What Would You Do If You Were Me? - Lake Worth,FL

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, I recommend therapy for you so you have support to let it go. That's what I did and after a lot of time and work on my part, I'm good with not having a "mother" in my bio-mother. It does suck sometimes, and though she's better now than she was, I do not let my guard down or expend very much energy on the relationship. My mother in law and my older step-sister fill that void. If you have someone else in the family that can fill this role, find what you need there.

Some mothers just aren't "mothers". I don't know why, but that's how it is. The only way to find peace is to think of her as a peer who just happens to be related to you and deal with her as a peer and not as a parent.

Personally--what would I do?
I would send her (and your brother, same card) a change of address card.

And I would try, for once and for all, to let GO of any & all expectations I had of my mother. Even if it took therapy.

I'm sorry. I can't understand "families" like this. I talk to my dad almost EVERY day and sometimes several times in one day. My mom died 2 years ago tomorrow.

You have expectations that will NEVER be met. I'm sorry to tell you that - you need to accept that your mom will never be the mom you want and need her to be.

If I were you: I would stop and realize that my mom isn't what I want or need. My dad is no longer here to help balance that out.

It's not that your mom doesn't care about you. She's single-focused. You say 'it's her' however, if this behavior started AFTER your dad died?? It could be her way of dealing with the grief. I don't know.

Congrats on the sale of your home and on your new home!! May you have MANY happy years and memories there!!

First you need to stop keeping track of everything she does with and for your brother. Its not about your brother. This kind of 'record keeping' probably goes back to childhood and its not healthy.

Secondly you need to accept that your mother doesn't want the same relationship you want. Sad that she's missing out of the things that are exciting and new in your life but you can't make someone care about the things you want them to care about.

And finally no you don't need to call her with you address info. The phone works both ways. Its not up to you to be the one who always calls. If she needs the address she'll get it from you or another family member.

I have an interesting relationship with my mom. I call twice a week and listen to her yammer on and on about whatever. Never asks a single question about me or how things are going in my life. That's ok. She's been pretty self centered since my dad died. Never the less she's my mom and I put up with it because that's what she's willing to give. I can't change her so I accept that she's missing out of a solid relationship with me as an adult and move on.

The only advice I can give is what I have done myself:

Do the work to be able to accept that she is who she is. I'm not saying it's easy-- there is a grieving process in this. Let go of your anger. Let go of your holding onto and counting your disappointments. She is who she is. I think a counselor will help you a lot. You are still in denial that she (and I know I'm shouting here, but after so many posts, Meagan)-- listen--SHE ISN'T GOING TO BE THE PERSON YOU WANT HER TO BE.

I've had to do this in my own life. It was crushing at first, and then very freeing. In short, living in reality is so much better than living in a land of disappointed hopes. I'm so free. I'm not saying it comes without sorrow and sadness from time to time, but really-- I hope you can come to a place where you do not assess your own worth by how your mother treats you.

I lived in denial for a long, long time, too. We can all tell you what to do-- and by and large, most people here have suggested talking to someone. It's an empathetic suggestion. Many of us have walked this path. I hope you find some good help in healing.

I know this is difficult for you, and for that I am sorry. How you handle it is through acceptance. You accept who your mother is today. You don't have to like it, but you have to accept it. What you do is go about your life, taking care of your family. You can't change who she is - you have no control over that so just accept it for what it is.

"There would NEVER be a time in my life as a mom or when I became a grandmother that I would not know where my kids were or that they made a major move to a new house." Never say never - you have no idea what the future holds for you or your kids of what sort of relationship you will have with them or what sort of grandmother you will be.

She is not a "normal mom". Either this behavior is because she is being taken care of by someone, so she being "loyal" to him and his family at the expense of everyone else, or she has some psychological, emotional, or physical problems that are manifesting themselves like this.

Have you sat down with your brother for a one-on-one talk? Have you told him what you are seeing? Have you asked him to come over and bring her? Have you taken your family over to see her at your brother's? Have you asked him if he has seen a difference in her from before 2 years ago? It could be that everyone else in the family sees it, but that your brother is too close to the forest to see the trees, so to speak.

This could be something that is medical. If that's the case, a trip to the doctor, which your brother would have to set up, would be helpful.

If your brother doesn't care how you feel and isn't willing to listen or do anything to help, then just LET IT GO. If your mother goes to the old house, that will teach her a lesson. When she calls and tells you she went, tell her that she wouldn't listen when you told her over and over, so you hope she will try to listen better. I don't know what it is that she "wants" from you that she will call you for, but honestly, I would not be that kind of resource for her if all she does is only call for what she wants. If you give in to that, then you are just enabling her behavior and making her feel justified in it.

Honestly, I really think that what you will find out in a few years is that your mother has Alzheimer's or a type of dementia. Then you will understand better. Having hurt feelings from someone whose brain no longer works right is totally unproductive and does nothing but cause you pain that isn't warranted. Instead, try to get your brother to take her to a neurologist who deals with aging parents.

when there's this much hurt and disconnect, it's very difficult to untangle where it started, or who did what, or who is behaving the worst.
and ultimately it really doesn't matter. the bottom line is that your mother's behavior hurts you, and continues to hurt you, and you continue to have unrealistic expectations of her despite her clear indications that she's not coming with you on them.
if you've moved somewhere nearby, she probably figures she'll find you easily enough if and when it's necessary. who knows? maybe she's been desperate for you to show interest in her new situation, in the curtains she was sewing, in what she was reading. if the 'new' behavior isn't medically induced, i'm betting she's got a tale to tell too.
the fact that you and other family members are thinking of playing the passive-aggressive game vis-a-vis your address indicates a lack of healthy communication all round.
your mom isn't hurting you, your expectations of your mom are hurting you. once you let go of them and let her just be herself, her ability to hurt you will disappear. and it may even come about that she can show up on your doorstep to borrow something, and instead of hoping you can share with her, you just cheerfully say 'here you go! have a great day, mom.'
and mean it.
way easier said than done, i know. probably some therapy to help you get there, hon.
khairete
S.

Why would members of your family tell you not to give her your new address? It sounds like the entire family has issues (and suffers from a clear lack of maturity) not just your mom.
Frankly I'd distance myself from ALL of these people.
But of COURSE go ahead and send your mom a note with your new address. Just a "hi mom, hope you're okay, we're living here now if you ever want to talk give me a call" kind of note.
Then walk away.
It's up to her at that point.
And if she calls asking for something? Change the subject, and if she doesn't get the hint say I gotta go now, love you! and hang up.

You've gotten a lot of good advice below about letting go of your expectations for a close relationship with your mom, or a relationship that you would see as "fair" (where she would pay as much attention to you and your kids as she does to your brother's family) and so on.

I would add: Think of your situation this way, if you can be objective about it and put the strong emotion to one side for a minute and see it as an outsider might see it:

You are pouring a lot of thinking time and mental energy into pondering "What did I do" and "Why didn't she even want to see the new house" and "Why is my brother getting her attention" and so on. Take that same energy and pour it into your own family; making friends in your new neighborhood; pursuing some activity that interests you; maybe also cultivating strong and positive relationships with those aunts and uncles and cousins with whom you're clearly in touch. (And please, don't let any time or conversation with those relatives be spent on hashing over your mother's behavior--do things with them, find out about their own interests, cultivate time for them with your kids, but don't ever ask, "Have you heard from my mom? Is she still acting like a jerk about me?" or anything at all. Make things about them and you, not about her or about their being a connection to news about her.)

It's absolutely painful right now, and your gut wants to dwell on that pain and the offense your mom has committed, but you now can choose whether to let your mind dwell on her, or to direct your thoughts and energy toward positives. I know that's easy for us to say and hard for you to do, but I would just send her one card to say hello, then put her on your holiday card list, send birthday cards etc., send the occasional photo of your kids and otherwise get too busy with your new home, kids and other relationships. No one can replace one's parent but if the parent is hurting you or simply ignoring you, you cannot change her -- she's an adult and you have made the effort, so just keep the most basic communication open but stop giving her so much of your mental real estate.

It sounds like you need to let go of the idea of having anything more than a superficially polite relationship with your mom.

You wish things were different, but they are not. That is unlikely to change. The only thing you can control are the boundaries you set and how you choose to react and perceive things. You're wasting too much thought and emotion on this. It isn't worth your anger or hurt, so do what you need to do to let go and move forward.

Your mom is never going to be the mother you wish she was. This is your reality and you will have to learn to be content within it. At this point, your mother is not hurting you; you're hurting yourself. You might benefit by seeing a therapist to help you work through it all.

I think what you're really asking is, "How do I make my mom pay attention to me and want to be a part of my life? How do I make her care?"

It really, really stinks, but you can't. You can either come to a place where you are ok with who she wants to be in your life and the amount of attention she is willing to give you ... or decide you're not ok with it. If you're not ok with it, the only thing you can do is choose to embrace all the good parts of your life and learn to let go of the parts that only caue pain. If she is only going to cause pain, it might be time to let go.

Let her go and move on. You can't force a person to have a relationship with you.

You seem to get very angry when people don't meet your needs.

But honestly, I don't think it's your needs not being met, but your expectations (of others).

I think it's time to call in the therapist.

Please take care of yourself.

Well, it doesn't sound like much has changed with your mom. I know I've responded a couple of times to questions about this. I'm sorry it hasn't gotten any better.

I went through a period in my life where I was resentful, angry, and kept telling my mom she favored my siblings, and she didn't want to have a thing to do with me. She said "I love you dear, but I don't love your behavior."

I realized I sounded like a needy sulky child. I can't stand my own kids when they are like that.

Therapy is really good for people going through what are experiencing. Sometimes this goes further back and just keeps surfacing every time we feel slighted.

Not sure if that was helpful, but I do hope it gets better. Just lower your expectations and concentrate on the positive.

Good luck :)

I'm very sorry your mom changed gears on you so callously. It must be quite a shock and difficult to adjust to when she wasn't like this previously. Very strange.

However, the ladies are right. You've tried. You can't force her to care. Putting her on a Christmas card list, maybe sending her a change-of-address card, that's about as far as you should go right now. I would agree with your other family (and it sounds like you have their support, so take heart in that) - you need to stop chasing after her. Whatever her issue is it's not you.

Therapy would definitely help you out. I'm sorry this has happened.

Put her on your Christmas card list and leave it at that.
A relationship with a parent shouldn't have to be this hard.
If you have to bend over backwards, wiggle your left ear and whistle Dixie - who needs this?

You need to let go of wanting her to be someone she isn't.
Accept her for the jackass she is and you simply not care when or if she finds out you moved.
It's not like you haven't told her.
She just wouldn't listen.
This is all on her and not at all on you.
You are free if you let yourself be.
Just do it.

Does your mom not have your cell phone number?

If I were you, I would try to remember that you can't change other people, you can only change yourself and your reaction.

Oft times a parent covers for the other parent when they're lacking in social skills or necessary manners.

When your dad died you probably are seeing a side to your mother that he saw and covered for her. You might have never known about it because he was behind her prompting her to call you, be polite to sis, to do things like a normal person. That voice in her ear that was making her seem normal.

I truly imagine this was who he was married to for many years.

I don't think I have good advice for you. But I just wanted to say don't start playing games back at her and not give her your new address. I would give her a call and let her know your new address and invite her over to see your new place. I'm sure she knows you have moved, but for some reason she chooses to focus on other things. She sounds like a damaged person...someone with issues and who has not been a good mother to you. I am sorry for that. What I have learned (from my mother and father disappointing me) is to just sort of pull back and be distant yet polite. Therapy helped me...have you done this yet? What I learned is my mother will never change and that she is flawed, narcissistic, insecure, controlling, cruel at times, and has no loyalty... and that I needed to stop expecting her to be a certain way. I have learned that my father will never change....I will never be a priority to him and he will never make an effort to have a relationship with me. Yes, it hurts. So it helps me to just keep my distance and enjoy my life, my husband and kids, and my friends. We are all not so lucky to have nice, loving normal parents to raise us...I think of myself as a survivor. If I were you, the only way I would not simply call and give her the address and an invite (yet again) is if I reached a point where I was ready to cut her out of my life. I have not reached this with my parents yet...I just make very little effort. It's depressing but it's just the best way to protect myself. I see my dad about once every other year. I see my mom about twice a year. It's the best way. I'm very happy I live in a different state and since I don't see them often, I don't have to be reminded about all the disfunction in my family very often.

I dunno, M.. I read so many posts about interfering, overstepping, nosy, pushy parents who have to have their sticky fingers in every aspect of their adults kids' lives...

Maybe you can refocus your negative reactionary energy towards the positive relationships in your life. That is, if you have any. If not, maybe create some!

:)

I agree with your other family members and think you are lucky they see how your mom is and they are on your side. That makes this sooooo much easier in my opinion. If I were you, I would not contact her at all. And once I did hear from her, if she asks about the move or my new address I would tell her. But I would also limit my time with her. If she invited us over for a bday or holiday, I would only stay for a very short time. And only invite her to the big parties: kids bdays and holidays. That's it. And don't call her for any other reason. Some people that treat us bad actually LIKE to do that and like to see how hurt we are. So accept that your mom has changed and that you and your family are no longer a priority for her. If she asks you about why you don't call or stay long then be honest, "well mom, I moved and you didn't seem to care so I just thought I would move forward with my husband and kids and let you do your thing without us". She will either make more of an attempt...or not. Then you know where you stand. Good luck.

Well of course you are having a big housewarming party. Put the address on the invitation, I am sure she has google.

I hear you that you are very upset that she did not keep tabs on your move. You would not be that way with your own child who was moving.

But you did say the house you moved to is five minutes away. So the "she doesn't even know where her own child is" angle is dramatic. She figures, in her own selfish way, that she'll get to your new place when she does. Meanwhile, with you calling her and trying to show her the house, and living near by so she can borrow stuff, and having all this family involvement...she doesn't feel like you've vanished into thin air. And you haven't.

While her behavior seems outrageous to you, expecting such intense contact seems excessive to me since I see both my parents maybe once per year, tops.

She is not going to live up to your expectations. Find a way to not feel upset in your own life about it. She will find out your address soon and she will come to your house. How you deal with her going forward while she focuses most on your brother may take some therapy to decide. It does not hurt everyone so badly when this happens, but its hurting you, so you have to find relief. If your other family members are encouraging you to stop calling her then A) drama runs in the family and B) that could be a valid option.

Nervy Girl, Rosebud and JC gave excellent answers.

As others have said, you need to adjust your expectations. Your mother isn't you and she should be free to be who she is with you even if you don't like it.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably give myself a time out to enjoy my new home, not dwell on my mother and who she is and a time to refocus on how I think and consider my relationship with her.

Before taking my break I would take the time to send my brother and mother an "Our new address is card.' If you were considering having any kind of house warming I would invite them. If they show up remember it's your party and to have fun. If they don't show up, don't put much weight to it. Let it be what it is. Sort of like you not putting much weight on a rainy day. You can't change the weather and you can't change them. You can only change you.

Enjoy your new home and learn to be a new you. One who isn't hung up on others not meeting your expectations but one who can let them be themselves while you be you.

Feel your feelings, process your feelings, then get on with a better way of thinking about how you are feeling and change your life. Change your mind = change your life.

I hope this helps and encourages you. Personally I believe the change in your mom may very well be physical or psychological. Either way you get to choose how you are going to deal with it from this point forward.

Follow your uncle and aunt's advice. Unless she has a medical condition that is changing her behavior then there just isn't anything for you to do. She's securing her stability and home by caretaking for your brother. He doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

Move on. I get that it hurts. But you cannot change other people. Accept it for the situation it is and don't continue to bang your head against a wall. The wall isn't moving.

My husband had his family move out of state while he was away at a training school for 4 months. He was supposed to come home and live there temporarily when he started work, so he could figure out a permanent location to live. When he was packed ready to come home, he called to say "I'll be there day after tomorrow" and their phone was disconnected.

You cannot change other people.

Sounds like this kind of behavior has been going on for a very long time and initially your dad was the buffer for her, but as you say, now that he is gone, she has gotten worse..
I think it's not that she got worse perse, but rather her focus and negative behavior has simply found a new home.... which is at your brother's..
Let me suggest this..
one, DO send a card to her house and say hello... we moved.. I wanted you to know this so that if you wanted to visit OR see the kids, please let us know.. also, include a phone number if you have so that she can call the kids... that way, she HAS all the info and the ball is in her court..
next.. you can't and will NEVER change her.. you will spin your wheels and feel crappy all the time if you allow yourself to continue to focus on her..
you haven't mentioned it.. BUT... this ordeal wreaks of dysfunctional addict behavior.. and note, the addict who actually drank, smoked, did drugs or whatever the manifestation of the addiction was needn't even be around or having done it in your present.. all that need be there and all that gets passed from generation to generation is the STINKIN THINKIN....
yep... the addict thinking which is often, self-centered, self-absorbed and often resentful, vengeful and well.. many other things..
IF any of this rings true for you and your family...then I personally would consider going to a 12 step (I go for Alanon) and my mother was VERY similar to yours.... IF I didn't call her, I never heard from her...
mind you, I was sent to foster care and even then, she never called me..
anyway.. this problem with mom didn't happen over night and it won't go away overnight.. in fact.. your mom (like many) won't ever change.. but you can... you can find ways to not let this get to you. it will take work though.. that is why I like the 12 steps... you get the tools in program to help you find new ways to cope with people while at the same time, you have to look at yourself.. in program it's said.. before you take someone elses inventory, take your own..
start with you.... that is really all you have control over..

I wouldn't play games with her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her your new address. She'll figure it out. I'd be as hurt as you, but try not to get too depressed about it and realize that you can't control her or make her change. It's sad that she's wasting precious time with her daughter and grandkids. Keep trying to invite her to things here and there and try not to set your expectations too high. Is it normal, no. Is it hurtful, yes. It there much you can do about it, unfortunately no. One quick question though, have you tried to have a heart to heart? Maybe she will wake up if you invite her to lunch and explain how you feel.

This is a great question and a tough one to answer.

I think I would try a couple of things.

I have no idea. My mother is so similar it is eerie. (Circumstances different of course). I will be looking for a wonderful solution. And although my mother has dementia now she was like that always. Some people are just like that. I think I have mentioned this often...I have had to find substitute moms during my life when my own checks out. It is good you vented. Sometimes it can fester and really hurt more.

Updated

I have no idea. My mother is so similar it is eerie. (Circumstances different of course). I will be looking for a wonderful solution. And although my mother has dementia now she was like that always. Some people are just like that. I think I have mentioned this often...I have had to find substitute moms during my life when my own checks out. It is good you vented. Sometimes it can fester and really hurt more.

Updated

I have no idea. My mother is so similar it is eerie. (Circumstances different of course). I will be looking for a wonderful solution. And although my mother has dementia now she was like that always. Some people are just like that. I think I have mentioned this often...I have had to find substitute moms during my life when my own checks out. It is good you vented. Sometimes it can fester and really hurt more.