What to Do to Get My 3 Year Old to Actually Listen to Me!!!

Here is my personal rule of thumb: Never argue with a 3 year old...it accomplishes nothing and makes you look silly. Time has come for less talk and more action. He doesn't want to hold hands in the parking lot.? Not an option....take his hand and start walking. If he throws a fit pick him up and in the car he goes and them you drive home. End of story. No words . Action. Same with breakfast, make him his cereal and if he has a problem with that then that is just too bad. Either eat or don't. If he has a fit ignore it, walk away.

As far as the door slamming, my daughter learned that when she slammed a door, the door came off. Usually it was to her room. Then she didn't have an privacy. Tough lesson.

Just be consistent. We went to dinner last night and because out almost 3 year old screamed every time he wanted a toy one of his brother's had, they would give it to him to keep peace. Hubby and I were saying afterwards how bad that is because it is teaching him to scream and he'll get his way, even though at home we don't do that. On the other hand, we haven't gone out to dinner all that much since he was born and that is why I honestly feel like he doesn't "know how to behave in a restaurant" so I don't want to just not go out to dinner. With our older two we often ate out and they have been well behaved in restaurants all along.

As for the parking lot, mine tries to pull away as well. He gets a couple of chances to hold my hand and if he doesn't, I pick him up and carry him...screaming, squirming and all. If he doesn't want to be carried like a baby, he has to hold my hand.

I do agree giving him choices should help. It helps my son when he feels like the decision was his when in reality, I'm getting him to do what I want in one way or another. As for redirection, our pediatrician is absolutely against that and I completely agree with him. He said since parents have started the whole "redirect vs. discipline", he has seen older kids like 5 years old coming in with bigger problems (like smearing their poop on walls) because they never learned how to deal with their feelings. He always told me if one of the kids is throwing a tantrum, walk away until they calm down enough that you can talk to them. Then try to verbalize what they are feeling. "I understand you are frustrated and that is why you are slamming doors. You can get hurt or break the door so instead, tell me what has you so upset." (just an example) The point is to reaffirm what they are feeling so they feel understood and they can learn to identify what they are feeling. Then, go from there as for a solution. "I understand you are frustrated because you wanted to play with that toy right now but it is your brother's turn. Would you like to play with "a" or "b" instead right now?"

**I just read your update. As for the animal cracker/breakfast example...I still see other ways you could manipulate that. 1) Could it be he doesn't want either of the choices you gave him and would prefer eggs or pancakes or waffles instead? My almost 3 year old just started eating waffles...now he suddenly is off pancakes. 2) Why not tell him "Animal crackers are a snack. You need to eat some cereal or oatmeal first and then you can have a few animal crackers." My son will often tell me he wants yogurt at dinner but I often tell him he needs to eat dinner first and then he can have some yogurt. He eats the dinner because he knows if he does, he will get what he wants in the end.

At his age he also needs to be given choices to make rather than told what to do all the time. For ex-in the parking lot-"hold my hand or my finger? which one?" When he is slamming doors, try redirection. "bobby, we don't slam doors. Let's go play with your cars instead". I also started using a version of 1-2-3 Magic. Where you give them the count when they are misbehaving and you want them to correct their behavior. I almost never had to get to 3.

Is he going to any structured activities? I found that really helped with my wild child son. We started at around age 2 going to storytime at the library once a week because he had to sit and listen to the librarian, we did toddler gymnastics at the Y (again, he had to listen to the instructor or I made him sit out), music class, etc. It took time but it really helped.

Choices work just be more selective of what his choices are. The choice is not to listen or not listen. The choice is listen the first time, or have a time out for as long or as many times as needed and then listen. When he says crackers again walk away. WHen he throws his tantrum you can calmly say when you are not screaming I will talk to you. Keep on doing other things, don't argue with him. He heard you he just doesn't believe you. When he is done screaming, or you can interrupt him once, you can say you may have breakfast when you chose between cereal or oatmeal. Keep doing the pattern and he will eventually get that those are his choices and he can scream all he wants but there is no breakfast until he cooperates. Same in the parking lot. I would put him back in the car and say we will not get out until you hold my hand. So he still has a choice, but not holding your hand isn't one of them. The choice is sit in the car or hold your hand and go inside. And more effective if he is in the car and you are not. When it's time to clean up the choice is not to pick up the toy or not to pick up the toy. The choice is pick up the toy or have a time out first and then pick up the toy. And most importantly just because he doesn't get the "choices" the first round doesn't mean he won't. Consistency is the key. Counting is a waste of time. If you say something you mean it...do you really have 3 seconds for him to get out of the road before the car hits him?

I feel for ya! I dont have much to say about regular daily struggles - mine is 13 and I have all the same complaints you do (LOL), but safety is not one I tolerated at all even when he was at that same 3 yr old stage. My son wore his seat belt or the car did not move (along with explaining briefly why its important each time). I kept a book in the car to read while waiting him out... I made it thru one whole book and have never needed it again (even at 13, he wears it in other people's cars even when they dont). Running out in the street was another issue - I could yell STOP all day and he wouldnt be phased at all... but we had 3 dogs at the time, and he knew the word SIT very well and understood exactly what was expected from the dogs when *he* said it to them... so I used it on him - if he started to run toward the street I just yelled SIT in a firm loud voice like he was a dog and he would immediately plop down right there. I know people may say how wrong that is, but what awesome piece of mind having a trick that worked. It came in handy during tantrums or running away from me at the mall as well - a few times of sitting in the middle of walmart or sears or on the sidewalk for 10 (or more) minutes and we didnt have as much problems (and we had a solution that worked for us when it did happen). In the parking lot - he was required from the time he could stand to have one hand on the car at all times anytime we were loading or unloading. I made him pretend it was glued there and told him he was holding the car still so it wouldnt roll away among other games (fall in the ocean if he let go, etc) - we kept it a little fun, but extremely consistent with no tolerance for "play" with moving his hand off and on. If he was having a hard time following the rule - it became two hands on the car. And a few times even a foot :) When walking thru the parking lot he had to have one part of his body touching one part of my body (just like his body and the car had to be touching while loading and unloading). If he wouldnt hold my hand, then something else would have to do - sometimes my hand on the top of his head, sometimes his elbow and my hand... once he walked on his hands and I held his foot :) Its a game for a bit (he is taking care of me and keeping me safe, he is keeping me from blowing away, pretend one of us is blind and has to guide the other, etc) but eventually he realized we get to the fun places a lot faster if he just holds my hand.

Nonsafety situations, well what everyone else said is probably right on. But when it comes to safety/public places, etc you *have* to be the boss, being friendly and reasoning and training just dont matter if the situation is dangerous.

I haven't read through all of this or the responses, but I was drawn to this because I think every parent wants that magical button to stop the constant battle with kids (and I thought I might find some of that magic here). But I got off course when I read your edit... about the animal crackers.

Now I live in a glass house and am not trying to throw stones, but I am sure that everyone who steps back for a second can hear you are in tunnel visioned. That three year old voice that occupies your every thought, concern and decision and has turned you into a mom, has now started to sound older and more capable that he really is. There is no debating and argueing with a child, at three they just can't understand fully. You are the parent and your job is to make choices for them until they are mature enough to do that for themselves. Diet and nutrition are some of the hardest things for a child to learn, but also safety issues and mannors (basic things for how to live as a civilized adult). This is your job; to ensure they have those skill before giving them the ability to use the skill. (You wouldn't put a child into a pool by themselves until you were sure they could swim, and you shouldn't put your child into an adult role of decision maker until you are sure they have the skills to handle it.) And trust me the kid who wants to jump into the pool by themselves doesn't understand they can't swim just like a kid wanting to make all the decisions and in either sitution the kids certainly don't understand why they cant because they think they can. That is why moms were created-- to guide them until they can do things on their own.

Here is what I do with my daughter (who yes will ask for the most outrageous things). I give her the option of 2 choices. I try to make one something she likes slightly more than the other option so I know in my head what she wants and if she wont choose I give her the option she would like least. If she says something I didn't say, I remind her the choices given and if after the second time of offering her the choice I warn her that if she still wont choose I get to pick for her and that is her last chance (and whatever I pick is the final word there is no changing course once that happens). Once or twice of getting the worse option because she wont pick herself is enough, but the choice is a bonus because too often there is only one meal or choice prepared and therefore only one option. And inevitably there is that melt down and the anger of not having the animal crackers as she so wants (but with consistancy those melt downs decrease dramatically). If she wont eat what I serve she just goes hungry until she eats it, no other snacks or meals until she has X number of bites or whatever I decide at that time, and often no leaving the table until I say so. If she kicks or screams or pouts then she sits out on the stairs or in timeout until she can calm down and decides to rejoin the activeties or meal. And ultimately I have the rule of threes, if she goes to time out three times for the same thing then it is strait to bed because she is too tiered to control herself or because sleep often brings on more rational thinking. I know that will sometimes distrupt schedules so it isn't always an option, but trust me it works and the battling usually doesn't stop until their little brains can recharge.

Just remember as beaten down as kids can get us, we are the parents. We all know we WANT the best for our kids, and we know what is best for them, and despite strong independant little minds we are able to direct them and raise them into strong adults.

I think this is completely normal for his age but it really frustrating. My son who is 3.5 doesn't listen well either but is getting better - mostly, I think, because he is getting older and understanding language better and can remember what I tell him better. However, for a long time he was very much like your son and yelling didn't work at all. Two things helped me. One was making him look at me. I would get down on his level but I also would do it when I wasn't close to him. He would ignore me until I said "look at me" and then seemed to understand that I meant business at that point. I am not really sure why this worked but it did. The second I got from The Happiest Toddler on the Block book. I try to say to him that I know what he wants to do by repeating it to him ("I know you want to ______ , you want _______") I repeat it several times and say we can't that now or at all depending on what it is. This seems to help some. The idea is that it helps because the child knows that you understand what he wants and how he feels even if you say no. It has helped with my son in some situations.

What's really jumping out is the amount of time you are investing in each round with him. I have used the 1-2-3 method for YEARS, and there are times when simply that 1-2-3 shoots out of me in rapid fire! The older kids laugh when I accelerate the process!

So that's my recommendation: cut down on the amount of time you are giving him to comply. You're overstating your case, you're moving beyond his ability to "listen, to hear your words". Make it quick, simple, & immediately move into the punishment end of 1-2-3. Don't let him draw it out, don't let him be in charge.

AND as far the parking lot goes, you are trying to reason with a mini man! (sorry, Dads) He knows what he wants, he knows he wants personal freedom, he craves autonomy in every action at this age....& he's going to make your life miserable until you comply. The sad reality is that HE is the one who has to comply. Soooo, now it's a battle of wills...not only btwn parent/child but also btwn the sexes.

Been there, done all of this! It's tough, but control can be regained. Since choices don't work, then it's time for family conference. Time to sit down, quickly & simply explain what is required of him, & tell him the consequence. Make a chart together, with the header of "Listening to Mom" & an end goal of whatever you chose for the special treat. Attach pictures of both of you, let him decorate it. Then use stickers to encourage a positive reward for listening. Every single time he is given the responsiblity to listen to you....preface it with "okay, it's listening time", have the stickers in your hand, & reward him if he listens. I actually do a mime of listening when I say this! & ask "are you listening? are you using your ears?" !!

For the biggies....concerning safety, before you leave the house - tell him what you expect behaviorally, tell him the consequences. Give him one chance at compliance & then take him home. AND do not take him next time. Don't give him the option. Make sure he understands it's a case of compliance vs. non-participation. He is old enough to understand the differences! (& I do realize this creates a hardship for you, but after a few rounds of him having to stay home with ?? while you run errands....he'll get the pic! & whomever is in charge at home needs to be matter of fact & not hound on the subject!) Good Luck, fight this battle now, & the rest of childhood should be much easier.....until the next age progression!! Peace!

Here's a trick for temper tantrums that Grandma taught me. It works better at home-unless you are terribly thick-skinned, it's emabarrassing in public. When your child throws a tantrum, crying, yelling, throwing himself down on the floor, and so on, you do it, too. Just fake-cry, yell, stomp your feet, throw yourself down on the floor-the whole nine yards. I guarantee you he will stop whatever he's doing and you WILL have his undivided attention. Once he stops, get yourself up like nothing ever happened and carry on. Don't mention it until he asks you why you did that then tell him "I did it because you did it." Depending on how advanced he is it might lead to a conversation on better, more appropriate ways to deal with his frustration. Fortunately my daughter (3 yrs. old today) doesn't go into full fledged fits, but she does fake-cry and carry on to get her way sometimes (usually with Daddy because most of the time it works). When she tries it with me I ask her if all that carrying-on helps her in some way. Does she think that behavior will change my mind? Then I tell her it wont and I walk away and ignore her until she calms down. Annette is right. Don't argue. You're the adult. You make the rules. Your job is to teach and prepare him for the real world, hopefully in such a way that he will be a happy, productive member of society. Good luck!

J.,

Start thinking like a three year old and that will help. To a three year old, "listening" means "hear." Even though you sort of get that "listen" is a ephamisim for "not following instructions" by saying he ingnored you, he is way behind the adult "reasoning" curve here.

Try telling him what to do instead of what to stop doing. It is much harder than it sounds. Instead of "don't slam that door" tell him "shut the door gently" or "go and do (something else)" At three, he is not developmentally ready to think of the action you just said (he may do the only thing you said to do because that is the action you said!) stop doing it, think of a replacement action that is acceptable to you, and carry it out. Think of how many steps that is! He just can't do it, no matter how much time you spend explaining your adult reasoning skills to him, he won't be able to replicate it. Give him active commands that he can successfully carry out, and then praise him for doing what you said to do. If he does not close the door quietly, it what ever you do for dicipline will make much more sense than it will if he is bening diciplined for the ephmanistic "not listening." He is not putting all that together yet, but if you tell him to shut the door quietly, or walk quitely to the family room, and he slams the door, he knows exactly what he did that got him in trouble. No question, no need to explaine endlessly, Mommy said do "x" I did "y" now I am sitting in my room, so next time, I will do "x" and get a hug instead. That is how three year olds think.

You are right that it is a stage, he is developmentally not ready for sorting out a euphamism or for adult reasoning skills! Think active commands, and reward when he does what you say. Success breeds success.

M.

the arguments are working lol because your letting them. if he chooses not to have the breakfast you lay out then let him go hungry. he will come back at snack time starved and then you offer the same choice as breakfast. he will not starve himself. but you can't get into an "argument about it" also your the parent you don't have to explain things to a 3 year old. as for the car / parking lot problem. put him into a stroller or put one of those leash things on him. its not safe if he runs off. time outs will work if you follow through on them. it is a stage but it is a stage that leads to more worse things so keep up the good work of trying to keep him in control. otherwise you will have a 6 yr old getting kicked out of kindergarten for this kind of stuff.

Yes, I agree with people who have said you need to stick to your guns. You are the adult, you make the rules, you must direct your child to adhere to them. It's not easy, but that's how it has to happen. In terms of the breakfast debate...of course he still says animal crackers, that's what he wants. Offer the two choices, when he doesn't choose one, tell him again those are the choices. A meltdown will probably occur, that's normal, put him in time out and repeat the process if necessary. Communicate to him that once he has decided between oatmeal and cereal to let you know the move on. If time is an issue and he doesn't choose by the time you leave the house then you have a couple of choices. First, you can leave and he can eat nothing. Second, you can tell him that if he isn't choosing, youll choose for him, put some dry cereal in a bowl, bag, whatever, and take it in the car. Offer it to him, if he eats it great, if not, that's his choice. You have to stick to your choices. He has learned very quickly that whatever choices you give don't really matter b/c he's allowed what he wants. Stop repeating yourself. He knows that parking lots are dangerous. If he doesn't want to hold your hand, put him back in the car and go home. I promise you that will affect him. You probably won't have to do that trick more than once or twice before he starts holding your hand.

Also, and this is just me, but I don't think it's really fair to take away toys and use time out as discipline. I don't really believe, at this age anyway, that taking away toys should be used at all UNLESS there is a specific problem with that toy, as in he's not using it correctly/nicely/respectfully or he is not sharing it, then take it away. Otherwise I think he needs to know what to expect in terms of discipline. If you're going to use time out, then use it. He's 3...he tests limits. If he comes out of time out and does the same behavior, he goes back to time out. Also, I have sometimes told my daughter if she's tantruming that I don't wish to be around her when she's like that and she needs to stop crying or finish crying in her room. Or sometimes I will just say I don't want to be near you when you're like this and leave the room. I get the desired result...sometimes immediately, sometimes in 5, 10, 15 minutes, but I get it and she knows what she has to do.

You're a good mom and your son is a good boy, but you have to be consistent. You have to be the boss in a firm but loving and compassionate way!

No answers just solidarity! My 3 y/o son is exactly the same. How can they be so much smarter than us??? Those wonderful ideas in the books (like 1,2,3 and scream free parenting) may work in theory or with kids that aren't quite as "spirited" as ours, but I haven't had any luck with them either. I remember trying the one where you get down at their eye level and validate their feelings to calm them down, but then it was like, Mom I still want this and thanks for sympathizing but you better give it to me NOW! And the books don't really address that! I think I see occasional signs that he's maturing and gets it a little, we just have to make sure we keep them safe until they understand better! lol Good luck, we're right there with you!

Mom just remember you are the "grown-up"/the boss/the one who makes the decisions-so why are you arguing with him? Don't lety him get that moment where he "is in charge"---you have the final word! Have you thought about checking to see if he has a bit of hyperactivity going on there? This could get worse before you have to move him toa special class in school or treat him with medications to adjust his behavior. You may want to look at the library for some books on handling over-active "boisterous-children" there may be some direction you can use.

When one behavior is repeated over and over, you are past time outs. It's at this point that I make them lay down and take an early nap. I don't care if they have only been up for 10 minutes. They simply MUST learn who is boss. No one gets to do whatever they want whenever they want. He's pushing you to see how far he can go. You need to give him very clear bounderies. He will get tired of being sent back to bed. TRUST ME.

Here's how I do it. The day is broken into 3 parts. Morning, after noon, and evening. If they are repeatedly naughty in any part of the day, they go down for a nap or to bed for the night if it's the end of the day. The next time they wake up, after nap, or after another nap, then the day is all new for them. I ONLY do this when the problem is dangerous, or it's something we've been working on long enough I KNOW they are old enough to understand.