What Should I Do If Everytime I Ask My

You could try being less specific. Just ask him how things went and what they did. If you respond positively, he might feel more relaxed and let you know if there were any rough times or if he has any concerns.

Document everything! Every visit, what your daughter says and when, her sleep habits and crying (nightmares?), your conversations with him and his wife, all phone calls (notes, emails, etc. - print these also), the outcome.....EVERYTHING! Be sure to date entries. Take it all to court. Have them check the situation with a case worker to be sure it is a safe and healthy environment for her there. Best wishes!

Don't let her stay there overnight any more.
If/when husband goes to court to request enforcement,
then you can bring up, documented,
the history of what has been happening each time she's been there.
Just keep her at home with you until he attempts to force the issue.
See if the court has a mediation office.
They may be able to assist you with this.

I can't tell from your question why you are asking him these questions. Do you have reason to believe that she is being mistreated there? If not, then I don't understand why these questions are relative and you should stop asking them. If your child is old enough to talk about experiences then just keep an open line of communication with her and if you pick up on any problems, then investigate.

Zk,

From reading your previous posts, and this one, it sounds like there's a communication--and a method of communication--breakdown here between yourself and your daughter's father and wife. So I'm going to come at this purely from a problem-solving perspective: let's put aside all the interparental relationship stuff for now. I nannied with families for years, and in coparenting their children, the parents and I had to learn how to best communicate clearly with each other about what happened during the day.

I found that the most helpful, instructive way possible was by writing information to each other. At daycares I worked at, we kept little charts of how much and what they ate at meals and snacks, and diaper changes, naps, a bit about the day's activity and posted it outside the classroom, so that parents could prepare for their child and know if something big had happened--someone got knocked over or if they might be hearing about the fire alarm that went off that day. Parents often like to know this stuff. Know the tone of their child's day.

If this is what you are wanting from him, clear communication, perhaps just creating a little sheet for each of you to fill out for the day before pickup, so the other parent can best help your daughter transition back and forth. It's an opportunity to let each other know about health, sleep, energy level and any unusual or upsetting things that may have occured. If doctor's appointments have/are occuring, it's good for you all to be on the same page, a team, for your daughter.

It may be, too, that if you are asking these sorts of questions, he's taking offense. I have worked with families for a long time and if they asked me those questions, I'd feel they were fishing for bad news. That's a scary place to go in a relationship, to look for bad news in concern to another person's relationship with their parent. I wouldn't ever want to be put in that position professionally, and he may feel he's got a target on his back. I can tell you from experience that children I loved and had helped raise since they were babies often had night terrors at 2 and 3 when their parents were gone. And it had absolutely nothing to do with the children being mistreated: they just cried because they missed their mommy and daddy. It's sad to be the person in their bedroom at night, holding them while they cry, and know that I can't solve *this* problem. I'm sure being asked some of these questions directly makes him feel terrible.

I'd try just using written worksheet communication. It will be better than email, trust me. Just ask him if he'd agree to doing that. It's a good place to start.

Kids generally take awhile to get settled after an exchange with a parent, and it is even more pronounced with your child because the change in routine is new. More than likely, your child is experiencing anxiety that will gradually improve. Secondly, you will not be able to communicate effectively with Dad without the help of a good coparent (or parallel parenting) counselor. Dad is clearly perceiving every question or suggestion from you as a threat or criticism. And he has good reason to. First, he and his wife are each trying to settle into a routine with his child, and into their new role as parents of this child, and so the dynamics between all three of them is in flux, causing Dad to experience emotions such as insecurity or fear. Dad is also trying to establish a bond with his child, and he knows you have cornered the market on bonding with this child, which only magnifies his insecurity. On top of all that, he senses that you are now "breathing down his neck," as you have been sending smoke signals about how his parenting skills and household is dysfunctional, if not downright dangerous. If you clearly have information to substantiate your claim that she is crazy, then you need to contact a good family law attorney. However, it sounds as if you have already been down that road and didn't get the court's support on that claim. Remember that it is generally the court's position that both parents are equally entitled to raise the child so long as neither of them has a habit of physically neglecting or abusing the child. So, where does that leave you? Be alert and vigilant about the welfare of your child while giving Dad some space to work through all these new issues. As hard as it is, you need to back off, and try to be as supportive, flexible, and cooperative as possible with the goal being that Dad can feel like he can come to you with questions or even invite you over to his home. Ideally, an apology would be in order from you, where you tell him and his wife that you have been in hyper overdrive and that you do support him developing a strong and happy relationship with his child and want to support her role as the child's stepmother. While that is all the very opposite of what you would really like to do and say, it is the smart thing to do. Realistically, you and Dad are in a high-conflict relationship, and since you will both be raising your child together, you both need to learn how to negotiate and effectively communicate instead of throwing fuel on the fire. That's where an experienced family counselor comes into play - helping minimize the conflict - to support your child's emotional, social, and educational development. If nothing else, your backing off may just give Dad (and his wife) enough rope to hang himself with, giving you a stronger legal basis to change the custodial situation. Either way, allowing Dad a chance to get his guard down will lead to what your ultimate goal is - your daughter being as happy and safe as possible. And don't forget to visit your attorney every now and again to get advice about how to stay on track with your goal.

P.S> I am not an attorney, but a parent who has been in a similar, contentious, situation to yours for many years, and a divorce coach and educator.

Could you communicate by note? email?

You don't say how old dd is, maybe you could ask her? sometimes they don't think to lie ;-)

Would it help if you started the conversation with "I am concerned about such-&-such behavior, and wonder if it is happening when she is with you? "

Sorry, not much help! good luck

K. Z.

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Go to court and ask for a change in the orders. Too bad she isn't breastfeeding - that automatically stops overnight visists until she is done nursing. Oh well...

Still get a court date to change the overnight visits. Seems like it isn't in her best interest.

It seems like many people are assuming that there is a problem, but I'm not sure that you even thought that yourself...
I think a general, "Did everything go okay?" is sufficient.
Going between houses/families is stressful for kids. It is.
This can lead to behavior changes, anxiety, etc. It doesn't mean anyone is treating anyone badly. Sometimes kids behave differently at school vs at home, even though both the parents and teacher are doing a good job.

I think they are defensive/annoyed because you are asking them questions and they see it as unnecessary and implies that you don't think they are capable. It is also possible that they just want less time spent talking to you...
I would just let it go, unless you have a very specific or serious concern.

I believe that what the fear of the exhusband and his wife is that you don't trust him and that you are fearful of the child feeling close to them and not seing the things you do.
Frankly I have just spent 18 hours with my active 16 month granddaughter. She only threw 2 major fits and was put in time out for both, I am exhusted!! I am sure that they will handle the things she does and that you will have to accept that they will do it different than you will. If your only real concern is somethin that she does and than we are talking a new horse Find another way to word your question and do not expect his to have alot of time for you. That won't happen. I am sure that they will let you know if there is a problem, and if you are able to set aside your emotions towards one another & think positive something will work itself out.. I wish you all good luck and that you will jointly find some ground to stand on that will unite you and not divide you. .