OK, so this may seem a little mean, but I can't stand my 10 yr old son's friend. He does nothing but whine and complain when he is in our home. He pretends to be this perfect angel in front of my husband and I, telling me how pretty I am and how smart my husband is. We ignore it because it's obviously an act. We assumed he just wanted to be liked. We have come to the realization that everytime he comes around we know trouble is sure to follow. Now it has come to a breaking point. Tonight my son came home with a huge swollen bruised goose egg on his forehead. This boy had been throwing rocks and whacked my son in the head with one of them. My son tried to cover up for his friend by lying to me. He tried to say he fell off his bike. When I told him I didn't believe him he changed it to he tripped and fell. I finally had to tell him I would just go ask the boy what happened just to get him to tell me the truth. As you can imagine, I was very upset! I want to go talk to his Mom, but my son is very upset about the thought of being called a "cry baby" or a "rat". What do I do?
I just want to say thank you to everyone who was able to give me some much needed advice. In my heart I knew what needed to be done, but didn't want my son to feel uncomfortable. We had talked the night that it happened about the fact that accident or not his friend was in the wrong. I explained why his father and I felt it was best for him to stay away from the boy and spend time with his other friends. I think he understood. I've not been able to speak with his Mother however. I've driven by several times, but now realize the root of the problem. I have no idea where his parents are, meanwhile I see him riding his bike all over the neighborhood. I'd be willing to bet considering this new realization even if I did speak with her it wouldn't make much difference. Considering she's obviously not the slightest bit worried about what happens to her own child, why would she worry about what happens to mine. I did speak with the other child though and as gently as possible made it clear that he was no longer welcome in our home. That he wasn't making good choices, that they were very lucky that my son wasn't more seriously hurt, and utimately that I could not trust the 2 of them together. Thank you, again!
Go talk to the parents anyway before your son really gets hurt. Now he's at the age you may be able to stop him from being around bad kids, and take advantage of it. When they get older it's much harder, and they hang with the ones you tell him not to juat because you told him not too! Trust me!
I'm going through a similar situation with my daughter. She's 8 yrs old. She has a friend that I can tell has become a bad influence. She constantly makes my daughter feel bad about herself by putting her down. Her teacher and childcare worker told me that my daughter never gets in trouble except for when she's playing with that other girl.
I managed to separate them by helping my daughter recognize that this girl is not an ideal friend. I would point out how she never helps my daughter clean up after they play, or how she often hurts her feelings, etc. Once I helped my daughter agree that it's time to cut this girl out of her life, I could step in and help her. We started by no longer inviting the girl over to play. My daughter has chosen to play with other children while at school as well. And when the girl stops by to ask if my daughter can play, we simply say she's not able to at that time. It may sound kind of harsh, but I think it's important. Peer pressure is so powerful.
Sorry that I don't have more advice. Hopefully our similar experience can help. Best of luck!
A.,
Yes, you definitely need to talk to the boy's Mother. Yes, the rock-throwing may have been an accident, and it is possible that she does not know how her boy behaves. I would be concerned about the underlying characteristics, though. This boy already seems manipulative, seems to lack empathy for your son, and appears to encourage lying. He might be a nice boy with a need to be liked, and merely accident-prone, or he may be on the track of developing into an uncaring psychopath. OK, the chances are not high for that, but I would check his behavior to small animals and little kids, just to assess empathy. I would voice your concerns to his parents, not in an accusing fashion, but just to determine if he really is your son's friend or if he is using your son as a convenient target under the guise of friendship. At the very least, he could have walked your son home to make sure the bump on his head wasn't serious, and explained to you that it was an accident. At 10, he should know that rules apply to him, and caring is important.
I hope you get this ironed out, and that the Mom understands the dynamic. Best wishes,
K.
Keep him away from that friend. You may not be able to control who he is with at school, but you can when he is home. If it were my son I would not tolertae it. In fact my son does have a friend with Autism that is quite rough with him. They are only 3 but my son somehow is the one that always ends up hurt. I did talk to his mother, and the only thing she said was " well he has autism" so that makes it ok for him to rough house my son? I don't think so. They no longer play together. Good luck with whatever you decide, and remember that you have to protect your son. Go with your instincts, and you will make the right choice in the end :)
Maybe you could try to get your son to choose different friends. If you forbid him to hang around with the big creep, then he will naturally want to be with him. Or, if your son has to say "My mom won't let me play with you." then he might get picked on for that. Instead, when he tells you something the boy did, say "well, I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with someone who hurt me and lied about it." Then when the kid came around my house, I would say to him directly, "If I find out you are putting my son in danger or that you hurt him, I WILL tell your parents!" (or the police if it is bad enough.) That way the kid knows where you stand, and your own son is also given the power to make good choices.
One thing that I have had to do with my 13 year old and one of her friends, was to sit down with my daughter, her friend and the friends mom. I let them know of what was going on, what I was and was not going to tolerate, and if the behavior would not change the child was no longer welcome in my home. I let my daughter and the other girl know that the behavior was unacceptable and that my daughter was not to be mistreated by anyone. The girl apologized and changed her behavior.
I agree with the other mothers that you have to protect your child and not let the other child be abusive to him in any way. Your son needs to learn that it's not acceptable for anyone to treat him in such a way. If you aren't going to stick up for him then you are an accompliss (sp?) He's looking to you, wether he's saying it or not, to protect him and make it stop. Otherwise what's to stop your son from doing it to someone else?
Maybe it's just me but my son was about that age when he started hanging around with the "wrong kids." I wish to this day I would've put a halt to it right from the start but I didn't know any better at the time. Looking back they say hindsight is 20/20. He always did attreact that type of kid and later got into trouble picking up little things here and there, trying marajuana and probably things I didn't know about but he was never a drinker, thank God! Your son may not be the same as my son but my third son didn't attract the best of friends either so I stopped that instantly and now he is hanging with some very nice boys. All you can do is what you think is best. Would sure be nice if they came with instructions.
I've talked to many parents too and much against my kids wishes but they all knew that I would be there to watch out for them, check up on them and do what I had to do to keep them safe. You can ask the mother not to repeat what you talk to her about but if she does, what will you lose? A child you don't wish to have around anyway. It's a hard call to make. Good luck, know where you are coming from.
The safety and well-being of your child superceeds (sp) being called a "crybaby" or "rat", and one day your child will thank you. This doesn't sound like a healthy friendship, in the least. And the boy seems to be highly troubled and manipulative, neither of which is good for your son to be around. If you sense trouble now, I think it'd be best to nip the friendship before the other boy ends up dragging your son into his schemes. I think it would be ok to limit the friendship to school grounds only, since they inevitably are going to see each other there. But outside of school, I'd encourage your son to find a new friend. Put a spin on it, even, and say, hey, why don't you try making friends with someone that doesn't seem to have many friends. And explain to him the value of a frienship and what goes along with it. Call it "Project Friendship" or something. Maybe he can make someone's day, that's less popular in his class, by having lunch with him/her, or inviting him/her over for an afternoon of games.
A.
i know what you are going through, I did confront the mother of my sons friend but the problem was that she was already awear of the problem and was at her witts end with it she had tried everything so we got the school involved since he was also having some problems at school also. And if your son keeps getting hurt you have to put your foot down and just not let your son play with this boy your sons safety is first. In my case the boy and his family has moved and no longer lives close enough for us to play with anymore.
