What Would Happen to My Kids If We Were to Die?

When our children were little, we decided that if we were to die they should be raised by a couple with whom we had (and have) been friends since college days. We chose them because there is dysfunction among our relatives. They were agreeable to being specified in our wills. They wouldn't have raised our children exactly the way I'd have preferred, but it was the best choice out of the options we had. Actually, it would have been similar. Our children would have grown up at least with good educations and good values, and I was trusting to God for the rest.

But you and your husband are thinking about a good subject. Check your state laws; it could be that if you don't specify who will take care of your children in such a sad event, then the courts will decide, and your preferences won't have much to do with it.

Well, you need to write up a will so your wishes are known. We decided on my sister and her husband, though my nieces are NOT very well behaved at all. We know that it has more to do with my brother in law than with my sister. We decided that she would be the best to raise our kids. Though we differ on a LOT of things, I know that she would do the best job at this point in time. I wanted to name my parents, but as much as they love my kids, they wouldn't be able to raise kids again. With their ages and medical issues, they aren't the best choice. One thing you will want to do though, to protect your children and your money, is set up a trust, and make the person in charge of the money someone DIFFERENT than the person with the kids. I would have it set up though, that the person with the kids, gets a set amount, or has access to a set amount at all times, and anything more than that they need to get from the person in charge of the money. I would also make sure that it's set up that all receipts need to be kept at all times, so their is an accounting of the money.

I have a good friend who is a single mom and she has a sister, but they do not get along at all. She asked me and my husband to sign papers giving us legal guardianship in case anything ever happens to her. I doubt that it ever will, but now she knows her son would be cared for properly in the even of her death. She also has an ex MIL, aunt, etc but decided we were her best choice.
Think about your friends, married and single, younger and older, etc. and choose the best case scenario. And ask them to sign guardianship papers.
As for your good friends who have very different religious views, I guess you need to choose the lesser of two evils in that case vs. them or a sibling or grandparent. The important thing is that the kids are cared for and kept healthy and happy. If our "potential kid" DID have very different religious beliefs, I think in our case, my hubby and I would make sure that his religious beliefs were supported if something happened to his mom.

No one is going to raise your kids the way you would. That's the first thing you need to realize. Hopefully, if something did happen and you specified that you wanted your children raised in a specific religion (for example), your friends would respect your memory enough to do that for you, but it's not going to be the same. God forbid something like that happen to your family.

My husband and I have decided on my parents (although we haven't had the nerve to tell his parents that - hopefully, they'll never have to find out). I think my parents would do a wonderful job with my children, but I am concerned because they are older and may not be in the best of health when my children are older. My husband's brothers and parents aren't really any option, and neither is my brother. We are currently looking at our friends for a "back up," but haven't found anyone we trust just yet. It's an extremely difficult decision, and I'm afraid we'll face something similar to you - we'll probably end up choosing someone less than ideal and hope that they will trust the way we want our children raised. Best of luck.

Luckily we decided this when we set up our trusts before kids so we have it in writing. This decision is never easy. Let's face it, no one will be able to raise your kids better than you but you do need to make the choice and weigh the pros and cons. The rule of thumb in my family is the more you are prepared and have these decisions decided etc..the lease likely something will happen. While I want to see my kids grow up I don't want to take the risk of courts deciding either. In my case my parents would become the guardians should something happen. I would suggest you make a list of people and weigh the pros and cons and go with your best choice and then second..third etc...Down the road if circumstances change..you can always make a change in your will.

We chose a couple from our church, because our religion is very important to us.
We spoke with these people and then we set it up that they would get access to the life insurance and be able to raise our kids and then distribute any assets to them when they came of age.
We know that our family will be together for eternity if we remain worthy, so we just wanted someone there to pinch hit for us in case we were not able to.
Our youngest two are 15 and 16 now , so we figure we will be around for another three years and get them graduated.

If you don't have something in writing, then the court system will decide amongst the people in your life who want (or don't refuse to take) them, probably preferring family members, and probably using various other criteria spelled out in your state's laws.

My suggestion would be to find a good friend that would be willing to care for your kids since you don't trust your family members. But you also need to discuss it with the potential person first. Do you and your husband have a Last Will and Testament? If not, see an attorney to draw one up for you and in the Will you can have a clause that discusses the guardianship of your children should something happen to both of you. That takes the burden off your family/friends and you can rest assured. Hope this helps.

I.,

There is no rule that says family has to have custody of your children. Take a look at your friends. Maybe you and your husband are close to someone.

If you really don't want your children raised by your and his siblings, then you had better have something in writing. For a time, we had the same issue. It is hard to choose friends over family but you have to think about what is best for your kids. Now my kids are older and we as a family have discussed where they would go.

Good luck.
~K.

The saying goes, better a devil you know than a devil you don't. Even if the sibling aren't how you might of raised your kids. They are "good people". Friends are more often on good behave and you might not know them as well you think you do. Best choice of the four siblings with the help of the Grandmothers.

Right down your parenting style and they can try to flow your wishes it if it happens.

you just have to appoint the most responsible person you can think of as god parents, or get new friends!

Make lists and decide who is better for what. You can split the responsibilities among multiple people. Finances, Raising, Religious Training. Maybe a solution could be having you friends raise your kids, and someone else handle their religious training and then put their money/inheritance in to a Trust or with someone you trust handling their money for them. You will not figure this out over night. Take time to discuss things and have backups and make sure that you talk to the people you choose to make sure they are ok with their responsibility.

Your kids don't need to go to family if the worst should happen, but if you don't specify otherwise in your will, then that's what will happen.

I'm an only child, and my husband only has one brother who is not fit to raise a child. In addition to that, none of our close friends really fit the bill either! We ended up choosing a woman my husband used to work with and her husband. Of all the people we know, they seem like they could provide the most stable environment for our kids.

Here are the points that we decided were most important to us, hopefully this helps you & your husband narrow it down: Must live nearby with little chance of moving out of state. (We would want our kids to remain near their grandparents if we were gone.) Must have an excellent marriage. (Several of our friends were ruled out for this reason! Our kids would be traumatized enough if they were orphaned, wouldn't want them to have to go through a divorce too.) Must attend church. (In the end it mattered less to us what type of church, and more that faith is an important part of their life.) Must have financial security. (This sounds superficial, but taking on several extra kids would be a burden on anyone.)

Keep in mind that you don't need to worry about offending anyone with this decision. The only way anyone will know who you chose is if you both die, and then you won't be around to care!

My husband is an only child and I have one brother. Initially we had asked my brother and his wife to be the guardian if we both passed away. Unfortunately, after spending time recently in their home and after watching their lifestyle, we have change our minds.
Now, we have asked my parents to be the guardian and have asked a close friend of mine to help them out. We were worried about leaving 2 kids for my parents to raise. They would be 78 and 80 when the youngest graduates high school. For us, the best option was to have my close friend act as back up. I know they would be able to work together and support the kids through a very tough time. We are going to put a letter of explanation with the will to try to soothe any hurt feelings. Hopefully, we will never have to use this.
The other posters are correct. No one will ever love them or raise them as you will. We thought long and hard about who would be able to support the kids and love them. Who would be willing to set their interests aside and help the kids at a very difficult time in their life. We also wanted someone who shared our religious and political values. It was also important that if we chose someone outside the family, they would try to keep our families involved in the girls' lives. You and your husband need to decide what is important to you and then look around at who fits that picture.

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We too picked friends over family when we wrote our will. Both my brothers were at the time, bachelors and we didn't feel it would be fair to them. The one sibling on my husband's side with similar values and parenting style, lives on the west coast. We thought that if God Forbid our kids lost both of us, it would be more trauma to uproot them from the only home they've known and start all over 1/2 way across the country. So we talked to a friend of mine I've known since high school (30 years) who agreed.
But as other posters have said, you must get it in writing.

I don't have time to read all the responses so I apologize if this has already been addressed.

My husband and I agreed that there was no one in either of our families that we would want ot raise our kids so we asked some friends and they have agreed to take our kids if something should happen to the both of us. It wasn't a decision we made lightly, we discussed it for a long time and decided on them because they have the same morals, religious beliefs and are raising their children the same way we are ours. We asked them if they would be willing and let them have time to discuss it before answering. Luckily they said yes!! Then we met with an attorney and had our Wills and Trusts drawn up. This is very important...if you don't have your wishes in a Will then your kids will end up in foster care until your family hashes out who will take them and were they will go. Who's to say that your kids wouldn't be split up to different homes?? I don't think you would want any of that for your kids or family. It's funny that your questiosn came up today because my husband and I are leaving for vacation tomorrow without the kids...I just had a baby in January so we discussed it with our friends to make sure they were okay with taking two now and then callled the attorney to update the Wills. Hopefully you can get this resolved soon...you just never know what is going to happen from day to day. Good luck!!