I was wondering when and how should I talk to my 3 year old DD about her private parts not being touched. She is potty trained but does need help wiping on occasion. I don't want to confuse her with wiping as being touched therefore havent mentioned it to her yet. But id like to hear how and when other mothers of girls handle this subject. She has not been touched but want to make her to start being aware of what is ok and what is not.
Well I have decided to take the slow approach. She has once again decided life is much better going commando, I use this to tell her she has special private parts and no one should see them. Then make her put panites on before she stands in front of our glass door.
My daughter has this book called 'The Right Touch' that I ordered off of Amazon. Here is a link to it... http://www.amazon.com/Right-Touch-Read-Aloud-Prevent-Coll...
She likes the book & so do I. It's a nice lesson that a child can sit still for. My daughter is 3.
We talk openly, but sometimes examples (such as the book) work great.
Just be honest. Good luck.
i started by talking openly about the CORRECT names for the body parts! it helps the child feel more comfortable talking to you about how something happened...
also many people have told me that a child might not feel "hurt" after a wrong type of touching, so saying that they are "BAD touches", or "if someone hurts you down there" are kind of misleading. i told my daughter that the area covered by her bathing suit are private, and that if someone ever tried to "tickle" the area between her legs that she should tell mommy.
my older son is developmentally disabled and i also taught her to watch out for a babysitter touching him, since at age 7 he still wears diapers...
I was molested at a very young age. As was several of my friends. i was truely shocked in group therapy how young it all started. My opinion and I have two young girls, if they are old enough to ask the question they are old enough to at least get a one two answer. I've told my eldest daughter that it is only for her to touch until she is older. Unless mommy and daddy know about it know no one should touch her "tuti." A doctor is different, cleaning it in the bath is different but still mommy/daddy should know or be present. So in short talk about it, and talk often. it doesn't matter the age.
Deb
Well, B., I think that is a topic that looms in most of our minds as mothers. The reality is, that we have to share much sooner than when we went through it. I have a 3rd grader who is 9 (girl). Being in the public and around other children at school and such, I kept watching and listening and just waiting to see if I needed to approach the subject with her. I didn't share anything with her as I didn't really see the need yet. However, we were informed by the school that the guidance counsellor would be showing a moving about Stranger Danger. We didn't know when it would be shown and my husband and I kept talking about if we should let her see it at school. We were never really told what would be in the movie, but I assumed that since parents were informed, it would probably discuss inappropriate touching. So, since we didn't know exactly when the movie was being shown, we sort of forgot about it. But, I did question my daughter on the day that they watched it and asked her if she had any questions. I also questioned her to see what the content was. It did present touching and referred to your "secret spots" as any thing covered by a bathing suit. I thought that was a great way to present it and I think she took in more since it didn't come from Mom. So, because of what she learned, that is how we refer to it around our house. I know this has been lengthy, but I hope it helps. Blessings, M.
My Ped always told me kids that she could touch the kids in their private parts because she was a doctor and their mom was there and knew about it during the physical exam. She then told them never to allow anyone to touch them under what their swimsuit covers unless their mom says it's ok. I would then reinforce the lesson at home.
Good subject. What I told my daughter is who is allowed to give her assistance. I made sure she know her body parts and they were hers and that sometimes she would need help. I told her they are her secrets and they were special. She understood and whenever I introduce her to a new environment like going to a new school, I go over the lesson again.
Perhaps it's just a matter of telling your daughter that only mommies, daddies, maybe grandparents, and doctors can look at her private parts. Just leave it at that. That's what our pediatrician told our daughter at her 3-year check up. I wouldn't make a big deal of it unless your daughter starts asking a lot of questions.
I highly recommend the book series called God's Design For Sex by Stan and Brenna Jones. The first book in the seies is called The Story of Me, and is for ages 3 to 5. You could start there, and the books are very good about explaining that your private parts are private! There are 3 more books and they go by age on how much info. they give. Hope this helps!
In my opinion, it's all about timing & age appropriate. Catch her sometime when she says something, anything, about herself. Then, keep it short & sweet. Like, "nobody but mommy or daddy touches you there & then only to help wipe". Then, move on. If you use too many words, you can lose her attention completely & defeat your purpose. There will also come a time soon when she discovers her own body. That's a whole new conversation. Like privacy & such. I think that you have to catch them at times when they are thinking about it in some way, otherwise, you still don't get the attention that you are looking for.
B.: You know, the sooner the better. When she can conceptually understand what's going on there, then you should tell her. Make sure that you're very open with her about her sexuality all of the time. It starts very young with molestation. I myself was molested at a young age and thankfully, God made a way out. I wish that my mother would have been more open with me, so, I'm more open with my 6 wonderful children about that issue. I tell them "Mr. Rogers wouldn't tolerate that - only mom and dad can touch you there. We're trying to help you but other people arent." Do you understand where i'm coming from. Keep talking to that precious one and you'll do great!
M. G.
Hi, B.,
Now is the perfect time to tell your daughter (during a bath, perhaps) that any part of her body that is covered by a bathing suit belongs to her! They are private, and no one except mom, dad, and the doctor (when mom is with her) are allowed to touch her there. Let her know that if anyone ever touches her private parts, she should tell them NO or STOP in her big girl voice, and she should tell mommy right away. This goes for other children telling her to pull her pants down, too. Yes, children at this age are curious, but they still need to be taught appropriate behavior. No matter who it is, no matter what they say, she should always tell mommy about it. (You should keep in mind that molesters often tell the child that if she tells anyone they'll hurt her mommy. Make sure she understands she should always tell you. Mommy will never be mad at her about it.) Be sure to speak in a calm, matter of fact voice so as not to freak her out. And don't do it just once, you'll need to have this talk every so often as a reminder. Also let her know that if she ever feels uncomfortable when someone hugs or touches her, that she has the right to ask them to stop. It's her body, she owns it.
And, YES please DO use the correct terminology when teaching her what her private parts are called!! I cannot believe how many women call their vulva a vagina! "Well, I was looking at my vagina the other day..." Sweetie, unless you're in certain yoga positions, you are NOT looking at your vagina! Good grief!
Sorry for the lengthy response - hope it helps a little. J.
I have 2 girls ages 7 & 4 and because my husband has never been comfortable helping them with their personal cleansing needs, it has always been mommy who helps. So what I have always told my girls is that it is not ok for ANYONE to touch their parts unless mommy is there with them (to allow for doctors). I have also made it very clear to both of my girls that they can always tell mommy if someone else touches their parts, and mommy will never be mad. They have taken my words to heart so much that my youngest one won't let big sister help her wash when they bathe together, and the oldest one yells for me if younger sister accidentally kicks in the tub.
Everything that I've read has said to be very open about body parts. Use the proper names, and talk about privates in a matter of fact way. Be sure to tell her that her private parts are hers, and that she can always say no when it comes to her private parts. Also tell and help her feel that she can come talk to you about anything. Use words like vulva without expressing any shame, and she'll be more comfortable with her privates and talking about it with you.
I've started talking to my ds about his body boundaries, and that he can always say no to any touching at all. I've demonstrated that for a long time- if I'm tickling him, and he gives ANY indication that he wants me to stop, I stop until he asks me to tickle him again. Likewise, I tell him that he can't touch another person if they don't want to be touched. Hugs are always ok with me, but they might not be ok with his friends, for example.
I have a friend with kids ds's age, and we always tell them that "No means no" when it comes to playing. If someone says no, that means that they have to stop doing whatever it is.
Back to privates, my 3.5yo knows that he (and all boys) has a penis and testicles, and he knows that girls (including me) have vulvas and vaginas. The sooner you talk openly about body parts, and later sexuality, the easier it will be. It's no big deal to my 3yo to know the names of his body parts, yk?
When our twin daughters turned five, we asked this question also. The answer is one I've been very happy with! We went ahead and purchased the four-book series "God's Design for Sex" by Stan and Brenna Jones, published by Nav Press. The first book is a picture book for ages 3-5, called "The Story of Me." It tells and shows how God made our bodies (male and famale) very special, with purpose. It's on a preschool level, and my daughters loved having this read to them then discussing this. The second book is one we read during first grade, and it's called, "Before I Was Born." It is also a picture book. The third is one we'll be reading this summer, and it's for ages 8-11 - it is NOT a picture book, and our daughters will be nine. It is "What's the Big Deal? Why God Cares about Sex." The fourth is for 11-14, called "Facing the Facts: the Truth about Sex and You."
I really like how these books make "the talk" an ongoing conversation about God and creation and relationships and how He designed us to be.
I know - long answer - but even if you decide not to stick with the whole series, I think the first book is a great way to introduce this!
I just looked... you can find the first book on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Story-Me-Gods-Design-Sex/dp/1600060.... The others are linked there also.
