Whiney 2 Year Old and a Very Disrespectful 13 Year Old Step-daughter

Hi K.,
Congratulations on the new baby. It is very normal for a 2 year old to be demanding of mommy when there is a new baby. I wouldn't respond to the shrieking, but I would pay her extra attention. When you know it's going to be feeding or diaper time soon, pay her some attention first. Let her know you're giving her lunch first, and feeding the baby second, or diapering her first and the baby is last. My daughter was older, 4 years old, when her brother was born but at times he would fuss and I'd be in the middle of something with my daughter. If he wasn't really crying but just fussing, I'd say so my daughter could hear, "You need to wait a couple of minutes, I'm busy with Kayleigh right now." Let your daughter know when she comes first. Pay her extra attention at a time that you're not tending to baby. Have a special basket of toys and things that only come out when you're feeding or bathing the baby. Good luck with the sibling issues
As for the stepdaughter, you said that she very rarely sees her father. If they rarely see each other, I'm not surprised that she doesn't see him as someone to respect, and she barely gets to see him and he has 3 other girls that he lives with. That must feel awful. If he rarely sees her, then he isn't raising her, and there is little control he can have (and less that you can have) over her. I would encourage visiting as much as possible, but if you're afraid of the effect she would have on your girls, the visits should be just her and dad, or when you are at home, or when your girls are not home. I'm sure that she would be appreciative of some time alone with dad - it probably feels bad to her that your girls have him all the time, and even when she's with him, she has to share him.
Good luck!

K.,

I just reread this, and it sounds like I am telling you what to do. They are all suggestions, but I don't have time to go back and rewrite, my son is due up in a few minutes (diaper alert!)

First, I don't have a cure. :) Pick up your two year old. It is likely she is missing you. When you are nursing or tending to your infant, include your baby by having little 'chats' or 'games' with her. Maybe have a few toys reserved for just nursing times. She may be feeling left out of the mothering process. Maybe teach her rock scissors paper, or read her a book when you sit down with the youngest. Pick her up out of the blue, and just give her a hug and kiss. She'll respond.

Another idea, don't respond to her 'whiny' voice. Wait a moment, and say something to the effect of, I didn't quite hear you, can you say that a little better? Or, I didn't hear you can you repeat that? Chances are she will lose the whine trying to remember what it was she said.

Above all, smile, hug, kiss and reward positive behavior, and emulate positive behavior yourself. If you're on your last nerve, get some relief from a friend for a little bit if you can.

Second, Stick To Your Guns. With Grace. You can do this. Set the limits you need for your children. She is 13 years old, and can be given example by grace, not by force or punishment. (not saying you did, do or will, just that it will be a graceful example that will likely work wonders.)

Third, what you can't control, don't worry about. That doesn't mean don't do anything about it - just don't go in circles about what your step-daughter tells her family.

Next, where you haven't bonded with someone more than half your age, you can do it. Time is a factor. (nothing ever gets here instantly!) It may not be perfect, but you may achieve more than you have now.

Above everything else, don't lose yourself trying to make everyone 'happy', just redirect the concerning issues so that they are addressed appropriately. Ask your husband calmly to back you up (not that I sense you are at a breaking point, but calm usually works better than 'this is a horrible person for my children to be exposed to!' Somewhere in the 13 year old has to be a little girl who didn't have needs met somewhere along the way, and she is acting out by getting attention.

Good Luck, and hope you find some balance in there.
Congratulations!
M.

Don't allow your two year old to treat you that way. Time outs or whatever your choice is may help her understand that the behavior won't be accepted. Your step daughter is your family whether you like it or not and the only thing to do is to love her anyways. She may never change but you can change your heart. Best wishes.

You should never try to stop your step daughter from seeing her father b/c of her attitude and the way she dresses. Dont you remeber what it was like to be a teen? Now throw in the fact that she haradly sees her father and he lives with 3 other children, she may resent that. Who knows what her mother is saying to possibly feed the fire so to speak.. Maybe if you put in some effort she will come around. It is hard for a teenager to come around to a step parent if they feel even remotely unwelcome. I know, I've been there done that when I was a child. That girl needs one on one with her father and NO ONE else. It will take time but let it happen. I'll tell you right now, my step father never let me see my father even when he came from Florida to Niagara Falls to visit. I wasnt even allowed to talk to him on the phone. And b/c my step father didnt allow it my mom followed suit and guess what. I resent them both.
Now as for your 2 year old it sounds like you may want to start time out. One minute per year they are old. You could tell her you will not respond to her when she acts such ways. I had issues with my son being whiney all the time and it started at that age. We told him when he acts like that we dont hear him. Good luck. Hope I dont sound rude when responding to your request, please dont take it like an attack or anything as I feel every strongly about the whole step child issue since I was one and went thru it. It is tough and like I said who knows what her mother says. Mine always said negative things about my father and in the end I had/have no respect for her. It backfired in her face. It's only a matter of time I think before your SD comes around. And alone time is key with her father. Make that child feel wanted and welcome and special!

Regarding the 13 year old, I wouldn't stop them from seeing each other, but I think you have two options:

1) Have your husband control the situation if she is disrespectful (ie potty mouth) in front of the kids. If your husband cannot/will not say anything to her, then...

2) Can you take your kids out of the house during their visits? Or, perhaps he can take her out somewhere? It might even make it more special for her as it would be a one on one visit with her dad.

As someone else said, don't feed into her negative behavior with regards to what she has said to his family. It will just give her more to talk about. Something simple like "That isn't nice to say" or "That is rude" should take care of it. Be the adult in the situation. Bickering back and forth just causes more problems.

Regarding your 2-year old, it sounds like she just wants more attention. Whatever attention you can give, I would do that (in terms of giving her your full attention when you can, and spending time with just her without interruptions from the baby, extra affection, things like that).

Regarding your 13 year old, I would make it clear to your husband which of her specific behaviors are inappropriate, and make a plan with him on how to explain the rules and the consequences for breaking them (and make sure the consequences are linked to the bad behavior, not just taking away TV, for example). She should in no way be allowed to continue certain bad behaviors in your home. Good luck!

Ok so let's pull this multi question thing apart into it's pieces. First you sound overwhelmed and you should be. Three kids including a newborn and a 2 yr old is a lot on your plate.

Your 2 yr old is acting like an irrational baby especially when you are trying to take care of you new 3 month old. Why? Because your 2 yr old is still a baby. When you have children close together in age your natural tendency is to try to get the 2 yr old to take on more responsibility which of course they just can't. Add that to the fact that they are going through a period in their life where they alternate between "ME DO!" and "MOMMY ONLY" You'll find it works better if you make special time every day for the 2 yr old so she doesn't feel as put out now that the new baby is around.

As far as your 13 yr old step daughter goes that's a pretty typical relationship. You aren't her mom and she'll let everyone know that you aren't her mom by doing things and saying things that bug you. Here's the thing. You're 25 and she's only 13. You are the grown up so it's your job to rise above it instead of letting her control you. She says bad things to your hubby's family? So what. Don't argue about it or try to explain yourself if it gets back to you. The less you say and do the less of a target you'll become. I'm not suggesting that you be overly nice to her but treat her with respect and accept nothing less from her. If she says something rude to you say "that was very rude." and drop it.

I'd let your husband have her over as much as possible but set the rules with him first. No swearing means everyone including you and your husband. As far as her dressing that's not in your control because you aren't her mom. If you are concerned that your 7 yr old will think that this is how 13 yrs olds dress then you need to speak with her to let her know it isn't.

ok Lets deal with the 2 year old first- She is demanding attention. You cannot ignore and have not ignored the noise because it is so profound. My son did that as well, when she is screeming put the baby on your knee, get down to her level (eye to eye) and tell her I love you "her name" but I will not answer you, pick you up or what ever she is asking for , untill you use your words. Obviously at 2 yrs old her words are limited, please up, hug, mom, something other than EEEEEEEEEEEE. If she does this nicely reward her with undivided attention. I know that cannot be done right away, but tell her that during baby's nap you will play horse back, hid and seek, I spy, something just the 2 of you. she will realize that if she asks correctly she will get what she wants when you can. Alway follow thru though, never make a promise you cannot keep.

Now the Step child- I am sorry you have to deal with that, I understand your concerns about exposing your yourger children to her mouth, but It is your husbands home too, and his children too. I would tell him how you feel and that you would love to meet his request for her to visit him in his house, but you have reservations about... and you need reassurance he would be observant and interveen if this behavior is happening. He has the right for all of his children to know each other; however, there is such an age difference that right now I do not think the step child cares to "play" with the younger kids, so take them out and do something with them while he visits with the 13yr old.

I hope this helps.