What's Wrong with Dad?

I hate divorce. God knows I've done it enough in my life. However, his behavior is extremely unhealthy for you and your sons. Him not being able to tolerate a baby cry makes me really alarmed. I hate to be the harbinger of doom but I would make the separation permanent. Let him have visitation at times but only after some counseling. He has issues from his childhood that have manifested in potentially dangerous ways. What if he snaps on your infant?? You have to keep your babies safe and you have to give them a peaceful and loving environment. I know my reply is probably more extreme than others but his actions have raised alot of red flags. Get some help and get out. Staying would be worse than leaving.

M.,

Wow - things sound pretty tough. I think it's great that you have support from your mom, and can go there to get a break. However, I think this is more than growing pains. Sounds like your husband is feeling some stuff about his own childhood, and how his father reacted to him as a baby. I think therapy would be a great idea - you need to know how serous this problem is, and what you can reasonably expect from your husband as he works things out. Also, you need to know how willing your husband is to work on this stuff, and sort it out. If he is not, then it will NOT get any better. However, therapy for you can help you clarify your situation for yourself, and offer support in making the best decisions for your family.

Try and remember that this stuff is not personal to you - I know it affects you personally, but there is nothing you did/are doing to make him respond this way. This is his stuff, and he is the only person who can change it. However, I think it would be unwise to sweep it under the rug, and not address it. This is your family, too, and you need to make your own decisions about whether or not your needs, and the needs of your children, can be met in this situation.

Divorce does affect children, but so does exposing them to unrelenting conflict and hostility. Calling a baby atrocious for crying when he is in pain is a hostile thing to do. I am not saying your husband cannot change, but he has to choose that course, and then he has to commit to it. Your job is to protect yourself and your children from avoidable conflict and provide yourself and your children the best possible living situation. It may turn out that your husband is not willing or able to take on the responsibility for working out his issues. If he cannot, then you and your kids are really better off in a different situation.

Sorry to be so blunt - I am speaking as a single mom of a three-year old girl who has been in the center of conflict for the last two years. It is really hard to look the man you married in the eye and say "This isn't working, and we can't make it work." My ex-husband has a lot of old issues from his childhood that he cannot address - too much pain for him. He doe not see how much he is hurting our daughter with his anger and pain. It's such a difficult situation. In my experience, your best course of action is to get as much support for yourself as you can, reduce your expectations from your husband to zero for the time being, and get into therapy with someone who can really help you sort this stuff out. If he won't go with you, then go by yourself.

Wishing you the best as you deal with this difficult situation,

V.

M., I really am sorry that you are having a rough time. DON'T consider divorce though. I'm sad some people are telling you to divorce so easily. People are way to quick to throw the "D" word out there. No one is perfect people! He hasn't done anything that bad to throw in the towel. JEEZ. having a newborn is stressful on everyone and this isn't a time to be making big decisions like that. I also have an 8 week old and trust me there were lots of arguments and stress. Men also don't have a maternal instinct the same way women do. Moms and dads both need to love and care for their children, but we do it in different ways. I've noticed with my other kids, and as well as friends' kids that husbands can bond more when they are a little older. Men are much more physical and love to rough house and play and that sort of thing. They just feel kind of out of thier element with a baby. Also, another part of it could be the "other" physical aspect of you having a baby. Husbands need to have intamacy with their wives in order to feel happy, sad, but true. You should consider getting a baby sitter and going out for the night with your husband. It sounds like you two could both use some time alone. Try to be sympathetic for him though. It is hard to stay at home with a new baby, and I found baby #2 to be the hardest because you have another son that requires a lot of attention and no one else to help out. I stay at home and it is very draining, he's just feeling some insecurity becuase he doesn't know what to do with a baby and he probably feels like he should be at work supporting you. Communicate with him when there are no kids around and in a loving way, and try to find out what's bothering him. The most important thing is to be empathetic. All relationships need more empathy in my opinion. Just don't call it quits, marriage is about ups and downs, and pulling through the tough times together. Hugs for you and don't forget... the man you married is still in there, rekindle yourselves!

What happened to his first time around? If you can bring yourself to talk to his ex, find out if he exhibited the same juvenile, potentially abusive behavior with her. This man needs to grow up, and hopefully it won't be at your (or your children's!!) expense. Don't leave them alone with him, especially the baby. (Have you ever heard of "shaken baby" syndrome? It can KILL!!!)

You have quite a case!! Just the fact that your hubby had a bad start with his own father is enough to scare me. The fact that he yells at a 6 week old is intolerable. For the sake of everyone, yes, take a break....and a long one at that. I'd quit the job you have right now...I'd be so concerned for your kids physical and psychological safety....esp if you leave the house for this job.
Do you have experienced professional support for the breastfeeding problems?...there are some folks that say the food you eat matters, and others that are not so sure...as babies change and outgrow some problems. One thing I wish I had known about is "lactose overload"....not talked about much in a lot of advice books...and I read a lot. I wish my first few months had been smoother too.
I am glad you are going to get to stay home with your children...but maybe you can find a way to take it slower with the grad school program until you have REAL support. Kids need parents responsive and loving to them, esp in their early years...not parents who run to play video games to escape.
Intellectually your husband may see the need for change on his part but his (like most of us) emotions are ruling his actions. I am wondering how well he gets along with the challenging behavior of your two-year old as well...or what this is all going to look like when your new baby is two..and the other is four! "Growing pains" or growing as in maturing and exhibiting patient, adult behavior, doesn't just happen because challenges present themselves. People have to feel defeat with unproductive modes of action and thought...and then adapt! They have to want to change. It does not sound like your husband is there yet...which is very troublesome. 1st step is to have HIM see where he fits in to this problem...it's not just the baby and you.
Although I will mention that your expectation that he care for a new infant while you work (and the 2 year old?) may have been a bit unrealistic....even for a more mellow personality. Baby remembers mom's voice and heartbeat from the womb...not Dad's...so he can not really be a substitute for you....esp so abruptly.
Does he (or you) wear the baby? (Walking around) Or at least constant motion provided by a swing or bouncer might be calming. Have you used any of Dr Harvey Karp's baby calming methods? Happiest baby on the Block book is usually in public libraries. Or internet. Just to get by a few more days or weeks until you can address the bigger issues.

To me, it kind of sounds like life is perhaps calling you to be a full-time stay-at-home-mom. Frankly, your hubbie's responses are typical (perhaps a bit more extreme than most, but still typical). My husband behaves the same way when he has to watch our son. Most guys simply do not have the patience or the talents to do full-time childcare, and they get impatient and frustrated at the constant irritations and trials of being a caretaker. I know that I would be exactly in the same boat as you if I tried to go to school or work, because my husband has about five minutes of patience. Have you considered laying aside your career and/or schooling for now? It might be frustrating for you, but it would be worth it to save your marriage. Every child deserves a daddy in the home.

There are, of course, other issues here - that's just my first reaction upon reading your post.

Books that I have loved - "The Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (can't remember the author), and "Sacred Influence" by Gary Thomas.

Blessings! And good luck!!!

awe M. i am so sorry to hear you are having problem, i know how frustrating it can be to be a mom and wife and those addition problems CANT help. i know you told most of the situation but i am sure there are a lot more things going on. I dont have any pearls of wisdom or any magic to make things better but just know that if you need to talk i am here. I have never had to go through what you are going through although my marriage is Far from perfect. Hang in there and keep tryin to diffuse the situation when he gets frustrated. my friend has triplets and is a single father so when he gets frustrated and at his end i just try to encourage him and let him know that he is doin the best he can. Good luck!
R.

I think it's wonderful that you have so many interests and are doing so much - mom, work, school. You sound like a very capable woman with many opportunities. That being said, maybe something has to go, for now anyhow. We reevaluated when we had our second child. We decided that something had to change and at first I couldn't imagine "giving up" anything. After awhile, I quit one of my jobs (always was a stay at home mom) and I will probably go back to it at a later time. It's not a sell-out AT ALL. For me, it was yet another opportunity-to help our family be happier. Our lives are much less stressful and we are enjoying life so much more. Again, that's just us, everyone is different. Are you in a financial situation where you could cut down on work for awhile? Or how about school? I'm not suggesting you give up your dreams, not at all. It's just that sometimes we women buy into the idea that we can "do it all" and "all" can just be too much sometimes!
Maybe it's possible that your husband "resents" the baby for taking away his time with you. Do you have couple time? Just because you CAN work, be a mom and go to school, doesn't mean it's the best thing for the WHOLE family at this time. Good luck to you!

Wow, you both have a lot going on so no wonder you both would like to get away. I would suggest you find out what your husband is really feeling. It is hard on husbands when children are born because they get less of us. We stop being romantic or excited to see them, we stop listening to their day (ours is so much harder), we don't bend over backwards to do sweet little things for them (after all, we deserve the extra treatment), etc. Then when they are expected to pitch in and do what doesn't come naturally for them, it is hard. I would be really hesitant if my husband wanted me to change the oil or mow the lawn. Sure, I could figure out how to do it but I wouldn't want to do it on a regular basis. It can get so overwhelming that his needs aren't getting met that he wants to retreat to playing video games or whatever else is an escape. It sounds like he is crying out for something to change. Do you need to work and/or go to school? Small children are hard on a marriage. If the two of you can cut out as many extra stressors, you could spend more time with each other and be HAPPY in your marriage. That would be a real blessing to your kids! The book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is a real eye-opener on how much power we women have to get our husbands to change.

I don't know if I really have advice for you, but I do understand. I'm actually surprised no other mothers have been through this before. When my daughter was born, my husband didn't know what to do. He would get so frustrated that he'd yell at her. I thought something was wrong with him until I talked to guy friends (we're both in the military, so I have plenty of those) I received a lot of insight from older fathers that didn't mind admitting they screamed at their newborns once or twice. My husband plays too much on his computer also. Its an issue we are dealing with. Its frustrating working the same hours he does, coming home to make dinner and play with my daughter while he's playing a computer game and somehow getting the course work for 4 college classes.
I realize it is probably too late right now, but I find fitting college into my life is sometimes an experiment. You need to find out what works. Have you tried online classes? They work for me right now in my life. I'm not sure if your husband is open to this, but counseling might help open him up to issues he's having. There must be something behind this you're not completely understanding.
Good luck and congrats on grad school!

M.,

I'm not a professional counselor or anything, but it seems like your hubby has definite subconcious issues with babies, stemming from his own dad. Not really his fault..he just needs to recognize them and learn how to work on it - and maybe grow up a bit??
All due respect to your mother, but this does not sound like marraige growing pains...it sounds like you and your husband need a really deep heart to heart discussion - no kids around kind of discussion. Make it clear to him what your needs are, what your idea of what makes a marriage work, what you want for your family, how you want to support him...etc. Try to use "I messages", like "When this happens I feel..." Also deep heart and belly listening to eachother. Make a pact that when one of you is talking the other is really really listening and not interuppting or thinking of what needs to be said. Ask questions...get to the bottom of his (and your) feelings of eachothers preconceptions and ideas of marraige kids etc. Most of the time we have so many old agreements of how things should be or how we should be or how others should be that we can't and dont' know how to break those agreements. Get to the root of the issue or issues, then work together for a solution that you both have to be committed to. Marriage is lovely, but it takes work - from both partners. Though I know what divorce can do to chilren, I also know what an unhappy, emotionally unhealthy marriage can also do to children. You both have to decide how committed you are to eachother and to your family unit. It's not easy...there will be tears, heated arguments and it won't take one day. But it would probably be in the family's best interest to get the ball rolling. If professional counseling is within your budget I would suggest seeking out that route as well. Another thought is...when he does do something that is "right" or positive with your baby or help out with house work...sincere praise and thank yous will encourage him to feel good about it and want to do more. I'm sure he is just not comfortable around babies (subconcious issue), show him how HE can soothe a crying baby, show him gentle ways of connectiong with your son (and expect that he will have his own unique way) - He probably just doesn't know. Am I right to assume that he had a difficult time the first time around?
Also, you have alot on your plate without any time to just embrace the time you want with your newborn. What can you give up for NOW. I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong. I'm sure you have reasons to not have been able to take maternity leave or have to go to grad school now. Just think if maybe your grad school could be put off just one semester so you won't be stressed so much. Really think and feel what your priorities are right now and how you can receive the support you need to live your life according to your priorities. And know, that no matter how hard you try...YOU CAN NOT MAKE YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY!!! You can be a loving, compassionate partner, friend, and lover. But he needs to learn how to be happy on his own. Same with you - don't expect him to make you happy. Your own happiness is your job.
YOU HAVE YOUR INNER WISE WOMAN...meditate and listen for her. She (who is really you) will know how to take the next step. She will know the best thing to do for you and your family....not out of fear, but out of love and strength.

I can give all this "advice" from an empty cup, from a space of love and compassion because I have been there done that. And even though my 14 year marraige to my honey man has been very happy...there have been trying times, thoughts of divorce, and much growing and learning about him, about us, and about myself.

I wish you much good energy as you move through this troubling time, and I hope your husband can really figure out how to be the amazing strong and loving husband and father that I am sure he can be.

In peace,
A.
mom of 4, married 14 yrs, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Hello there. I am very concerned for you. I hope that you will take the much needed break and destress. I also hope that your maternity leave will come very soon. My concern comes in for you and the baby because of your husband. I cant imagine how stressful and tiring it must be to have him not help you out in any way. I hope he understands that you didnt make this little boy on your own and he has to help out. I wouldnt be comfortable with him(your husband)watching the baby alone. His temper and impatience really is a concern. I also hope you understand that sometimes something has to give. Put your family first and the housework second. It can and will wait. I am not saying dont do it at all, but do what you can and the rest can wait.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. There's so much going on for the both of you, have you thought about how much time you take for yourself, how much time your husband takes for himself, or how much time you take out for each other without the kids?
Other moms suggested some books, the one that I like right now is called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I don't usually like "self help" books, this is an easy read and I believe I've gotten some good advice from it.
My heart goes out to you, good luck.

Divorce does affect children and it sounds like your husband have some self-confidence issues because his father wasn't involved in the upbringing. it sounds like your husband doesn't know how to be a father and just needs to learn the skills. I am not a psychologist, but I would recommend counseling so that there is a neutral party that may be able to get through to your husband. You have a full time job too - the children and he does need to help around the house. Maybe if you outline your duties on paper, so you each know what you are responsible for.

I think what your family is going through is really common. My husband and I have always had a rough time with the first 9 mos of babyhood. Sometimes the crying really gets to a parent, and they need to remove themselves from it for a few minutes. I would suggest letting your husband know that these feelings are normal. It needs to be okay for either one of you to let the other one know when you need to pass the baby off for a 15 minutes break. This worked well for my husband and me. There have also been a few occassions when it was necessary to put the baby in the crib and leave the room for a minute to calm down when there wasn't a backup parent available. Of course if your husbands short temper worries you that he may hurt your children then that is another story. If your baby is showing signs of colic, I would suggest trying Gripe Water, available at health food stores like Sprouts and Hi Health. It worked wonders with my first child. I also swear by swaddling, swinging, etc as described in the book and video "Happiest Baby on the Block". It may be that once baby is more content, dad will be too. Have a calm talk with him when you return from your mom's, and discuss what each of you need to get through this tough period. Remember, things will get easier as baby gets a little older.

I can completely relate to you. I went through similar issues. Graduate school is difficult without children, and you will need a lot to get through it, whether that comes from husband, parents, friends, whoever. I worked on a study which showed that without that support women will not complete their graduate work. And marriages in which the husband or partner did not support the woman, the relationship terminated. Not because the woman was too career oriented, or wasn't willing to sacrifice, but because if he didn't support her in this, he was likely to fail to support her in subsequent instances not related to school or work.

Another study about romance showed that partners in successful relationships have similar beliefs and values, but complementary (not the same) personalities. You probably want to talk to him about his behavior with your children and see what he really feels. If you disagree on how to handle your children, and these views are extremely divergent, there will always be tension. If not, you can work together to decide what you both want out of parenthood, and what you want out of your marriage. The image that two parent households are always better for children is a fallacy. It can be, but it can also be more destructive.

I hope this helps. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your children. You cannot be the best mother possible if you aren't taking care of yourself; and this taking care of yourself as a wife, mother and a woman. Good luck.

Dear M.-

Congratulations on leaving your husband and keeping your children safe. This is an excellent time for a divorce- the children are young enough. Be careful of what you tell them. Do not make their father pefect- he doesn't 'love'
them.

He loves himself- not a good sign. You will have to get your priorities very clear as a single parent. The ill effects of divorce happen when the single parent does not have time, blames the children (it is not their fault your husband is selfish and immature, and/ or does not step up to the plate in terms of child-rearing.)

Your husband is probably not going to change. These are not 'growing pains.' You and your children are at risk. He needs to be supervised when he is with the children. Incidents such as you describe can escalate into physical violence. Has he been in the military? If so, this should be reported, and he should be treated for PTSD. Probably needs treatment, anyway, based on his behavior and history.

As the child of such a man, I can tell you that my father was a bully, totally untrustworthy, and abusive on all levels. He, too, began when I was very young. I found out during my many years of therapy, when the earliest identifiable episode indicated that I was pre-verbal at the time.

If you allow this, or make excuses for your husband, there will be problems with your children, and they will blame you eventually.

PS- no coffee, no caffeine of any kind; try eliminating citrus and melon. That worked for my son when I was breastfeeding.

My thought are with you - S.

Hi M.,
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through - how difficult to say the least. I just wanted to say after reading some responses that say definitely get divorced, definitely don't get divorced, definitely quit school and stay home, etc. that you need to do what is right for you and your family. You know the situation better than anyone to know if you honestly think this is something you and your husband can work out through counseling, date nights, etc. or not. I do hesitate in encouraging you to drop out of school though. I am in graduate school myself, as is my husband, and it has been very challenging balancing school, work, motherhood, and all else. On the other hand, it is a goal to work towards that will allow you to better provide for you and your daughter (in case of a divorce) or your entire family (if you are able to get through this together). I don't know how far you are into graduate school, what you are studying, or how much you have yet to go, but I would encourage you to keep trucking away at it if only once class at a time. I have seen other mother's quit school due to childcare constraints and what not and have found it difficult, if not impossible, to go back. But then again, like I said before - you know better than me or anyone else what is best.
Good luck!
N.

Dear M.,
You need his support now. Please dont attempt to convince yourself otherwise. You are going through hormonal changes, but it sounds like he is the one acting it out. I suggest HE seek help. Polarity could be helpful, as could be EFT, Hypnotherapy or some other energy psychology. Since he isnt the one writing, I dont suppose he will seek help, though. He sounds stressed and that could be causing him to be insensitive. If he wont seek help, it would be helpful then for you to, since you are the only one you can really help.

Be sure to find the support you need since he isnt giving it to you. LaLeche League offers meetings with other new and experienced moms who are breastfeeding. You can gain much encouragement, support and information from them. It is essential that you find some way to take care of yourself. It is so important that you do, that is WHY maternity leave is offered. Why not reconsider taking it NOW, when establishing and bonding your relationship with your baby is so vital? This is a stressful and busy time for the whole family; give yourself (and your family) the break you so deserve.

We women seem to have tendencies to expect so much from ourselves. Being a new mom is a fulltime job. I understand in the country of France new moms get a whole year off work to care for the new baby. They understand how important having that time is for healthy families. I am sharing this info to help you see that pushing yourself so hard just isnt necessary or even good for you.

I agree with the people who are concerned about your husband's behavior. I share that concern. I hope he will be willing and able to seek help, but if not, please, help yourself and your children. The same therapies I mentioned for him could be helpful for you, too. I am so glad you can find some solace with your mom. THat is a wonderful thing.

Understanding that you're in a delicate place hormonally/physically/probably financially and definitely stress-wise I'm going to say this anyway... sounds like "what divorce does to children" is nothing compared to what they'll be in for if you stay together. The man is yelling at a six-week old baby. And acting worse than your two year old by saying "I can't hear you." He sounds dangerously self-absorbed and you don't need that! Use that time with your Mom to figure out how to get out and stay out, the sooner the better.... sounds like you and your boys will both be better off. I know it sounds harsh, but you're not going to see major personality change in this man, even if he wanted to. I truly wish you and your children the best.

Hello M.,

It really sounds like your husband may have a problem with depression. I have the problem and it sounds a lot like I was before I got help and am now on medicine to help myself. I would strongly suggest he talk to a psychologist or a psychiatrist about what is making him so angry and where the hostility is coming from. They can then figure out if group therapy is the answer or medicine is the answer for him. If he is suffering from bipolar or the worst type of depression, he is a danger to you, your kids and himself if he isn't treated. I have this and so I know and I caught it in time to save everyone from myself.

I think getting away from him and giving him some space right now is the best thing you can do to let him calm down and maybe think about what his family means to him. I do not think he would want to do what his father did to him, and that could even be the root of his depression. Give him space and then talk to him calmly about what happened and how it made you feel. Let him tell you how he feels and then broach the subject of maybe doing a family therapy session. That way he knows you want to help him and yourself. You may want to drop one of the things you are doing and start your maternity leave now so that it makes things a little less stressful as well. That way he knows it is not just himself compromising. You have to talk and meet in the middle somewhere though. Family council ling may also help your marriage grow stronger by getting a little insight into what is going on and how yuo both feel about what is happening.

D.

This happened to me when I had my second baby. We were engaged to be married and the date was set one month out when I found I was pregnant with my first child. He freaked, packed up and left me hi & dry. We got back together, got married and a few months later, I was pregnant with my second child (one year later). He seemed like he was happy at the time; however after the baby came, he started hating her sometimes, ignoring her other times, but when he was in a 'good' mood, he loved her and played with her.

I later found out after years of frustration, he was a manic depressive or bipolar. What you're describing sounds very much like my situation back then. It isn't really their fault when they get this way, it is a disease, just like diabetes or parkinsons; however,there are medications he can take to help curb the super highs when everything is so good it can't get any better and the superlows where he thinks of suicide and can barely function as a man much less as a husband or father. With medication, there can be a HUGH difference in the mood swings and he will be more stable emotionally.

Regarding feeding issues: I could not produce enough milk and started to supplement with formula...bad idea. Many babies get colic from a mix of breast and formula. If you have too many problems breastfeeding, you may want to consider going straight to formula.

I hope this helps

S in Albuquerque

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. The books that have helped me are Created to be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl and The Total Woman by Maribel Morgan. Try to be understanding and supportive of him no matter how much of a bear he is. He may be overwhelmed and unable to express his feelings. I think he would be more able to help you and be there for you more if he feels better himself. Good luck to you and hang in there.