Spouses Differing Religious Views and Raising Our Son

HI R.,
Part of being a member of a church is attending events/activities other than the weekly rituals. In order to know and understand the church you must understand the community. Though you do not abide by a 'religion' structure, it is evident from your request you have a strong belief in Love and how it is expressed. It seems that by attending church with your husband and child you can build this community for your family without contradicting your own beliefs.
I am sure you will make a peaceful decision for your family.
J. W

You might want to look into some Unitarian Universalist churches in the area. I am not a member, but have a number of friends who grew up in the church and are still members. The basic tenets of UU is that it is important for everyone to find their own faith and come to understand what they believe. There is no one church doctrine, except for acceptance of others and their beliefs.
During Sunday School, students learn about different world religions and faiths. When one becomes an adult member of the church, the individual has to decide what they believe, and then present it to the church.
These types of churches generally have wonderful communities and would help create ties to other families in the community.

Just a thought, best of luck!

When my husband and I were deciding to get married, we talked a lot about our faith or lack thereof. I grew up a Lutheran PK (preacher's kid); my husband grew up Catholic with one parent Catholic and the other agnostic. Faith has been a part of most of my life; my husband "quit" the Catholic church in high school and would basically call himself an atheist or agnostic (I can never get the two straight). He's not even sure he believes God exists. He's respectful of those with faith but doesn't personally ascribe to such beliefs.

When we talked about raising kids within the church, he was supportive, saying he thought it was a good foundation that never hurt him. He himself didn't feel the desire to go to church but he would support me in my interests. In fact, he said he would probably go with me as well, in order to provide a family experience within the context of church. But it depended on the church.

I have gone to many different churches in my life, having grown up in a very ecumenical family. Although I was raised Lutheran, my parents made sure we occasionally went to different churches or synagogues to know that God could be worshiped in many different ways. In my adulthood, my dad was the director of a Muslim, Jewish, Christian trialogue in Detroit, further opening our family to different faiths.

I have gone to Lutheran, Methodist, Southern Baptist, and United Church of Christ churches (UCC is a blend of old Congregational churches and _____________ in New England). Meanwhile, my husband worked in the Middle East and Africa and knew many quietly faithful Muslims who he respected and they appreciated his respect.

So, when our son was born, I church-shopped all around our area and found one I felt comfortable with--a small UCC church. When talking with my dad about the different denominations, he said something that still sticks with me today. He said that the atmosphere of the individual church I choose is probably more important than the specific denomination. Some would argue against his thinking, but I found it to be true. It is the people within a specific congregation that make or break it for me. So, I basically chose the one that felt the most in line with my thinking and personality. Like I said, it turned out to be a small UCC church.

Ironically, my husband, our son, and I have gone there for roughly 12 years although I'm the only one that is officially a member. My husband couldn't in clear conscience make a statement of faith that rang true for him. But in all honesty, he goes more often than many actual members do. Most people wouldn't have known he wasn't a member other than I mentioned it at meetings on occasion. Plus, we never baptized our son. We thought we'd do it when a second child came along and they could both be baptized at the same time. But a second child never happened. (I've had a few arguments with God about that one.)

My only caution would be how you feel about membership and baptism. We are fine with me being a member and my husband being a "friend" of the church. However, our son just figured out a year or two ago that he wasn't baptized or a member. He was 11 at the time and that confused him. To be honest, we didn't even have a very good answer when he said why not. Perhaps it was representative of our differences in belief. Perhaps it was also our way of letting him make the decision himself when he got older. However, instead he felt a little left out, awkward, and perhaps hurt, feeling like we didn't care enough to baptize him. (The funny thing is...my Catholic mother-in-law seems to think that her oldest son is our son's godfather. I'm not sure where she got that from because we never baptized him. Talk about awkward all around!)

It might be good for you and your husband to think about membership and baptism before you get to that point.

Our son has moved past that spot now, I think. He is twelve and is active in the youth group. We continue to go regularly. However, it put him in a spot where he didn't necessarily have all of the intellectual and emotional maturity to know how to deal with it. The questions will likely rise for your child(ren) as well if you follow our path.

Best of luck! My husband enjoys going with us to church. He enjoys the community of people there. And so does our son. It certainly has been a good source of conversation at times, to say the least!

So, can anyone relate to your situation? You betcha!

Ok, this is a complex question. I'm Catholic, born and raised, I have one child in Catholic school and two who will attend in a couple years. My husband is Lutheran, but was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness. I went to Catholic school my entire grades 1 to 12, my husband went to public. My husband doesn't go to church, but does attend any events involving the kids and catholicism.

My take is basically this - your child needs to grow up with some type of religion foundation - there are so many to choose from, and when the child is old enough to choose for himself, he will.

Maybe you can read a children's bible to your son or have another religious book. I wouldn't venture to church with a baby until they are at least 3 or 4. My other 2 kids are 2 and 5. The 5 year old can't sit still in church and the 2 year old, well, it's a nightmare between the screaming and the crawling under the pews.

My best advice which is universal to any topic is this - as a parent, you retain the right to do what's right for your child as you see fit (as long as it doesn't put them in any danger). If you feel it's the right decision that suits both you and your family, then go with it.

Maybe when he is a little older you can send him to sunday school to learn about religion and God and "morals," but the biggest influence will be you. I say "morals" because they should be learned by you and your husband. You can teach him to respect all religions and beliefs when he is able to understand, but it is up to you if you want to tell him that there is a God or not. I think it would be really confusing to tell a young child that your daddy believes in a God but I don't. I don't think that at really young age, you really have to explain much. So if I were you, I would pick either or when he is little and when he is older you can tell him more about the other's beliefs and he can decide for himself. My nephew goes to a jewish preschool and his parents aren't really religious at all (catholic/methodist) so he thinks he is jewish. He celebrates all of the jewish holidays and the christian ones. I think if you live your life with respect for people and animals then your son will too. If you decide when he is older to attend church, then that would be fine, too, but the biggest influence on him will be you and your husband.

Morals and values can certainly be imparted without church influence. You do not HAVE to attend church!

I think a fair compromise is that both you and your husband can independently share your feelings and beliefs with your child, BUT neither must disparage the other. In other words, your husband can't tell your child, "Anyone who doesn't believe as I do is going to go to hell" and you can't say, "Only weak or stupid people believe in God".

If your thoughts and feelings are shared in an arena of kindness and mutual respect, your son will be able to make his own decisions knowing you will both support and love him no matter what his personal feelings are.

You do need to give him a basic core to follow be it which ever as if you wait until he is older to decide for himself he will have no interest and not understand (my friend found this out too late and her daughter thinks it is all wacky now)

Take him to both and explain your feelings, do you have have a church or just respect for the world and nature as your basics? Do not mock each others views around him..basic morals are a good start even if it is the 10 commandments as they cover a lot.

Just share your hearts and your views..answer his questions and this may lead to you doing more research yourself. Good Luck

I'm piping in to also say you might want to check out a Unitarian church near you. Depending on where you live, there may be a few within a good range. Each one has its own 'flavor', focus, and feel so it's a good idea to check out each one. The religious education (RE) programs tend to vary a bit too, so I recommend that you talk to the minister and the RE director about their programs. They'll be happy to talk to you.
I'm a life long UU, but most people seem to come from background like yours and your husband's.
Don't be scared off by the idea of having to give a faith statement -- from my experience only the kids who go through the coming of age program do that (and it's not required, but is encouraged). I've never seen an adult do it, although they would be welcomed to if they wanted to. :)

I went to church yesterday and taught the kids about habitats and we explored the church property to work on registering it as a habitat w/the National Wildlife Federation. Someone might wonder what that has to do w/church but one of the core UU principles is the interconnected web of life and also the church is working on getting the 'green sanctuary' designation and environmental ed is a portion of the requirement.

Dear R.,

my immediate thought was: keep talking to each other and exploring each others questions, beliefs, spiritual homes. I live in an intercultural marriage and have many intercultural couples as friends. Often with different spiritual outlooks. Happiness with each other seems to be a direct consequence of being open-hearted, curious, respectful, vulnerable with each other. This includes checking out each others religious services, meditation halls, favourite tree branches to sit and muse on. Nobody has the answers, right? We are all searching. That is the spirit i want to pass on to my childern, but smetimes i struggle for respect and acceptance of "the other". Learning more always helps.

I believe that children need to be shown that everyone has spiritual needs, and that there are many different ways to fulfill them and to practice spirituality. It is probably good to immerse them deeply in a particular "spiritual family", as long as it's tolerant and open, it doesn't really matter so much, which tradition it is, does it?

You sound so open-hearted already: What a great thing to have a diverse family and a mother full of love and respect!! Your children are lucky.

Good luck!
D.

Hi R.,

It is the universal question each human has to answer for themselves. What is life? Why is life, and where do I fit in? We are often struggling with the answer to this question ourselves, so can feel ill equipped to guide our children.

I think few people will argue we are spiritual beings. Even the most fervent Darwin believers, acknowledge the holistic human (body, mind and spirit) What is the spirit?

I will say outright that I am a Christian. I believe in God a creator, yes, and more importantly I believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God and our Savior. I did not come about this belief easily. We all must come to our beliefs on our own. They cannot be forced on us or they are not beliefs. This is the essence of faith.

I do not think you need to choose between a creator and the natural world. I believe there is no place greater than the natural world to see evidence of a creator. If you are spiritually thirsty, then drink. Exposing your son to the idea of a Creator is not necessarily "religious".

Reading the Bible can be an arduous task until you begin to see it as the living word of God and are able to apply it to your life. I often say that prayer is the best way to start. Pray often and without ceasing for God to speak to you, to direct you and to reveal himself to you and he will.

Finding a great Church is a blessing. Not all Church's are God's Church. The Church is within you; still it is important to find fellowship with Christian's in order to grow as a Christian.

I know so many people are wary of cults, and they do exist. If you wish to learn more about or expose your son to the idea of a Creator, than I don't think you need to be afraid of him being "brainwashed" in a mainstream Church which is true to God's word. Beware also, Church's that water down the word to be politically correct.

If you try one Church and don't feel welcome or if they don't encourage your questions (any question) then try another. Beware, also, Church's who do not support their answer to your questions with scripture.

This is YOUR spiritual trip and your son's. Your relationship with God will be a personal one. Beware anyone who teaches you to go to God through them. When Jesus died "the curtain was wrent in two" leaving the way to God open to all who seek him and pray in Jesus' name.

So I would encourage your own personal prayer to God that the Holy Spirit would direct you in your own spiritual growth and decisions regarding your son.

God bless you and your family on this journey of faith,

J. L.

I applaud you and your husband for being open to all of the differneces in the world. It would be nice if you could try on several different religions, and see if any work well for you. You mention that your husband believes in God, but if he isn't "married" to any one church you can see what works for your family. My family is Catholic, but even within our family we each have parishes that we like (mine is more tolerant, aka liberal egad! than my parents' uber conservative you are going to hell church). Find a compromise that you can all live with so you can enjoy that new community!

My husband and I are of different religions -- I am Jewish, he was raised Catholic and is now Pagan. When we married, we agreed that we would raise the children as Jews for a variety of reasons, including that in Judaism, religion is passed through the maternal line. He is very supportive in all aspects, including attending shabbat services semi-regularly (not every week, often once a month for tot or family shabbat services) and more importantly, bringing aspects of Judaism and spirituality into our home and lives, such as lighting candles on Friday nights. I think that more important that going to church/synagogue is making religion/spirituality a real part of your life.

I believe that, especially when they're young, children need to be raised within one religious system so that they won't get confused. Time enough to learn about other options when they are older and more able to get the concept of conflicting viewpoints and that they can form their own beliefs.

R.,
in my house I am a church goer my husband is not. With reguards to our son as long as I do not ask my husband to go to church on Sundays he is fine with me taking our son. We have also agreed when our son reaches a certin age he can then decide for himself to go or not to go to church with me. L.

R.,

We have a similar situation. My husband doesn't believe and I do. Unfortunately for me and I feel for him he grew up in a very negative environment with regards to God and church. He has never gone and doesn't first hand know anything about it but is himself quit negative. However, it is something that I grew up with and do enjoy. For our daughter's sake he has put his negative views aside and become more neutral. I believe if you have the opportunity to experience something first hand you are more able to make the decision for yourself instead of having someone tell you - this is the way it is. I alone bring my daughter to church, we don't go every week but I do take her. I will answer questions she has about why dad doesn't come and what he belives as it comes up. I don't want to tell her that he is wrong but I do want her to have a more positive atmosphere in which to grow up in. Of course I still have to deal with the inlaws around Christmas which they celebrate. I have asked for them not to say anything negative about God and religion when we are around. Sometimes they don't and sometimes they do. This is hard but I think knowledge is power and if you don't experience it yourself you don't know.
A sermon we had at the beginning of this month was interesting to me. They talked about us being the sheep and God being the sherpard. We don't know all the answers, we don't know what happens to the people who don't believe or who are of a different religion. But we don't need to know what happens after life. We are just the sheep not the shepard - we don't need to know.

Keep the avenue's of communication open and if you can't be positive be neutral. As adults I think we can all choose for ourselves.

Good luck,
L. M

Hi R.,
The religion question has been an issue in my home, as well. My husband is a non-believer who disagrees with organized religion. I am Catholic. Our three children attend a Christian daycare/preschool three days a week (for convenience and wonderful teachers)where they learn Bible stories, religious songs, etc. etc. My husband agreed to marry me in the church and attend my first child's baptism, but chose not to attend the other two baptisms. We have agreed to expose the children to my faith- I take them to church (not regularly)- but not "indoctrinate" them. Although it's a little hard for me, my children will not go to CCD and receive the sacraments. I respect my husband's desire to allow them to choose their own belief system as he respects my spirituality. I'd love him to go to mass once in a while, but would never ask or expect him to. I really believe children learn values and morality directly from what parents teach and show them. Hope this help- best wishes to you!