Why Do Some Families Co-sleep?

Hi A.:
I, like you, have made a conscious decision to make sure my daughter sleeps in her own bed from a very early age. As a result, she won't sleep unless she's by herself! Recently, she was sick and we brought her into bed with us so we could keep a closer eye on her and she slept with us for the first time. It was so sweet waking up to see her and my husband sharing the same pillow! I understood then why so many parents decide to co-sleep. It's such an amazing bonding time. The next night, however, we put her right back in her crib. Call me selfish...but I want to cuddle with my husband! Our bed's just not big enough for all of us and I see only benefits in fostering independance and self-soothing at this stage.

Hi,
We co sleep. Always have - save a short time with our first when we listened to others against what we beleived. I am a HUGE advocate for breasfeeding and that is a big part for me. When your baby is next to you he/she can nurse as needed throughout the night.I personally disagree with crying it out, it is proven to be damaging to the child.
Also - about SIDS. Co sleeping is not a risk factor for that - in fact it PREVENTS SIDS. Babies who are at risk in co sleeping situation are preventable, like any other place in parenting you have to do it properly. Don't take any drugs - or drink alcohol and co sleep...never sleeping pills, always be aware of your baby don't sleep on acouch - keep covers and pillows to a minimum - there is a list of things one needs to follow in order to co- sleep safely. Babies that are uhrt by co-sleeping are from parents that don't follow the rules. As far as SIDS goes, your babies chances actually decreas when you co sleep. Of course you don't know who is funding the information that a crib is "safest". Just know that it is not SIDS that hurts babies who co sleep - it is misinformed parents. I encourage you to look into the statistics and to also see what corporation may have funded the project. Also look into stories about babies who have been harmed by co-sleeping and what the reason actualy was, most likely overlaying - NOT SIDS.
I beleive that co sleeping fosters a more independent person. These are my perconnal convictions which I feel strongly about. Every mother does what she feels best for her family.

I am against co-sleeping because of the intimacy with my spouse. I believe whole-heartedly that the love between your spouse should be stronger than the love between your children. They are obviously different kinds of love but without your spouse you wouldn't have the kids. I wouldn't want to jeopridize my marriage because, lets face it, it happens, so I could have this special bond that co-sleepers say exists. I am VERY close to my children and I work 20-30 hours a week and my kids sleep in their own rooms. I see people who smoke around their kids which also increases the risk of SIDS, but just like I can't make them quit I can't convince a co-sleeper to stop. Just like a co-sleeper couldn't convince me to start. Each family does different things and I respect that.

Hi, I wanted to respond to your question. I am a social worker and I have heard and heard this from the pediatricians that you should not co sleep. However, I can tell you that your family member is stating nothing but the truth. I cannot explain to you the bond. It is an attachment that you can only understand when you have done it. When you are sleeping and they reach out to touch you to make sure you are there, when they fall asleep holding one of your fingers because you are their hero. I am just not sure how to explain to you the feeling. The security that my child feels when he is next to us. I slept with my parents and I turned out to be fine and alive and my son is four and alive. I guess it all depends. Yes, there is a risk of SIDS but there is also the same risk if you read the statistics of them dying of SIDS in their cribs. Society is so engage into making us so independent from birth that we are told to do this and that and don't do this or that. I followed my heart and I felt that having him close was the best for our relationship. It is diff. for everyone but that is what works for us. I hope this gives you some insight into why some parents do it. Really, it's a matter of what feels right for your family. But once again the bond and the relationship is unexplainable.

I am surprised that you have not been able to find research in support of co-sleeping. Just check out some of the stuff from James Mckenna:

http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/faq.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/

La Leche League is also very supportive of co-sleeping.

http://www.llli.org/FAQ/cosleep.html

Here's another great article explaining the risks of crib sleeping vs cosleeping:

http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/sleep/kimmel.html

So, there are indeed many supportive organizations and research studies. Many women who cosleep are educated on the subject, as well as on a variety of other parenting topics. It often goes hand in hand with successful breastfeeding, especially making it through the first few months.

A., I will respond directly to some of your concerns-as an pediatric RN, Lactation consultant and Mom. yep, sleep with my kids, my oldest didn't sleep with us much till about 15 months, then she did a combo of our bed/our room/her bed till about 5. She is now 9, goes to bed without any difficulty on her own, in her own bed. Our youngest who is now 5, has slept with a combo of me/my husband/both since about 5 weeks. She has nights on her own in her bed, about 2-4x week. My pediatrician and I have come to an agreement that I am a proper-cosleeping momma.in other workds cosleeping in correct terms in SAFER than not...but there are guidelines, which I will refer to. RESEARCH has proven it to be safer. Again, SIDS is sudden infant death syndrome....babies who die cobedding are almost always a suffucation death-not sids, and indeed done with poor cosleeping practices. If it is simply an issue of SIDS, then formula feeding and smoking is what drastically increases their risk..not co-sleeping. When you look at the research many "cosleeping" deaths are actually, cosleeping on the couch (duh), moms who are on meds/narcotics/sleeping pills/ drunk dad/ improper sleeping conditions: too many pillows, too hot, waterbed, improper fitting mattress, squished against the wall etc. That's dumb parenting, not co-sleeping perse that killed those babies.
http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/faq.html This is the web site that details the research and guidelines for cosleeping. Dr McKenna is foremost on cosleeping. Now, on to sex. yeah we have sex, plenty now. Many times it was in the living room, sometimes we took our dtr to her bed after she was asleep..she would stay in her room once asleep. I don't think it ever interefered with our sex life. BUT my husband and I 100% agree on having the girls in/out of our beds...that is the foundation of our marriage, we agree on this so we find ways to make it work. I have found working with moms on a daily basis that this is a great way of parenting for many moms...and also understand some moms are not up to it. I certainly don't fault them for not wanting to sleep with their babies, just understand we all parent in different ways, and most kids who have loving parents turn out just fine! This was all said with kind heart and an earnest desire to answer the questions you have. Hope it helps!

I am not against it, nor am I completely for it. My children as infants ( as well as my 4 month old now), have slept in my room in thier own bed which was right next to my bed ( touching my bed), because when my infants are new or young, I want them right there, so I can hear them for feedings, as well as I have always been afraid of sids and I felt if they were close to me then I could watch them through the night, and not have to keep getting up.. it made me feel at ease, also, with this new one, I have a 6yr old daughter that has mama hen syndrome, so by keeping the baby next to me, I can make sure that my daughter isnt "helping" in the middle of the night, once again for my own sanity and for the protection of "big" sister, But.. I have allowed my children to sleep in my bed, for me it started when me and my ex husband split up, my daughter was about almost 2 and I would wake to find her lying on the floor by my bed sleeping with her blanket, I think she had a fear that i was going to leave too.. So I told her if you wake up you can get in bed with mommy ( I didnt want my daughter sleeping on the floor), so from time to time she would get in bed with me, if she woke in the middle of the night, then it became the same with my son, if my children are sick I have let them sleep with me, so that I could watch them, if they have nightmares and wake up I do not tell them they cant, they are 6 and 4 now and from time to time they do, it doesnt bother me, I am a mom 24 hours a day sometimes they just need me. When they are infants I normally do not put them in bed with me, only for my fear of hurting them, suffocation ect.. But.. my infant now had rsv, she was really sick a few weeks ago, and I was battling a temp with her all night, I did put her inbetween me and my husband.. and she finally fell asleep, she hadnt slept hardly at all in 2 days and I was considering taking her to the hospital.. her temp had gone down and she was sleeping.. I left her there, and the three of us were able to sleep for 3 hours. So I guess I am a middle of the road person, I sometimes do co-sleep and sometimes I dont, but my children all have thier own beds and thier own rooms. Ive given you a few of my reasons hope this helps.

This might sound nuts but for my first child I put one of those thing that you put them in so they can't roll or turn on my bed so i could make sure my child was breathing b/c i was scared as a first time mommy. I at the time didn't believe in co-sleeping. And i kept her away from me. We has a king size bed at the time. by the time she was maybe 3 months i took the thing and moved it but yeah i did that. Know i have had so many i think co-sleeping is good for some months and than moved them to their own bed and if anything start young putting them in their own bed little by little. With my twins i didn't co-sleep with them b/c they were not breastfed but that is a choice i didn't and it don't matter what you do b/c you will have a bond no matter what you do. It is what kind of mom you are.

Hello A.! I am the mother of a 31/2 year old and a 4 month old. When my older son was born, I tried to put him in his crib at night, but he was a terrible sleeper. I breastfed, and getting up so many times a night was really taking a toll on me. I was grumpy and tired, the baby was grumpy and tired and there was no sex going on with my husband. Sleeping together solved all of our problems. I never worried about SIDS (more of a problem in the brain) and was very careful and aware of my son in the bed. My second son loves to sleep in his crib and puts himself to sleep most of the time. All kids are different I guess. I do think my older son needed the security of knowing I was there. He still sleeps with us every now and then, but my husband and I have a great relationship. I don't see anything wrong with co-sleeping, as long as you are safe and both parents agree.

Depending on the situation, I agree with co-sleeping. My son was 4 when he went into his own room (he is now 5 1/2). The bond that my family has now is amazing. He has N. issues going to bed on his own. My physician and I were not concerned about SIDS. She provided me pros and cons and let me make the decision and backed me 100%. My husband and son are inseparable, I think because of co-sleeping. They spend 2 hours every day playing games, sports, or horsing around. They spend Saturday mornings at Home Depot for kids building and most Sunday afternoon playing outside (if it’s not too cold!) My son and I snuggle and read two books every night.

I think physicians try to provide you with as much “medical knowledge” as they can. I think it’s up to the individual and how they feel to make the final decisions. Is co-sleeping right for your family? You are the only one who can answer that question. I know it was a wonderful experience for mine and I would absolutely do it again.

Regarding Sex - Well, that hasn't suffered at all! We have gotten VERY creative (my dinning room table is clean!)

Personally I have co-slept with both of my children. My children actually sleep better with us near them than if they are in their own room. My daughter is in her toddler bed in our room for part of the night. She does start out in her own room. My son was on the floor right next to our bed but I moved him just recently to our bed and both are fine. I think dr.s just don't like the idea because some of the bedding we have on our bed can be to fluffy or that fear of someone rolling on top of their child. In most poverty countries everyone sleeps all together. We feel that we need to have our space and put the children in their room.
Now for the imtamicy part, well we are expecting number 3 so it is possible. I feel it makes our marraige stronger and more appreciative of each other. My husband understands why I feel that we should have our children close by. I think ours just stems from when my daughter was first home she stopped breathing twice in the bassinet. Fortunately I was folding laundry when I was there for both instances. She also was breastfeed and had to eat every two to three hours thoughout the night which also started the habbit. We faught this for three months when I finally gave into her needs. When my son was born I just understood that this is a possbility. It is a whole lot easier to feed them when they are right there then waking up fully to get out of bed and to go and feed. What is interesting is I have a SIL who is totally against this until she just had their first and now she is totally for it. He is only 6 weeks old and she is feeding him every three hours. It basically boils down to your comfort and your life style. I am the care taker of my children while my husband works. So if he is working late I am the one that has to put them to bed and sometimes it is just easier to have them in the same room so he does not wake them up with coming into the house. My daughter's room and my sons room are up against the garage so if he comes in late they can hear the door open. But again this is all based on comfort and what your life style is.

My definition of co-sleeping is having a bassinet next to the bed. My children have coslept with us until 3-4mos. I'm breastfeeding and it's convenient to turn over pick up the baby feed them, and put the baby back to bed. It allowed me to get more sleep. Also the children get more sleep. I will honestly admit wherever your child will sleep as long as it is safe works for me. My son has slept in the bouncy seat, swing, on me, in his bassinet, and more recently since month 3 his crib. I know put him down for naps and every night in his own bed. But I can understand why people cosleep.

We are actually one of the only societies that DOESN'T co-sleep. Most people from other countries can't believe how cruel we Americans are. Think about it. You're just born, brand new to the world. You're used to being surrounded by warmth. Suddenly you are thrust into a bright, cold and sterile world. The only comfort you have is your mother's embrace and her loving voice. Then it's time to sleep. You are put in a dark room all by yourself. You have to cry to get attention. Sometimes it takes awhile for someone to answere, you fear you have been left alone. Does that sound pleasant? We chose to co-sleep because I felt that my daughter needed the security. I also breastfed and it was so much easier to roll over in the middle of the night and feed her. We spoke with several people about co-sleeping and we followed the rules. No heavy blankets, put the baby in the middle of the bed and absolutely no drinking while the baby was in our bed. Not even one drink. It's actually very rare that a parent rolls on their child while sleeping. In most cases it's because the parent has been drinking, doing drugs or is on medication. I had a c-section and co-sleeping was just much much easier for me. My husband agreed. We transitioned my daughter to the pack n play when she was 4 months old and to her own bed at 6 months. I wanted her to sleep with us longer, but our bed just wasn't big enough! She still sleeps with us when she's sick or just having a bad night. Our sex life is just as active as it was before I had my daughter. Even when she was sleeping with us, we still had an active sex life. You just learn to get creative ;) Just as you don't understand how parents can co-sleep, I don't understand how parents can't. It was an amazing experience and I still love snuggling with her at night. When she sleeps with us and wakes up, she pats my face or arm with her little tiny hands. It really is wonderful. It's at those times I feel closest to her. There's no other distractions, just us and sleep.

It was more out of ease for me. I'm a single mom, I was going to school full time, working a full time job, studying late and sharing a room. My son would ALWAYS start out in his own bed, and was normally there for most the night. I did homework in the room and he would sleep through that just fine. When the room got silent he would wake up, be hungery and want me. The first few weeks I sat in a rocking chair would put him back to bed, but I started to fall asleep in the rocking chair. I felt we were more safe in the bed...and with it just the two of us there was plenty of room. Then he got sick. He had breathing problems b/c of infection after infection. Non-smoking home, part time day care (infections were NEVER the same as what daycare had going around), and otherwise very healthy. He slept best propped up on my chest. by 18 months he had his first surgery (now at 5 getting ready for #2). At 2 years I weaned him from my bed, and at 3 years we had a bed time routine down that he didn't need me in the room to fall asleep anymore. It's still just the two of us at 5 years, but we do better not co-sleeping at this stage (he sleeps better and I sleep better in our own beds!) By co-sleeping sometimes I could give him human contact that he wanted and yet really be sleeping, which I needed.

I co-slept with the oldest of my 3 kids. It did tremendously cut into our intimate time. Also we had problems with the fact that she needed one of us in bed with her to fall asleep as she got a few months old and that was difficult. Also it was very difficult to transfer her into her own bed when my husband and I could no longer withstand the intimacy issues. My youngest 2 did not co-sleep and they are both very adjusted children. My oldest (the one that co-slept)is actually less affectionate than my youngest 2. She is not a very cuddly child. On the other hand my youngest 2 are very afeectionate children. So my personal belief is that there is no benefit to co-sleeping and all you are doing is taking a risk with your baby's well being. I tend not to judge parents who co-sleep as I have myself been there. I can just say from my experience that I have not seen ANY positive outcomes from it. Also I don't consider having a child sleeping in a bassinet or cradle by your bed co-sleeping as I did that for the first few months of my youngest childrens lives. I consider co-sleeping physically in the bed with you. I just wanted to clear up my opinion bc I have seen some people who believe that co-sleeping is also the baby just being by your bed. I had no intimacy issues during the time my children were in a bassinet beside my bed. Good Luck on your info search and I hope my experience helped!

Hi A. great question...and it nice that you have an open mind about this and are willing to learn about it...I am a huge fan of co sleeping...I have 6 beautiful little ones from 12yrs to 8 mos I breastfed all 6 of my kids for different lengths....in the first few months that is the only way I got any sleep was to put the babies in bed with me ( husband slept on couch/needed sleep for work) I tried the arms reach coleeper but it didnt work I still had to get up turn on a light and same thing for when I was done nursing..it was so much easier to just put the baby in bed let them eat when they wanted and for how ever long they wanted ...around 4- 5 mos they went to there own crib in there own room...and did fine ...except for my last baby he is 8 mos old and is sitll in my room he s not nursing any more but still wakes up at night at least 1 time if not 2...but as soon as I put his chuncky butt in bed with me he sleeps with out a bottle or anything....so I do believe it makes them feel more safe...and he was close to me for 9 mos nad then slept with me until I stopped nursing him now he just needs me and I am ok with that I would rather sleep and have the other 5 kids sleep than listen to him be upset and cry just because he is lonely...I will continute to try and have him sleep in his own bed and my plan is to move him to his own room...if I have more children I will keep the same habit ..a very close friend lost her baby to sids at 4 mos he was breastfed they did not smoke and he was in his own room....sids is sudden for no reason...I feel safer with my baby at arms reach so I know they are breathing and I can feel them warm next to me..hope this helps....oh and you can only do what YOU feel is right for you and your family!!! Good luck

Well, wasn't sure if you needed to hear anymore about co-sleeping, but i'll tell you, i have 6 children, ages twins who just turned 1, up to age 16. My first 4 slept with me because it made nursing easier and i loved having them in the bed with me. I never had a fear of rolling over on them or suffocating them. But it was hard getting them to sleep in their own beds, but they finally did. with my twins, i would prefer them not sleeping with me and my husband, it's too crowded, but that's the only way i can get any sleep, even if its not good sleep. Not sure how i'm going to get them out of our bed! But i do think co-sleeping is a personal decision and not for everyone. In the beginning with my twins, they both slept on me! I didn't get any sleep that way, their every wiggle and squirm disturbed me! But for awhile that's the only way they would sleep and even tho i was extremely sleep deprived, i never feared suffocating them either and they never fell off of me.

Just alittle note on this subject, as I myself a mother of two ( 1 ten year old and one 10 mo old daughter) am very much a neutral party due to only having experience this time around because my dauaghter decided that she was " insecure" from the time she started teething in november until now...
but we are trying to ween her from our bed in order for her to enjoy her own space in her room in her BRAND NEW crib.

Some families just choose to co sleep and have their children near them its a bonding experience they wish to share and that is their perogative but for us the ones that do not see the use in it or approve of it ( I personally only did not care for it due to the SIDS issue and such ) otherwise privacy as well ...because man and wife should be able to have their privacy to which co sleeping causes issues within the marriage when both parents do not agree ( totally another topic for another time!) but lol! over all?
its just CHOICE! So be it.

I just wanted to say though or more so ask you " what brought this up?" LOL!? right now trying to get my daughter to go back into her own bed , so you can see where I stand with it all , I dont get paranoid because I am very very verrrrrry picky of how she sleeps and where she is in correlation to where we are in the bed......I sleep still so does my husband she is the one thats all over like a monkey! ( we put her in the center and she has no pillow and our bed is a KING).

You've gotten lots of good input from several people who are for and against co-sleeping, so I won't really go into all that because you don't really need another opinion on the matter (though I am very much for co-sleeping as long as it is done safely). But, there is one thing that kept coming up (and some addressed it as well). SIDS has no cause, so I don't see how co-sleeping can increase the chances of it happening. As several have mentioned, it's poor sleeping environments that lead to death in co-sleeping. In fact, co-sleeping can help to decrease the chances of SIDS. Have you ever heard that babies like to mimic? Well, this goes beyond just making silly faces and noises. When babies sleep close to their parents, they also mimic breathing patterns. With SIDS (if I remember correctly), babies simply stop breathing. So, if they are near a parent, they continue to breathe regularly and in a good pattern because they mimic the breathing of the parents.

I just wanted to add that little bit of information in there too. Just do what is right in your heart. I co-slept with my daughter and am currently co-sleeping (some) with my son. I transition them to a portable crib that is next to my bed when I begin to sleep more soundly. Both have rolled off of me once, so I change our positions. Once I feel that I am sleeping too soundly to feel safe, they go to the crib. My daughter just moved to a big crib in another room (living room) a couple months ago while I was pregnant with my son because I needed more sleep and she had outgrown the portable crib. She was 18-months or so at the time.

Good luck and God bless,
A.

Hi A.. Thanks for asking this question. I too have never really understood wy some families co-sleep and am interested to see the responses you get. My children are 2 and 4 months and both have been sleeping through the night since they were 2 months old. By sleeping through the night I mean 8 - 10 hours at night. I honestly believe it's because I put them in their own room, with no monitor. The only time I use a monitor is when they are upstairs, and I'm down stairs. My philosophy is: if they need me, I will hear them, and I do. It's worked great for us.
However, I am not against co-sleeping, you need to do what's best and what works for your family...

I think that is a very valid and appropriate question.
I liked having my sons close to me when they were little but I was afraid me or my spouse would somehow roll on top of them which is a risk (I am not sure if you were referring to this as SIDS but I won't call it SIDS cause it would have a definite cause here).
In the first week my youngest would sleep like a baby if he would lay on my chest and cry his lungs out if I put him in the basinet next to me. I had a c-section so I was not turning yet in my sleep and found it very comforting myself too.
I do not co-sleep though. I already find it hard to be intimate with my spouse when my boys are in their own room let alone when they would sleep in my bedroom?
Anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts. I am not pro nor am I against co-sleeping.

To be honest, for us it happened by accident. We had every intention of putting our new baby boy into his crib after moving him from his bassinet. However, he refused to sleep there. At the time we were both working and getting a good nights sleep became important after my maternity leave was up. We did not believe it CIO and I began looking into what we could/should do and all things pointed to co-sleeping with our son.

Our marriage required a little creativity but not so much that it was harmful to our marriage. We both new that our arrangement was temporary and that our kiddos would only be little for a short while. Now, our kiddos are 4 and 6 and willingly sleep in their own beds. However, they know that if they awake in the night and are scared, cold, ill, etc, they are more than welcome to crawl into bed with Mommy and Daddy for some reassurances and snuggles. And honestly, they don't come in very often anymore...

Not long ago there was an article in a parenting magazine proving that while SIDS risks can be increased the benefits are definately there. However, for some reason my mind is now blank and I can't for the lift of me remember where I was going with all of this...Maybe the fact that both kiddos have decided to climb all over me has something to do with that...LOL!

I grew up being adopted by my grandparents. My mother wanted nothing to do with me as a baby.
Our family is a very tight knit bond. My grandmother would tell me that her mom would sleep with the babies for the first 2 yrs of life. They had 11 kids. So obvasiously there was no problem with having sex.

My sister in law co-slept with her 4 children. She plans on it for the new baby. They all slept in a cradle by her bed. The little boy died of SIDS. The doctor didn't say it was cause of co-sleeping.

My sister's son died of SIDS in a swing. He wasn't co-slept he slept in his own room.

I have 3 children. My oldest is 10. She still comes in bed when her little sister won't let her get sleep. She co-slept with us until she was 3. Then came back for like 6 months when we moved.

My son is nearly 4. He slept with us till like 8 months. I was then pregnant and couldn't handle him kicking anymore. When he broke an electrical outlet in his room at 2 1/2 He came back to our room. He will leave for a couple of months and then come for awhile.

My daughter is 2 1/2. She slept exclusively with me for the first year of life. She slept in our room till age 2. Then the last 6 months with her big sister.

We have had no problem being intimate. Our marriage is still just as strong. Actually stronger.

Night before last my youngest came to sleep with me. She had a bad dream. She curled up next to me and rubbed my face till she fell asleep.

Keep in mind that some people co-sleep by either having a little 'basket' thingie that the baby sleeps in while in bed, in between the parents or in a bassinet next to the bed. There is also a three-sided co-sleeper device that has an open side that 'slides' in between the mattress and the box spring.

We decided to never bring our child into the bed with us because I did not want to encourage that behavior only to get to a point where it would need to end and the child would feel like he or she was kicked out of our room and sent away. Other people feel differently and they are certainly entitled to their opinions and to do what is in the best interest of their family's needs. For us, it is not an option.