What Does Your Kids Fight About?

Fighting is normal and although it is hard you should allow it unless you feel one is being overly cruel to the other, or it is going on too long. I know that is hard since you are hearing impaired but don't over worry it. First of all kids fighting is how they learn to work things out. If everything was all nice they would grow up not knowing how to compromise and not understanding that in fact life is NOT always fair! Try and let them work it out, although for your own sanity in the car I would assign seats. If they don't like it they will have to lump it and if there is too much friction I would just not let anybody in the favorite seat. Let them earn it......that probably would be more positive anyway..... or have a back up plan. Set them up for a little lesson. Have a babysitter on call. If they start up, call the sitter. Be sure the sitter isn't their favorite person in the whole world. Give them incentive not to whine and fuss. There is a parenting technique that saved me many times called "Love and Logic." Go out and buy the books!
One last thing. when my kids were younger there were times I would sit them apart and allow each to express their feelings on why they were upset during the fight......without the other child interupting. That was a major rule. Let them express themselves. They each get a turn. Then point out how they both have strong feelings, but let it go. Don't try to resolve it for them.
Good Luck!

When my brother and I were young my mom solved the fighting over the radio situation by letting us each have two songs, includng herself. So she'd get two, then me, then my brother; and back to her. Even if it was only half a song...if we chose it, that's what we got. No quibbling over whose was longer; if that happened, she'd put on jazz and my brother and I would both have to suffer. :)

We also always wanted to be the one to sit in the middle seat, the one without the shoulder strap (something that would never happen nowadays!). We had to take turns and it was our responsibility to remember who had it last; if we argued over it, neither of us had it.

Be firm with your girls! They can follow your way of doing it or neither of them gets anything. That isn't you being unfair; it's them being unable to follow the family rules. Their fault, not yours.

I grew up in a family with seven kids. We would fight over the same type things. Where we sat in the car was a big issue. I hardly remember being punished for fighting. I do remember that when I would complain about one of my siblings, my mom would always make me see it from their perspective. "So, A., how do you think he feels? He really likes that song, and just because you don't, you turned it off (even though it was after the 18th time he played it in a row for crying out loud). What if that happened to you?" It would make me crazy sometimes, especially the one time she made us write down all the things we thought we had a "right" to do, and then took the lists and told us that we don't have a right to anything, that life is a gift and should be treated as such. I was so mad that day, but I remember it even now. Empathy is an important trait to carry. It really helps me in my adult life to be able to put myself in the position of another. Trust me, she didn't see immediate results, we still fought, but with 7 kids, putting it back on us was her only hope for a moment of sanity.

A.
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When my kids start fighting I always remind them they have to work together, since in our family we are a team. A lot of times when they start fighting they will have to do something together. Some of my favorites are sitting and watching a whole TV show while holding hands, working together to clean each others rooms, or doing something nice for each other. We also have a DVD in the van that they have to take turns picking out movies. They have their own system (made up by them) and know whose turn it is. And we also have the favorite seat and the seat no one wants, but they have worked out a rotation for it too. If they can't agree, then no one gets to watch DVD's or sit in the favorite seat.

Well, when I do not know who started it, I just tell them both to go to their own rooms and not speak to each other for a while. If hitting was involved, then I tell them that is not how God wants to act toward each other especially family and hitting is just not nice. My kids actually adore each other more than hate each other but they do have their moments so telling them to be apart is torture.

My 5 yr is starting that whine and screaming routine and I am ending that ASAP! I can't stand to hear whining every time she tries to talk to me. I tell her to go off and calm down that I can't understand whine language...needless to say, she gets the idea pretty quick.

BTW, I can hear but I an also tune out their fighting and let them work it out on their own at times.

J.

I sympathize with your situation, but I do agree with your friends of putting them both in time-out. I use this form of dicipline with both of my children when they start picking at each other. It take two to fight and argue. I dont worry about the innocent because I give them the warning to stop fighting or they will both go into time out. I want them to learn how to resolve confict. I can not be there every time they have a disagreement to referee. Each holds some responsibility in the situation. The time out is for them to think about how to handle the situation better. I also want my kids to understand that they are not victims of a fight rather than a problem solver. They will not pick at each other so much if they understand they are only responsible for their actions. This is a life lesson and right now your taking the responibility of their fight by deciding who is right and wrong rather than letting them work through a problem. On the music in the car situation and seating. I would do it by weeks rather than days. Its easier to keep up with or whomever gets to sit were they want doesnt get to choose the mucic so they each get a little piece of what they want. I think it is important for them to learn to give and take in the situation and if they still fight I would tell them no music at all until they can learn to compromise. Good luck to you!

Hi L.,
Let me start by saying it isn't any easier for hearing parents to tell "who started it". LOL

My suggestion for the radio and car seat issues is assign days to each child. Like Monday, Wednesday, and Friday child #1 sits in the choice seat but child #2 picks the music; then Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday child #2 gets the seat and child #1 picks the music. Sunday is Mom's choice. Maybe no music and whoever you feel was better behaved for the week gets the "good"seat? Or you could base it on the date, even/odd days? It's easier to remember who's turn it is that way.

I have my niece visiting this week. She is 8 and my oldest is 7. Today she told him she liked the color orange more than he did. He got so upset! What an insane thing to fight over, but they did for about 10 minuets. Kids just know how to push the others buttons and they love to do it. I always say "I don't care who started it, I"M finishing it!" I don't worry about punishing the "innocent" child because in a way they are both always guilty. Child A may have thrown the first punch, but what did child B do to upset child A enough to bring out the boxing gloves? Time-outs and spankings don't work on my kids but the removal of privileges does. No TV or no DS games for the day for my 7 year old usually stops him from acting up. No TV or no horsey toys for the 3 year old works. Just take away whatever the child thinks they can't live without that day.

I have also started telling my boys that if they don't stop they will have to face the consequences. (With consequences being losing a privilege.) When I'm out in public I just say consequences and they know what I mean. I'm not sure if I got that idea from another Mamasource Mom or from a magazine, but it has been working for me.

Well I wish you luck in finding a solution that works for ya'll. (But I fear that the only solution for us all will be for the kids to grow up and become parents themselves.) I know my sister and I get along so much better now! LOL

W.

Speaking from experience....DO NOT get them their own c/d radios to listen to. My in laws like to get my three girls each their own of whatever item is being handed out and keeping up with all of it is crazy. There is something to be said for learning that life is not always fair. My mom's favorite saying was that she was not going to count corn flakes. I understand it now at 34 but at 8 and 7 it was over my head. I really feel like you are doing the right thing in making them take turns and in the long run they will be better people for it than if they had their own c/d or personal radio to listen to. I hope this helps.

Well, my first question is do you think the boys might be taking advantage of the fact that they know you are deaf, and therefor do not always know who started it, etc., and that in the end you are soft on both of them in order to aviod punishing the innocent?? Deaf or hearing, you are mom, and you make the rules according to what works. I would explain to them that because you do not know who started it each time (nor do you really care:), if there is any fussing, they both have to be separated. that is my first warning, no time out or anything, just playing separately for 30 minutes. The next time, they separate for an hour, and lose a privelage. I know my kids well enough to imagine how things might have played out, so if one is clearly causing problems, then that one is dealt with. And, as for the fighting about the car stuff, end it by removing all of the privelages. They both ride in the back for a week, with no music, and then earn it back. Allow them to come up with the plan..is it going to be every other day, or one gets to ride in the front and pick the music on the way to the place, and then they switch. Put them in charge of this problem, reminding them that the final consequence is both in the back with no music! Period:) Best of luck to you!!

as far as the music is concerned...just turn it off...tell them if they cant be fair with it and are going to fight about it...then there will be no music....same goes for in the van...make them both sit in the back..they will get tired of it eventually and they will begin to work it out on their own.