What to Do About PreK Teacher Situation?

Updated on April 04, 2011
M.G. asks from Keansburg, NJ
26 answers

Need advice, please. I don't know what to do about my son's teacher without possibility causing my son more issues. Maybe it's hormones, but with that said, my babysitter and Mom have made comments about this teacher. My son is a good kid, not perfect by any means but good. He yells at you sometimes, has temper tantrums on occasion, isn't patient. I think that everything is within normal developmental limits.

Here's my problem, I think or it seems that she has something negative to say about my son twice a week at least. She won't tell me if he went to the nurse, but a negative comment she'll share. The nurse will call me or send me a letter if there is something wrong, in her defense. When my son started school, the teacher was outside the classroom in tears while the kids were being taken care of by someone else. They were crying/upset, first time away from mommy/daddy for school purposes. My 4 year told her today he would kick her butt if she didn't give him cookies. According to my babysitter, (I do believe it based on what I have seen.) The teacher seemed upset about his comment. WTH! We are talking about a 4 yr old not a 15 yr old. Why would you take offense to it? He doesn't know how to always express himself. What do I do? He was crying when she arrived and the teacher seemed to be annoyed at him. I called the school, spoke to one of the directors. He thinks I should set up a meeting with her and one of the Directors. Again, if she has something against him, won't this make it worse? I know it shouldn't but how am I going to know, really? I want him to go and learn but I don't want anyone to pick him up and have him crying because of something that shouldn't have been taken so seriously. I agree with correcting him but to make him cry over it. He's 4. He didn't mean it or even understand what it meant. I am debating taking him out of school. I can't afford to put him in daycare with though. There are some here that teach PreK curriculum. So confused, i don't want to overreact but I sick of it. Then again, when he reaches kinder..I can't just take him out either. In addition, I hate the school system here. We bought this house with the condition of selling prior to having our kids go to school..We got stuck like a lot of unfortunately because of this wonderful market. ERRRR..so frustrated.. Sorry done with my vent...

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M.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

What you need to realize is that the thing that your son said to his teacher was ENTIRELY unnacceptable and you are making excuses for it. It is not within the "normal developmental realm" of a 4 year old to threaten a teacher for not giving cookies. She has a reason to be upset about this and what you SHOULD do is have your son make an apology to her. And I do not believe that he didn't "understand"what it meant. You ask what you can do....what you can do is to make sure that your son does not express himself like this by not modeling this behavior at home and by enforcing strict punishment as soon as it happens. This is your only chance of having a positive Kindergarten experience. If he knows that he can misbehave at school and that you will defend him there is nothing stopping him.

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C.M.

answers from New York on

Yes, he's 4 years old, but he still should know how to show respect to an adult. The fact that he said this to his teacher, let's me know that he could possibly be speaking to you this way. I don't mean to be mean, but the one thing I can't stand is disrespectful children. Maybe you should speak with the teacher, but definately talk to your son.

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

I apologize for the length of this response, but do want to be thorough and keep this text organized and readable--

I'm going to put on my teacher hat here (taking off my Mama Hat) and try not to get emotionally involved or too caught up in any one thing; just give you some of my insights and honest feedback, and I'll try to do it in the order you presented the information.

"My son is a good kid, not perfect by any means but good. He yells at you sometimes, has temper tantrums on occasion, isn't patient. I think that everything is within normal developmental limits."

This is your experience of your son, and it may not be universal. I have a son who is hitting four and while the whining and frustration and screaming/hysterical crying is all within those normal developmental limits, I do understand that not everyone is going to have that maternal buffer of patience with him that I do. And as a teacher, I do not tolerate being yelled at by my preschoolers. If you yell, you may go find a place to take a break until you are ready to come back and speak to people in a more humane sort of way. This is the difference between being a mom, who can look past the screaming and tantrums, and a teacher, who is setting a precedent that these are not appropriate methods of self-expression in that particular environment.

"Here's my problem, I think or it seems that she has something negative to say about my son twice a week at least. She won't tell me if he went to the nurse, but a negative comment she'll share. The nurse will call me or send me a letter if there is something wrong, in her defense."

These are two separate issues. Teachers should always communicate health concerns, first and foremost, however, if there is a nurse appointed for this job, this may be the school protocol. I personally wouldn't like to hear lots of negatives about my child, and as a teacher,my MO is usually to call a parent later (if the situation warrants it) and discuss both the challenge and the solution/correction I'm implementing. I don't do this in passing at pickup because I don't care to talk about the children in front of them. However, each teacher has their own style. If I were you, with all these negative comments, I'd welcome the opportunity suggested to meet with the director and the teacher, to allay your concerns regarding your son's behavior. It sounds like this sort of exchange should have happened a while ago.

"When my son started school, the teacher was outside the classroom in tears while the kids were being taken care of by someone else. They were crying/upset, first time away from mommy/daddy for school purposes."

This is a tricky one. You don't really know what was upsetting to her. She could have just received bad news, (I once got a call when teaching that my brother-in-law had died, and it was an exercise in putting one foot in front of the other to pull off the rest of the day. I disappeared into the bathroom for a quick sob, but had to pull it together.) She also could have been yelled at by a parent who was also emotionally-upset about this first day of school. Before I had my own business, I've had parents say things to me I wouldn't dream of saying to another person, even someone I reasonably disliked. Parents sometimes expect that teachers should have no emotional response, that we should be mind-readers and know *their* 'right way' of doing things. I have had some of the rudest encounters with parent-- more rude than anything I experienced in years of food service, and even more rude than when I worked in a machine shop. So, while her timing was not ideal, it's worth having a bit of compassion. You don't know what was upsetting her....

"My 4 year told her today he would kick her butt if she didn't give him cookies. According to my babysitter, (I do believe it based on what I have seen.) The teacher seemed upset about his comment. "

Well, here's an annoying situation. We are modeling in a zero-tolerance for violence/violent speech classroom the correct way to "ask" for something, not to threaten, and a child says something provocative and threatening. Is it a real threat that can be carried out? Nope. That said, as a teacher, I would have my antennae perked up, because I have a child who is A. Threatening my authority with physical violence and B. is coming into my classroom and the community of others with this sort of threat/behavior present in his mind. I would be correcting his comment in a heartbeat, and likely, would have the child sit alone until they were ready to talk about their comment, to check in with me, and were ready to play in a friendly way.

In my experience, your blaming the teacher for her reaction, while dismissing what your son said is one of the blind spots in parents whose children have the potential for developing into bullies. Somehow, it's everyone else's fault for not seeing the threat as benign or a joke. You do your son a disservice by not taking his angry words seriously, because he's expressing *anger* and hostility. I can assure you, if you choose to excuse this, sweep it under your parental rug, it will get worse. I have seen it happen. I've had parents of children with severe acting-out behaviors blame me for everything under the sun-- and you know what, even when their children got new teachers, the behavior didn't improve. If we teachers don't receive support-- and honest awareness- from the parent, it is ultimately the child that suffers. We want your children to do well. We take no joy in seeing a child become another teacher's daily challenge, and we know that the child is the one who will suffer most in life when these actions go excused/unchecked by parents.

"He was crying when she arrived and the teacher seemed to be annoyed at him."

Sometimes, kids do push and push teachers, and when the child finally 'gets it' (because we've put them to sit alone, or another child has gotten up the nerve to tell the offending child off), we teachers know the offending child has finally "gotten it". When a correction is necessary, and the child cries because they realize they *have* made mistakes, it is important NOT to buffer the child from their own emotions, but to let them feel the powerful feelings of having been in the wrong. It is through their own emotions that children are able to recognize the wrong that they did (far more effective than any teacher-based correction alone) and decide that they will want to do better next time to avoid those feelings. As a teacher, I do not stand in the way of that moment, and when I've corrected a child who then bursts into tears, I give them space to cry and am still firm that it is "not" all okay. They have done something wrong and need to learn that this isn't allowed in my classroom. I don't berate them, but I don't give comfort in that moment. It would be like consoling an adult who hurt someone else egregiously. We step back and let the child self-censor, because we don't want them to think that those feelings should be soothed. They are powerfully informative.

'He doesn't know how to always express himself. What do I do? '

This is a good question, to me. Aside from the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk" (amazing book!), you can also help him by giving him feedback. So when he says threatening things, notice this and tell him A. what is offensive about his words and B. what's the emotion/message/request behind the original statement and how he can rephrase it. A threat in lieu of a request is offensive to anyone. Learning how to ask for things in a polite and friendly way is a life skill; learning how to say "I would like...." is necessary for staying in community with the other children. So this is one area I would really work on.

Lastly:

" I called the school, spoke to one of the directors. He thinks I should set up a meeting with her and one of the Directors. Again, if she has something against him, won't this make it worse? I know it shouldn't but how am I going to know, really?"

My guess is that you and this teacher need to clear some air. It could be that she's frustrated because she doesn't feel supported by you. It could be that you are transferring your feelings toward the teacher onto her in assuming she doesn't like you, when it seems that you patently do not have patience for her. Understand that she's a human being too, with not just your child in her group but many others. Sit-down communication is so important when parents are upset toward teachers in the way you are. You are both coming to the table with your concerns, so putting the child at the center of the conversation is important, because he's the reason you are in each other's lives. Having the director present can help and in this situation, I would say it's essential. I think your idea of trying to stick with it is a good one, and making a plan for progress is important. I hope all this can work out, that you can understand that the teacher has the right to being offended when offenses do arise and that your son needs support in figuring out how to move through his school day without saying provocative things to either the teacher or his schoolmates.

Good luck and I hope everyone present at this conversation can keep their ears open.

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C.W.

answers from Santa Barbara on

I'm confused....you think it is acceptable for a four year old to say to his teacher "I'm going to kick your butt if you don't give me cookies"? I would be upset with inappropriate behavior. He should know by now it's not proper to kick his teacher's butt. Instead of going up every level of the school, talk with the teacher and have your son apologize. Work on him behaving better in a classroom setting.

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K.O.

answers from Atlanta on

I'm sorry, but at 4 I would expect my children not to yell at an adult (especially authority figure such as a teacher or parent), temper tantrums would be extremely minimal and short lived, and patience should be increasing. If I ever heard that my 4 year old (or even my 2 year old) told a teacher that he would kick her butt, you can bet there would be much more crying and discipline when we got home. That is completely unacceptable and definitely not within "normal developmental limits." I think you are in serious denial if your first thought was "WTH - why did she take offense" instead of "WTH - where did he learn that and in what universe does he think that is an acceptable thing to say".

I also think a meeting would help things, provided you go in with a little more of an open mind. What are the other things the teacher tells you about? If it's similar language or attitude, then I can see why she is upset. If it's more closely in line with "he can't seem to sit still during circle time" that's much more understandable and she would need to understand the limitations of 4 year olds a little better.

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

The teacher should be upset. She was threatened for not giving cookies. Obviously, she wasn't fearing for her life but that is still a very rude thing to say... something even a 4 year old should know better than to say.

The fact that you are making excuses isn't helping,. Certainly, you should absolutely have a meeting with the teacher and director to encourage your child to have respect in the classroom setting, and so everyone can learn together how to handle these issues. The director is probably pretty wise and will be able to offer good input for both you and teacher. No, this won't make things worse, it can help reconcile differences and get everyone on the same page.

Now I do think her crying outside the classroom is a little much, but really, being a preschool teacher is a pretty thankless job.

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J.T.

answers from Dallas on

are you sure the teacher wasn't crying about something totally unrelated on the first day of school? maybe something was going on in her personal life that had her upset... i always try to give the benefit of the doubt and remember that they are real people with lives outside of the classroom(NOT that they should be bringing their emotional baggage to school with them!). if she was crying on the first day due to the kids, then that's a totally separate issue and i would be worried about her emotional stability and speak to the director about that issue.

now, that aside, just from the tiny bit you posted about your son, he seems way out of line for a 4yo child! i can't imagine ANY of my three kids speaking to anyone, much less an adult and teacher, in that manner of disrespect. i would be HORRIFIED! my kids would certainly be upset and possibly crying when i got done with them if i picked them up from anywhere and was told they said that to an adult. you say she tells you something negative twice a week, are they legitimate issues? i mean, is she telling you that he's mean to other children or that she doesn't like his shoes? do you want to just not hear if he's acting up? you comment that he "yells at you sometimes" - again, i don't necessarily agree that that's developmentally appropriate for a 4yo - my kids don't yell at me. occassional tantrums(and that should really be winding down at 4) and a lack of patience are certainly within the normal range. if you really think the teacher is a bully and singling out your child, by all means, move him to a new shool. regardless of whether or not he changes schools, i'd work really hard at getting him to control his mouth - that stuff is not gonna be taken lightly in kindergarten. good luck!

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S.C.

answers from Milwaukee on

Um, no. You can't use the "he's 4" thing for the stuff he is doing. Yelling at adults. Telling the teacher he is going to kick her butt. NOT acceptable. He absolutely knows what he is doing. He's crying to get out of being in trouble. There is no way I would let my child get away with saying something like that to me or anyone else. The teacher should be upset about these comments and they should be taken seriously.

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E.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

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C.R.

answers from Seattle on

Wait... There's GOT to be more to this story. I'm not quite clear on the whole "always negative twice a week" and something about the school nurse parts - can you elaborate? And what do you mean she was "upset" when he said that about the cookies? Did she yell at him? What did she do? I'm sorry, actually, no I'm not... But I would be VERY unhappy with my 2 year old if she said that to me and she would absolutely NOT get a cookie. So, at 4, no cookie and probably some type of discipline to back it up. It's not a matter of taking offense. She's not taking offense to it. It's a matter of learning norms and what's appropriate behavior. THAT is not appropriate behavior for school (or home, if you ask me) and that's why he's there - to learn what's appropriate and what's expected. I don't think a meeting is a bad thing. Like I said, I don't think I'm getting the whole story... I'm sure you have more to be upset about than I'm really grasping. However, the kick your butt for a cookie thing, ANY good teacher would have disciplined him... How else is he going to learn? How to ask for a cookie is an extremely basic and necessary skill.

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M.T.

answers from New York on

If you find it acceptable for your preschooler to yell at you or threaten to kick your butt, fine for you but this is NOT acceptable for school. Is he going to kindy in the fall? As someone who works in an elementary school, I will tell you this will NOT be tolerated and most kids do NOT do this. In our school, this would warrant a trip to the social worker or principal. If these are the things the teacher is calling you about because they are happening on a weekly basis, you need to start ramping up the discipline, mom. Sorry. Most of us would not have accepted this behavior from our own children, and I can't imagine any school tolerating this behavior. A threat of kicking teacher? Terms for expulsion if it happens again, if you ask me. It's not about being in a bad school system, it's about having a badly behaved child. Sorry to seem harsh but I think you need a reality check. You'd best stop making excuses for him and start teaching him not only how to express himself but how NOT to. Threatening to kick a teacher or anyone if they don't give him a cookie? That's not a communication issue. That's a spoiled brat.

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J.P.

answers from Buffalo on

I would never allow either of my children to speak that way to me or anyone! My children also, defiantly knew this was not acceptable at age 4. Having said that, I don't know exactly what happened. You don't say exactly how the teacher responded to this situation. While you son should have been reprimanded, it should be in an age appropriate way. It defiantly sounds like you and the teacher are not on the same page. A meeting w/her and the director (as a neutral 3rd party) sounds like a good idea. This year is almost over, so if it is a teacher problem, your almost done. Kinder G. is going to be a lot tougher next year, so you may need to reevaluate appropriate behaviors. Now is the time to nip anything in the bud, before it gets too out of hand. Good luck, hope it all works out!

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L.L.

answers from New York on

if my son told the teacher he was going to "kick her butt" he'd be in big trouble. That is not normal, sorry. And you consider that normal, then you're going to have many more problems coming your way in the future.

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J.N.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I would hope that a teacher, even pre-K teacher in a school setting (it's billed as pre-K, and not a daycare with curriculum), should have had training and education on how to deal with situations like this. It sounds, from what you're reporting, that she doesn't have the management skills necessary, or the knowledge and understanding of what is developmentally appropriate.

That said, she has a side of the story two. And your son's threat to her was inappropriate: something that needs to be dealt with, but she should have talked to you more about what happened (if one of my kindergarteners had said that to me, they would have received a time out, I would have talked to them about why it's not okay and why it won't get them what they want, and if it was recurring, I would call the parent about it). My point is, she may not be dealing with everything correctly, and she may not be communicating properly with you, but she may also have valid concerns.

Sooo.... I would suggest setting up the meeting with you, her, and the director. That way, you can open lines of communication, both have a chance to voice your concerns, and still have a (hopefully well-trained) third party there to mediate. I know, if I were the teacher and a parent had concerns with what I've said/done, I would appreciate that chance, at the very least. Just go into it non-confrontational, and be willing to listen as much as talk. This is a skill you will want to develop as a parent, since the issue can come up multiple times through your kids' school careers.

(Oh, besides having been a teacher, I'm also a parent, and had a year where my son's teacher could see nothing but trouble about him. I've been on both sides of the fence, so I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong, just trying to put it all in perspective.)

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M.F.

answers from Youngstown on

Your 4yo should not be threatening his teacher. He is old enough to control himself somewhat. He was probably mad and not hurt or upset that she maybe gave him timeout or put him on yellow or whatever they do at his school. You are bias(sp) becuase he is your son and you don't want to see a problem. I agree with Kim O. I would probably kick my kids butt if he told his teacher or any adult he would kick theres. My 5yo went through a phase where he was a terror at about 4.5 and was soo bad for me I was always in tears because nothing worked. BUT his preschool teachers were amazed at what I told them he would do because he was sooo good in class. I think you need to work on your sons behavior. He will not be able to act like this in kindergarden.

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A.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

In order to be fair to both your son and his teacher, at least set up a meeting with her and that way you can see what is going on, get a feel for her and the way she feels about your son, and then make an informed decision after your meeting. I am not going to lie, when you teach preschool, there are just some kids you don't care for, but that should not result in unnecessary hardship for your son or the teacher. After your meeting, if you feel the need see if you can transfer him to a different class.

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M.R.

answers from Chicago on

Go to the meeting with an open mind...and a mind that is ready to accept the fact that your four year old child telling a teacher he is going to kick her butt over cookies is clearly unacceptable.

Teachers don't like telling parents negative things about their kids. It sucks to have to do it, but it is necessary in order for the parent to know what is going on so that the behavior can change. Personally, I hate having to call parents when their kids are doing silly things, but things that must stop. It is part of my job to inform the parent when unacceptable behavior occurs. Don't think she gets a lot of joy out of this. She doesn't.

The director is right on. Set up that meeting and see what everyone has to say and take your turn to say what you need to say. Leave there with a plan that will help your son learn acceptable ways to share his feelings and emotions without threatening a teacher. It is only pre-k right now; you want to get his behavior under control or things will only get worse as time goes by, bad school or good school.

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J.J.

answers from Kansas City on

Okay--I agree with everyone--a 4 year old saying he will kick a teacher's butt is not only unacceptable, but also not typical. That being said, you need to make sure that you and the teacher and the director are on the same page regarding discipline. While his behavior is unacceptable, the teacher should not hold a grudge or take it personally either.If she is actually berating him instead of using proven behavior modifying techniques, you need to take action. Get together with them, discuss ALL of your concerns, and make a plan!

If she is singling him out because he is poorly behaved, that too, is unacceptable. She needs to HELP you to teach him how to behave. All of the adults need to take responsibility in helping your young man grow up and learn how to behave. Good luck.

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G.T.

answers from Rochester on

I couldn't agree with what the others have said more. Your son's behavior is terrible! Where did he learn to say things like that? Kids say the things they hear. He must be hearing things like this at home or at the babysitters. This has to change. And, he needs to be disciplined for saying it. Then and only then will he change.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

If I were your sons teacher I would be requesting a conference about his behavior with you and your husband. His behavior is so unacceptable that I would have taken him to the directors office at that moment and had you called to come pick him up.

You say he doesn't know what he was saying and doesn't understand what he said, he's just 4. Why?

Is that how your husband talks to you? Or you to your husband? He is picking it up somewhere and if not you then a friend's kids maybe?

What he said is bullying. Telling someone they are going to hurt them if they don't comply is bullying and not allowed in school for any reason.

He needs to go to school and apologize to that teacher.

If she is telling you something negative several times a week then he evidently needs more teaching on what is acceptable behavior.

If she was crying outside the room the first day of school then I can completely understand. Four year olds are not my favorite group. The crying would have driven me nuts after a while and given me a huge headache.

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S.S.

answers from Binghamton on

A four-year-old is perfectly capable of understanding what "kick your butt" means. Don't sell him short: He used it as a threat, so he clearly has some idea how it works even if he doesn't know exactly what it means. While I don't think the teacher should hold a grudge or take offense, it is something to be taken seriously and you should start doing so. He should not be making threats to his teacher period, even if he is only parroting something he heard from an older kid.
Meet with the director and the teacher and hash is out. Go in there with an open mind, you might learn some things about your son's behaviour that you need to know. You might also learn some things about the teacher that will raise you discomfort, but at least she will know you are watching and listening.
We are our children's advocates, but that doesn't mean we should defend their every action. Our kids make mistakes too and a good advocate accepts them, corrects them and helps them move on.

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Yes, a teacher should be able to handle a 4 year old telling her he will kick her butt. It should go something like - 'wow, I see you are angry you can't have the cookies, we ask for cookies like this ' Ms. teacher, may I please have a cookie?'. Four year olds are learning to express themselves. PreK is about socialization and teaching them those skills. I would definitely have a meeting with the teacher and a director. A good teacher will want to help your child succeed - that means learning to love school and learning. And understand that an involved parent is an important part of this. If this teacher does not want this, you do not want this teacher.

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M.H.

answers from New York on

I have the same issues with my son he is God Willing turning 4 in June. I am told everyday he hits, and throws things at least once a day. I know this to be true because he has done this at home. We are working with him, to try and talk to people not hit. He needs to learn how to express himself without throwing things and hitting. Now this being said, he to is a nice and sweet most of the time. His teacher is always having to say something to me. I know she is kind to him, and I know at times her she is tested but she is good. I would talk to the teacher and sit down with the school director so that they understand how you are feeling. And together all of you can work with him. Can you put him in another class? I hope you can work this out together. Good Luck! :)

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C.B.

answers from Portland on

I'm not sure if others have responded yet... I think that your son probably shouldn't be telling his teacher he's going to kick her butt... and I also think your teacher should know how to handle a kid that says something like that - time out, etc.

I always feel picked on, or singled out - so I can see where you can be upset with this, or feel like talking to her is only going to make it worse. So, I think it's a two sided thing. He shouldn't say it, she shouldn't go crazy about it.

But it does need to be addressed, because it can only get worse if it doesn't.

Good luck!

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C.A.

answers from New York on

I'm going to tell you what I would do, I would talk to the teacher ask her " what's the problem it seems as if you have something against my son" let her know that you have been keeping an eye on the situation and so has the school. Not every person enjoys every kid so it could be a possiblity she doesnt like yours but let her no you have an eye out for her.

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