Need Help with a Sensitive and Awkward Situation!

I wouldn't mention it. If it comes up at all, you'll already be dead so it won't be a problem for you.

Don't tell her. Odds are it won't ever be an issue. And if she's as all over the place as you say, she's probably forgotten, and would be relieved that it's not her responsibility. It's just not worth getting into this conversation with her at all.

I wouldn't tell her. Chances are you will not both die before the kids are grown and this will never be an issue, no need to make it one. If something does happen you don't own anyone an explanation on why you choose who you did. The only people who know who we choose are the people we choose (to get their okay first).

If telling her would ruin your friendship -- then she's not the person who should have your kids. No real, deep friend is going to freak out and cut you off over this choice.

If she is a mature and thoughtful adult, she should be able to understand when you tell her that you and your husband decided the kids should be with family after all. Just leave it at that because you do not want to get into "...and here's why you and your husband just aren't what we want in guardians." Frame it very simply as "My husband's brother and his family want the kids in this circumstance, and have kids who are already very close to our own kids and are their cousins. I know it meant a lot to you that we talked about guardianship but that was without my husband's wishes or our relatives' input in the mix. It doesn't change the way I feel about you." Then move on and don't let her grill you or pick at you about why, why, why. Again -- if she is mature she won't do that but will let it go.

Don't be surprised if she says, "You know, I didn't know how to say it, but we too would like the kids to go to (whatever relative). I was afraid you'd be hurt." That would be ideal, frankly, unless you really, truly do want to take on her kids -- never say yes to guardianship unless you actually can picture the reality of new kids entering your home permanently, and all the impact that has on your own kids, your marriage, etc.

If she does say, "What a relief, we too want other guardians and not you, A.," tell her, "I get it for sure! No problem." Move on to another topic immediately.

If she goes off the rails and is angry at you, you know that she would absolutely have been the wrong choice, and you did the right thing for sure. If you lose the friendship over this, she was not the right person from the start.

There is the option of not telling her about this change but I for one would tell her so she has no expectations. If you have decided you don't want to be listed as guardian of her children, you need to tell her. And again...if she would cut you off over that, she's not a keeper as your friend. Sad, but true.

I've changed official guardianship of my children in my will a few times, as circumstances and needs change.

A lot of people never get around to putting something in writing, so they might not ever bring up the topic. No need to discuss it unless they do. If they ask in the future, just casually say you decided to keep the kids with family members.

BTW, you can put your financial assets in a trust and assign a financial trustee that is separate from the children's guardian. This will help ensure that your money is used in the way you see fit. Payments can be made to the guardian, rather like child support, and specific costs like medical and college can be paid directly.

I see no reason why you should even bring this up. In the event that the alternate guardianship occurs, you and your husband will not be around to have to explain yourselves anyway. Things happen and people evolve as they age. What you thought was a wonderful idea then simply doesn't seem so great now. Any conversation that you have regarding this will be perceived by her as you not believing she is good enough for this...which is essentially what you are saying. I simply would not bring this up at all.

This question has come up before.

Nah, you don't need to tell her. Just put the other people in your will. When and if you die, which is highly unlikely, she can curse your grave if she feels wounded enough, but you won't be around to care.

It's really not something you should have to discuss with anyone and everyone who wasn't chosen and why. These decisions are very personal and very private, that is why it is only usually discussed with the family that you have chosen, to make sure they are on board as well. If it still weighs on your mind, you could go ahead and write that letter or talk to her about it, but I would focus on why you chose your brother's family (really it makes the most sense to keep children in the family anyways) instead of why you changed your mind about her, all her mistakes in life, her unfriendly husband etc.

Are you sure she would remember this plan? If it wasn't put in writing its likely that she too has matured and realizes that it's likely you would do differently several years later. These sorts of "promises" made when young are not considered a life long commitment. You both made plans back then that you didn't follow through on. We do that when young and not aware of how life will be.

No, don't tell her. Chances are, this would never come to pass. If it does, you won't be around to worry about it and I'm sure she would understand that circumstances change.

I initially named my aunt and her husband as guardian of my oldest son, behind my parents, because my siblings were young and single and she was married and planning her family at the same time my son was born. Well it's 16 years later and the guardian is one of my sisters, because she is grown up now and lives nearby and would be an excellent caregiver to my children. I didn't bother telling my aunt about the change.

ETA if you haven't done so already, you need to set up a trust for your insurance money with a trustee who is a different person (could be a person you know is good with money or you can hire a professional) than the guardian. The trustee would have to approve any use of the funds and ensure that distributions are for legitimate expenses that meet the criteria you set out in the trust.

Well first of all, I hope you haven't named your brother-in-law as the beneficiary of your will. That's not what you do with insurance money. You have a trust set up for your children. The court has someone manage that trust and will not allow that money to be spent on something other than your children. If there is money for their college fund, it won't go to renovate your brother-in-law's house so that they can have a $60,000 kitchen that "works better" with two more kids in the house...

(And don't sit here and say to yourself, "My BIL would never do that." You have NO idea what people will do when they have a windfall drop in their laps.)

By having a trust, the court will keep anyone who is NOT taking care of your children away from the money, which is another reason to not just name someone as beneficiary of the insurance money. If something happens that your BIL doesn't take the children, there would be nothing to MAKE your BIL share that money with whoever IS taking care of them. Just because your will names your BIL as your children's caretaker DOES NOT mean that he will end up with the children.

As for your friend, don't bring it up. There is no reason to. My kids are now past the age of anyone taking care of them. After we initially talked about it, no one brought it back up. Your friend won't either. Just set things up correctly NOW, especially about the trust. Don't make it irrevocable either. You may live another 50 years and you'll want to change your beneficiary info once they are grown.

And don't leave a letter. If you do, you will upset her even more. It would be better for her to wonder why, than know what you really think. Promise.

I wouldn't bother telling her and if it comes up you don't have to point out her flaws simply point out that relatives come first in this situation...

People change their minds about these things all the time over long passages of time.
Don't mention it.
But if she brings it up sometime, just say you didn't take that old girl-hood promise seriously and you've made other arrangements.
If she still wants you to be guardians for her kids, graciously decline stating you think closer family members would be better choices.

Nope. No need to tell her.
Most likely this will never be revealed.

i wouldn't bother telling her. If it every has to come to light you won't be around and chances are she may feel relieved.

When we wrote our will and made decisions about our kids we talked to the two couples and that was it. We didn't talk to the other 4 siblings in question (between my husband and I there were 6 sibling/spouse couples from which to choose) becuase it didn't concern them. My daughter is now in college and y son is in high school so it's probably time to change our will! (Time goes by soooooo fast!)

Bottom lines - there's no need to tell her so why bother? the likelihood that she'll ever find out is pretty slim so why create hurt feelings if you don't need to?

i am all about honesty. but i don't know that this is something that MUST be aired.
ideally, of course, it should be. and if she's truly a close friend, the friendship would survive. the fact that you feel it wouldn't is a good indicator that this was a good choice.
if the conversation would arise, of course you'd need to take the bull by the horns. but if not, the chances of it coming to light are very small.
i really like the idea to leave her a letter. not explaining that she's irresponsible and her husband unloving, but warmly and lovingly letting her know how much you appreciate her, and that for a variety of reasons (no details) you changed your mind.
i lived next door to a beloved bestie for years during the raising-littles stage. we were SO close. our kids were like siblings. during that phase we were both also seeking religious answers outside of the religions in which we'd been raised (hers 7th day adventist, mine mormon.) time passed, they moved away (which broke my heart), and she ended up deeply embedded back within the bosom of her family church, while i went in the opposite direction and have left monotheistic faiths altogether. we've never talked about it, but i'm 100% sure that it's been years since i was named in their will to take their kids. i know she would not be comfortable with them in a home that wasn't fully committed adventist, and i would never have wanted my kids in one that was.
fortunately we're both still around, and the kids are past needing it.
:) khairete
S.

The reality is, you've matured and realized 'great friend' does not equal 'great parent/guardian'.

You know how you want your kids to be raised and she does not represent that. That is being a good parent.

I see no reason to bring it up to her. Anyway, your husband was not a part of that promise you made, I think that would tip her off that it might not be legit.........

I wouldn't say anything at all.

Hi sweetie, I have a similar situation....several years ago I put my two friends as my POA....one medical and over finances. We don't *not* talk but we don't really keep in touch anymore. When I did my will my attorney said if I change my mind, I haven't yet, then no reason to tell them. How awkward would that be. It feels like something we should say but when that will is needed, we'll be gone, so maybe that sounds crappy or a cop out, but I think why make things weird/awkward/drama when it doesn't need to be. Just my opinion. I wouldn't tell her. When/if I change mine I'm not gonna mention it, I'll just give the new ppl a copy of my will.

I think it's actually much harder to explain giving guardianship to a more distant relative or a friend over a closer relative, so I think you have nothing to explain. As Jill said, you have no reason to bring up the topic with them, and if it does come up, you have an easy out of 'we decided to keep the kids with family members.' I can understand that it feels awkward to you, however it is unlikely to enter into your interactions with her.

I wouldn't tell her at all. Make your plan, make sure it's executed legally and press on with life. This is not a sensitive situation. Unless this is something you discuss EVERY TIME you talk with her and if you are in a situation where your health/life is at risk.

You don't need to leave her a letter. It's not necessary. You need to do what's right for your children.

You definitely shouldn't tell her. There is no reason to believe that you and your husband won't be around to care for the kids yourselves, so don't upset her over something that probably won't ever happen anyway. If you want to leave a letter with your will explaining the situation, make sure to highlight the decision to have the children stay with family and do not mention her negative qualities at all as a factor in your decision. Also emphasize in the letter how much you hope she'll stay in their lives as a loving "aunt."

When my son was born, we spoke to my brother and his wife about being guardians and created a will with them named as the primary guardians. Fast forward several years and we made a decision to switch it as well. I haven't told my brother and I don't plan to. I also haven't written a letter, though I did consider doing so.

Anyway, don't say anything to her. It will only hurt her feelings and it probably won't ever matter anyway.

There is no explaining to do unless you want to explain. You do not 'owe' her anything and if she brings up the topic, let her know After discussing it with your husband (and possibly BIL) you felt it was best to assign the responsibility to him and his wife.

Does your BIL know she was going to get them? Maybe you could sometime ask him if this situation ever arises to tell your friend she was a great friend but your husband felt strongly blood matters and he (your BIL) also feels that way and couldn't let his nieces/nephews be with non family. Honestly, I think it kind of does matter. I have a very long time friend and while she is like a sister, her daughter (probably bc they don't live close) isn't like family to me. On the flip side, I don't see my nieces and nephew much either bc of distance but would feel very strongly they should be with me as they are family. Likely your friend would understand that and I'd not say anything in the meantime unless it comes up. And then you can put a big emphasis on your husband. They're his kids too and this is his BROTHER with your kids' cousins. Logical choice.

Don't feel bad. It's perfectly normal to constantly reevaluate--it's a huge decision. We've changed our will in regards to custody twice. Things change. And, I'm sure we'll change it again.

I would tell her. Don't focus on her shortcomings. Just say you & hubby decided family would be best.

Of course you tell her! But you can do so diplomatically. Tell her you and your husband feel it's important for a family member to care for the children in case the worst happens. Tell her that you have told your family members how close you and the children are to her and her family and that it is important that they stay in the kids' lives (even if you haven't done this).

Don't mention at all that you disagree with some life choices she has made or that you have concerns about her husbands lack of affection towards the children.

Frankly, if she can not understand that a family member would be the best, most logical & responsible choice for guardianship than I see where you question her decision making. If you give your children to a friend, you are basically taking a HUGE risk (almost a guarantee, in my book) that your kids will not be close to your (or your husbands) family, possibly not even stay in contact at all. Yikes!

Sounds like her husband would be relieved to hear the news so maybe he will talk some sense to her. If she ends her friendship with you over this, be thankful that you have made the right decision not to give your children to her.

Congratulations on making the right decision for your kids and hopefully it will never come to pass!

You should inform her. If the time should come, she might try to contest the will knowing that you wanted her to raise your children.

She will understand. Make your choices known to her.