What Do You Do? - Lawrence Township,NJ

Glad you posted this. Same here. I find forums seem to help out a lot, especially when it's a group of people with the same problems. Also some of those social video games on the internet. I've tried making some "me time," but there never seems to be enough of it and nothing gets done. I do find that if I take a day off from work every now and then to accomplish something at home, I feel extremely better.

Happy mommies make happy babies. This is about you, it has to be. You sound like a wonderful mother who needs to rediscover who she is and what she needs when she is not being a mom. Find something you enjoy and get out to do it at least one night a month at first. Even a long walk to decompress can mean the difference between being a patient mom and freaking out at the small stuff. I speak from personal experience. So get out there and find someplace where no one wants anything from you ASAP. You'll feel much better.

The only recommendation to you is pray, pray, pray! Just talk to God. He will listen no matter what you say and hears even what you can't bring yourself to say. He may not answer you the way you want or you may not hear His answer but He will always listen even when noone else will.
Get into the bible and read...psalms is always good because David was often going through some stuff but he was always filled with praise. You can call a pastor and talk about what you are feeling and they can give you direction as to where to look.
Also someone once told me to fake it til you make it. Even when you are alone smile.. act happy, find something to laugh at. This is sometimes good advise!
I will pray for you to find the help and answers you need (not want).
Hope this helps:)

The thing that I do is reach out to other moms who feel that same way. Not that we are always able to plan a night out for ourselves, but a quick cup of coffee sometimes does the trick. Do you have any friends in your area that has children? That is one of the best lifesavers because depending on the age of your children they may be able to play while you sit and talk about things.

I have 2 girls (almost 6 & 11) and I totally understand the "it's all about them & me later" but sometimes you have to act in a way that may seem selfish to you and worry about yourself first. You might even want to check out the Meetup.com site to see if there are playgroups in your area & see if there are any moms you can talk to there. Good luck!

This is often what depression looks like - many people don't even realize that they are depressed. Oftentimes, depression is a result of both crummy circumstances and how we think about them. Fortunately, you are already half-way to a better place in realizing that a change in your attitude/thought-life will change the way you view your circumstances. You might want to catch those negative (angry/unpleasant/sad) thoughts before you let them run around in your mind and replace them with loving thoughts - about yourself and about others. We are what we think! The beauty is that we can choose to think differently.

Also, there are many people out there who I am sure would love to be your friend. Why don't you try checking out some of the local churches or mothers' groups. God bless you on your journey.

L.,
My heart goes out to you and anyone struggling with this situation. It's a form of depression and it really can bring you down. I too believe in my kids coming before myself, but you truly need "YOU" time as well...even if its only once every couple months. To have something to look forward to is very helpful. We get so busy with our children we forget we are people too, not just parents. It sounds as if you love your children very much, now you need to love yourself in order to benifit your kids in the long run. Plan a day, or night, or both next month to dedicate to yourself. Get your nails done, have lunch, go for a walk, to a movie, whatever it is you want to do. Do you have a network of girlfreinds you can turn to? Being all alone is very hard. You mentioned no one to talk to. I can only imagine how lonely that can be. If you ever need to vent or talk or whatever, you can always e-mail me. I am a good listener. And sometimes that's all it takes to not feel alone.
Keep doing a great job with your girls, and please take care of YOURSELF too.

You might not think so but your children pick up on all things around them...If "YOU" aren't happy, they know it.

Time to bring some balance into your life:
Join a support group....make new friends.
Buy something new for yourself....get your nails done, a new haircut, some new clothes...
Get a sitter and meet your friends for lunch....go see a movie.
Sign yourself up for a Class...something new you want to learn and might enjoy. How about an exercise class?
Start a hobby.
Start reading the books you've been wanting to read...join a reading group....or start one of your own.
Volunteer some time to your community.
If you can't push yourself to do the above and begin to enjoy yourself...find yourself a good therapist...work out your inner issues before it starts effecting your children.

Hi L.,

You've done the right thing by asking for help. We ALL need help sometimes!!

I won't try to analyze you or 'give you all the answers' in this one post. But when I read your post, the first thing that struck me was that you sounded depressed and overwhelmed. The other thought I had is that, although it's a noble philosophy to always put your kids first and yourself last (which should be most often the case), I also know that it can drain you to the point where you have nothing left to give if you don't consiously work at finding ways to achieve your own fulfillment/happiness from time to time.

A happy mom is a better mom. An unhappy mom can eventually become bitter and resentful to the world -- even to her kids. And that does NOBODY any good.

My suggestion is to find a counselor who can help you get beyond this sense of lonliness and unhappiness and help you find strategies and resources to cope with your struggles. I once sought help from The Family Center, and I'd recommend that you contact them for info. At that time they had services available on a sliding scale basis, which was the only way I could afford it then.

http://www.familycenters.org/content/view/57/50/

Aside from that, perhaps you could seek out friends or clergy to confide in. But if you are in fact clinically depressed, a friend may not be equipped to help you, and a trained counselor will be an important resource for you (and your children). Taking care of yourself now IS the best way you can take care of your children both now and in the future.

I applaud your courage to reach out, and I wish you continued courage and strength to further seek the additional help and support you need in this demanding world.

You might want to check out meetup.com. It's a site that helps connect people of similar interests. For example, I'm a member of one for working moms in my area and we have meetups/playdates on weekends, and also meet for dinner w/o the kids. There are meetup groups for lots of different interests/hobbies that may help you meet people that you can connect with.

L.,

Putting your children first is fine, but in order to take proper care of them, you have to take care of yourself too!

It sounds as if you may have a serious case of depression going on, and may need to talk to a healthcare professional to help you get through this. You may even need some medication to help you to sort through what you're feeling.

I would start by contacting your family doctor, if you have one, and ask him for a referral to see a counselor of some sort. If you have no health insurance, and can't afford to do this, then I would contact your State's Division of Children and Family Services, to see if you qualify for any financial assistance, so you can get some help.

Please don't let this go.....if you keep getting worse, sooner or later this will affect your ability to care for your children properly. They can't be truly happy if their Mommy is feeling miserable all the time, and they don't understand why.

Please contact your doctor and ask for some help before this gets any worse, if not for you, then for your children!

Good Luck!

D.

Dear L.,
You ask what we do when we feel like that.
I personally try to help someone else who has it worse than me. I work at a hospital, so sometimes just taking a walk through the emergency room and helping someone who is in a wheelchair helps me put things in perspective.
Is there a place where you can go where people who are in need would appreciate you? Even if it is something that does not take a lot of time. If you don't have time to volunteer someplace, perhaps just thinking about how things could be worse may help you realize that things are not that bad after all. There are so many people in worse circumstances than we are. When I think about that, it reminds me to be thankful for what I do have.

The other thing I do is to take time for myself and be selfish for short time. I even tell my 2 year old daughter that it is "Mommy time" and she is starting to understand that it is important for Mommy to be happy. It is really important for me to nurture myself as I nurture her. You need some self love. And, believe it or not, it is a good model for your children, especially daughters, to see Mom take care of herself. You will be a better mom for it. You don't (always) need to be "last" to be a good mom.
Hope that this is helpful, even if in a small way.

L.,

I'm sorry I can't help because I am in the EXACT situation. EXACT. My nasty attitude is just getting worse and worse, but I'm completely and utterly happy when I'm with my daughter. It's once she's asleep. I'll be waiting to see your responses as well. Good luck.
A.

Hillel said: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?"

You're it baby! Include yourself in those you care for.

Hi L.,
I think you have found the answer already. You know what is going on, what is happening to your attitude and thoughts. There, you have it.
NOW, you only have to change and you know what to change.
Are you grateful?
Are you prayerful?
Are you optimistic?
It's all for your daughters, right? Then be happy before your daughters start mirror-ing your mood. Kids' well being is a mirror image of our moods.
Good luck. I know you'll find a way to smile everyday and be happy.
Ciao,
L.
Helping Moms Work From Home.

Hi L.,

I know how you feel, been there done that, it is not a good spot to be in. I am glad you reached out for advice. I don't know your spiritual beliefs, but when I started to feel like that I would get alone and just pray and cry to the Lord, it helps. You have to put you first before your girls or there will be no one to take care of them when you breakdown from all the pressuer building up inside of you. Try counsling or a trusted wise family member to speak with. If you don't have that try writing how you feel in a journal and think of some positive ways and things you can do to slowly change your attitude. Exercise can also help you change your attitude, a short walk or run, believe me it works. Because your girls will pick up on your attitude and eventually start mimicking it. Take time for you, because no one else knows you or can do you better....

Hi L.,
Do you have a local MOPS group in your area? If you are not sure, check out MOPS.org and it can point you in the right direction. I was in the same place as you when my third was born and MOPS was a Godsend! If there is no MOPS, check to see if you can find another mom's group. Often they post at local churches and libraries. The other thing that would really help (although it's hard to figure out how to squeeze it in) is exercise. Medical studies have shown that exercise works as well as prescription meds. Eating right and drinking lots of water helps too.
Good Luck!

D.

L.,

Is it personal space that is messy or personal thoughts?

What follows is short, rather crisp, and unfinished, but very heartfelt. So I hope you can move beyond the shortness to what I am trying to say.

You need to un-firm that belief that YOU come second. You are teaching them that when THEY become Moms, THEY come second.

You are in an airplane. YOU put on the oxygen first, that way you can help your children.

YOu are not helping your children by putting yourself last (or not even on the list.

You are teaching your children that WOMEN don't matter. And you are teaching them that Martyrs can be nasty and get away with it.

Be soft on yourself, and be yourself.

If you truly wanted to put yourself last, you wouldn't have asked this question.

If you were never happy yourself, you would not be happy with your children.

You are hardworking, but it doesn't all have to be hard work.

Much more, but my baby is waking.

Good luck, treat yourself as an equal with your children, and let me know how it goes,
M.

Dear mother, sometimes we have to begin to solve our own personal issues by listening to ourselves within. It appears that you have answered this question yourself... A little about me: "it is all about them and me later." first, i believe that it's noble to put your children first. Mainly because they did not ask to come here. However, neither did we, and everyone is born a child to someone else. Second, there is no we without me. Try this, place your hands over your mouth for as long as you can without breathing. See, if you continue on this path of not including you, there won't be any more of you left for you. Who then will step up to the bat and raise your children for you, like you? In essence, 'children are loaned to us from god. They are not our personal possessions. Someday they will grow up, leave us and have children and families of their own.' imagine this... I've only begun to live when they are up,grown and gone? Sad reality is that time waits for no one. Another way to look at this is that the umbilical cord is cut between us and them at birth. During our lifetime the umbilical cord--bond, keeps on getting cut just like forks in the road. Going to school, having dates etc. I can't emphasize this point enough. Girl, do you! If not, who will?

abraham-hicks.com

check it out with an open mind and heart...

Sounds like you are in a tough spot. If you have the ability to get counseling, I strongly suggest that you do so! A counselor will not only listen, but can help you change your thinking and behavioral patterns to avoid being in this place again. If counseling isn't an option, then take some tips from the behaviorist theory- changing your behavior will lead to a change in the way you think! Even if it's forced at first, new behaviors will become the "new you"!

I know it sounds selfish, but you need to find time for yourself. I would start by literally cleaning up your personal space, whether that's your home that needs decluttering or a new hair cut. Seriously- you'd be amazed what an organized closet, a great new lipstick and a good haircut can do.

You need to find 15-20 minutes each day to do something for yourself. I am not a single mother, but both my husband and I work full time and try to spend every moment with our son that we can. After he goes to bed, though, we each do our own "thing" for a half hour. My husband "putzes" on the political websites and I either read a magazine or do a yoga video. This gives us both a chance to unwind from the day in a way that is relaxing and not about what our son needs.

You have taken an important step in admitting that you are in a bad place and another step in reaching-out. Now it's time to literally get up and do something! Go for a walk, ask a friend if she could watch your girls for an hour and take a bath and then offer to do the same for her another night. The hardest thing to do is change your behaviors, but little changes where you can will change the way you feel, I promise.

if u ever want to talk u can call me. ill give u my number if u want

HI L., I know that you already entered your 'So What Happened' part, but I had to add in my 2 cents. First, never feel like you are alone. You are never alone. We are here to support you, even when we don't know you that well or even what you look like. But I think websites like mamasource are designed to help women support each other, even when there is no time for mommy groups or counseling. Don't be discouraged. Second, don't ever allow yourself to be angry. You want to teach your children love, not anger. Remember happiness is a choice that you consciously make daily. Maintain your optimism, even if you have to fake it sometimes. Finally, find something meaningful in your life that does not involve your girls. Yes, it really is OK to place yourself first sometimes. That's also a great skill to teach your daughters - they can grow up to become confident, strong women when they learn how to take care of themselves first. Volunteering is a great way to start, since it's cheap (or free) and it often pulls out of you skills you did not even know you had in yourself. Have you thought of a ministry at a church? Or a food bank? Even local things like joining the PTA can help you connect with a group in a new an interesting way. Other things to think about are joining a sports league. The YMCA offers softball or other programs that you as an adult can join.

Coming to this message board was a good start! You have to stop and take some time for yourself. I understand you feeling that you put your girls first then yourself because I totally do that in every aspect of my life but I know when the time comes to take a break, even if only for a couple hours to do something I need or want to do and that helps a lot! You have to take care of yourself to take care of your girls properly and thats not selfish!!! Do you have any girlfriends or family members that you can speak to? Do you just feel alone or are you alone? If you have someone then go to them. If you really don't then continue to use this board, find a support group, a community center, community group or something else to interact with other adults like you. For now...just take a break!!!!!! Go for a walk, read a book, go shopping, go get your hair/nails done, take a long shower, take a nap, go get a cup of coffee and just sit. Do something you like to do. By taking time for yourself you are regrouping and revitalizing and that will help your mental state. Exercise is very important too and eating healthy. When you are doing good for yourself you are only doing good for your girls and you want them to be strong, independent women who take care of themselves, so do that for you too! We all have these moments - well I think we do, I know I do and its because I am not free to just do whatever I want whenever I want. Who is? We have to work to balance but we have to be included in that balance or it will NEVER be balanced. its hard, I struggle with it greatly and am struggling with it now...you are not alone! You are never alone!

Your description of yourself below your post is very telling. "I firmly beleive it is all about them now and me later". you need some YOU now!! I would suggest calling some friends and setting up a dinner out or something AWAY from the kids. Or find the local Moms group or club and JOIN!! You will find lots of other moms who are all about their kids (believe me I have 3 small ones and love them to death, am a SAHM, was a single mom for years) but also need some interaction from other adults - other moms you can talk and relate to!!
Best of luck,
K.

L.,

Something stood to me when I read your post. At the bottom, "A little about me" you write that it's all about your girls and you later. As Moms, we are so willing to put everything aside to take care of our little ones. But it is vital to take care of ourselves too.

You know how when you fly the flight attendants always say put your mask on first and then help others? Applies to life in general, especially when you are the caretaker for others. If you don't take care of yourself, how can you possibly have enough energy to take care others?

Perhaps you need to bring a little more balance into your world.... and focus on yourself a little more to be able to take care of your girls. It's **ok** to think about yourself and in fact NECESSARY to keep your sanity!!

Start small, think about what you can do for yourself every day. What is that for you? Then build on it.... you will thank yourself.... and so will your girls.

Sending you a big hug,
L.