What the Heck Happened to My Inlaws?!

I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure what your complaint/problem is.....

sure they've said/done some really weird stuff....like the Vegas/take the kids off your hands...comment. But....are you just venting? That's the end result of my reading your post twice now!

I totally get their "no" to you today...about you going out for Mexican instead of picking up the kids as scheduled. Late or delayed pickups drive me nuts! They had plans, they were going out.....I totally get it.

As for the whole not eating thing....it really doesn't make any sense. They overfed the baby? & didn't feed the 6yo? Don't get it! & how did picking up the kids affect your dinner plans....again, don't get it! If your 6yo hadn't eaten too, then the reasonable choice would have been for you to pick him up & then go out as a family. If the baby was full, then he would have been content thru dinner!

A lot of your post just feels like somebody complaining. It seems as if no matter what your ILs do....you are going to find fault with them. I'm sorry if this offends you, but I don't know what else to say. They are gparents, they are not responsible for childcare. They have nights out in their lives, they travel, they give you $$.....so what if they don't feel a need to babysit? This does not make them "bad"....& life should not be a competition btwn the 2 sets of gparents. One set enjoys baby time & one does not. The End :)

Sounds like they have a life of their own, not into babysitting so much anymore. But isn't this good since you used to struggle because they thought your kids were theirs? Maybe demanding your kids back on the weekends showed them you were right, they're your kids, you got your wish and this is now who they (your in-laws) are.

Bottom line, people we love don't always do things the way we want or expect them to, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them, they are who they are.

It sounds like they are nice people that aren't really into babysitting. It is what it is. You can't change people to meet your needs. Be happy your kids have 2 sets of grandparents.

my inlaws have watched my kids twice so my husband & i could go out and one my mil said no but my fil talked her into it .....and that was 4 yrs ago & our kids are 7, 6, & 4

last time my inlaws were over our home was april, she actually called today & asked if they could come over tomorrow.....which means she sits & wants me to wait on her

my mil doesn't celebrate any holidays or birthdays, so my kids never get presents from her or even a call on their birthdays

i don't have any parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles......just 1 sister

i hear your frustration but your inlaws are probably in a different stage in their life & with age comes less patience & energy so try to not let this bother you so much.....just look at it as in they are the ones missing out

Sounds like they were over the moon, but went a bit far.. Then maybe felt hurt when you wanted your children back.. Maybe they took it a little personal so they moved on....

We cannot change who our parents are. Some are great with young children and some are a lot better when the children are older.

I know our daughter has many sets of grandparents and loves them all, but for all different reasons.

You cannot have expectations, because they are who they are..

You seem to bot be happy with them in the past or now.. Not sure if you think all grandparents should be like your parents.. But the more you pioint out their shortfalls to your husband.. the more it will make him want to defend them against you.

I know this from personal experience. After 17 years of my MIL favoring her daughters children.. i no longer speak or see her. Our daughter loves her, but totally understands what had been going on.. My husband has apologized for his mom, but reminds me, "I cannot change who she is, I love her because she is my mother."

I don't think it matters what the grandparents do, it's never good enough for you. Maybe Grandma and Grandpa figured that out and stopped trying. Maybe they just don't want to watch kids anymore (anyone's kids).

But I don't think you need to obsess about it either - really, up all night thinking about this? Girl, you need to let this go. Just love Grandma and Grandpa the way they are and be happy they are still alive and able to take care of themselves.

Next time, either stay home with the toddler or bring him to the game - just bundle him up good. And don't forget to invite the grandparents to the game.

My sister is like your inlaws...she really doesn't like to babysit...and when she does...she will start texting her DIL the moment she knows she gets off work.."what time do you think you'll be here?"...she will have the baby dressed and sitting on the front porch waiting. Sometimes she is sitting in the car with the baby waiting for her DIL to arrive...so she can take off to do whatever. If she's late....the texting will continue and my sister starts accusing her of doing other things instead of "picking up her own child", never could understand that. Babysitting is no easy job when you're older...the younger the child the harder. It's nothing to do with not loving them. Just some grandparents are move involved with outside activities...I for one will always chose time with my grandchild over anything else....no matter the age....he has never been a burden to me.

You were not happy when they acted as if your kids were theirs. Then you're not happy that they don't pay enough attention to your kids.

Is it possible that intentionally or unintentionally, they figured out that you were ticked off that they were so into your kids, kept them all the time, you "had to ask for the kids back" etc. -- and so the in-laws got the message and backed off, thinking that you wanted them to back off?

Your husband and you and the in-laws need to talk about what you want. And what THEY want, which may have changed since you had your older kids. I'm not quite sure you know yourself what you want or expect from them. You have tallied every single time they babysit ("five times in 18 months" for your toddler) which sounds, frankly, like you're keeping score between your parents and your in-laws -- you talk about how your parents will sit most any time, but your in-laws don't seem to do it enough for you.

I would bet that they realized, or maybe you or your husband told them?, they were overbearing with the older kids, so for the younger ones they have backed off, "given you room," whatever. Ask them if that's what they're doing. You may be surprised to find they thought they were doing what you wanted; I'm sure they picked up on the negative vibes they got when they kept the kids too much.

Talk through this with your husband and see what you really expect. But bear in mind, you may have expectations that don't fit with what the in-laws want or are willing to do; they don't have to babysit at all. It's your good fortune to have in-laws and parents who are healthy enough to babysit, but it's not anyone's obligation to babysit, even if they love the grandkids. They may just say they have their own friends and interests and activities now that they did not have when your other kids were younger.

Okay, you wrote a lot, but what exactly is the problem?

Sounds like you in-laws are done being parents/grandparents. They are happy to be empty-nesters and are glad to get out of the house and feel young again - stay out all night, drink a lot, party, go to Vegas. All the things maybe they wanted to do as young adults, but now they have the money and freedom to actually do so as older adults. But they want to still be in your lives, so they give nice gifts (cash) and hope you will forgive them for not being there.

Some mom's and dad's can't wait to be grandparents so they can spoil their grandkids, and some say "I had you, I raised you. Now it's your turn. I'm free!"

I feel for ya. I hope you can get some rest. Yes - be glad that your kids have your mom still. I hope they can get to know their other grandparents. I have a cousin who's kids say something like "Nana is Alex's grandma and Grams is Will's grandma, right?" Poor kid sees the favortism that one grandma plays to one kid over the other.

My mom doesn't watch my child because she has raised seven kids and some grandkids. I don't expect her too. My inlaws don't babysit as well and I don't expect them too either. My mom and mother in law is in my child's life and that's fine with my husband and I. I don't get checks for him for Christmas nor for birthdays. That is fine with me. I love my mom very much and I understand that she just don't want to watch kids anymore, just as I have stopped babysitting myself because I need some time to myself. I think you have it made because you have several people who support you. I wouldn't worry about any of it. My husband and I depend on our school and aftercare services. We live a happy life knowing that he is somewhere were he is being taken care of and is happy. We don't worry about family members who help or don't help. I think you just needed to vent because you may not be feeling them at all. It happens. I just understand my situation and I don't expect anyone to babysit. When someone ask I'm grateful. Your pregnant and just need to vent.

Hi, maybe they're not into watching kids anymore. Who cares if your kids don't get to see them, at least they get to spend lots of time with your parents. It sounds better to me! My kids hardly see my parents due to the fact that they're on the other side of the world. Part of me doesn't mind. My mother is definitely tired of watching kids, because my sister lives on the second floor of my parents home with her three kids. Don't be hard on the in-laws they're probably tired. I'm 41 and tired of my kids at times. Can you imagine asking a 60-65 year old to watch kids. The noise, crying, whining, wanting all the time and being sick around them. Imagine having to deal with that all over again in your 60's. Do you know how many times my parents have gotten sick with viruses, and pneumonia? They are also more prone to getting sick easily. I've already made up my mind that I will not watch my children's children one day (if I'm still alive). If I have the money, I'll be more than happy to pay for a nanny to be with grandchildren. I know it may sound selfish, but I'd like to go back and start playing some golf, being with my friends and taking trips with hubby when that time comes. You're pregnant, congratulations, you have to focus on yourself more and stay relaxed as much as you can. Don't let anything or anyone get to you. Besides do more things with your parents since they're willing to. Good luck and no more worries!

hon, you sound pregnant and cranky and as if you need to vent. this is a great place for that. but your in-laws really don't sound so bad. they probably understood your earlier aversion to how into the kids they were and have shrugged and gone in the other direction. my parents know that i've got a better idea of what my kids want for christmas than they do, so always give me a check (not nearly $1000!) so i can shop for 'em.
YOU decided not to go out for mexican. whether the little ones had eaten or not really doesn't make much difference.
but that's cool. hopefully the venting made you feel better and now you can go on and have a nice day.
:) khairete
S.

I have just come to the conclusion that sometimes inlaws are just crazy. Case in point, one year my MIL made a huge deal that they wanted to take us and the kids to Disney (we live close by to Disney) for their birthday. Since we had a pretty crappy experience at a themepark with her previously, I was apprehensive. But she laid on the guilt trip...naturally out of my DH's earshot. So, the week before the scheduled trip, MIL started making noise about not having enough money to do this and could we do something less expensive. Luckily, we hadn't told the kids about the trip in advance...I just had a feeling. They went back and forth a few times on what they wanted to do. We ended up at the FL Aquarium where my MIL proceeds to excitedly tell me about the cruise that they had just booked for later that year. It seriously annoyed me, but it just wasn't worth making a huge deal about... Once you accept that sometimes they are just going to act crazy...then it becomes a bit easier...

It sounds like you had a lot of emotional feelings..and thoughts....5 months pregnant as well. What I've learned is that some people have great IL's, some have awful IL's, and are involved and some are not. You and your husband should definitely talk about this and figure out what you two will be doing.

Some people have suggested that you "talk" to your IL's about the issues/problems. Sorry to say..that some of IL's are not OPEN to that idea. Once you open that issue/subject..for some reason..they get even more upset..offended..and it actually makes the situation worse.

There should definitely be no competition between the grandparents, but sadly it happens and it's real. I guess for your IL's...they are only good for certain things...and you're limited. True, that your mom and dad are open and willing and that's a great support system that you have there.

Relax...and work around your schedule w/o your IL's if you can. I'm a little sadden that they gave you check to buy gifts for the kids. I actually wouldn't have accepted it the check. Even if they had given it to my husband w/o me being present, my husband wouldn't have taken it. Sometimes when a large check is given to you...that person or persons think you owe them later.

This comment may not help or make any sense...but anyways, 1. relax and no negative vibes for your little one 2. do w/o your in laws 3. Be happy with your hubby and family. If they weren't around...it'd be you and your husband to handle things.

Good luck!

Sounds like a lot of miscommunication going on and decisions based on what others have done instead of on what you want to do. I agree MIL should've just said they had plans instead of lying about eating.

You seem to still have negative feelings about how they wanted the kids all the time at the beginning. You got past that and they've gone in the other direction. I suggest you get together when everyone is rested and calm and discuss what it is you'd like to have happen. Find out if they really don't want to have the kids or if they're acting this way in response to your objection to the way they were treating them. I suggest the air needs to be cleared so that you can start over.

I also suggest that if you wanted to get Mexican you could still do that even after picking up the younger kids. Had the 6 yo eaten? Both could nibble off of your orders. The way you worded this it sounds like you didn't eat out because of your in-laws actions.

I wonder if all of you are reacting to what's happened in the past and are just going back and forth reacting to past actions instead of dealing with the current situation based only on the current situation.

Have confidence in yourself and your family so that you don't need their approval.

Sounds like they are going through a new mid-life crisis/empty nesters wanting to have fun and not be tied down to babysit. They kept calling b/c they were anxious to leave, but didn't want to tell you that.

Really, it's annoying but let it slide off your back. You don't need the extra stress :)

P.s. Sorry...my ipad auto corrects my text..in just reread this, and it has horrible English....

My MIL and FIL are the exact same way...heck my own mother border line this too! I agree with Jess in Texas. It's just them , they are done and want to live life up sans kids.

It annoys me that my MIL spends every penny and every minute renovating her home, but won't spend time with her grandkids or buy them anything, not even lunch. She is SO cheap too. She has the money, but fgives them used items for generations past that are junking up her house as birthday gifts. For our wedding we got a third of a crystal set that she divided into three wedding gifts for different people, used crystal, and wrapped in a old tablecloth as gift paper... she never supports our kids in school fundraisers, she never gets invites the over or calls them, or even stops by to say hi, and we live in the same city. So I totally feel your pain. All she talked about is her renovations, and the big adult only party she will have once. It's done. My kids are not allowed over during renovations, and that has been going on for almost two years now. My mother is like a teenager, she spoils our kids with gifts and money, but does NOT like to watch them. She parties more than I ever dd and goes to more rock concerts than I did!!!

Yeesh, I love them all dispite the flaws, but good grief!! How much longer do I have to sugar coat grandmas/pas absence in their lives?

Hang in there lady, we all are, and at least our kids have OUR undivided attention! Ther are some little ones out there who lack even that!