"Special Needs" Child Keeps Scratching My Daughter in Preschool.

I assume this is a private school, so my thoughts are kind of based on a public school, but here it goes. Many schools are going to full inclusion of individuals identified with disabilities, so I feel it is a disservice to other child to kick him out of school or assume that he belongs in special needs school. However, it is not okay that he is hurting your child. The school needs to have a plan to deal with this behavior. The school is only reinforcing the behavior by tip toeing around it. Also, by not getting any sort of consequence the child's behavior is being reinforced, hence the recurring incidents of scratching. The other children have a right to a safe education and they should not have to suck it up and accept that he is putting his hands on them. They are doing the boy a disservice by not implementing a behavior plan that would teach him better skills to cope with whatever is causing him to do this. After all, the real world won't tip toe around him.

I think you absolutely should address this with the director, but go in cool and collected. Being emotional (which is hard b/c you are emotionally attached to the situation) will not help. Even if you have to take notes with you, objectively state how this is not right that your child is being injured at school. Express your concerns and express that you feel the school must do something to make it a safe environment for all the children there. Maybe bringing it to the directors attention well help the school bring in professionals or some training in this area. Maybe the teacher just doesn't know what to do about it.

I don't know anything about the mother, so I can't make assumptions. I'm not bashing any teachers b/c I will be one myself. I am a mother of a special needs boy who has an Autism diagnosis. I see him struggling in social situations and resorting to hitting etc. The teacher has not said one word to me and I personally initiated a meeting which I am going to today. I want to set a clear behavior plan. My son told me that he doesn't get in trouble b/c the teacher does not see him. Even though the school has not expressed any concern I am expressing concern. I do not want his behavior reinforced b/c the teacher is not seeing it or doing anything. I want a plan that implements reinforcing positive behavior and a discussion of a plan that can help us all teach him appropriate social skills. So... I find it sad if the mother did not inform the school that there were things going on, but they need to find a solution to the problem.

I hope all goes well and that you can discuss this with the school in a manner which can help all the students be successful and most importantly safe.

Oh, there is so much wrong here, I don't know where to begin. Your child should be protected in school. The other child has the right to an appropriate education, which includes behavioral education. And the teacher should not be talking about specifics of another child with you ( re family or therapy). Whew... thanks for letting me get that out of the way. Please talk to the director immediately. You cannot control the resources of the school or skills of the teacher, but you can protect your daughter and expect that all children in the class will be safe. Do not give up. You will be doing both children a favor, as your insistance on a safe classroom might well speed up the hiring of additional help or resources, or the placement of this child in a classroom that can better meet his needs. My very best to you.

Yikes!! My son had an awful time controlling his temper when he was younger. It got to the point in third grade that they pulled him out and put him in the special school in our district. They pulled him because it was too difficult to control him and keep him from hurting other students and teachers. I was all for the move, I don't want my child hurting or scaring other kids.

Oh, Andy is Autism spectrum and controls himself quite well now. :)

I just can't believe they are letting this go like that. As much as I knew Andy could not control himself I also knew those kids need to be safe.

The other thing that is strange is although we couldn't tell what were Andy's triggers it wasn't just random swiping, you knew he was going to blow!

I think this concerns me because it looks like that child is not special needs at all. This bothers me because I have a family of ADD and PDD. Growing up with and having older kids with ADD there is nothing worse than when kids with behavior problems get labeled ADD or special needs. It makes people look at the real thing and say they are faking as well, those parents need to discipline more. Not sure if that makes sense.

I want to point something out, he is not diagnosed, he has no IEP, he is not in a protected class yet! They have every right to kick him out up until the point the parents produce documents! I could be wrong but the way you worded it the child is not in therapy and perhaps not seeing a doctor. It is one thing for a parent to say their kid is special needs and quite another for a doctor to say it.

It's completely unreasonable for them to tell the kids to not react to being hurt. All of your concerns are valid and you need to keep pushing until the school finds a beneficial solution for all involved.
Every child has the right to a good learning environment, which includes your daughter, and right now her learning environment is compromised by the fear of getting injured.

Keep pushing until you are satisfied that your daughter has a safe learning environment! The other child needs a good environment too and the school needs to work out the best situation for all.

You know what really bothers me about your story is that the kids are being told to not react to being hurt! That isn't okay, your child has every right to react and cry when she's hurt - especially when there have been times where it wasn't reported because the teacher didn't notice. They should be able to feel secure when they're at school. I realize these things happen sometimes, but this sounds really out of control, you shouldn't be having to deal with it on a regular basis. I would definitely talk to the director if I were you, it sounds like the teacher isn't going to be much help! Good luck! :-)

A.,

What the school is telling you is unacceptable!!! Your child should be able to voice their boundaries and say a clear " NO" "STOP, THAT HURTS" etc. without fearing that it will upset the other child!!! That is the most ridiculous thing ever! I would insist they watch that child like a hawk or remove the child from the school. There has got to be a stopping point on how many incident reports a child can have before they are removed. Your child should not be abused by another kid and that child get away with it~My advice to you as a Pre-K teacher is to talk to the director calmly but firmly. Tell them how upset you are and how the situation has fallen on deaf ears. Best wishes. Let us know what happens.

M

Ow..poor little one......both...yours and the kid....I think that schools should have a different approach for special needs kids, and educate the other kids without problems in some other way . The fact of not reacting or saying something is just absurd; however, special needs kids mostly attend school because they have the right to do it so, and public schools provide the assistance to those parents of special needs who cannot afford to get help or assistance other way. Public Schools suppose to manage this in an effective way, but they don't.
If the kid is a special need kid (I hate labels!!!!) he will be "set him off" or react "out of the blue" very easily, the poor child has no idea how and why he does something. I understand your feelings, and I would be upset also with the school in this situation, but please do not speak with so much anger about this kid..The problem IS the school and the way they manage things. Talk to the teacher, principal or board of education, and explain respectfully and nicely what the problem is. It is OK to do that, do it.

I work on a special needs school bus and deal with different children all day. It is a pretty common misconception that since these children are "special needs" then they do not know how to behave. These are very smart children and they can often manipulate the system. I would talk to the director and ask her why your daughter is forced to be the victim. If there are other preschools in your area I would check into them.

I do understand why inclusion is preferred. For many kids, that's awesome. I have a special needs boy right now that is a wonderful doll baby. He would never hurt a flea. I had another little girl a few years back that was special needs as well and she was safe. But I've had 2 that were and they were MEAN and I didn't know how to do all I do and stay on top of what they needed and keep everyone save. The 4 children I refer to were all in special services and truly special needs.

I also agree with the others that have indicated that not all kids that behave this way are special needs and the parents need to have proof. They don't get a free pass.

You have a right to be angry and this situation needs to change. But the schools hands are tied if he is truly special needs. It's against the law to kick a child out because of their special needs. It's against the law to charge extra money for the child too even though all your time and energy is poured into trying to keep the other kids safe and everyone suffers. A school may need another person on the payroll because of this. But we can't charge more. I've been in this boat and had a mom telling me that I couldn't kick her out of my daycare because of these laws. I begged and pleaded with her to take her daughter someplace else for 6 months. I finally was able to get her out by finding another provider that said she had the experience and the capability of dealing with her. I am not trained to deal with situations like this and there's no way I would want my child to be at risk daily in an effort to help someone else's child. This is WRONG. The world wants for these children to be included in regular schools because somehow it's supposed to be better for everyone. It's wrong, wrong, wrong.

Sounds like the director and staff need some training. I do understand your concerns and they are valid. There really aren't any special needs preschools that I know of. Most places are just treatment facilities. There are early intervention services that I am sure she can get through the local school system and possibly with a diagnosis there may be better fit or assistance the boy can receive. I really feel bad for him. He is not receiving the attention and consistancy he needs. I can't imagine that the director had no clue about issues this boy has though. I am sure that the Mother of the boy is being informed of everything and there is a good chance that she is just beside herself as to what to do. In general most parents of special needs of any kind feel lost and go through emotions as if someone has died (in the beginning). Maybe she is trying to address it as best as possible but isn't receiving the proper direction. Most daycare centers will take any child. I would approach the director sympathetic to the boys needs and state your concerns for your daughter. Maybe the director can have an aide for him to keep his melt downs/ aggression under control. If you don't feel as though your getting anywhere maybe you should try another preschool. Good luck.

I have a child with ADHD and can tell you not to worry. They will kick the child out of school. It happened to us when our son was in preschool. At eight, he still remembers being kicked out but thankfully has had more understanding teachers and parents since then to rebuild his confidence at school.

ETA: For what it's worth, I guarantee you the parents of the child feel 100x worse than you do about the behavior. It's mortifying getting incident reports from the teachers and even worse when you're doing all you can to fix the behaviors to no avail.

That poor little boy - to be only 3 years old and apparently have no one advocating for him, not the school, not his own parents, and certainly not the parents of his classmates.

Personally, I'd be furious if I found out a teacher shared information about my child with other children's parents. That seems highly inappropriate. Perhaps the problem in this situation is the teacher & her way of doing things, rather than the little boy.

My heart really breaks for this other child. However, that being said, you are paying for a safe environment for your child. Something needs to change quickly...and I would tolerate nothing less. If my child was getting hurt at daycare by another child, then at some point one of us would be leaving that facility. If the facility starts losing business because of this child, then they will be more likely to do something....

I would calmly discuss your concerns with the center director, not the classroom teacher.
Also, I would discuss their policy/proceedures. What type of "special need" is occuring (not privlidged, btw - it is a child care center, not a doctor's office) and ask what their current course of action is.
If you feel it is not an appropriate measure, lookinto other centers if possible.
There are trainings the teachers can get for children with behavioral issues, but not sure what they are called up in MI, here they are called C4S and help teachers manage and support classrooms where there are children with behaviorl issues. . .
tough one, for sure.

I would go ballistic if I were you. But the best approach is persistance. Obviously, the daycare does not want him there unless he stops hurting kids. But they need to proceed with caution because even though he may be "special needs" he may not qualify for the town's public preschool since some towns have very strict requirements. I really hope the mom at least tried to get him into that with teachers trained to help him. Sounds like he really should getting an appropriate education and his needs are not being served either.

How sad for both your child and this boy! They are allowing him to hurt other children and not trying to direct him:( and your poor baby is getting hurt:( I would talk to the director and see what they have to say about the issues, sometimes they may not even be aware of it! But in the meantime I would tell your daughter it's ok to tell him "stop" or "no" no child should be taught to be silenced when someone's hurting them, that could lead to huge problems!
Good luck

My friends son was a biter and they basically told her she needed to find another place for him and gave her a weeks notice to do so. So I don't really believe that they are "stuck" with him. So if its preschool and not regular school, they do have options. Its not ok to just have him in with other kids when he is physically hurting them. My step dtr is retarded and they have programs for these kids that are specifically for them. I would talk to the director and make them understand it isn't ok and they need to do something about it. Good luck.

Special needs or not, no kid should be injuring your child at preschool.
Request your child be changed to another room.
If that can't happen the school has to do what ever they can to keep this kid away from yours.
Eventually they will throw him out as the complaints mount up.
At taekwondo there was a kid who had no control of himself.
He'd hit kick punch out of line for no reason at all.
Eventually other kids would hit back and tell him to quit it - which would set him off.
He eventually quit picking on kids bigger than him but he made it miserable for kids smaller than him.
The school had to ask him to leave.

I would talk to the director and say that you found out x from the teacher and your child continues to be hurt by this child. If something is not done, then you need to consider moving your child. Vote with your pocketbook.

The fact that the kids can't predict his behavior to protect themselves is very concerning PLUS they are told to ignore him or it will be worse? He's got the school hostage! Biters get asked to leave daycares all the time. My friend's daughter was asked to leave a preschool before her ADHD-like behaviors were addressed. They need to ask him to leave if he can't fit in with two classes without harming others.

My aunt adopted a number of special needs children. I totally agree that children can be taught what is/isn't acceptable even on a very basic level. My cousins have various abilities but even the one who will never be more advanced than a 6 yr old knows not to scratch, bite or hit.