What Would You Do? Family Drama

As hard as it is, I would say back away slowly. Your dad may be motivated by guilt or genuine care in not telling the grandfather, but you don't know. It is indeed HIS sister, and HIS father, and he is the one who should be making these choices along with his siblings. Unless you are particularly close with your grandfather, which it doesn't sound like you are, then it's not your place to ask him to be told. If your father is still not talking with you, then it would be challenging to tell him your thoughts on the matter, but you could write an email explaining your argument for telling his father. But beyond that, I don't think there's much you could do.

I think underneath there is some judgment/resentment toward your father, but recognize that even if it is guilt that's driving his current behavior, at least he is being a doting brother. That's fuel for positive change, and maybe it will lead him to make some better efforts in the future. No matter his past mistakes, he is still facing the loss of his sister, and although he's throwing nastiness toward you, muster as much compassion as you can for these circumstances and the people in them. If you can table your resentment for a spell, you may find you will all be better off later.

Sorry to hear about it all. If your aunt is a loner and doesn't want bothered much, and you've always felt like sje was more of an acquaintance,then I suggest that you've done your bit by offering help and have been more or less turned away, then you've got to let it go. Holding resentments can destroy a person, and your father sounds like he may very well be a toxic individual for you to be around. These are all very bad things for you, or anyone for that matter. Whether she is your aunt or not is irrelevant; The situation is what it is and what it has always been,you have done your best to be accomidating and appropriate, your aunt's status will pretty much follow suit with her diagnosis, so stop torturing yourself by calling your dad so he can be nasty to you-YOU are healthy, you have a life to get on with, you have been a great and caring niece, so focus your attention on the positives in your life. I don't want to sound like a creep, if I do I am sorry. Also, I just wanted to say something in relation w/your grandfather not knowing. It does not matter how old one gets, the death of a child is the death of a child. I worked as a CNA for years, and I saw a lot of death, especially in nursing homes, and I can tell you that every single person that was dying, that had lost a child before dying themselves, still cried for that dead child(adult or otherwise) before passing. So, your father's intentions may not be selfish. My aunt died of cancer years ago and when my grandma found out, she had a complete breakdown, and never walked or was right again. You've done all you could, I'd say count the blessings in your life, be there if you are called upon, but back away from the situation

My Aunt was the care taker of my grandmother and made the decision not to tell my grandma that my mom passed away. My brother, sister and I questioned her motives at first, but respected her decision since she was the one to have to pick up the pieces. We joked that when grandma got to heaven she would ask my mom what she was doing there.

Just make sure that whatever you do or don't do today won't cause you regret or more family drama later.

It seems like they have his best interest at heart and good intentions. It sounds like your aunt would tell him if she wanted to - and it is her decision as it is her illness. Situations like this get sticky and there may not be a good answer. If you feel strongly, I'd talk to your Dad about it - give your opinion, then let it go and let them deal with it.

when my grandmother went into a nursing home, my parents told me that they were keeping information from her and it bothered me. it was things that they had a legal right to handle without her but things that i assumed she would want to know about or participate in. it wasn't until i visited my grandmother myself that i understood the change in her mental and physical abilities and realized that my parents and other family members who had been visiting her more often were right and were handling things well.

i say live and let live. you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. you may have to just go on with your life. why worry about some people that don't want to even be bothered with you. now of they call for help, go help them. but other then taht go on about your business.

Visit your aunt, regardless of how well you know her...she is your aunt.
Tell your dad your thoughts about telling his dad, but otherwise say nothing.
Why would the grandfather have to stay in a hotel? Couldn't he stay with your dad or you?

It sounds like you have a deep heart. I don't think you should tell your grandfather anything about your aunt, that is her business to let him know, not anyone else. I think you should keep trying and praying for your relationship with your father to improve. However, keep it healthy on you. Spend as much time with each of them as you can. You don't get back yesterday so make the most of each day. When death faces us, we tend to see what is really important and what's not.
God Bless You!

You can take a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Just keep being as open as you want/can and know that is the best you can do. Care giving for a terminal person is soo emotionally taxing so I hope you can keep trying to support your dad, but again you can't force it just keep letting him know you are there. Send your aunt a card or letter once in a while to brighten her day it's not a visit, but let's her know you are thinking about her. I think a lot of people feel guilt when someone passes, just know you are doing the best you can.