What Do You Do When You Can't Agree?

I try to ask myself, "what is truly going to be most helpful to my child's development?" And, "Since discipline = to teach, how can we most effectively make a lesson from this moment?"
Or, "Am I coming from *my own* anger/hurt/____ and am looking to make my child wrong, or do I want them to understand what happened, how it felt (ex: kid hurts another kid, I want them to understand that they other kid felt sad, frustrated, rejected, in pain, etc.), and how to reconcile/resolve the situation.

Sometimes, I am blinded by my OWN agenda. It's good to have a second (or more) opinions, to help me discern the proper resolution. My husband, in truth, usually defers to me. I try really hard to be open to what HE offers from his perspective.

And, depending on the situation and suggested punishments, I will ask for a discussion/I will intervene.

Well, this might sound really bad and offensive........but I think the parent who has more time with the kids (aka if one is SAHP) they should have alittle more pull with what is correct punishment.......
Otherwise, if parenting is even - you just gotta go with what works, not "whose" approach/idea it was.

This is such a great subject to explore here! There were important issues of discipline and education that my husband and I did not have the same ideas about. One of the things we learned over the years was how to listen to one another, how to set aside opinions and seek more information, and how to harmonize our different perspectives in order to accomplish our common goals.

One thing that helped is to recognize that when we disagreed, it is likely that both of us were partially wrong in our opinions. It is so important to be willing to gather more information, to be willing to learn, to be eager to not only hear the other person's decided opinion, but to ask about the other person's reasons for that opinion and to allow your own opinion to be flexible and stretchable. One opinion I do maintain is that if one of the parents is not willing to gather more information, to learn, to expand his/her understanding, that parent must admit that this weakens the validity of his/her opinion. A stubborn and uneducated opinion rarely proves to be of much benefit.

On the subject you are conflicted about, I would recommend two sources of information: www.VirtuesProject.com and www.BeyondConsequences.com. To be honest, if all parents studied these two programs, our children and our homes would be much more successful, happy, and strong.

One more thing we learned along the way was that parental decisions were best guided by Mom's instincts before age 10 and by Dad's strong shoulders after age 10. There is a time when the child needs Mom's wise sensitivities and a time when a child needs Dad's wise encouragement. These influences can dovetail nicely and it is great for the child when each of the parents respects the other for these differing but balancing strengths. But, we learned that Mom taking the lead before age 10 and Dad taking the lead after that was highly beneficial.

Many mothers feel that dads do not encourage the children enough when they are young. Mothers often tend to get excited over every kindergarten scribble a child brings home. This is important that children receive this constant encouragement from the mother when they are young. But, there is a side-effect to consider. When that child is 12 and Mom gets excited over something the child has accomplished, inside the child thinks, "Oh, that's just Mom. She thinks everything I do is great." Mom's encouragement loses potency over time. It really is helpful if Dad's encouragement had remained a bit more reluctant during those early years. Then, when the child is 12 and Dad remarks on the child's accomplishments, his encouragement carries great weight.

One clue about this dynamic is that even after age 10 Dad sometimes needs a hint from Mom's perceptive sensitivities to know when he needs to pay attention and offer the child some guidance and/or encouragement. I remember how there were situations where I could have talked for hours or months and never have accomplished what my husband could with just a few sentences. But, from time to time, I still needed to give him a nudge to offer up those few sentences. ;)

Hope you find these ideas helpful.

I feel strongly that one parent should never "undo" the other person's parenting. When my husband (or I ) discipline my son and the other disagrees with it, we talk about it after and away from our son. It's important that he sees us as a united front or he (like all kids) will attempt to play one parent against the other.

As for "how" to punish, we actually see eye-to-eye on that one most of the time...

When it comes to our kids we have to find a way to agree, even if that means one gives in or at least temporarily gives in. We have disagreed at times, so what I have done is tried to hold my peace and keep working on seeing things from his perspective, so hard at times! Whenever I have done this, it is weird bc he will come to me and tell me he has been doing the same and we are able to find some mutual ground. Of course I don't know the issue or the ages of the kids but for us, we tend to try to respect each other in front of the kids and hammer out the details behind closed doors. I don't think a permanent different approach will work bc the kids will sniff out who is who and who's discipline they prefer and they will divide and conquer! But I think a cease fire and an agreement to just back up the other's approach until you work it out is Ok, ultimately, somebody will have to give in or you both will to some degree I think. Good luck!!

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I think when that happens, you both have to pick your battles. If the issue is really truely close to your heart and you feel passionate about it, then stand your ground. If not, then let it go. Either way--both should comprimise.

Well, you budge. Someone has to. You can't just be at this state forever. My husband and I ran into a problem sort of like this. I am VERY against spanking, and he is fine with it. I am so against it and would be so hurtful if he spanked our son, he decided to let that one go. It wasn't a battle he felt was worth it. he realized it wasn't just me being stubborn, but me truly believing in something. (or in my case...against something.)

Ask yourself, WHY are you not agreeing. Is it because, you both want you way?? That's never good. Whoever is not OK with punishing the kid for whatever it is, WHY are they against that? Is it something they truly, passionately believe is not a punishable offense. Do they feel like there is no purpose, or no cause for a punishment? Would it be detrimental to the child and the lesson trying to be taught? If so, the other parent might need to budge some.

Not even joking- we do Paper, Scissors, Rock.

I think it depends on what the issue is, is it something like when they break curfew or somthing like when they shoplift and get caught for the first time? It is all situational and honestly, if it is something lesser than missing curfew then I would approach it when it is time. I think some lessons MUST be learned, like time management and other things are not as important, like being punished for venting rage like saying "I hate you" ... I know parents that punish their kids for saying things like this when a conversation (or series of them) are what's needed. So, I would take most of your what if questions out of the equasion for now and address them as they come.

Unless one is abusive you do it your way and he does it his.

Well, I THOUGHT he and I agreed exactly on kids from the day we met. Now we have a child and it is so frustrating that I actually considered if divorce would be better even though it would create a host of new problems.
Our child picked up on our disagreeing and played us against each other and it worked. I can't wait to see the answers.

I get trump / "2 votes". Because I have our son, and have had our son, 24/7 for years. Most weeks, dad is only around 10 hours at most on average, and only 3 or 4 of them are spent with our son.