because the kids are around and it's not a topic for them.

I would tell him you feel disrespected when he says he will be home at x time and isn't. That you made plans with friends and you need him to support your friend time as much as you support his.