When Mom and Dad"s Disagreement Confuses the Kids...(update)

This is something that school would not tollerate, and is considered cussing. So I would maybe approach it at that level with her and Hubby.

I wouldn't want my 3 year old daughter to say that either. I would over rule my husband but if that doesn't work then I would tell my daughter that I think the word is rude and that she is not allowed to say it around Mommy and leave it at that. I don't think that "hell" is a naughty word, it's a place, but the context it's being used in is rude.

Remember what I Peter says about respecting your husband... "so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a GENTLE and QUIET spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

This is how my husband became a believer. It takes a lot of patience, but eventually it's all worth it.

I'd also caution you about introducing the actual concept of hell to your daughter too early. There's a time and a season for everything.

I, too, am not religious but I do not want my kids cursing. When kids are young and this type of situation pops up and it's best to say something simple such as "that's not a nice phrase". No point getting into a discussion of heaven and hell. Lot's of parents think it's cute when a kids says bad words for the first time. But, of course, you must lead by example and not curse if it goes against the values of your family, which I believe has nothing to do with religion but good social manners. Lastly, just because a DVD is Christian doesn't mean it's automatically appropriate for children of ALL ages. Perhaps it's trying to appeal to Christian teenagers and uses slang which obviously you don't want your 3 yo to mimick. Good-luck.

I can see your dilema. "Hell" as a place is not a bad word, but it has taken on the form of being a bad word. I don't let anyone in my hoouse say it either. The problem sounds like it is with your husband. You 2 need to sit down and discuss it. Find out why he is so defensive. You are the one who is with the kids all day so you really have a better idea of the influence it has onthe household. Explain this to your husband. Maybe he's jealous of the time he misses out on with the kids and contradicting you makes him feel like he has some of the power when it comes to the kids. (We all know moms rule the roost though right!)

What a pickle! Regardless of your husband's beliefs, he should not have disregarded your reprimanding in front of your child. You 2 need to be a united front & support each other when it comes to child-rearing. It shows a lack of respect towards you that your child shouldn't see. Have a serious talk w/your husband about the need & expectation for him to support your parenting & that you will do the same for him. This might be a good time to talk about each of your expectations regarding parenting so you both know how the other one feels.

As far as religion....you might just have to agree to disagree but your husband should NEVER poo-poo your beliefs in front of your kids. I was raised Catholic & went to Mass every weekend & saw my parents being very active in our church. My husband was baptized Greek Orthodox but rarely went to church so his parents weren't involved in the church. His father was a very spiritual person & my husband beleives in God & wants to raise our boys as such. He's just not a fan of formed religion. That said, our 2 boys are being raised Catholic (w/o any complaint from hubby) & are in Catholic school. The hardest part is getting our almost 7 year old to go to Mass w/me. I'll admit, we don't go EVERY Sunday but do feel it's important to go to Mass. What makes it hard is that hubby is at home w/our 2 year old (who would NEVER make it thru Mass!)so our older son wants to stay home, too. My husband always goes along w/my cajoling to go to church & my older son & I always get there. Anywhooo....in all of my ramblings here, the important part is that your child sees the 2 of you agreeing & supporting each other on parenting in front of her. Good luck!

I think it's perfectly natural for a child to ask what something is...even if it is a subject that would probably go over their heads. "Hell" in the place sense is not a bad word, just one that isn't comfy to hear. My dad is a preacher and my mom has her first degree in child development. Combining the two was an awesome experience (looking back) and I think what they would say is explain, in a very basic sense, what you believe Hell is. For instance, "hell is a place where very bad people go when they die/ a place where people who don't follow God's instructions go when they die." (Those are just examples, you know how you can talk to your babies). Then go on to ask if she has any further questions so that you can get them all answered right then and then conclude with something like "we don't normally say the word Hell because there are people that use that word as a bad word, but it's OK that you asked me the questions and you can ask me more if you need to!" Odd are, it's just a passing question (like "where do babies come from") at that age and after it's answered she'll say "OK" and never bring it up again....BUT, I think that if you avoid answering it, you'll end up hearing it a LOT more than if you refuse her information.

Take care,
M.

**I just realize she didn't ask what Hell was, she said it, Sorry!! I'm sure that you can do the same thing and it will deter her from saying such things in the future...just tell her it's a bad word and you don't say bad words!**

Although I'm not really religious myself, I agree that it is inappropriate for a child under, say 15, to say things like that. My daughter started to say it because we have several of my husband's friends that don't know how to control what they say around a child. The way I got my daughter to stop, without upsetting her dad, was to tell her that she could say "What the heck." It is more age appropriate and I told her that it was something that she should only say at home. When she says words that she shouldn't, I simply tell her that they are not nice words & they hurt my feelings. She is normally okay with stopping it. Another thing would be to sit down with your husband after your daughter goes to sleep and explain to him that it would embarass you if you got a call from the daycare telling you she was cursing in class. Maybe you can come up with a list of words that you would rather not have said around your daughter. Since ihe is a non-believer, leave religion out of it. He will become more defensive & you probably will not get anywhere on the topic. Make it about your daughter & not about God. He will respond more this way. In other words, learn to play to his soft spot. I hope this helps.

Let you husband know that you don't mean to offend him or disrespect him, but that you feel there is some language that is just innappropriate for children and that you would like him to respect that of you. Don't be to hard on him. My husband isn't Christian either. Also when my daughter was little I told her "little girls don't say those things". I knew I'd slip myself. I didn't want her to be confused by getting on her case if she cursed, but heard mommie and grandparents, and aunts and uncle cursing. My daughter never cursed and still doesn't. I don't know if that did it, but it's worth a try.

Hi there,

I am too in the same position. I am Christian - have been, always will be - before him, still, and after him. He is a totally non-believer - doesn't believe in God. I too struggle sometimes with certain things that my husband believes it's okay for my boys to say. I have a 4 yr., 3 yr, and 10 month old. I believe that God put me here, married me to him, and it was HIS will for us to have these children. Therefore, I have to do my part - that being said, I will teach my children the way of Jesus. I will do what I can to plant the seed - water it, and let God take those children from there. I always pray to God, that my boys become "Men of God" because if the Lord helps me with that - I will not worry about their father's side/influence to them haha). He is a wonderful dad, amazing husband - but, you know - 80% perfect. I told my husband - this is me who loves God, will be forever - before you and after you. It doesn't mean, that I don't love you. This is what he married. Now, since you were both non believer - somewhere, in those vows you both said, for good or bad. So, therefore, you it's good - for him, it may not be so good. But, with kind words, you can probably tell him - this is who you are NOW.

My little boys, I've heard them say (they go to preschool -and believe me, that doesn't help - you'll find out), "shut up", "stupid", and other harsh words. So, one time like you, my husband heard me say to my four year old, stupid is not a good word - to not say it. So, we had the same scenerio you did, but here's what I told him my sons. "Stupid/Shut Up" is not a bad word - but, it's not a GOOD word - it's a MOMMY/DADDY word - so, only mommy/daddy can say those words". Now, they know, sometimes the slip words we say, they'll say - Mommy/Daddy is that a good word? We say NOOOOO!!!! It's a Mommy/Daddy word.

PS. One time - my four year old, then three, went to school - and, told his friends, and teachers, IN CIRCLE TIME!, "My mommy says "F*** it!" Yeah, at that point we decided it was time to totally clean up our words! We don't say those types of words, anymore. (Noooo, that wasn't totally humilliating for me when the teacher shared that story with me)

Regardless of religious belief, I don't think the word, "hell" is appropriate for a three year old. I don't think it's really appropriate until the child is old enough to use it in the right way and know what she/he is saying. I think you should stick to your argument but not make it about religion. Your daughter will be probably be reprimanded by a teacher if she is heard talking like that. Isn't that enough to make your husband realize that it's not okay for a child this age to say it in that context?

Dear S.,

Now that you are a Christian, you need to put on your forgiving cap especially for Dad. You two will disagree until death do you part, and the most important thing you can do is to not confront him on everything. God does not confront us, he lets us learn by our experiences.

Also, do not be so strong about explaining to a three year old. Just put a finger up to your mouth and say very quietly - I don't want you to say that. Do not say 'anymore'. Just everytime you greet those words with a quiet no please. Then talk to her about being polite - like, for example treating other people the way that we want them to treat us. Good teaching moment for a home Sunday School lesson.

Just relax, you have a long way to go, and let God come into your home. Pray for it everyday, and do the best that you can to make it a place of peace and love. Sincerely, C. N.

Okay- the therapist in me could not help but respond...It seems to be not so much about the word itself, but on the different views of religion that you and your husband now hold. His lack of support, seems to confirm your differences and I would guess is a very sore spot in your marriage. You both have different views and this is an example of your husband not valuing your values.

Your daughter could have easily been asking "What is hell?" vs "What the hell!" Language is very tricky for a 3 yr old. If she heard the word on a religious show, probably said with emotion/conviction, this would naturally spark her curiosity.

Talk to your husband about needing his support and cohesion. Also hopefully see this as an opportunity to connect with your daughter on your spirituality (vs shaming her for being curious). If she says bad words around others it is not a reflection of you being a bad mother or person. The sad truth is that children do say bad words as a way of expressing their emerging independence

I am not a very religious person and my kids still can't walk around saying that or anything like that. I don't like the way it sounds.

Anyway, when your child does say it, tell her not to. There is no reason to freak out over it. It is just a word. Just say "Honey, we don't use that word". Give her another word to use instead. If you make a big deal over it she is going to want to use it more.

You and your husband may want to have a talk about interfering with each others parenting methods. He doesn't have to agree with you but he should never say so in front of the kids. Ask him to pull you aside afterwards and tell you what he thinks of what you said. Then if he makes a valid point you can change what you said. It doesn't look good to the kids to have daddy (or mommy) interfere like that. It gives the kids the idea that mommy (or daddy) is the bad guy.

Hi,
Just a thought on this. I learned a different approach to this type of situation from a pastor's wife. She informs her children that Jesus wants us to love others. Therefore it is not so much a matter of is this wrong or ok to say (by the way I agree with how you feel) - but it may affend others and that would not be loving them. So teaching children that their words and actions are to express love to others is the more important focus. This helped a lot with even my children fighting, etc. I try to focus on "Is that loving others?"