When Your BIL/SIL Had a New Addition How Soon Did You Visit?

I would wait and go at Thanksgiving or Christmas. That way it's not just a "go meet the baby" trip. Then each and every time they have some celebration they might expect you to jump.

Meeting the baby and celebrating a holiday is a wonderful opportunity to spend time with the family where the act of visiting a family you aren't close to can be tedious.

I've never really gotten the whole trend that is on here from time to time

"My baby is x months old and so and so haven't even seen them yet and I'm so crushed!"

((I recognize this is a valid thing people go through, but I don't answer them for a reason, it's not something I understand))

For myself, I couldn't care less when some people met my son. They would eventually.

For most of my family, it's the same. One of my SILs is the opposite, and it was "Everyone HAS to be here on day 2". So we went on day 2. Not to have done so would have meant hurting her feelings. So we did it for HER, not the baby, who quite frankly, would have been happier NOT being passed around amongst 40 people and getting sick their first week. But to each their own.

Honestly, if I wasn't very close with my siblings, I wouldn't want them anywhere near me for the first few months. I was not at all in the mood for entertaining after the births of any of my kids. After she delivers, I'd call, offer my congratulations, let them know you would like to come out to visit them when they are up to it, and then leave it at that for a few weeks.

Maybe closer to Christmas or New Year's you could fly out there, making the trip serve the double purpose of being together at the Holidays, and then throwing in the baby visit at the same time.

Honestly, flying with 1 two-year old is not horrendous, as long as you are well prepared--meaning, dvd player, iPad, iPhone, or whatever it is that you can play some movies on.

As for the vacation time from work--it doesn't have to be a long trip--maybe just fly out Thurs or Fri, return Sun or Mon.

Are you planning on visiting over the holidays? That might be a great time to meet the baby. Not everyone is up for out of town guests visit while bonding with the very first baby. Since you are not close with them, calling and sending flowers to the hospital and a welcome baby gift would be a nice gesture.

Unless you're really close, I wouldn't do it.
My brother didn't come out when I had any of my kids. And I would never have expected him to. That's a lot of money and effort to come see a baby. Esp when the parents will probably will have enough going on - adjusting, etc.
There are plenty of ways to show your love. Send a baby gift, send the mom flowers, call often (maybe even skype), ask for lots of pics, etc.
And, then make plans to see the baby at another time when it's convenient - the holidays, next summer, an upcoming vacation, etc.

I would have your husband ask his brother when a good time would be and go from there.

My mom sounds like your MIL and we're always trying to push back! Manipulation through love and money. Exhausting.

I'd call and send something to let them know that you care, but don't push it. Talk to the SIL and let her know the MIL is urging you, but you want to respect the SILs opinion and frankly, can't come right now anyway. If you leave it up to the men, it might not work out as well (ie BIL says "sure come" without asking SIL and she's thinking the opposite).

I'm all for asking the person outright and giving them an easy out and easy way to say "no, not now" without making them feel guilty.

I think the right time for you to go is when:

*You have vacation time you can use
*It fits with your family's schedule
*You can afford the trip (remove this O. if in-laws are willingly paying--just make sure they're not "forcing"!)

It's not that they're on the other side of town!
This is a TRIP that needs some planning.

If you're not close I would wait. Let your husband deal with the in laws...let him decide.

He could call and talk to his brother and asks him...? Maybe your husband should call his brother and say "hey, we would like to come out and meet your baby, but we don't want to come at an invconenient time. We should find a time that works for both of our families."

Added: I live two states away from all of my family. We had family come immeiately, some come months later, and some not at all. Those who came called and said "what is your schedule like? When is good time?"

Those who didn't come, mostly great grandparents who can't travel. So no big deal, the kid(s) and I traveled to them. It was just as exciting if not more for them when the babies were a little older. I was just happy to have people love my babies no matter if they had met them or not.

I leave everyone alone until I'm invited. I will call, send a card, and maybe a care package, but unless I'm invited, I figure all need some space.

I didn't want a hoard of people in my home just after I had my kids!!! I wanted to stay in my comfy yoga pants, nap when the little one napped, not worry about whipping out the boobs for breastfeeding, and relax and get to know my new little one!!! I have 2. A daughter that is 8 and a son that is 3.

Just my opinion, I would wait. It is so overwhelming when you get home from the hospital & people start knocking on doors to visit. It is so sweet of them to do it but you need time to adjust to each other. Maybe b/c I am due in a few weeks myself, but personally, I wouldn't mind if people waited a month or two to visit. A restaurant gift card would be very appreciated I would think. Could you convince her to wait until a month or two when no one stops by to visit & the "newness" is off. Just my opinion.

I would call the SIL myself and get a feel of what her world is like these days and figure out a time that is good for your family & hers and let MIL know your thoughts, if she decides to still foot the bill than awsome! if not than there is your reason....Do it on your time even tho it is still her dime.

I would look at this as a reason to get to know the family for your hubby.

I have two sisters who live out of state. I have never visited my older sister after her kids were born (one is now 3, the other is about 8 weeks old). My older sister is quite well off and has an army of paid staff caring for her children (literally a day nanny, a night nanny and a weekend nanny) so she doesn't exactly need help LOL. My parents normally go to see her a few weeks after she has her children and that sort of suffices as the family visit. The last thing she wants to do is host out of town guests.

I did visit my younger sister a couple of weeks after she had her baby because I happened to be on leave from work and could do so and because no other family could make it down to see her for several months. She is struggling financially and had no help at the time so she really welcomed some help and company for a few days.

My BIL doesn't have any kids but I can pretty much assure you that if/when he does if he still lives out of state, we're not packing up the family to go and visit. I just don't think it's something that parents of a newborn would even welcome. I can't imagine having to entertain my BIL and his SO after having a baby - my BIL was living out of state when our kids were born and it never occurred to me to expect him to make a special trip to visit us.

I understand the suggestions that you talk to your BIL and SIL, and I think that's important. But, keep in mind that this is their first and they probably really have no idea what's about to happen.

While your husband isn't particularly close to his family, this is really a great opportunity to change that. I'm sure your kids would love to know that they met their cousin as a newborn. You could take lots of pictures. It could be an amazing experience for them and for you and your husband as well. Often times siblings bond over being parents. Just a thought.

You definitely need to do what makes sense for your family. Whatever you decide, make sure you tell them with love and kindness. Focus on the positive. You'll never go wrong doing that :-)

I think you should do it! You will all feel closer to each other for doing this and that is always a good thing. Flying long distance w a 2 yr old is work but it's not that bad. I've done it A LOT because we used to live in Alaska and to fly to visit family took us an entire day with 3 or more flight changes. We flew about 3-4 x a year so we became good at tag teaming with our son when he was that young and keeping him amused/happy. Is there a 3 day weekend coming up where you can take off 1 day and fly out that weekend? Or what about over Thanksgiving when people usually get time off work? Let your husband talk to his brother and figure out what would work out best.

If this were me and I had a relative/MIL that was doing what your MIL is doing:
1) I would be major irked.

Why?
1) Because, it is for the parents of the new baby, themselves, to decide when and IF, they even want visitors, in their home, when their baby is born and home.
It is NOT... for others to decide. It is not for others to decide, when and if to visit.

So the bottom line to me is:
1) You NEED to ASK your BIL and SIL what THEIR personal plans are... once they have their baby and if they even want visitors IN their home. Now or right away or later.

That is me. That is how I view it.
If relatives/in-laws made their OWN plans (without asking me first and came to visit anyway despite my preferences), to come and visit me/my husband in our home... when we had our 1st baby... I would be livid.

Why?
1) because, it is rude, to just drop in and invite oneself to a person's home/hospital room, without being invited by the parents themselves... to see their 1st baby.
AND, they also have... other relatives. Meaning, their immediate family and non- In-Laws, too. And they all may have different plans.

And it is not up to MIL, to decide any of this.
And you have financial concerns and cannot just spend spend spend like they can.
So, you do not have to go.
You have a child too.

You can all "Skype" each other.
Online.
It is free.
That way you can actually see them and talk with them.

Personally, when I had my 1st child... I DID NOT WANT VISITORS AT ALL. Not at the hospital and not at home. Nor did my Husband. I didn't even answer the phone for the first couple of months at least.
"I" chose when, visitors were then invited.
I would really have been pissed, if relatives/people/friends, just showed up on my doorstep... To "visit baby" and made their own visiting plans.
It is not up to them or their choice.

I would wait until the best time according to your vacation time with work. Let MIL know that this is the time you will be able to go due to work schedules, and let it go from there.

I think going once the baby is 6 wks or so. Go for along weekend, so you aren't missing too much work.
As far as traveling w/a 2yo, he'll be fine. It sounds like you're just using that as an excuse not to go. halfway across the country is not that far. I travel from Florida to California twice a year w/my 2 kids. They are close in age (19 mos apart) by myself. And have done this since they were born. They are 2 yo & 3 1/2 yo right now & we're going next month. Take a portable DVD player.
It's a nice gesture, especially if your in-laws are paying. It sounds like you really don't want to go. Go & meet your new niece/nephew. Remember how much you enjoyed showing off your baby when he was born?!?!

We baptize our babies young. My older son was 6 weeks when we baptized him and my baby was only 4 weeks. Everyone is invited, MIL, FIL, BIL and family, SIL and family, cousins, my grandparents, parents, siblings, close family friends, etc. Everyone gets to meet the baby at that point.

My SIL has 3 children. We went to all her babies baptisms as first visit - with the exception of # 2 who was born 8 days before Thanksgiving - we met her at dinner. (Out of State)

My BIL has one child. He was born before I was married on the other side of the country. My husband went to baptism as I was just the girlfriend at the time.

See if they are having a meet the baby party, baptism, bris, etc and if that might be the good time to go. Would Thanksgiving be after baby is here?

How about winter holidays? BTW, I travelled with my son when he was two worldwide. With lots of planning and preparation it can be quite enjoyable! We now travel worldwide with a 5.5 year old and a 13 month old. We love having them with us. But that is another post....

C.