basically, this stems from the fact that the mom of my step son and my husband's 5 yr old son is ignoring our texts and emails regarding meeting her new boyfriend. her last boyfriend moved out in march and we are estimating that she has been with this new guy for amonth or so. our son has already met him, the new guy has stayed over at their house, and our son has even shared a bed with his mom and her new bf (or guy she is dating.. and this is a whole other issue that we simply stated to her that for ____'s own safety that he should not be sharing a bed with her and any of her boyfriends or guys she is dating. and she didnt respond to that either.).
we have asked multiple times for a week now in a very civil manner tht we would appreciate meeting him if he is going to be around our son (step son, whatever.. he is still my son bc i've helped raise him for the past 4 years). she refuses to respond. she basically jsut ignores it and when we dropped him off on sunday she had her brother in law, who is living at her house, answer the door so she could avoid us and she refused to come to the door. ?????
in the past she let us meet her last boyfriend after about a month of them being together but maybe just bc they moved into together after a month or so. the one before him didnt last long enough for us to meet and she allowed us to meet the one before that.
it isn't like we want to grill him and she knows that bc we have never done that in the past. we just want to meet the guy who is around our son, not too much to ask! if he wasnt around our son we would care less who she dates or hangs out with. all we have ever done in the past is just be introduced.
she is not always cooperative or easy to get along with so it doesn't necessarily suprise me that she is being like this. it is just very childish for a 30something year old woman to not even respond or even acknowledge us... she could just say "no, you cant meet him." i know we have no rights and we aren't DEMANDING to meet him, we just have said multiple times, "we would appreciate meeting ____ (new guy) if he is going to be around ___ -childs name). once again, i understand we have no right and we arent trying to force her.. we just asked bc in the past it wasn;t a problem but now all of the sudden it is.
*** in my husband's custody papers there is nothing about her not being able to have over night visitors. unfortunately! we do plan on taking her to court, one day when we have enough $$, and trying to get custody bc there are other "not so great mommy" issues she has other than what this post is about.
i also might add that i have frequent communiation with the mom. she and i communicate in person, through email and through text and we have been doing so for awhile now. she and i are not strangers.
rachel k: my husband sent the texts not me. and we have a joint email account and that was the last resort after she wouldnt respond to the text. as for both of us dropping him off, we believe it is important to pick him up as a family and to drop him off as a family plus it is a far drive so we always go together. our 2 year old son goes too. i didnt go to the door, my husband did and in the 4 years of us being together i have gone to the door less than 5 times.
and i hardly think me being concerned about the fact she has exposed him to numerous boyfriends and let him sleep with her boyfriends in his short 5 years is me being judgemental. i'm sure it is hard being a single mom but there is no need to have a different guy around your child every few months. what example does that set? esp when he is still attached to the last guy. And yes, i trust the family members who have been in the family for years versus the new guy who has been around for a month or so. and i dont think it is a matter of controlling her but more like trying to make sure that his son, my step son is being well cared for at all times.
Have you all considered a suprise drop by the house when you know the guy will be around?? Take the decision out of her hands. . .
I understand what a lot of the ladies are saying, but some of this behavior is just over the top in terms of mommy exposing child to things/situations, etc.
someone needs to advocate for the child and if it is his dad and you - so be it!
Good luck!
It doesn't cost anything to go to court and request a modification to the existing custody arrangement to include an amendment about overnight visitors and the chance to get basic information regarding other adults who will be allowed regular contact with the child in the child's home. In Massachusetts, there's a Complaint for Modification and then a bunch of other papers (affidavit of care and custody proceedings involving a minor child, domestic relations summons, and others). You should be able to get this information for your state on-line and/or get help from the clerk on filing procedures at the family court office.
As long as you can document the revolving door of boyfriends and frame the question as being in the best interest of the child, this seems like a very reasonable request and one that a judge will approve. I know other people have gotten similar stipulations in their custody agreements so there is precedent for this. I think it's perfectly reasonable to be able to meet the guy of the month and get enough identifying info on him to do a background check at your own expense before he is allowed to spend time at the child's home, especially overnight.
I agree, tough one. Its her life, wether shes making appropriate choices or not. HOWEVER sharing a bed with this man and the child??? NO WAY!!!! That is 100% unacceptable on so many levels.
Sadly she is setting a very poor example for this child. I don't know, it may seem extreme but I'd consider reporting the fact she's allowing multiple men in and out of her house and sons life and that she's allowing them in bed with and her child. That just disturbs me. It may be innocent, but since this man obviously barely knows the child, its wrong. And she's possibly asking for a bad situation, and making her child vulnerable. She apparently has very bad sense of judgement! Keep a close eye on this situation.
Sadly, this isnt uncommon. So many women can't seem to function without a man in their life, any man. And subject their kids to guy after guy just so they're not alone. Pretty sad.
This is a tough one. I do understand your concerns. But here are some things to consider:
- she is an adult. She does not have to introduce anyone she dates to you if she does not want to. Now, if there are some stipulations in a court order with regard to male visitors, look into that. Contact the attorney who handled the case. (I hope there is one).
- If you don't want to grill the guy, what do you want to accomplish by meeting him? Just trying to get some insight into what your goal is here. In other words, say you meet him and don't care for him. Then what?
If this woman has a history of poor decision making and endangering her children in any way, those issues really need to be addressed by attorneys who deal with family law issues such as these.
To answer your question - is this normal? Maybe. There is a more important question though - how the CHILD feels about this. Does the child like him? If you think the child is in danger, act on it. Please do not think from my post I am downplaying your concerns. All Valid - just trying to paint a big picture for you.
Good luck!
My opinion not sure that you have a right to ask to meet this guy...and really what would you accomplish if you did meet him?
You really don't have a right to meet him unless it was spelled out in your decree. I would agree with it is not normal and that she has let you in the past and not now would make me believe this one is worse than the others. I wonder what she is hiding.
I think if it were me I would call the police, not 911 (not sure why some people think that is the number for the police), and ask if there is any way they can run a background check on him.
WHY do you keep pushing this woman. YES she sucks as a mother (only from what you say about her). But you need to stop already.
You said it "isn't like we want to grill him", I hope you aren't doing this!!!!!!!
If you really want to be *proactive* in your step sons life, talk to him about good touch bad touch & DO NOT be specific like 'if your mommies boyfriend......".
Maybe if you backed off you would get further with having open lines of communication with her but no one likes to be hounded especially by an ex & his wife, you won't win this one.
You don't have the right to demand this meeting. It would be a courteous thing to do on her part (if it's a potential life partner), but honestly she doesn't have to do this.
As for the sharing a bed thing... wierd and very much within your rights to request that it not happen again, but you really can't do much to enforce it.
All I'm going to say is I have and am in the same position with 2 step children. Both are older; 15 and 11. The 15 year old now lives with us, because of these issues - mom having MULTIPLE boyfriends and they are always at the house.
It is a battle you will never win. My step daughter lives with her mom and has to live this, although she is 11 and this is all she has ever known, so she doesn't express that it bothers her like my step son (15 year old) did.
People raise their kids differently and in her mind she thinks she is doing everything right. Not every mother puts their children first, sometimes we do get selfish as parents and think of our needs before how our actions will affect our children now and in the future.
I feel your frustration...keep trying to be the positive role model in the boys life and kids are not stupid they will figure things out on their own. Unfortunately in our situation my step son doesn't have much time for his mother now that he is 15 because of her actions like this.
Good Luck!
It's great that she has introduced previous boyfriends to you, and I can see why her not wanting you to meet this one would be a concern. But I don't think she is legally required to let you meet him.
If you have evidence that inappropriate things have gone on in her household, that should be taken to your lawyer to discuss your options.
You have no right to question het she's not your ex and he's not your child. Let your husband handle her. From the sounds of your last question you are upset because the three of them shared a bed during a camping trip I hate to break it to you but he could have been in just as much risk sharing a bed with the cousin or other family member. They were in a camper how much could go on without the other family there noticing?!?!
I think you and your hubby need to back off and stop trying to control things which you have no control over. Geez....it's not like they invited him into bed to join in the sex! You don't get the entire story from kids you only here certain facts...perhaps we fearful being in a different place. Your hubby should be working with HIS ex about THEIR son. Instead of sending her texts from the both of you he should be sending solo ones, why do you both need to drop him off, let dad do it he may get further with her then he would if you there. From the sound of it I wouldnt want to answer my exs questions when he has such a judgmental wife I'd avoid you too.
The sleeping in the bed thing would royally piss me off and I would take that up with my attorney. Surely, there are stipulations in the agreement for things like this... especially if he is living or staying over night in the home.
custody and divorce are sticky issues. Best handled before problems come up. You're right, you can't legislate what Mom does or does not do which includes time with her son in her own home. One wouldn't think you would have to stipulate that "a child cannot sleep with Mom and her boyfriend" in a legal document! Crazy to even think about that. I'm going to hazard a guess that she does not want you all to meet her new guy because she does not want to, plain and simple and well within her rights. There is really no legal way you can force that if it's not in the agreement. Sad but true. It might be better for Dad to communicate with his childs mother directly and you stay out of it. Hard to do. I've been there done that. Either you hire a lawyer and hash it out in court (and it takes a LOT to remove a child from his custodial parent). If you think he is in danger please please do whatever it takes to get him out of there. Right away. You've heard of CPS right? Don't do that without your husbands ok though and also expect to be inspected. If she has custody she should have a room for the child, to include his own bed. Good for you for being your stepchilds advocate! Good Luck.
Oh Just wanted to add. 25 years ago I became a stepmom to a 4 and 2 year old. They spent MANY nights with us through the years and especially when they were little. If one was sick or needed their Dad to sleep with them he went to them. Kids sleep in their own beds especially if it's not their biological parent. That's just wrong.
My opinion is she's grown, and he BF is her business.... I do have a problem with the son sleeping in the same bed as mommy and the boyfriend...
I think it's common courtesy she should do it, but she is grown...
You said it in your post, you'll have to go back to court to get some things in writing...
Good Luck!
