When Husband and I Disagree on "Discipline"

Hi E.,
I agree that children shouldn't be scolded in the middle of the night, it won't teach her not to wake up. Waking up is not something you do intentionally. You can either comfort her, or let her go back to sleep on her own. If you do not go into her room, she will learn that you won't do it. I don't agree that a not even 2 year old needs to be disciplined for waking in the night. If you disagree on how to handle it, then if you want her not to be scolded, then you need to take the responsibility for caring for her in the night - if that's how you want it handled, then you need to do it. It might also help for the two of you to read some parenting books together and if you still can't agree on your parenting philosophy, then maybe some counselling on these issues. Good luck

Deffinately scolding her is NOT the right idea. My son would wake up in the middle of the night as well. My husband did not like the idea of him crying himself back to sleep but after a few nights it finally worked and he understood. Sometimes I would have to go in there and lay him back down, rub his back and quietly say "It is still Night Time" I read lots of books on this as he was my first child and I had no idea what to do. All of the books say to not talk to them and deffinately do not turn on the lights and/or be loud with them. This just wakes them up more and they have a more difficult time trying to get back to sleep. I would try letting her cry it out. It is hard but eventually they get the idea. Good luck !

E.,
You got it. Your husband disagrees. It is HARD to overcome this, but you can do it. Children deserve more than being second class citizens and being allowed to cry it out and learn to distrust. I hope you get a lot of websites and learn new ways of handling him. Your little girl will only benefit from you gaining as much information, and sticking to your guns on this one.

There are many books out there, and I hate to say it, the hardest part will not be the sleep deprivation, but getting past your husband's disagreement. Children learn from experience.

At 21 months, she is not going to learn to go back to sleep. If allowed to cry herself back to sleep, she is going to learn that she can't trust that her needs will be met (need for closeness, need for knowledge of safety, and others) and that Mom and Dad are not there for her.

I hope you find a way to give her what she needs.

I remind my son that it is not time to be up, and I talk to him very softly (His Dad's sleep is more important in Dad's book) and we talk only about closing our eyes, and soft things (teddies and sleepy activities).

Good luck, please let mek now how you do with this, any help I can be.

M.

PS: Dr. Sear's attachment parenting is the title I was looking for. Libraries usually have some of their works (it's a family effort :)

I would say that scolding a child to go back to sleep would make things worse. It heightens anxiety in the child and makes it harder for them to go back to sleep. My daughter wakes in the middle of the night and usually goes back to sleep. If she does wake up screaming something is usually wrong (nightmare, teething pain, etc).

If she doesn't stop crying after a few minutes, I would check her forehead and make sure she is not running a fever or check to see if anything else is wrong. If nothing is, try laying her on her stomach and lightly rub her back in a circular motion to soothe her. Eventually she will go back to sleep again (mine usually does after 10 minutes).

As much as you think he is totally wrong... maybe the best way to stop it is to go along with it. Agree to use his method for 3 days straight. then use your method for 3 days straight. Then discuss what worked, what didn't and why. maybe he will be willing to listen to your point of view easier if he sees you were willing to see his for a moment.

Hey E.,

I would say yelling at a scared child is Wrong,

BUT I also don't think that the 2 of you need to get up and soothe her.

You can do that your self. Since he has to work he is gonna be tired and cranky himself.

I would say also that You don't need to take her out of the bed.

On the occasion that she wakes, get up and touch her, but don't talk. your touch should be enough to let her know you are there, and relax her back to sleep.

Talking is a stimulant so it will make her wake up.And turning on the lights will also wake her further

Keep her teaddy bear in her crib and reach her hand up for it, so she can self soothe.

If she uses a pacifier then put on in the corner of her crib so she can grab it when she needs it.

The point is to try and keep her in sleep mode, she hass to know that at night we sleep. and if we wake at night we need to go back to sleep. No play time, no tv, no music, no rocking NOTHING fun can happen at night.

Your gentle touch is physically letting her know you are there, she is safe. Anyting more and your basically self sabotaging, and waking her up more.

When all else fails, and she just won't return to sleep

Since you stay at home. You can on very special occasions lift her out of her bed and quietly comfort her.

If she wails, bring her to the living room away from your husband. So he doesn't hear her crying.

Lay on the sofa like she is sleeping with you.
But don't talk.or turn on the lights and TV.

She is safe in your arms, but still needs to sleep.

---

Obviously if she is sick or something do what you have to do,

But at some point parents have to teach the hard lessons.
This is the first of many.

They don't call it the terrible 2's for nothing.

Its the start of teaching her manners, to listen, and follow the rules.

and remember, just because you think its cute, doesn't mean everyone else will.

M

I would just keep doing what you know to be right, by not letting her cry it out in the middle of the night. that only causes more problems in the future. trust your instincts...and remind him that you love him, even though you don't agree with him. I'm also dealing with some of this too. Like I'm nursing our 1 year old and Dh doesn't really like it. I think the more you can communicate with your Dh you may also find that he relaxes more on some stuff. best to you. =)