Whining All of the Sudden

When my son was small, he tried the whining bit, I just wouldn't respond to the whining. I would tell him, "I don't understand when you talk like that." If he was whining that he was thirsty, I would say, "Can I please have some water?" I just did that untill he said it nicely without whining. If you give him what he wants when he whines, you reinforce poor behavior. Let him know though, that you are waiting for him to ask nicely, not just ignore him completely. Give him the words and the tone that is appropriate.

Extinguish the whining the same was a temper tantrums. Ignore it. Tell him that you can't understand or hear him until he says in in a non-whiny voice.

Also, see if there are thing to help with around the house. Maybe he can bring things to you or kind of "help" with the house work as much as he is able. I know 13 months is young. When a child feels useful then he/she feels better about himself as well.

when he starts to whine, calmly explain that you cannot understand him when he whines (even though you can) and that you will not listen to him when he does. After that, ignore him until he speaks in a normal voice. As soon as he stops the whining, pay attention to him and listen to what he needs. You will need to explain it to him a few times (maybe more) but then, just ignore him. Yes, at first, he may whine all the more but that will be short lived until he sees that you will not listen to him until he speaks in a normal voice.

I think 13 months is too young. He will not understand that he's being removed because of the whining.

Are you sure he's not tired...? I have a 14 month old and she's a good baby and the only way I know she's tired and ready for a nap is because she just starts getting fussy. If I put her down she'll cry/fuss. She gets like that when she wants to go nite nite.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean about whining at that age. I wonder if you mean fussing...? My almost four year old son can whine but but 14 month old duaghter doesn't. She doesn't really have vocabulary besides a few words.

Great advice I've been given is that all things that kids do are short lived. This phase is sure to pass!
Best of luck.

K.,

He may just be whining because he wants you to hold him/cuddle with him for a minute or two. My daughter is 17 months and already into her terrible twos and sometimes that's all she wants. She uses "mama" for everything. There are times where she'll walk up to me with her arms up and mamamamamamamama coming out of her mouth. I'll pick her up give her a hug and set her on my lap. As soon as she's comfortable she'll slide down and go about her way.

Is your son walking independently yet? If he is I don't see a problem with plopping him on the floor in the middle of his room and telling him that he can whine in his room, but not where the family is. I've done it with my daughter, leaving the door mostly closed, but she's still able to open it herself. I wouldn't want to lock him in with no way out.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi K.,

I have found that the whining is an attention thing. Ecen now my daughter does this, and generally I ignore it until she stops. I agree with the other post, maybe he just needs some mom time. :) It is hard to stay patient when the whining occurs, but all kids just need a hug and and I love you once in a while. Sounds like you are a good mom as a provider for his needs, the whining can get old I agree. We just have to learn to look past it and see what it really means. Many Blessings to you and your family. :)

K.S.

In my house, I don't "hear" whines. It's a foreign language that I don't understand. When any of my boys tried to whine at me, I looked at them with puzzlement and say, "Sorry sweetie, I can't understand what you're saying. You need to use your big boy voice." If the whining continues, I just say, "Sorry, but Mama doesn't understand. Come tell me when you find your big boy voice, okay?" Then I walk away and get "busy" with something else.

(I think the harshest thing you can (reasonably) do to a toddler is ignore them. They love, love, love to be the center of attention and NO attention is worse than negative attention. If a behavior gets them ignored, they learn pretty darn quickly NOT to engage in that behavior!) A side benefit of not allowing whining is that encourages children to build their communication skills. Whiney children tend not to verbalize what they want/need, they point, fuss and cry.

My big reason for wanting to raise non-whiney children (other than the obvious reasons) is because when I worked in the childcare industry I noticed that whiney children are the most unpopular kids with the adults - and are often likely to be more unpopular with their peers. Most adults get irritated by whining, and when an adult is dealing with a number of children they don't have the time or inclination to try to interpret whines. I darn sure didn't want my children's future Kindergarten teacher to have any reason to dislike or be annoyed by them!

Other moms gave great advice but wanted to throw in my two cents.

I understand this time is a big one for milestones, independence, etc. Sometimes the little guys need a bit more reassurance from Mom during these phases. As they explore their world more they need to know the firm, supportive base of Mom and Dad are still there. Ignoring it completely might undermine his trust in you.

Basic needs for this age also include assurance, cuddling, and love. They're just learning their independence and should be supported as they grow.

Good Luck.

Well, one thing i have noticed with my daughter when she started doing this whining bit was "walk away from her". When she notices nobody is paying attention she has no reason to whine. When it gets to the point of whining louder walk into the other room out of sight and wait it out. It worked for me.

I think we all whine, from time to time (smile) but if you’ve ruled out any obvious illness (ears was always our big culprit), why he’s seeking the attention to begin with, etc….you could try what we did when the phase hit strongly. With our daughter (now almost 10), it was very early. Her comprehension and ability to communicate was very strong so 12 and 13 months…the whine snuck in. Somewhere along the line, I responded when the whine was revealed and all the sudden that was her voice choice. I would make sure I reassured her that her thoughts, feelings and words were important but that my ears couldn’t hear that tone of voice, easily, and asked that she please use her big girl voice. Or, I would ask her to make another choice with her tone. Our son is 2 and I’ve used the same method with him, and it works great. If he starts with the whine, he will go low, low, lower and lower, until he gets a response from me. The moment I hear him use that “non whine” tone, I respond and of course tell him what a great job he did using his big boy voice. By the way, I still use that with my 10 year old daughter (laughing). It helps put a giggle to any attitude and set us in another motion.
Good luck!

Pretty much EVERY kid whines. However, what I did (and I saw a friend do it, so I'm not the one who came up with it) is I just told my daughter, "I'm sorry, I don't understand you when you whine. Could you speak normally?" The first few times she'd still try to whine, but I'd just shake my head and say I didn't understand.

It turns out she wanted to be understood more than to whine, so now, when this happens (and it still does, believe me), I just remind her I can't understand whine, and she drops it and speaks the way she can. It REALLY worked for me!

My son is about 19 months, he also comes in and whines at me. Can't talk yet, but can whine! Hadn't thought of it that way before, but I guess it's a form of communication! It is not often, but perhaps once a day. What I have figured out he means is he wants to sit on my lap and snuggle for a bit. When he's done with his lovin', he goes on his way.

My older sons (ages 3 and 6) do whine with words...this is a different thing. They are doing it for a myriad of reasons, to get attention or love rarely, usually to get something else. I usually respond with an "Do you hear something? I only hear things in a normal tone of voice" or "My ears don't hear whining" - and they change over to a regular voice. This took a little training, but not much. After 2-3 times of discussion, the point was learned.

My middle one uses a baby voice at times, too. In that case, we tell him to speak in his big boy voice, which also works well. He stops and switches over immediately.

Children learn to "whine" when their needs are not being met and their requests to have their needs met are being ignored - it is a last resort after trying to get your attention in quieter ways. In your list of "basic needs" I don't see you including such nonmaterial needs as receiving your undivided attention, being held, being interacted with and played with and stimulated. These are at least as important as the material needs. You are right about not doing time out. I don't think time out is ever a good idea but absolutely not for a child this age who is only doing the very best he can to try to get you to hear and respond to his needs. I'm not sure what you mean by "whining" exactly, his tone of voice? I assume he isn't talking much yet and may be frustrated in trying to communicate with you. Learning some simple sign language with him could be a wonderful tool for the two of you to communicate and spend some special time together, and generally just tuning in more to his changing needs as he grows and develops, and helping him learn how to express his needs in a more clear way. At this age he still needs your full attention and response to his needs. And of course his needs change some as he grows, and you need to realize that things that made him happy before won't necessarily make him happy now. I'm glad that you are able to stay at home with him and have this wonderful opportunity to grow with him.

Hi K.,
I have read all the respods you have already gotten in order not to repeat what advise you have already gotten. It is all very good, with a couple things left out. Such as is he teething, I found when my little ones would start whining for no known reason, it was most likly due to this. At this age it is so hard to find out what is wrong because of their lack of speach and still not understanding words and comunication. This makes it hard for them to understand about using big boy words, although some childern do.
Alot of times when teething starts exspecailly on the eye and back teeth it makes the ears hurt or just a deep discomfort, something again they don't understand.
If it is not any of the above or what has already been suggested, and all is good and loving has been given, I would say your little one has learned to push moma's buttons, OH, they do learn so young. Only you can put a stop to it. Which would mean to tell him, he is just fine and if he wants to stop whinning, and showing him how he sounds, you will be more then happy to talk to him but until he stops, you don't want to hear it, so you are going into another room until he stops. If he follows youand is still whinning, tell him no, he must stay where he is until he stops. It may take a day or two and alot of patiances (spelling bad) on your part, but it will work.
Good Luck

At 13 months of age, your son is old enough to put in time out. The rule of thumb is one minute for each year of age, so roughly a minute of time out every time he whines should work. In time out, he does not get to play with toys or talk or interact with you.

Have you tried signing? Sometimes--especially when children are that young, I think--they whine because it is a means verbal communication. When my kids learned a few basic signs--milk, more, done--they seemed to whine a lot less.

Good luck!

One suggestion that worked for my family was simply to say 'I don't understand your words when you cry while you are talking. Can you say the words calmly and then I can help you.' I would usually get down to eye level and say this calmly and just wait while he worked to find the words and say them without the whine in his voice. I then repeated back his request: You want me to stop washing the dishes and play with you. The next part of the situation depended on the situation i.e. I need to finish my work but can play with you in five minutes, and so forth. HOpe this helps.

I tell my son, "I'm sorry, I don't understand you when you whine, please use your big boy voice, so I can understand you".

It works well!

S.

I agree with the "I can't hear you when you're whining" advice. But stopping what you're doing and focusing on the child to say it is key. Also, don't give in to the "half-whine". Respond with "You're still whining, I can't understand you when you're whining" Whining (as both my children, and my husband can tell you) is definetly my pet peeve. So I practice this stop and focus method for myself as well as them. It's also important to give real time-frames for "later" (as in, after I do this one task), not just say "in a minute" which kids don't understand. Be consistent, and make sure others don't undermine the idea and allow for whining. Also, pay attention to when the whining is for getting attention versus, needing a nap (I don't mean punish with a nap, I mean the boy is genuinely tired). And also, at 13 months, he probably just wants to be more involved with whatever you are doing. Try creating a task for him to do to help you, as opposed to trying to keep him occupied while you are trying to get something done. For example, I do the "find all the socks" when I'm folding laundry, and it is a great percursor to learing how to match and group when your son is older. Hope this helps!

Hi K.,
I know how annoying this can be. Children at this stage are starting to realize that they have a voice, a need, a want and are starting to learn how to use these tools. I would encourage him to use words when asking for what he may want. I don't have too much advice, but just know that you are not alone on the whinning thing. My son is like this as well.

I have a 15 month old that is doing the same thing, although it's hard to differentiate between "whining" and "fussing" at that age. (Trust me, when your son is older, you'll learn the difference.) He either just wants to be cuddled for a minute, or if he wants something else, we've taught him a sign for "please" (he's no where close to talking) and have him point to what it is. I am working on teaching him more signs (milk, bath, eat). It helps when they know how to let you know what they want.

Hey there. He probably just needs to be cuddled, snuggled, kissed, and nuzzled. At this age children get VERY insecure as they realize they are seperate from Mom and Dad. I would hold him and read or watch his favorite cartoon. Or, just sit and try and snuggle him! Most one year olds will want down in under five minutes if they got their lovins and there is nothing else to do:) I would deffinately NOT ignore him or punish him. He really is just a baby still. He is needing reassurance right now. Trust me--I have four boys! From 11 years to 21 mos.

my son did that too. sometimes i'd just let him be and he would realize it didn't get him any attention. my son is 17 months old, by the way. it started up a bit so lately i've picked a spot and set an alarm for 1 min, it's a min per age so at 5 you can have him sit for 5 min etc. and he will sit there and throw his fit, when he is done and there is still time left i make sure he sits till the alarm beeps so he knows he has to wait for that beep. it has worked so far. good luck. these phases stink but stick to your word and it will become easier

I agree with the "I can only hear you in your normal voice" advice. But I also remember someone writing recently that sometimes you just have to set aside what you're doing and give them an extra snuggle. In fact, that mom wrote that as an affectionate game, she would over-snuggle in response to neediness, until it became a giggly game. ("Oh, are you done? Well I need a little more--snuggle snuggle snuggle!")

As babies become more independent, they sometimes need more reassurance as well--that you're still there to help them out and protect them. He might just be passing through a stage of being a little intimidated by his own power and any associated expectations of him.