What Do You Do When Your Dearest Friend Has Unruly Children

I really don't think you can approach it, no mater how gently, to your friend without hurting her feelings.
What you CAN do is step in more frequently and stop the inappropriate behaviors. I have a rule in my house which basically boils down to : My house, my rules. Any & all visiting kids just may be reminded at any time of what is and what is NOT allowed in our home.
"Sally, we don't throw toys at the walls in this house." is not a rude thing to say to a 9 yo! If your friend doesn't speak up, you should! Added bonus: Your friend will (hopefully) get the message as well.

This is a check for all moms. Make sure your kids mind at other peoples homes. You feel so rewarded when others say "wow, your kids are so well behaved"... This starts at home, if they dont respect you and your home they will not respect others either. If you cant seem to control them in your home, why would you take them somewhere and allow them to be disruptive to all involved? Its rude. Social skills begin at home. Teach them what NO means and teach them what "calm down and play quietly" means. You should only have to scold once and they should know you mean business.
I wouldnt have brats at my house, I'd go meet my friend somewhere SAFE :)

Tell your friend you would prefer to meet in a public spot. Then at least the damage is not to your house. Plus, maybe the pressure of public censure will force the girl and her mother to behave better/be a better disciplinarian.

If she asks why you want to meet out all the time -- Tell her, "Your daughter has a lot of energy and I thought it was only fair to let her express that energy in a safer place like a park or indoor playland."

Just get together with your friend when you can do it without the kids - a lunch date when the kids are at school or at day care.

Your house, your rules. Be proactive and get to it early. As soon as they walk in the door, call a meeting of all kids and lay down the law. Here's how it's going to be, toys stay on the ground or in your hands, bathroom is for business only, you may play with certain toys and if you can't use them respectfully they will be taken away... Make your expectations clear, but also make sure there are things that a 9-year-old would enjoy, she could be acting out from boredom. Perhaps set them up with a game, or a make-up set, or something that you imagine can keep them occupied and interested.

Can you visit at her house instead? Believe me, it's no fun for your friend either. I have a single friend with no kids. Anytime we are at her pristine, fancy apt she expects my 3 and 4 yr old to sit quietly at our feet while we talk. (not gonna happen) They can't get up because they make noise and the people below might complain. I take coloring books, but the chaos makes her nervous. She can't take her eyes off them for a minute thinking they are going to break something or make a mess. Yet her dog jumps all over her, the furniture, and my kids running through the house. She constantly tells my kids not to touch the dog even thought the dog is sticking his nose in thier face. She's nervous, it makes me agitated, the kids get scolded constantly, it's no fun for anybody but the dog. So, I stopped going to her house. She is welcome at my house, where the kids can go play in thier rooms and not bother us. I feel much more relaxed and so does she. That way no feelings are hurt and everybody can stay friends.

You are in a bad position for sure. I've been there and it's not easy. in fact the struggle kind of went on for me for many years. Here are a couple things that helped.

Meet at the park, the mall play area or MacDonalds.

I had rules at my house. Had to be the bad guy. Your friend will either allow it or stop bringing her daughter....... problem is at least somewhat controlled.

That's a tough one. I know when I was young with kids I wasnt very tolerant with other peoples kids that acted out. Unfortunately a wall begins getting built and next thing ya know you are only talking to your friend on the phone or when you run into each other at the store or somethin. Obviously your friend either can't or won't control her daughters bad behavior. Throwing the toys at random and making a water mess in the sink? Come on, that's just BAD for a 9 yr old.... does she have some emotional problems or something? If you think your friend would react badly when asked that she control her child better then you will probably just slowly watch your friendship fizzle for a few years until the kids are older and then you say "Wow, has it been THAT long since we got together, my how the kids have grown!?"
For the sake of your current relationship with her just keep doing what you are doing. Put away the good stuff and keep the girls in eye shot so you can see what they are up to at all times, or just suffer the consequences of the visit and dont be shocked at what got broken "this time".
Try this after her kid throws something or does something unacceptable to you: "Seriously Jane, do you let her do this at your house, really?" You'll get your answer. And if its yes... well then you know it isnt gonna stop any time soon.

I agree with Denise P., don't be afraid to discipline with the start of in our house, we don't.....(that is a gentle way of putting it in front of her mom)

Other than that maybe you can plan more of the kid get togethers at places in town (such as McDonalds playland) or at her house.

I also don't feel there is any "nice" way to your friend that you can't stand her daughter.

Good luck!

I believe that your friend's daughter may have some sort of emotional or developmental problem because the things you describe her doing are not typical for a 9 year old. I am surprised that she has not had problems in school or in other group activites with kids her own age. I would definitely decide to meet with them somewhere other than my own home. Their home or a park or zoo, Wanting to play in the water is something my autisitc son would have done at that age. So we had to watch him and if he made a mess he had to clean it up and apologize. It was not something his peers did. I would express concerns about her daughter rather than criticize. I cannot beleive that her mother is not frustrated with her too.

Meet her elsewhere. I have a friend like that too. Her kids is like a bulldozer. I get too stressed when they come over, so I stopped having them over. I meet them at the park or the movies. You could just tell your friend that having people over stresses you out and you just don't like having a bunch of noisy kids in the house and could you meet elsewhere.

If she is your closest friend, then approach it like you would anything else! Honestly and caring!

I would start the conversation that you would like to keep your house rules in tact for your children while hers visit (tell her what they are) and that its important to you that she back you up whether its your children or hers.

Do you think she could be embarrassed by the kids acting this way? Or is she normally a quiet person?

I hope you two can find a happy medium!

Hi S.,

This sounds like something a lot of moms go through: an imbalance in parenting styles between one's self and a close friend.

"When I know they are coming over, I also have feelings of dread/anxiety." This statement caught my eye. These are very severe emotions to experience. The fact that you are preparing for catastrophe by clearing out your daughter's more special toys also tells me that you are feeling pretty helpless in this situation.

One option would be to have the children stay entirely in your presence at your home. That is, your daughter's room is off limits to everyone and is not a place to play. That said, given your situation, I don't think this is going to be enough.

Another option is to choose to meet with she and the kids out in a public place, so that you don't have to worry about property damage at your home. And if things go awry, you can always 'have to be getting on home'.

You could also go a different direction, and get together with this friend in the evening/weekends for some child-free time. "Gee, it seems like we don't get out just the two of us anymore." is a friendly way to initiate it.

Or, you could be more honest and if questions come up on her end, you could start with "I feel like some of the kids aren't well-matched as playmates/ that your eldest is pretty bored at our house. Maybe we could come to your place?" or hatch another plan with her.

Ultimately, you have to decide what you want your children to witness when your friend's children are at your home. I personally don't have problems with disciplining children at my home, but that's also because I've been teaching youngsters for a long time and have tough skin in that regard. Still, I'm careful about which children I invite over for playtimes when visiting with their parents; some are easier and some, I just get together with their moms at other times. Those kids are good kids, but playtime at someone else's home (esp. when mama's attention is busy with her friend) is just more than what they can 'do' well at this time.

Also, Mama's On Call recently had a good post about holiday visitors:
http://mamasoncall.com/2010/12/my-house-my-rules/#comment...

I think this will give you some more tips to feel comfortable being a friendly but authoratative voice of reason during those more challenging times.

You sound like a good friend trying to be kind. At some point, though, your friend has to 'meet' you in this. If not, or if she chooses to be big-time offended, consider yourself relieved of those stressful visits for now. Maybe she'll come around....

H.

Tell your friend that you would not want to do anything to jeapodize your friendship, and you hope to be friends with her forever, but that when her kids are at your house, they need to follow your rules and if they dont, she wont be invited over anymore. Next time she says she is coming over just say "Okay, but give me an hour to hide the good toys and prepare my daughter for the visit because we've seen how that goes"

For the sake of your children you have to enforce the rules of your house with your friends kids when they are over. Your kids will see it's not fair, see what they get away with, and try it for themselves and will try copying the negative behavior too. If you plan on inviting them over again, Talk to your friend first telling her that you hope she doesn't get offended when and if it is necessary for you to talk to her daughter about her behavior. If she's throwing things at the wall say No, we do not throw things in this house and If you continue this behavior I'm sorry but you will not be invited back to this house again. Honestly though, I would not invite them over again. I have thought about this one so much I have been in this situation, and I don't think there is any honest way to tell her without hurting her feelings.

I agree with some of the others on here, unfortunately it's probably not a good idea to say something unless you want to hurt your friends feelings. Also keep in mind, that we all have different perspectives of situations, so what may be important to you, may not be important to her. I would just be proactive in setting the rules and making the kids clean up whatever they mess up. Good Luck, remember good friends are hard to come by and before you know it all the kids will be grown and you will look back on this and laugh.

I don't think it hurts to suggest your get togethers be without the kids for awhile. How does your daughter handle this wild girl who is 4 years older than her? I would just say that you are encouraging our daughter to have more bonding time with her own friends her own age. I would play up the age difference in the compatbility issue between your children. That is a simple fact, and you would not be personally insulting her daughter. For instance, while two 9 year olds may enjoy telling ghost stories, it's not so fun at all for a 5 year old. You may have a few other examples of the girls not being on the same page with their play to share with your friend. I'll bet she'll agree to meet you for Moms nights out, or shopping/lunch dates sans kids. Even if you don't mention her daughter's negative behaviors, she'll probably reflect on the fact it does affect her welcome in other people's homes.

Going through dread and anxiety and broken things and a torn up house all because you can't say anything to "hurt someone's feelings" is silly. True, people can't take it,and in the past when I've called friends on parenting issues, like letting them know (as politely as possible) their kids are terrors because they have no effective discipline not because something is defective in the kids (after numerous hours/months/years at their houses and ours where their kids act poorly and get no discipline and hearing their parenting philosophies on ignoring and 'not disciplining' from books they read and all the stories they tell about all the terrible things their kids do-with no negative consequences god forbid- and how the dad never disciplines either blah blah and everything's getting worse year after year and every time I suggest something that works for us it's 'oh, that wouldn't work on my kid' and they never try it even though they see our kids acting fine) and it turns into a dynamic where their kids can hit and be mean to mine and display endless tantrums and things we don't allow because "something's wrong with them" and then predictably around age 4-6 it's off to the doctor's office to diagnose their "kid's problems" where I finally say something because I'm sick of hearing them blame their kids.

And then boom. You've lost the friend. And you're relieved. And they're relieved and righteous because you "haven't walked a mile in their shoes". And I KNOW this isn't the case with all kids with disorders, I'm just talking about a few specific families I was personally close to who had to be cut loose because the kids were too terrible and it made me lose respect for the parents for blaming the kids.

There are other friends we have who we definitely don't agree on parenting styles with, but we can take them in small doses-in public at a park.

Your friend's daughter sounds like she has legitimate problems, and your friend sounds very strange for not mentioning them or talking about why she doesn't discipline etc. Something is wrong. If you want to keep being friends, meet out in public. Sparingly. It doesn't seem like this older child is a great influence for your kids, nor does it sound like her mom is helping her. If it's your very best friend, and the girl is 9, was she always like this? It's hard to know without a full picture how to handle this, but the simplest way is to steer clear a lot.

Hi, S.:

Ask your friend if she minds you correcting her child/ren?

If she doesn't, then go ahead, discipline them.

Just think, in the future, the court may be disciplining her.

Just a thought.
D.

"Please get out of the bathroom." then give her a towel and make her and mom clean it up.

Honestly, my boys are rambunctious but I always watch them and make sure they are as behaved as possible and clean up their messes at friend's houses. If someone said to me, "Your son is tearing up my child's room" or "your child is being aggressive, can you please intervene" I wouldn't be offended, I would do something about it.

Especially at her age, 9, wow that is amazing. I have a friend with a crazy kid who lets her child do anything, even jumping on top of my new baby. She just doesn't pay attention or follow through at all. So, I had to go and tell the kid to stop, give her a toy and ask her to sit quietly next to us until she would calm down and promise not to do it again.

You can't her feelings are going to be hurt, you are discussing where she can improve on her parenting skills... imagine if I were your besty and I told you that your little girl has no respect for the things in my house including the people. No matter what words you use to say this, this is what you are saying. Remember the first time your mother "corrected" your parenting skills and how you were ready to go to your room and cry? You simply have to not allow the get togethers to take place in your home, or stop the kid get togethers all together. She is not going to change or stop her style of parenting just like you are not going to adjust yours. Good Luck I am sure you will find the right way to handle the situation.