Good Afternoon
some ten years ago, my father cheated on my mom with a family memeber, she found out, he dissapeared for three days, then came back, then my mom took him back. he left again ten days later WITH "HER". He said he was under a "spell" and did not wish to go But was made?
anyway, during the time that he was gone , my family and I basically suffered the consequences of his actions, we were shunned by his family and the "church" family, ( he was a pastor at the time) this all left me very angry and hurt;it was all very traumatizing to me. also, during the course of this time, i was told by him, i was the reason he left, i was nothing, i was a bad kid, i would ammount to nothing, etc etc.
i was 20 when all this happened BUt it still took me a long to time to come to terms with it,
he came back 13 months ago and left who he was with , and asked my mom to take him back, SHE DID!
HE IS NOW BACK WITH MY MOTHER, AND NOW I FEEL LIKE no time passed, i feel hurt and angry all over again.
am i just being childish in feeling this way again? i even feel like i have been pulling back from my mother, i kind feel upset at her also!
any input, thanks.
Thank you so much Ladies for your responses, Im gonna try to maybe look into therapy to help me figure something out. Thanks again.! have a wonderful day.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!That stinking SOB! you have every reason to still be upset. I'm upset and it didn't even happen to me. You did nothing wrong. He was wrong in every way. Get some counseling because I really think you need it, and completely see why.
P.S. Hey give me his address I'd be glad to kick him in the head repeatedly with soccer cleats. :) I could pretend it's my dad!
You, my dear... are NOT being childish. You have every reason to be pissed off at your dad, and confused and hurt as to why your mom keeps taking this loser back, despite all he did to her and you. Your mom must have very low self worth and/or is very lonely and desperate.
Please trust in yourself and trust your feelings. I think your doubt in your reaction is related to the hell you have been through with all this. Total crazy making behavior! No matter how wacky your parents are behaving hang on to yourself and trust what you know and feel. Blessings!
What a horrible thing to say to your child (regardless of their age). When parents split up, it is never their child's fault. Even IF the child has done something, the adults make the decision to stay or go and to me it sounds like he was trying to put the blame of his lack of responsibility and poor judgement on to someone else. Shame on him (for his actions and his blaming)!
You are not being childish but you are definately having an emotional response. You probably feel that you mother has "slapped you in the face" so to speak since she has taken him back after all this time and after all he's said. You can't make them do what you want or think is best. What I suggest for you is counseling to help you deal with your feelings so you can move past this and at least come to terms with your parents regardless of the relationship you end up having (or not) with them.
Wow, talk about dysfunctional.
I am so sorry. You never should have been put through all of this. Parents are supposed to protect their children and that includes the choices they make.
Your father is a real piece of work. It was all about him back then and now it is all about him again. You are all supposed to welcome him with open arms and forget everything he put you all through?
Have you ever gone to a therapist to work through all of this. Did you have a heart to heart with your mother about all of this even 10 years ago or since that time? Was she able to share what REALLY went on.. The story your father used sounds very shifty. No one can control another person.
As children we do not always know the truths about our parents relationships. Your father sounds so self centered. He not only broke your heart, he placed the blame on you, which is terrible.. You did not make him do anything. He was a grown man and made the choice.
He owes you and your mother a huge apology and I am sure it will take double the time for him to ever gain your trust.
Please go and speak with a therapist and work through all of your emotions and figure out what will be best for YOUR mental health.
There are some people we have to protect ourselves from. He may be one of these people.
I hope you can also go as a family to therapy so an outsider that is a professional can guide you all on rebuilding these relationships or help you all decide this is not a good choice.
If you find the situation upsetting and traumatic then try counseling. Your mother may be making a mistake but it is her mistake to make. You can only only change your own actions and feelings. You do not have to have a relationship with your father if he continues to treat you (and likely your mom) badly. It may be tricky to avoid him if he is with your mom but it is okay to put your own mental health first.
Isn't it incredible the power that a parent has over the emotional well-being of a child? We would all do well to remember this with our own children. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I think your emotions are totally normal. He is your daddy. And he has done horribly wrong things to you (by cheating on your mom and the things he said to you). Try to put it aside as you live your life now. Don't dwell on it. It won't do anything good for you or your family. Support your mom. I'm not sure what else you can do. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
For what it's worth, I would have trouble with that scenario, too. (Trouble? You ain't seen trouble! "Under a spell?" I'd put him under something else!)
Quite frankly, what your mother does is her business. It would make me distance myself, too; but she really doesn't have to answer to you. Maybe one day she will be able to share what's been going on inside her and influencing her decisions.
But, of course, when your father took his original action, it affected so many more people than his wife. It's very common to think, "I'm an adult, and I can do what seems right to me, and anybody else can just deal with it; my life is my own business." Not so. Just look at what you've written - the effect was like ripples in a pond. Many, many people were hurt - probably more than you'll ever know. That's what happens. He hurt his whole congregation and they, being at a loss, hurt you.
I can't tell you how angry thinking about this whole thing makes me!
And you are STILL hurt. You are probably not the only one still hurt.
I wouldn't say you're being childish now, but you're probably re-living the feelings you had ten years ago (even though you were not a child then). It would be like a nightmare returning to haunt you - something out of a movie.
You do realize, I hope, that you are not to blame for any of your father's actions, no matter what he has said at *any* time.
If it were me, I would look for a counselor who could help me sort out my feelings. The last thing you want is for all this to have an effect on your own marriage and family.
If you haven't turned your back on church altogether, it might interest you to know that there are counselors in some church denominations who specialize, so to speak, in circumstances like yours. Or so I have been told. They are around because those few bad apples in the barrel do SO much damage.
No you are not being childish. You have every right to be upset. Its only natural that those feelings would resurface again because he came back.
I am still amazed that your Mother took him back. She must be crazy or still loves him.
Either way, you need to talk to your Mom about your feelings. You should really talk to both of them. Sit them both down and tell them exactly how you feel about all of it, and yeah they probably wont like it, and yes it will be hard, tears and all but you have to get it out of your system and out in the open for them to know. It will eat you up inside if you dont, and you dont deserve to be treated like that, and made to feel bad. Again.
It must be terribly hard on you, and I can see why you are upset. Any person would be. Its an awful thing that your father did to you back then. But you cant let what you Mother decides now, and all the ridiculousness of your father, consume you and your life.
You have to talk honestly to them, and get it out, and try to move on.
Think hard about what your expectations of them are and prepare yourself for typical answers like "I love him too much" "I didnt know what I was thinking when I left" etc, etc, etc.
And decide where you even WANT your relationship to lay with them.
Hard and difficult decisions but something that has to be done.
Dont let anyone make you feel bad or guilt you about what you do decide to do though. You are an adult, and if you do or do not decide to continue a relationship is up to you.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive then kudos for you, but if you decide to walk away then that is YOUR decision.
Best wishes to you.
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You are not being childish! Your dad sounds like a selfish a***** and I would probably never speak to him again ever. I am not saying to do this but just sayin this isn't something to just get over. I would want to knock your mom upside the head to knock some sense into her. :-/ No real adivise just an I am sorry.
No, it is not childish to be upset. You've been hurt very badly by someone who made horrible decisions in his life and then chose to blame you. I'm sorry he blamed you. I hope you are in a place that you know his actions had nothing to with you! i'm also sorry you were treated so badly by the people around you...family and church. These are the people that should have been there at the time. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't. I don't feel you are being childish adn it's completely understandable that you'd be angry at your mother as well. Do you have someone you can talk to?
You have every right to be upset. Your father is a real piece of work & your mother is a wounded co-dependent. I am so sorry that this happened to you. Do NOT believe the lies that your father told you about yourself...they are just that--LIES. I strongly recommend that you get some counseling to cope with the wounds that your family & church family inflicted on you. I highly recommend The Christ Life Solution as a means of coping with all of the wounds that all of this has caused. Their website is: www.christlifesolution.org...email them and see if there is a group near you. It will really, really help you sort all this out. (((Hugs))))
