When Do You Call Your Marriage Quits???

No matter how old, or young you are when you are married, marriage is a bringing together of two lives. It is constant sacrifice and constant compromise. That is just how it is. Those sacrifices and compromise are something you do because you love and respect and cherish your marriage and your life together. You should not look at it as giving up your dreams, but rather melding your dreams with your husbands to create new ones together, and over the many years of marriage, you will have the chance to live out those dreams you create, together. Even the happiest marriage are hard. Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have. It is a job, it is WORK. Nothing worth having is easy. You fight for what you want and what you love every day. I am happily married, but it IS work. Some days are harder than others. Some days we breeze through. Some we don't. We both make mistakes but we knew when we married eachother that there is no such thing as a perfect person. Therefore,there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. We are all perfectly flawed, so we all have perfectly flawed marriages. If anyone tells you any different, they are lying. BUT...what defines us as people is how we handle our flaws and our problems in our marriage. Always try to handle them with dignity, and above all TRUTH. Be truthful to yourself always....which is VERY HARD. Take responsibility for what is wrong in your marriage and do your very best to fix it. If you are truthful with yourself and your husband, everything will work itself out, one way or another. Also, there is no reason that you can not "pursue your dreams" just because you "settled down and created a family." It might be harder to pursue those dreams, but it can be done if you want it bad enough. You CAN have both. But agian,,,it won't be easy. Hard work is an amazing thing and can get you just about anything you want. Maybe it has to wait till your kids are in school full time? That gives time for more school for you, or for what ever dream you pursue. Being a Mother and a Wife and doing it well is not a small thing.You can be married, but that does not make you a wife. You can have a baby, but it does not make you a Mommy. To raise children that are confident, hard working, decent, loving, honest human beings is an amazing thing. They learn first by example, and you are their number one example as a Mommy. Look inside yourself and you will find an amazing strength...and you can do whatever you really want to do with it :-) We are women,,here us ROAR!!!!!! :-) Hugs to you...and one to put into your pocket for when you need it :-)

Newlyweds need to be more honest. Every marriage is different, but no marriage is bliss the first little bit. If more people were honest, maybe we wouldn't expect "perfection" on the honeymoon and then on. I got married when I was 17 in 2000, had my first baby at 20 and my 2nd at 22. The first year was AWFUL....We were finding out who we were and learning each others little habits and annoyances. We both wanted to give up....I am glad that we both are stubborn. We will be married 7 years in June and we both have never been happier. I would have made the biggest mistake in my life if I had left. First of all, I would not have gotten by gorgeous sons and I would not have learned how much I really love husband. It sounds like you think all you are is wife and a mother. After I had my first baby, I didn't quite know what my role was in life anymore. I felt weird being sexy, weird wanting to go out with friends and felt I should be wearing big tent shirts and watching Tv all day. When my baby got to be 6 months old, I starting to get into my own skin again. It sounds llike you are going through something similar. Just give yourself and your marriage time. Let everythink sink in and get back to normal. Make sure you make time for yourself without your husband or baby and make time for you and your husband without the baby too. Do one thing each week (or day!) that used to bring you joy and made you feel like you! Just because you are married and have a baby does not mean you have to "grow up" completely. Let yoursle be silly and bubbly and act inappropriate sometimes. You are still you, but now you are an even better, multi-faceted you! Just make sure to communicate with your husband and tell him how you feel...I hope this helps and I didn't just ramble on and on. Good luck and I know everything will sort out if you just take care of you and give things time...

Hang in there!!!
R.

Hi, I have also felt like this on and off. I am 23 (24 next July) with a 2 1/2 yr old girl. I got married very young, we have been married for 4 years. Our relationship was rocky, almost to the point of separation. But about a year ago we really talked and discussed our issues with each other and tried to figure out how we got in such a deep whole. We worked on compromises, spending more time with each other (without the little one :P ), and we just realized marriage isn't perfect. It never will be, but you can definitely have a strong and happy marriage. Have an open mind and try and discuss things with him to see how you both can make your marriage better, and you happier. We have been doing great! Please write me if you need to talk.

Hey B..
I have often felt like I was in the same boat as you. Im 25 and have two girls ( 3 & 2) Its entirely too easy to lose who WE are in caring for everyone.
From your description, it doesnt sound like your marraige is over. It just sounds like a slump.
Do you guys ever have date nights (with no kids)
does he buy you flowers?
Do you write him little love notes & leave them in his lunch?
I think its the little things that make the big picture.
It sounds like you dont have time to yourself. At 6 months old, your son requires constant attention and probably already has some sort of seperation anxiety if you go somehwere for more than half of a second :)
I wouldnt think your marriage is over. You have the ability to improve the situation (and so does your husband!)
Start doing little things for each other. Make sure you each get one day a week to do whatever YOU want. (thats what my husband and I do).
Cook each other breakfast, suprise each other at work--write a letter.
Do the small things and see if they make a difference. Thats what I do whenever I feel like you do.
Im here if you need someone to talk to :)
-S.

It sounds like you have already gotten some great advice. I agree with others that have suggested that you can find yourself without leaving your husband. If the problem is with you (which from your posting is what it sounds like), then fix the problem - don't run away from what you assume is causing it. Look into counseling - either for yourself to look in to postpartum depression or as a couple to explore this and work on your relationship with your husband.

I am 29 with an 8.5mth old son and I can say that I found the 6/7 month period to be a big transition for me back to my old self. Don't full yourself though - the old you will never completely be back. You are a mother with additional responsibilities and different needs. There is good and bad with that. At 29 I have struggled with these changes and I can only imagine that at 24 this is magnified. Hang in there. Marraige can be forever, but it needs attention and flexibility. Good luck and remember we are all here for support!

hang in there a little longer. Your baby is only 6 1/2 months old. I have a grandson the same age, and my son's wife feels the same. Having a baby cahnegs everything. Wait a while before giving up, I did and I have been married for 33 yrs. it hasn't always been easy, but I am glad we made it!!

Hi B.,
I'll play devils advocate here ok... I'm 39 years old and raising 2 great boys alone. I am so happy and so free... however, let me tell you the difference in the cold hard truth of life. I am so much older and I went to college and just quit a job because I can. I just bought my own house and have a nice car. I'm not boasting, hear me through... a little over one year ago my kids and I were one day away from being homeless living in my 15 year old car. The church gave us food since food stamps didn't come fast enough. I couldn't find a job to earn enough to cover the cost of day care and live. Keep in mind, I have a BA degree and was active duty AF at one time. I was making $50,000 ten years ago. So, you can see being down and out didn't just happen.. babies happened.

I pulled myself up thankfully because of my education. If I didn't have an education I don't know how I could ever support my two kids. I'm writing a book right now called "Just Us, Enjoying Life as a Single Mother"... don't let the title fool, you, if you aren't ready for it, really ready for it.. you don't want to think about the road you could end up on.
It sounds to me that the problem isn't with your husband really, it's with you. I say this because I've been there. It will be hard, but my advice to so many young mothers is to go to school. Yes, it sounds crazy.. how can you do that with a baby and a million things to stress you out??? Easy, you just do it.

I'm finishing up my Masters degree right now.. this is why I can stay home with my kids. Direct Loans are for everyone and you might very well get some nice grant money as well. My school is Grand Canyon University and is all online. I do my work only at night while my kids sleep. I am getting into debt with student loans, but they don't get paid back until you are out of school for 6 months. I'm getting into a PhD program, so figure if I can't repay my loans with a PhD, I'm doing something wrong. What better to invest in than me?

Why school? Because you can not blame your husband or your child for your lost goals. It's not fair to any of you. If he doens't like it, too bad. Take your student loans that will cover your classes, books and I take enough to balance my budget as well. Try the local schools for programs like this, if not, just watch out for the expensive schools (Pheniox U charges 2x's what other's do).

You need to feel good about you. It sounds like you need that degree in nursing and one class at a time will get you there. You might respect yourself so much more that your husband will have to. If it does fall a part, that degree is the one thing that you will never lose. It will be your savings grace the rest of your life. Trust me on that.
Julie - eternally thankful for education.
sorry this got so long.

Well, I watched Joel Olsteen preach yesterday and I was surprised when I heard him say if you are unhappy and you feel you have dome your best but the marriage is still not working then God is letting you know it is OK to move on. Believe be raised Catholic I was surpised to hear that, but I also know that if you have dreams you still should do them even if you are married. My husbnad and I have supported each other through some crazy ideas but we always supported eachother. Look deep inside and ask yourself have you done everything you could? Then the answer will come.

I was in a relationship for nine years and never married my ex because I knew something wasn't right. I didn't leave though, because everyone was in my ear telling me "how good my relationship was" and "what a good man I had". But something inside me, was telling me that it wasn't right. I had dreams and visions--just that gut feeling. But I never listened to me. Low and behold the truth came out eventually and now we don't speak at all and he won't do anything for his son. I wonder if it would have been different if I had left when I felt I should have. My lesson learned was to listen to myself.
No one will be able to tell you what to do in your marriage. No one knows the ins and outs of what you are going through, but you. It's not selfish to want that total happiness and it's not a fairytale- as my ex so often told me. Talk about it with your spouse! He may be feeling the same and doing the same as you- contemplating. Or it could be something that you two need to come together on. You will never know until you open your mouth.
Life goes by way too quick to be unhappy. Especially now that you have a new life to look after. And getting it out in the open leaves room for friendship, if it should end, because of that respect you showed your spouse by communicating.
Best of luck to you

I just read your post and I just wanted to comment to you that everyone has always told me that the first year of your childs life is the hardest in your marriage/relationship. My husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years, married for 1 1/2 and have an 8 month old son. These past 8 months have been the worst in our relationship, ever. We've almost both gotten to the point that we don't feel like continuing the relationship, but we work on it and do it together. It's extremely tough and even today I'm ready to call it quits with my husband's negative attitude everytime my son cries, but you have to work at it together. Just remember, if you can make it thru the toughest part of it, it'll make it that much more worth it. Well, at least that's what I keep telling myself! Don't look at settling down as holding you back, you are a woman, we can acomplish anything especially if we can be up all hours of the night with our child and then go to work half zombified!

Actually the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest. My husband and I almost got divorced during our fifth year of marriage. We had seperated for 4 months but luckly we found our way back together and celebrated 6 yrs of marriage right after we found out we were expecting. When I was 24 wks pregnant we had a beautiful daughter and they say that when you have a baby prematurely it either brings you together and tears you apart. We learned so much about each other during the 6 months our daughter was in the NICU and on the 26th of this month we will be celebrating 11 years together and we are happier then ever.

During our first 5 yrs I was so unhappy and all we did was fight. We were 19 when we got married and even though I was unhappy the first 5 I couldn't be more happier now. I loved my husband and still do and I was determained that no matter what I would make my marriage work and it devestated me when he left me but we really needed the break to evaluate ourselves and here we are now.

But when he left I thought of an old saying that my grandmother used to say: If you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go and if they come back they are yours forever but if they don't come back then they were never truely yours.

The things I learned after having my daughter about marriage/relationships is 1) Be patient with one another, 2) Communication is the key to a succesful marriage and 3) Take time out for one another, even if you just lay in bed before going to sleep and talking about whatever.

I hope that things work out for the best.

Hey Brandid...Yeah, I always heard that the first 5 years were the "honeymoon stage" too. After almost 18 years of marriage, I'm discovering that ALL stages of marriage have both happy times and problems. I found that a new baby always adds stress to a marriage. I think many couples falter when a new baby entes the picture. Even if it isn't the first. About ever 6 months or so I wonder why I keep hanging in. The answer is the same. Tom and I are both human. We both make mistakes. I am as much at fault for any problems we may have as he is. I believe that God put us together when we first got married, I don't belive He has changed His mind. Marriage is a lot of hard work at times. It is worth it to hang in there and try to work things out. I have a friend who, just today, took her 4 year old daughter and left her husband and 11 year old daughter. She went to FL, while he stayed in NC. Her reason for leaving the older one was simple. It was best for her to NOT take her out of her school half way through the year. BUT this separation will still be very hard on all of them, expecially the girls. They are not only separated from a parent, but each other as well. I hope and pray that they will be able to work things out and become a family again...a stronger family. But that doesn't always happen. I don't know your whole situation, but if it is just that you aren't "happy" anymore, or don't feel "in love" anymore. Remember that you can't let emotions rule your life. Emotions are a good thing, but don't let them take over. Analyze why you are feeling the way you are then see if there's anything you can do about it. I have 4 childre. After each one I felt moments of elation and moments of absolute despair. I love my children more than I could ever imagine, but stress comes along with them...and it will affect your emotions. It will affect your marriage. Find a good marriage counselor or a pastor in your area to talk to. Sometimes it helps just to have an ear nearby to listen. I hope some of this helps.

D.

Brandid....wow...i sometimes i feel like i am in the same situation. i am a 26 years old, have an 8 month old and have been married for just over a year. before i got married and pregnant i was a fun loving bartender enjoying going out and having fun. over the last number of years i was part-time trying to finish school but i felt like i had time for that. then the positive pregnancy test came and we decided to push up our marriage date forward. my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me, i would not have it any other way, no matter how difficult it is. now i am trying hard to finish my degree (in may, yepee) and be a new mom and wife. i feel like i have totally lost who i am! my husband and i used to be "on fire" and really happy together but since the baby i am either mad at him or upset about something. i have a sneeking feeling that it is not really him but that i might not have been prepared for all of this and i am drowning in my efforts to finish my goals of school and being able to provide for them. he says i need to "find a hobby and some friends" but when am i supossed to do that? and how am i supossed to enjoy it with all of these other things on my plate? i feel like i have let myself and him down and in the process am ruining my new marriage. i hope that it is simply like all your other sugestions have said and that it is just that the first year of the baby and first years of marriage are the hardest because i dont want to fail. i really want everything to work out, as i am sure you do to, but sometimes it is really difficult to see the light at the end of it all. i hope everything works out for you, please know that you are not alone!

It almost sounds to me like you may be having some postpartum depression. Besides the arrival of your baby, what changed in the year you were pregnant up until now? (Not that the baby isn't a HUGE change, but I'm just wondering if there is anything else, that could be affecting your level of happiness). It sounds like you may be feeling a little trapped/tied down due to the taking care of your son but I think it's all in how you look at it. I envy those that have their children young because they have plenty of time once the child leaves home to pursue their own dreams. I had my son at 28 and having just turned 30, I feel old! I would recommend seeing a counselor (it does wonders, truly!) and trying to figure out what will make you happy and what works for all of you. You don't have to give up all of your dreams/desires to be a wife and a mom. Sometimes you just have to be a little more creative and lots more patient. Good luck. :)

It sounds like you have done the same thing that I did. I lost myself in my marriage. I assumed that I was suppose to fall into traditional "wife" roles, which meant anything that I had dreamt of doing went out the window. I am 26 years old. I have been married for almost 2 years with a 3 year old little girl but up until recently I acted and dressed like I was 50. I lost my spunk and my drive. But the problem wasn't my marriage. I gave up on myself. My husband loved and married a fun-loving outgoing person, not someone who rather stay home and drang my feet. ONce I realized this I told myself that once I found myself again then I would be happier. And I am!!! I have resumed doing things that I did before I was married such as hang out with friends and enjoy life but I do it in moderation, while respecting the bounderies of my marriage. My advice to you is to come back to "you", just a more mature, wiser, married you!!! Both you and your husband will be happier! Don't give up on your marriage! Fight for it and fight for yourself!

Wow you kind of sound like me. But my husband knows how I feel...does yours?

My son is 21 months. I have not been happy since he was born (I love him, and he is the best part of my life, but my husband sucks). My husband left me back in August, the funny thing is I always thought I would be the one to leave.
I am angry at him because I gave up my life to be a wife and a mother. I was CNA I and CNA II certified (I don't know what you know about that but that was a good thing) I lost those when I stayed home with my son. I was also well on my way to a nursing degree. Now I have nothing it is very scary to be on my own, I have this little person to take care of and I feel like I can't even take care of myself.
I got married before I found who I was, I thought that I would find it with him by my side but I was wrong I became what he wanted not what I wanted. We might have lasted if I had just gone and did what I needed to do to be happy, on the other hand he might not have liked who I became.
I miss my husband and I miss my marriage, I am sad for my son that his dad is not around. but we as a family are so much happier. My negative feelings for my husband had affected the way my son acted arond him. Now that things are this way he actually wants to go with his dad. I just knew he would not last that first visitation day but he had a blast.
My heart is broken I was unhappy but I didn't want my husband to leave, my anger pushed him away. I don't know that things would have changed had he not left, I do believe that this was an eye opener and if he came back home we would work it out. But it is too late he refuses to come back.
So my advice is this think long and hard, because if you are unhappy to the point where you posted this question then I am sure your husband senses it. SO if you don't want to loose him then you need to figure something out, because you could be pushing him away.
Do what will make you happy because in the long run your child will only be happy when you are. Children are not stupid they sense things, my son knew I was not happy and he reacted to it, he has always been advanced for his age but for awhile I was worried about some things and overnight since the stress has left our home he has broken out of his shell and I know that he is better off this way.
I hope I helped, I am afraid I rambeled on. If you need to talk I am here.

See this is often a problem "I blame myself for not pursuing my dreams before I settled down to create a family."

Who says you can't pursue your dreams while begin married and raising a family. Is it hard? Most definately. I've been married for almost 9 years now, have two children, and another on the way but I'm not going to let that stop me from obtaining my dream, which is finishing college. It may take me a little longer to do so but I will get there and so will you. It's just going to take some time and effort.

Instead of blaming yourself why not focus on taking steps in pursuring your dream. The fact that you feel guilty about not pursuring your dream before marriage and children is most likely what is making you unhappy and that's understandable. It's easy to get buried within the day to day task of both being a mother and wife. But you need to take sometime for yourself and pursue your dreams as well. If your dream is to go to college then do it. Go part time when you have the time or make the time. Find someone to watch the baby so mom can do something for herself.

Think about.