What to Do If Your Husband Isn't Helping with Chores and Childcare?

It's about follow through--just like with kids.
Look how passive agressive this is:
"He puts off the chores till I end up doing them all myself. If i confront him for doing nothing..."

So you do them FOR him and then complain that he does nothing.

Make his chores just that--HIS chores. Don't do them. Period.

My husband was super great at "forgetting" about all his chores...

We had the lists, we had the talks, we had the fights. What worked for him was being very specific. For example, I do laundry consistently on Mondays and Thursdays. Everyday I pick up clothes I find around the house and put them in the hamper, or in the sorter if I'm feeling ambitious. It's his chore to sort them from the hamper. Period.

I've had a few laundry days recently involving just one load of laundry because guess-who "forgot" to move the clothes. He wanted to stomp and complain when he ran out shirts for work and I very calmly reminded him that I did every stitch of laundry I found in the utility room. Maybe he should check to see if the hamper needs emptying? The darn thing was overflowing and you know what? He hasn't missed a hamper sorting since.

This approach has been enormously successful. But don't mistake it for passive aggression, please! That method is just not effective or supportive of a strong marriage!!! My husband knew that I was no longer going to be doing his chores for him and once he saw the consequences of, well, not believing me I guess, he got on board.

I think it is time for you to give him a taste of his own medicine. Take a weekend and tell him you are going on a girls weekend and then disappear. Don't make meals. Don't clean the house... just go. Leave on Friday afternoon and return late on Sunday -- after bed time. Leave him and the little one on their own. Let him see how hard it is to get it all done.
Only then will he realize how much work it is to be home with the little one...
YMMV
LBC

Resentment will eat you up alive believe me I know of what I speak. I agree with another mom who said it's all about seeing it through. What are his chores? Does he know what they are? Be clear in communication with him ex; I need you to help me vacuum the living room, Can you please empty out the garbage every day or every other day, etc. Be clear and when he doesn't do it go back and say can you please empty the garbage. It's full and I need to throw some other stuff out. It's like children I tell my children what they need to do and five minutes later I come back and repeat it again and five minutes later I check to see if it was done, if not then we go at it again. I do the same with my husband I ask him to do something and then remind him I need it done. He get's annoyed but guess what I am not superwoman and I need help so you getting annoyed it a small price that I am willing to pay so that I am not doing everything by myself. Be clear on what you need him to do and when you need it done. Follow up with him or has my therapist calls it rounding. When he does it in the expected time give him a pat on the shoulder and a word of thanks so he know's you appreciate it. A word of thanks go along way.

I do certain things myself because they will not get done. Chose your battles wisely. I just say something to the effect of could you please change the sheets or take out the trash. He does take out the recycle and the trash and occassionally change the sheets on the bed. I try to be happy for what he does not does. Just be matter of fact and say,I need help,I can not do everything myself. Tell him he is not setting a good example for your child. Good luck

I can't say I agree with the women who say "just don't do anything for a weekend and let him see what it's like." My husband has a much greater tolerance for mess/dirty laundry/etc than I do and it would just drive me crazy. Plus it doesn't do anything to help your resentment.

I have this same issue with my husband (but we're working on it), and here's what's working for us. Start by making a list (maybe start small - only one or two things) of things that are his responsibility. Be very specific (don't say "pick up around the house"; instead say "put all your dirty clothes in the laundry room hamper") AND (and this is key for me and DH) set a "to do by" limit (ex. by Wednesday evening).

It turned out that my DH and I had different ideas of how "urgent" different chores were. I would ask him to put away his laundry, and he figured he'd get to it when he got to it. I wanted him to do it RIGHT NOW, and he would rather finish his video game, send some emails, whatever, and THEN put away his laundry.

He felt I was "nagging" when I asked him to do something while he was in the middle of something "just as important" (even if it was "only" a video game or talking on the phone). I would have just multi-tasked and done "x" while talking on the phone, but he likes to do things one at a time. So, for us, it sets reasonable expectations for the both of us if I say "DH, please take out the trash before you go to bed this evening." Then, he can do it as his leisure, and he knows that I have an expectation of something getting done.

It doesn't always work out, but it's been a good starting point for us.

We have a similar situation at my house, but it has gotten better. First of all I made my significant other seek out help for his depression issues, that has helped somewhat. The part that has helped the most is giving myself a break. I make sure that I get some me time every day. I make sure that I get to go to the gym and now that it is summer and I only work part time (I work full time during the school year) I take 1/2 an hour while my daughter naps to read on the deck. The house work can wait- somehow it always seems to be there. Taking time for me has allowed me to accept him for who he is. He has also gotten better about helping out (sometimes) because I just don't get to everything, so he HAS to pitch in. I think it might help that sometimes when he leaves things lying around our daughter might get into it and draw on it or I might just throw it away, not realizing of course that it is important. Good luck!

I'm not sure if you work outside of the home or not, and I think that makes a difference. Because I am a stay at home mom, and my husband works very hard to support our large family, I don't expect him to do any of the chores around the house. I gladly manage them. Now, I have older children who I have trained to help out. They make a lot of the mess, so they help clean it. (We homeschool, so we are all home all day making messes rather than having the house untouched for much of the day.) I used to want everything in the home "equal." But, then I realized that it is my privelege and job to manage the home. So, I took the bull by the horns and learned how to do it. My mother worked outside of the home, so she never really taught me how to do it. She was just too tired I guess. I love your approach that you are adopting: stop nagging and harping and work on you. That is the best advice you can follow. I would just add that attitude makes all the difference in the world. I hear my girls singing while they are cleaning bathrooms and I am amazed. It's the attitude of the heart. They could be griping and complaining at the messy, dirty job they have to do, or they can be singing and enjoying themselves as they work. They don't mind it so much when they are singing, you know? Think of it as a ministry to your husband. You shared how much you love him. Let this be just one way you demonstrate that love to him. This also was a factor for me in changing diapers. At first, I kept score of who changed how many diapers a day (not literally, but in my mind I did!). Eventually I just decided that I was going to do all of them, by and large, and forget about the record keeping. I ended up LOVING that time with my babies. It was my special time with them. I didn't want him to change diapers (he did still on occasion, but I usually never even mentioned diapers to him again, just scooped up the baby and did it). We were both blessed, and all it took was an attitude adjustment on my part. Before, I was grumpy and frustrated to be changing diapers. After, I loved doing it. Total heart change. And, I got some very precious time with my babies.
Don't nag. It never accomplishes anything good. It just frustrates everyone involved. :)

As long as he knows that you'll do it if he doesn't, he has no reason to do it.
Start washing only the kids' and your clothes. Cook only for the kids' and your meals. Only pick up the kids' and your clutter.
He'll figure it out.

I was with you up till "and let him know I'm disappointed". You'll be happier if you really let it go, this idea that he'll do some portion of housework that you think he should want to do.

Think fondly of all the nice things your husband Does do. Does he have a job, come home every night, pay the bills, tell you you're pretty? If he's not out spending all the money on gambling, or other women, that's nice too. Those things count. I bet there's a lot of things you don't need to do, because he's got them covered. Thinking about those things gratefully and buying some paper plates would probably make you all happier than storing up some simmering resentment about him not-washing something. Happier marriage trumps cleaner house every time.

When my wife and I were very young in our marriage, she expected me to be as her father was. I expected her to be the girl in my dreams

When she and I learned we weren't that way, life was hard.

I did more of what she wanted when she learned to say "Thank you" for what I did. I did more when she made a list of what she wanted done in her priority and let me pick. I did more when she said yes more often.

When I figured out what she expected and she figured out I couldn't read her mind, things got better. When she dropped the expectation that I would be her father, things got better.

Make a list of what needs to be done. Ask him how many of the things he wants to do or that he should be doing. Let him pick. Thank him for what he does. A kiss and a "Thank you" conveys gratitude. "Its about time" doesn't convey gratitude or get cooperation.

Good luck to you and yours.

To be honest, I don't allow my husband to work around the house unless he has a special project he would like to do. He works full time and also has a part time job, so I know he is exhausted when he gets home. I do, however, encourage him to do fun or educational stuff with the kids.

I know what you are going through. I have a lazy husband as well who does not do anything to help out on the inside or outside of the house, and does not help with our three kids and we both work fulltime. If I ask him to do something, it never gets done. Sometimes after awhile I will eventually do the chore myself because I or the kids cannot live in a dirty house. But somethings I do not do for him, just like another mom said, I stopped doing his laundry and I cook for the kids & me. It is completely unbalanced for the mom to be having all of the house responsibilities and I don't think we should just do it. I am sorry that you are going through this, I know the resentment and dissappointment that you feel.

I think you're on the right track with working on the nagging and harping, but IT IS SO hard to stop feeling resentful! Try to put aside house work for a while and work on him spending more time with his child. Make this all about his relationship with his child (not helping you-men do not actually believe you need help and you have reinforced this belief by simply doing everything yourself.) Print out articles about the benefit of involved parents on their son or daughter's development and articles about the health benefits of fathers who are more involved in their families being healthier. Try to break his habit of spending all his time on his laptop while his child is growing up so quickly without enough interaction with Daddy. Show him how wonderful a clean organized house is to live in and how blessed and grateful you are to have such a nice home to take care of (lead by example!) Good luck This is the biggest problem most marriages have

Make a list and leave it somewhere obvious of all the things that have to get done in a day. Then cross the things out as you go. Perhaps he'll see it and think to himself, let me help out with so and so.

I will make my husband a list of basic chores to do on Sundays. Without the list, he's useless. And aregues, "sure, I do nothing." He think that because his work is physical (I work FT in an office setting) that he is entitled to do less on his day off. Hum????

Wow oh Wow can i relate im a mom of 4 kids and i know exactly how you feel. I work a full time job and do EVERYTHING. I have recently started asking my older kids to help more which has helped alot. But its still so frustrating and i jus want to give up sometimes. But i have learned that all my "nagging and complaining or his nice word "B*******" doesnt do anything. i myself am at the point of what do i do? It has me stressed out and it is affecting my attitude with everyone. but alot of what others have said has helped. i myself have tried talking but it is never good. OH SO TIRED!!! hope it gets better for you.