I have been married to a wonderful man for 18 years. He is a tremendous provider and does not know a stranger when it comes to helping. He has been an extreme help to my mother over the years. We both have assisted her financially as well as other avenues because we wanted to. She threw a fit back in March and stormed out of our home. She said she was tired of my husband's mouth and could not be around him anymore. A week later she goes to where our 16 year old daughter works and proceeds to inform her that she will not be coming to our house anymore. She did tell our daughther that she can come see her though anytime she wanted to. My mother also told my daughter not to tell my husband and I. We are not a family who hides things and of course our daughter told us.
Now, my mother does not contact us much except for me. She took me out to lunch for my birthday. I felt distant from her. She feels, by her actions, that she has done no wrong. How can a parent act this way toward family who has always been there for her? She has done the same with other family members. Over the years she has treated two of my sisters-in-law and brothers the same. My father is the same way. My parents have been divorced for over 40 years.
My husband is very upset with her. He does not want to do anything for her anymore, nor does he want to be around her. My mother is also mad at my daughter because she does not call her when she says she will. I tried to explain to my mother that teenagers are like that.
I love my parents but do not like the way they are with us. I have three brothers and their ages are 52, 50, and 41. I myself will be 47 tomorrow. My parents need to realize we are not little children anymore. I personally am tired of them getting mad at one of the four of us and treating us the way they do. Life is too short.
My mother has also become very close with a woman who is a little younger than me. You might want to say that she has replaced me and my family with this woman and her family. I feel very distant from my mother. She is not the woman I used to know. I am learning how not to treat my daughter. What should I do, let it go or tell my mom how I feel about how she acts?
I emailed my mother about a payment that was due on a charge we let her use for a medical bill. She had asked me when we originally agreed to do this to let her know when the payment was due. That is all that I did. Mind you my husband had no problem doing this for her at all. She responded in a negative fashion to my email and told me not to worry about the money. At that point I decided I nothing to lose. I sent her an email and told her how I felt. In the email I told her she allienates her children and their families when she gets mad at us. She and my father both do this. I'm sure that did not make things better when I told her she and Dad were alike in that area. They have been divorced for 42 years and don't communicate at all. I told her she is not to discuss my husband and I to our daughter. I won't stop her from seeing her grandmother but I will stop her as to what she says to her. As far as her friend I told her I hope she finds the daughter in her that she always wanted. They have become very close. I have asked Mom to do things over the holidays and she said she and Elizabeth already had plans. I regret this all occurring but I will not be treated like this and neither will my family. She has not responded to me at all. My mother is a bitter person and I pray for her. Hopefully she will come around some time but she will have to talk to all of us not just me. Thank you all for your advice and keeping me in your thoughts. Have a great week and God bless!
I'd tell her that if she wants one, she gets you all. You are a family and will act as such.
Personally, it sounds like you've got nothing to lose. If you want to get your mom back into yours and your siblings' life, go for it, have a long serious talk.
However, taking into consideration what you have mentioned, I wouldn't expect a whole lot to change since there is something very dysfunctional about the way your mom deals with things. You may never know why she is like that either.
Accept that you will not be able to change her, but at least you have done everything within your power to attempt to make things as smooth as possible. That's all you can really do.
Good luck! And just like you said, you have learned how NOT to treat your own daughter.
PS. Do not rule out that she could be developing Alzheimer's. Especially if she was not like this before.
Hi Marieanne,
I am really curious to see some of the responses you'll get.
I am of the belief that some people are just impossible.
For instance, your mother sounds a lot like my husbands grandparents and mom.
To the point that they don't like me and they reject their own grandchildren and great grand children.
I must say that the mom is like that with everyone, selfish.
We have come to the conclusion that if hubby wants to see her, he can go whenever he wants to. I'm not interested.
She's welcome here if she would "ever" come here, she won't. We've offered to drive her here for the day to see the grandkids and she thinks we need to take them to her. No. I am done giving.
Your hubby has every right to be done too.
If he sees her, be respectful, otherwise, to each their own.
If your sibblings are in the 50's, then your mom must be high 60's or older.
I don't know that I'd bother with a confrontation.
Your responsability as a daughter to her begins and ends somewhere. Your marriage is a different story. If they can't get along, and you already know you can't change people.... then your hubby also needs peace and why put everyone through the stress.
I would insist to my daughter that she calls and visits grandma. It will benefit her as an adult. Sometimes the things we do are not the fun or pleasant but they are "right" even if the other person is flat out wrong.
That's my opinion. I wouldn't wish this on anyeone, I can imagine your stress. But if your mom brings your hubby up I'd say, do not talk about him and we will have a nice visit.
Well, that's how I think I'd handle it.
Like with my hubby, if his mom even "insinuates" a comment about me, he immediately cuts her off and says change the subject or the conversation is over.
Amy
M.-- I have similar problems with my own mother. However, I accept that I cannot change her attitudes. If she does something that is hurtful to me, or my family--then it is time for a talk. NOT the easiest thing, since I'm always a "daughter" before an adult. To honor your mother, try to simply state--watch the phrasing or it'll sound like an accusation--what her behavior is doing to your family. You might try asking her what caused her to take this recent path of avoiding you/your husband. Mom is likely to have more to tell you. So listen. Honesty may be REALLY uncomfortable, but you'll be better in the long run if you don't avoid the situation--it only makes things worse.
M.,
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. It can be so painful for sure. A few things come to mind. It may be a sign of Alzheimer's. My grandmother displayed piculiar behavior prior to her diagnosis. We had to trick her to be tested as she refused. Another concern is the other woman in her life. Be cautious as to her motivation. She may be out for any assets your mother may have. Sorry to be so bleak, but that's my take on it. Good luck!
My gut reaction is to suggest talking to her. She needs to know how she makes others feel. Have your brothers discussed this with her in the past? If they have & she ignores their comments, then it's best to leave the matter alone with your mom while you're are dealing with your own family. I'd be there for my husband & daughter first.
My own mother-in-law plays favorites. She always has preferred my brother-in-law to my husband. I cringe at the stories I've heard (from him & others) about how "unfair" things were. Now she's doing it with our children and it breaks my heart. But that's just how she is. I truly know that she loves all of us, but it's clear to those in the family & those on the outside who she favors. It's so hard to deal with & accept at times, but we pray & try to be there for each other. (If anyone has advice for us, I'd love to hear it!) :)
Good luck. It sure is a tough situation to be in. Always show God's love -- that's the way to live!
You need to let your mother know how you feel about her current behavior.
Sounds to me like you have done far more for her than necessary and she is feeling guilty and embarassed.
She also sounds like one of those individuals who wants all of the attention, can only be friends with one person at a time, and likes to create stress for others.
Frankly I wouldn't have gone to lunch with her, but I understand she is your mom.
Your daughter, on the other hand, should not tell your mom she is going to call and not do it. That is a lack of respect, consideration, and proper behavior on her part. If she has a job she understands responsibility and should not be irresponsible in her actions to her grandmother.
Your mom put your daughter in a very bad position and maybe this is your daughter's way of showing your mom how she feels about the situation. It would be best if your daughter just told her grandmother how she felt about being treated that way at work which was inappropriate in the first place. I would tell your mother she has no right to approach personal business at a place of employment, it was totally out of line and she owes your daughter an apology.
Explain to your mother her behavior towards your family is unacceptable. I would talk to the other siblings, find out if they feel the same way you do and then as a group get together with her and let her know collectively how all of you feel about the way she is treating the other members of the extended family. She can be polite or her presence is not necessary. If she can't come to a family gathering for birthdays and holidays she needn't expect you to come to her either. Make it a point to remind her if she is in the habit of giving gifts then she can mail them to you and you will write her a thank you card.
P. R
Is this situation all of a sudden, or has she had a dislike for your husband for a while? Or, has your husband changed his behavior any? It just sounds a little strange to me that she would up and say she doesn't want to be around him anymore. It would make sense (sort of) if you had only been together for a short time, but 18 years? That's a bit of a long time to decide whether you like someone or not.
Personally, I would do this... I would have a talk with her and explain to her that you are not going to cater to her. You and your husband are a family, so if you're invited somewhere, he goes too. Let her know that it is only going to hurt her because it will affect her relationship with your daughter. I would also tell her that you don't want her speaking to your daughter about such matters. There are some things that children just shouldn't hear. My mom would never tell my children that she doesn't like their father and doesn't want to be around him anymore. The things that does to a young psyche.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially since you are a grown woman with an almost-grown child. Maybe your mom is just getting old and persnickety?
I wish you well and hope everything works out for you and your family.
God bless,
A.
You can love your mom, you can treat her with respect, but that doesn't mean you have to like her or like the things that she does. I think you should say something to her. You should tell her that it hurts you that she has decided to write off your family. Not because you have done things for her, but because no matter how disrespectful she has been to you, your family an the rest of her family you have never written her off. You have loved her and treated her with kindness in spite of her faults and if she can't do the same for you then it is probably best that she stay away as she intended. I think you should also tell her in no uncertain terms that she is not to speak about your husband with disrespect, especially not to his daughter. If that happened again I would tell her that she will lose the privilege of a relationship with your daughter.
I realize that she is elderly, but people sometimes need to be told when they are wrong. I wouldn't go off on her or anything "Jerry Springer." Treat her with respect because your character and faith require it of you, but tell her what you need to in order to defend yourself and your family.
If you haven't discussed this with your mother, I would at least make an effort since she is still talking to you. Tell her how hurt you and your family are, and ask what it is exactly that happened that made her change her actions. She probably won't change because of this, but I do believe that you must stand by your husband and your own family. You may have to tell her that you are a family unit and that if she wants to see her child or grandchildren that you all go together...you can't just pick and choose who you like. Perhaps your teenager daughter is hurt by how she's treated you and that's why she doesn't return her calls, etc.
It will be hard for you because I'm sure you love your mother. But, maybe it was only because of the financial help that she kept her feelings to herself for so long. I'm sorry you have to go through this....it's hard when people try to split your family, but I've always practiced that we stand together as a unit.
Good luck!!
some could just be her age as well. My mom is 80 now, and sometimes my sisters and I are floored by what comes out of her mouth. She doesn't even realize it's inappropriate, or overstepping boundaries. I read an article recently on some new research on aging brains, where they found that one section of the brain that pretty much moderates those sorts of comments no longer works the same as people age. And considering how we watch her aging, and compare what's happening to what happened to her older brothers and sisters, you can see it basically being the same. So you may want to just figure out a way to deal with her the way she is. At her age you are not going to get her to change her ways. Good luck!
It can be very difficult when it comes to dealing with family. We love them so much, but at the same time because of all the history and baggage, things can get very uncomfortable.
I think your mom is acting childish. If it were me, I would sit down and have a heart to heart talk. I would lay it on the line, explaining how you feel and that you and your husband are a package deal. Meanwhile, if your husband said or did anything that was hurtful, then I do believe that he needs to apologize and make it right. If after all that is said and done, she still refuses to come around, then I would say, "Mom, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!" She'll get over it eventually, come slinking back, and probably act as it nothing happened! Good luck!!
M. D, What exactly did your husband say? I would tell her how you feel, but try not to be very confrontational. My family had a period of about 6 years where two of my siblings didn't speak. It tore the whole family apart. More than that, it will only hurt you and your husband to hold a grudge. That bitterness only eats you up inside. The sooner you can forgive the better for you. If your mother cannot forgive, it will hurt her the most. She really does need to learn to be a better communicator. Dragging your child into it isn't the way to go. This was a problem that started with you and your husband, not your daughter. Would your husband try to put his feelings aside for your sake and let you handle it instead of wanting to go with his feelings and add fuel to the fire? You do need to let her know how you feel and how her actions hurt you. Good Luck and God Bless you and your family. N. L.
Honestly, you can do both! And I CERTAINLY WOULD. Tell her how you feel and let go. I STILL would send a card or call on her birthday, invite her to family things (if you and/or your family chose to), etc. and put the ball in her court. On your end, act as if nothing has changed.
Once you've stated your defense and discussed this (and you never did say why she stomped out) YOU'RE DONE! Life is too short to hang onto grudges.
If something would happen to her....you've continued to acknowledge her as your mother, etc. and won't regret it. If she chooses NOT to come around, that's HER problem.
If she does and causes problems, then you have to TELL HER that if she wants to be around your family, "here are the rules". You're an adult and old enough to set your own set of boundaries where your family and its welfare is concerned. She should respect that. You'll acquire a little self-respect in the process, too, and teach your family how to deal w/ difficult people.
I think you should explain to your mother how you feel. I had a simalier thing like that. Me and my brother had got into a fight and didn't talk for a year. Then I get a call that he is in the hospital and has had a fattal heart attack. He didn't make it through the night. I would give anything in the world to go back and do things over. I would hate for one person in this world go through the pain that I go through every day wishing I had done something different. Tell her how you feel and that you still love her and want to be in her life. If she don't have the same feelings then there is nothing you can do, but at least you can rest knowing that you had done your very best at trying to smooth things out.
I hope everything works out for you.
First of all, Happy Birthday!
Second, this might be a medical condition with your Mother - maybe some kind of chemical imbalance. We went thru that with my grandparents.
third, maybe you should write your mother a long letter explaining how you feel and that you still love her and how much you and your family miss her. I would take it to her with a single rose, hug her, kiss her cheek, and then walk away and let her read the letter.
Good luck.....like is way too short...do all you can before you lose her.
I don't think she realizes the effect she's having on the family. Try reflecting back the things she says and the effects it has on the family. She likely needs some counseling to work on communication and problem resolution. She seems to be hiding and running away from resolution.
Since this is a part of her character, you can deal with it or let her go. She's trying to make everyone submit to her control by stepping out of their lives. You can either submit to her controlling and guilt-ridden actions and let that eat away at your family or move on with your lives. Set your own boundaries. Let her know that behavior is not acceptable. Tell her what she did and how it made you feel and the effect on the family. Tell her what she could do instead when she's upset or ways to resolve her feelings and frustrations. If she doesn't like that, then you have to move on. Let it go. You have your own family to raise and you can't let her behavior hurt your family. Make get togethers with the other family members, reunions, holidays, whatever. Let her know she's invited. If she shows up, let her know immediately when she says things out of line. Make everyone intercept and try to resolve the problem before she jumps to conclusions and just cuts everyone out. Who knows why she is really doing all this? It might have to deal with a medical condition, a fear of loss or death, etc.
There comes a time when we "parent" our parents. I'd dare say some of the same approaches we used with our children will work with our parents. You don't say why Mom threw a fit so it's hard to be specific on what to do. But we love our children through their fits so why shouldn't we love our parents through theirs as well. We actively seek a relationship with our children taking them places - spending time with them, we should actively seek a relationship with our parents.
What's the fifth commandment? :^)
I would just let your mother stew in her own juice.
Be polite but that is all.
If she asks, tell her that you are eliminating all negativity from your life.
At your age, you do NOT need people with negative attitudes.
Keep in touch with your siblings and their families as you do.
Let your daughter keep in touch with your mother if she wishes, but do not let your mother berate her for whatever.
Your husband and family are first in your life as they should be.
When you do meet with your mother, be polite, if she starts in on you or badmouths your husband, children or siblings,
get up and leave. Just do not put up with it.
As to her new friend, just be thankful there is someone else who has to listen to her complain.
If this behavior from your mother is sudden, then she may be suffering from a medical condition that causes agitation. She may benefit from a doctor's treatment. If she has always behaved this way, you may have little recourse except to allow her to have her "temper tantrum" and allow her to come back to you on her own terms. If you don't chase after her, she will have to face the consequences of her actions.
M. - you have my prayers and my sympathy for this situation. One thought - I am assuming your mom is at least in her 70s based on your siblings' ages, so perhaps she is having some health issues? Perhaps starting into some dementia-type of problem? I don't want to scare you, but it could be a sign that should not be ignored. Once you know whether or not she is well you can make a more understanding decision on how to deal with her from here.
Something similar happend to me last year. All I can say is keep praying for a turn in her heart. Talk to your husband about it, so when she sees the error of her ways, he will be willing to accept that and move on. Thats what I had to do. It worked out for me.
M.,
When I first started reading your post - I thought maybe your mother may have a medical problem. But since she acts this way with other members of the family this seems to be an ongoing problem. Maybe she thinks she is losing control of people and this is her way to regain control. Whatever the problem------------------- If I were you, I would stay away from her. Let her do the contacting. A few times - have other plans and be unable to do her bidding. After once or twice she will ask why you have no time for her. When she asks be very honest with her. Tell her how much you love her but you also love your family and you will not turn your back on your husband or step-children or your daughter. Ask your mother to not put you in a position of having to choose between her and your family. Make it clear to her if she insists you choose - let her know up front - she will be the loser.
If this does not make her stop and think about what she is doing - then you really must put your family first. When she really realizes you will not play her game she may stop trying to control you or your family and become a welcomed member of the family. At least she will know you cannot be manipulated.
Good luck- D. Y.
I know it's difficult when it comes to family. Is your husband respectful to your mother? If he is respectful to her and you, then I would let it be. Give her some time. Sounds like there is a pattern of this with your mom. Your husband will eventually need to talk with her but sometimes there needs to be a cooling down period before confronting her. If not, there may be more hurtful things said that will just make things worse. Parent's sometimes feel they can do and say whatever they please. Does your mom have any health problems? You made the comment "she is not the women I used to know". Before you jump to any harsh decisions, you need to make sure there are no physical or mental problems that need addressed. Good luck. Stay close to your brothers....
Happy Birthday, M.!
It seems very clear that your mother is experiencing a major trial of her own at this time. "Hurting people say hurting things." She is hurting. Why?
It sounds like emotions are running a bit high b/c of the dynamics of recent actions. Your ma experienced a trigger that put her into overwhelmed-mode(when she "stormed out of" your home recently), and her wave crashed. We've all been there in some way.
You mentioned that you "feel distant from her." Would it be safe to look at the source(es) of her pain with her? Let her know that you've noticed and that you'd like to support her through this to discover/eliminate what is bothering her (to the extent you feel appropriate)?
Beautiful Birthday Blessings, M
~ M.
I am thankful that I have never had a problem like this. I am sure this is very hurtful to your entire family. The only thing I think I would do is just let the situation ride itself out and in time hopefully your mother and father will get there eyes open to what they are doing to you. Your parents must be close to my age. I can not imagine any of our three children and four grandchildren treating us this way nor I treating them the way you are being treated. Just keep praying and keep positive other than that enjoy your family and maybe when your parents see that you are not going to run after them they will come back and ask to be forgiven if it is their heart and mind to do so if not there is not much more you can do. Good Luck and keep PRAYING.
Sounds as if your Mother and Father both need to learn to GROW UP. Tell your Brothers and Sister you all need to get them both and the spouses together and confront them both.Tell them the truth how they have hurt you and tell them how much you Love them both but mutual respect needs to be shown to all.Getting older and crankier is no excuse to be MEAN .
I had to do this with my Mother who didn't approve of my life style.She thought I should be married with a houseful of grand babies for her at 22 years old. I told her I wasn't ready for that kind of life.And she could either except me as I am or forget about me , It didn't much matter cause every time I saw her she would put me in tears.Well it worked, She took a look at herself and changed big time . Now we can even laugh at the same jokes.
I have been in the same situation in my life. I am in my 50's now and have seen this many times. Mom seems to be acting childish but that may be due to her feeling her loss of control of her children as they grow more into their own families, this translates to fear. Fear of growing old. If mom has done this same thing to others in the family maybe it is a way to avoid what she may think as future abandonment in her old age, thus she finds ways to cut ties first before they can do it to avoid the hurt and pain (though irrational)as controled by "her" in her time.
I will pray for you and your family to heal. Remember the Lord is able to direct your family back together if you ask Him. One more thing to add ... We all have only a short time on this planet. We can't address our problems, our fears, our sorrows nor regrets after our loved ones are gone. Don't let time run out. God bless. K.
I know situations like this are frustrating, and it is easy to assume it is all related to personality. I am concerned your mom may be suffering from either depression or the early stages of dementia. If it is possible you should talk to her about seeing her doctor for a check-up. I don't know if she would allow you to visit the Dr with her, but her physician should be made aware of her behavior.
If your mother does not have any physical or mental challenges, she knows exactly what she is doing and at this point, conversations with her are useless. It is ok to walk away from this relationship because your relationship with your family is more important than trying to change her. You leave the door open but don't try to drag her through it.
I know the pain this causes but don't sacrifice your family for this. That's exactly what she wants you to do.
Wishing you the best and know that God is able.
I think you said it yourself:"She is not the woman you used to know." Could it be that she has some personality changes due to age? Are you still in touch with your father, so that you could get feedback from him? At any rate she sounds pretty self-centered and needing to create problems for her family to get attention. You can't change her, but you can keep a good thought in your heart for the woman who raised you . You'll have to decide for yourself how much drama and trouble you're willing to put up with. Good luck!
You have received lots of great feedback already. I'm sorry you are going through this with your mom. It must really hurt you that you are so distant from her now. I can definitely relate to that. My husband and I left the church denomination we both grew up in a few years ago, and all of our parents are extremely unhappy with our decision which has really created distance in our relationships with them.
I agree that you need to put your family(You, your husband and daughter) first, and let your mom know that she cannot talk negatively about your husband to you or your daughter. Maybe you could approach your mom with a "feelings" talk and tell her how her behavior makes you feel. You could ask her questions about why she doesn't want to come to your house and try to uncover feelings she may be having underlying her rejection of your husband(and her daughters-in-law). You might want to point out that she is going to need her children and grandchildren around during this phase of her life, and she needs to stop pushing you away. Of course, all of this needs to be said in a loving, respectful way. If she doesn't really understand her behavior or have an explanation for why she's acting this way, then you could offer to take her to the doctor and find out if there is something chemically/medically wrong. Good luck!
